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post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 

I edited my posts and am done with this thread, thanks for everyone's input! Very helpful!


Edited by purplerose - 5/14/11 at 6:22am
post #2 of 22

maybe she sees how you parent and looks up to you? She's really young with lots of kids she probably doesn't have a ton of friends her own age and sees you and sorta knows you and like I said maybe secretly admires how you parent.. You don't have to be friends with her but being nice doesn't cost anything...

 

Sigh, at the risk of being mean myself I will admit that my first reaction to your post was 2 things... 1. A bit snobby to be looking down on this young mama for a southern accent,family background etc. and 2, yeah it came off pretty mean. Sorry.shrug.gif

post #3 of 22
Thread Starter 

I edited my posts and am done with this thread, thanks for everyone's input! Very helpful! 


Edited by purplerose - 5/14/11 at 6:23am
post #4 of 22
I don't think all our friends have to live the same lifestyles as us at all...

I mean, it's definitely wonderful to have people who you have a lot in common with. I love having support from my friends because they understand some of my struggles better than someone else who might just say "CIO" or "cut them off" or whatever. I do get that.

But even among my very AP mom's group, with whom I am quite close, there are lots of moms that do things differently. I am one of the only ones with a 2yo that still nurses a million times a day & cosleeps, for ex. Some of them circ and vax -- heck, my DS is circ'ed, which I really regret but was making the best decision I could at the time, I'd definitely make a different decision next time around! Some of them have big families and some want to stick with just one child. Some are umarried, some are lesbian, some had their child(ren) with a man who is not their husband -- none of which are lifestyles I would live. Some are religious, some are not, none share my specific religion... Some discipline very differently than I ever would... some are veg*n and some are TF'ers and some dole out goldfish or worse... and then there are the more 'mainstream' moms who I see at story hours etc. and they are always striking up conversations with me, giving me their #, etc. and if they want to get together, I will (haven't yet because I have a phone phobia lol -- whole 'nother post! -- but if they call ME or email me I will definitely get together with them!) Anyone can be a friend and we definitely don't need to share every last thing in common for the friendship to work! Yes, some of my friends & I get along well because of our commonalities, but others I enjoy because of their personalities or thoughtfulness or whatever, and anything we share in common is inconsequential to our relationship.

I think it can be so, so lonely to be a mom and it sounds like this woman is just reaching out to you. Maybe she sees commonalities that you're completely missing because you're so focused on BFing/circ/etc. Obviously you have no obligation to be friends with someone you don't like, but it doesn't really sound like you've even gotten to know her well enough to know if you'd like her. greensad.gif
post #5 of 22
ITA agree with Lauren about you being judgmental about her accent.


21 with five kids!?! Geeze, this mama probably NEEDS some friends. She sounds busy, busy, busy. Its pretty likely that most of her friends in her own age group have abandoned her.
post #6 of 22

I know what you mean about getting judgmental about superficial things like Southern accents, grammar, etc. I get that way about the more rural Midwestern accents I sometimes hear around here. I'm not proud of it, but there ya go ... shrug.gif

 

I agree with PP, that she may be looking for a more experienced mom-friend, and may actually admire your parenting. Maybe give her a chance and see if you find other ways to click? I mean, if she has one of her kids in softball (and she's regularly attending practices / games), she must be at least trying to be involved, kwim? 

post #7 of 22

I'm from Maine and the further north you go the stronger that accent gets...it has NOTHING to do with education or pulling yourself out of "that" life and is just because everyone sounds that way.. I personally find the accents of varying regions in this country amusing and interesting. When I hear that Maine accent I know I'm home and I love it.... I myself don't have one but it picks up in a few words I use.. I never considered it an indicator of lack of education or anything. I can appreciate they can be annoying to some but not worth looking down on somebody.

post #8 of 22

My best friend is about as mainstream as you can get (well, except that she is the SAHM and I'm the WOHM who has her kids in preschool at age 2... granted it's a Montessori school but still).  Oh, and she has a HUGE (huge, massively huge) Southern accent. lol.gif  That being said she IS very well-educated, IS a loving parent, and we have a number of things in common that don't include parenting styles.  We just acknowledge the differences and move on.  Sometimes we give advice that the other has selective hearing about and that's ok too. winky.gif

 

It sounds like this lady is really, really overwhelmed and you could actually be a great role model for her.  I'm a youngish mom (for where we live, I had DD when I was 26 and most people are shocked I already have a kid...) so hanging out with older moms is really the only option. But it's also great for me to see people that are more settled and hear about their lifestyles too.  Also, I learned a lot from a rather crunchy mom that I knew before having DD.  At the time I thought she was a little nuts bag.gif but have now come to respect her decisions and actually we parent very similarly so I guess that's what many people think about me now!

 

I do think it's OK to avoid certain subjects (or even politely mention that you don't feel comfortable talking about certain things) with her if you feel uncomfortable, though.  Nothing wrong with that...

post #9 of 22

One of my closest friends is very different from me in terms of most parenting decisions. She sought out the friendship and at first I wanted nothing to do with her.

 

But you know, I made a conscious decision to be more generous in my attitude towards her, and we are now very close. I feel like we have both benefited from seeing the other person's parenting style. She was big on spanking when we started hanging out, and she rarely spanks now. And I have benefited too: I was kind of a stick-in-the-mud parent when we met, and I have learned from her to put more emphasis on playing with my kids and having fun with them instead of always taking parenting so seriously as I once did.

post #10 of 22
Do you enjoy her company?
Is the relationship reciprocal in some way?
Do you do favors for each other?
Do you want to watch each other's children?

