My son is almost 4 and he is a special, special boy that really just impresses and amazes most people with his many wonderful qualities. I'm not blind to it. I love him dearly. I know how lucky we are to have a beautiful, healthy, bright little soul in our lives. But this whole year has been hell.
I'm tired and I don't have time to write much but I just feel like a total parenting failure. Every day I tell myself to parent with peace and love and patience but my son has a way of wearing that patience away sometimes within 30 seconds of his waking up. Like today, he began to cry and whine because I dared use the bathroom when he felt I shouldn't. This is crumple on the floor sobbing because mommy has to pee. Why?????? This leads to ignoring and procrastinating with getting dressed. Which today led to a flat out refusal, hands clamped over the mouth while kicking episode when it was time to brush teeth. After reasonable requests I lost it. So I screamed in his face. He finally opened his mouth so I could brush his teeth which he refuses to do on his own. Then mommy was the one crying. Cut to an hour later with another instance of him refusing to cooperate when I really really needed him to as I was ill in public while holding our baby girl and my having to physically wrestle with him to get him to do so. Cut to a battle with lunch...which is the same battle with every single meal.
I yell daily. I scream so loud sometimes my throat is sore. I hit pillows. I get so damn mad. Instead of spanking, i have put a hole in a wall. (this was after my son spit a mouthful of toothpaste foam in my face on purpose because he was mad about having to brush) And every night I pray to be better and every day I start my day promising to be better and then my son begins to challenge all day, every day and I fail. Every. Single. Day. I lose sleep worrying I'm creating this angry kid or doing damage or in general being a bad mom but I'm at a loss.
FYI he is an angel at school, an angel with relatives, an angel with our babysitter, and with my husband....me? I get hit, kicked, argued with, yelled at, etc etc. He is jeckyl and Hyde. Sweet, agreeable, and helpful and mature beyond his years and then it's like flipping a switch and acts like I've described. I go from feeling immense love and pride and affection to anger and loathing.
I'm posting this because today was a really bad day. One of the worst behavior days we've ever had. I'm frazzled. I'm emotionally spent. I love my little son so much. He can be nothing short of miraculous at times, but then there are the other times. I hate feeling angry with him. I feel sick inside for feeling as angry as I did today. I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.
I will face tomorrow and try yet again.