I have a 5yo who can destroy my determination to be calm and patient and loving within 2 seconds too. I sympathise but i don't have many ideas since i'm obviously not doing it right anyway.
An illustration of the things i get:
Last month, payday, we went
Out to lunch
For ice cream
out to dinner
home for 1 hour playing one on one in the garden while the baby slept, then bath, teeth, stories, bed.
At bedtime i was told how unfair it is that no-one ever plays with DD or does anything with her and how she's bored and there's nothing to do in our family.
Last night i asked her in a supermarket to please let go of the trolley. She let go for 2 seconds then held on again. I asked her to let go. She let go and then got ahold and pulled the trolley to one side. I asked her sternly to let go. She let go then got another hold and dragged it into a display. I growled at her to LET GO NOW and picked up the display. She told me "you don't tell ME what to do" and walked backwards, while telling me off for telling her to be careful and watch where she was going over her cheek outburst, into a giant metal pillar and banged her head. At which point she started wailing she'd broken her skull and when i knelt to hug her she headbutted me then told me *I* had made it worse.
It does NOT inspire greater efforts, because actually, i'm out of resources at this point. Just clinging on and hoping at some point this will be a phase which passes.
No solutions, but I am wondering if anyone has any ideas for issues like these. My son turned 4 in March and does pretty much this type of thing REGULARLY. Just today, we were in the grocery store and he grabbed a display that was on wheels and I asked him politely to stop pulling on it and he let go for a second, then pulled it again, and I asked him again to stop pulling. He let go once more for a second and then suddenly STOOD on the edge of it and nearly toppled the whole thing over on him. I realize that the ideal thing at this point would be to walk away and do the grocery shopping at another time, but it is not always possible. Sometimes we just need to have food in the house and I need him to actually listen to what I am asking. I have NO idea how to help this to happen though.
Also, my son will do the same sort of "you made me hurt myself" thing. He will somehow get hurt, especially if he is doing something that I asked him not to, and will then scream "YOU MADE THAT HAPPEN AND NOW IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOU THINK IT IS FUNNY!!" Or something close to that. It takes everything in me to ask him if he is ok, or if there is any way I can help him, or to even assess the injury so I know if he truly needs help, or just comfort. I literally just want to walk away at that point and say "Well then, deal with it yourself". I have NO idea how to handle this one.
I am so interested in this thread and all of the great suggestions so far, I will definitely be following closely!