I've had people attach themselves to me before and it can be tricky to ease off. She probably does have some hero worship going on with you. You have to decide for yourself if raising her and the kids up is worth the trouble/effort its going to take.

If you decide to shake her.....change your schedule. Get very busy with your own plans. Use caller ID and don't answer her calls.
post #11 of 22
Thread Starter 

I edited my posts and am done with this thread, thanks for everyone's input! Very helpful! 

 

 


Edited by purplerose - 5/14/11 at 6:24am
post #12 of 22
Thread Starter 

I edited my posts and am done with this thread, thanks for everyone's input! Very helpful! 


Edited by purplerose - 5/14/11 at 6:27am
post #13 of 22
Then I think you know what you need to do. Try the subtle stuff first but you may have to level with her.
post #14 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post

I'm from Maine and the further north you go the stronger that accent gets...it has NOTHING to do with education or pulling yourself out of "that" life and is just because everyone sounds that way.. I personally find the accents of varying regions in this country amusing and interesting. When I hear that Maine accent I know I'm home and I love it.... I myself don't have one but it picks up in a few words I use.. I never considered it an indicator of lack of education or anything. I can appreciate they can be annoying to some but not worth looking down on somebody.



Ayuh, that! lol.gif

 

 

Anyway, I feel like people are brought into our lives to teach us something, and vice versa... We can embrace it or run from it, totally our choice, but there might be something to be gained from pushing ourselves out of our comfort zones and being a little less judgmental and a little more open minded. Not saying we have to be BFFs with people who aren't quite our cup of tea, but being friendly and open just might make a huge difference in their life... or yours! Who knows?

post #15 of 22

 

I totally see your side of this issue.  Sometimes the differences are too great.  Especially when the other person makes negative comments about what you do, even though it's not directed at you.

 

I think you were being brutally honest and it's hard to be that honest.  Then some posters kind of jumped on you for being mean.  (Meanness happens in all of us, some of us are just brave and admit it.)

 

It seems to me you were just trying to understand why she would want to be friends with you.  Then you posted this:


 

Quote:

Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

 

And honestly I don't have the energy to be someone's role model or whatever it is while I'm pregnant

 

So I might be wrong. 

 

But my guess is:

 

- your convenient

- she might look up to you

- you appear calm and controlled and she gravitates to your centeredness - since her life seems to be busy

- your being different doesn't bother her.  You don't push her buttons like she pushes yours

- you were nice to her at some point and she's totally low on the "nice friends well", so you fill her up

 

None of which makes you obligated to be her friend.  Just some ideas on why she spends time with you.  I get that you don't have the energy right now, and I don't believe you're obligated to. 

 

Sometimes a person/situation does defy explanation or understanding.  (Which is so hard for me.  Shouldn't everything have a reasonable expectation?)

 

I think your right about the season ending and you not having to see her again.  Until then, if you don't want to tell her to shove off.  Just try and treat her like you treat other people and hope that she can get something from the experience or that you can.  (Knowing there is an end might be helpful.)

 

post #16 of 22

I don't think there is a damn problem if the OP just doesn't want to be friends with this mama. It's her choice and I can appreciate getting annoyed by people, thats why I like to avoid them!

 

I don't think anyone has jumped down OP's throat for being mean either. She herself said what she wrote probably sounds mean, and frankly the first post she made DID sound mean. It sounded like she was looking down on a stressed out young mama for having an intense accent and a bad family or something. How is it jumping down someone's throat to point out that yeah, that sounded mean? Of course we are all mean at points but thats like saying we are all nice at points, not really a point worth debating you know?

 

OP..I didn't catch the part where you are pregnant and I can absolutely appreciate where tolerance levels diminish greatly. Just be easy on the girl, the thought of a 21 year old with 5 kids is daunting. She's probably dealing with so much and it's not your job to be a role model or whatever but a kind word might very well make her day and cost you nothing.

post #17 of 22

I don't think a person is defined by their parenting choices.  I have known mainstream parents who were wonderful, nice people, the kind of people you would want as friends.  And I have known AP parents who were uptight, judgmental, not very pleasant people-- and of course the opposite is true too!  If you like her besides her parenting style why not be her friend?

post #18 of 22
Thread Starter 

I edited my posts and am done with this thread, thanks for everyone's input! Very helpful! 


Edited by purplerose - 5/14/11 at 6:29am
post #19 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

I do not feel jumped on at all. So I can be judgemental, I'm ok with that because I know myself and IRL I would never say anything to this mother and I would only be nice and friendly and helpful towards her. Some of you made some really good points...it's hard to believe someone would seek out a friendship with me, as I am "old" and boring LOL but maybe she really does need friends. I don't know much about her life. I know MDC is a safe place to get other opinions and have discussions and I knew what I was going to sound like :) I'm not really a mean snotty bitch in real life. Thanks everyone!


I don't think you sounded snotty or mean -- at least not in a way that pretty much all of us haven't thought ourselves at some point or another, whether or not we've said it aloud/in writing! I hope that offering alternative perspectives was helpful, not annoying or whatever... I just have found that some of the people I've judged most initially, end up being wonderful people and sometimes even my best friends!!
post #20 of 22

Tough situation, purplerose.  Sounds like you're just going to have to grin & bear it 'til ball season ends.  I agree that it is difficult to be around people who are so different.  I don't think you'd be out of line, though, to gently remind her that children are around when she's using foul and aggressive language.  She may decide she wants to sit somewhere else!

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