What do you do while waiting for your Partner to become a Father? - Page 2

[Friday13th]

I'm curious if you've really asked him about this stuff, I'm really just wondering what his feelings are on the matter. Is he willing to discuss it?

I also have to say, I'm not a kid person. Other peoples kids make me really anxious and uncomfortable and until I had kids I had very little experience with them at all.  I LOVE my kids, more than anything in the world but it is not all sunshine and roses. They make me want to tear my hair out and go hide in a closet sometimes and hell yes, I'd rather talk to my husband than sing twinkle twinkle little star one more time. I guess I'm saying, not everyone expresses their love for their kids the same way and for some people it's very deeply mixed with uncertainty and sometimes frustration. It seems like your DH loves the baby but doesn't quite know what to do to express it and it seems you have a pretty fixed idea of how to express love towards the baby.

I would be VERY frustrated by the lack of help, whether he's Mr. Rogers or not, it's still his child and he needs to pull his weight; meaning diaper changes, clean up, entertaining while you get things done and helping you out in whatever way you need.

[Forgiven]

Originally Posted by limabean 

I agree with leaving them alone together (as in you leaving the house). But I imagine that you're concerned that he'll just play on the computer the whole time you're gone instead of interacting with her. It must be hard to see him so indifferent to her presence -- I'm sorry that's happening. 

Yes, this is what saddens me. The whole reason I'm leaving them alone is not so that I can get a break but so that they can have the time and opportunity to develop their own relationship. I'm not expecting him to parent like I parent or be as involved as I am. Part of that is just how I am with her. Part of that is just the difference between being her mother versus being a father.

Quote:

Originally Posted by limabean 

People say this a lot, and while I understand that some people aren't "baby people," that doesn't relieve them of their familial obligations, you know? They can feel one way, but they need to act another way because that's what you do when you're a parent. I'm not "into" teenagers, but that doesn't mean that I get to check out of parenting for a few years and foist everything onto DH when our kids reach that age. I need to be an involved mother anyway. 

I agree so much!!! It's okay if he didn't bond right away... I know he's different. Maybe he's not a baby-person. He's a man. He didn't have the help of having carried her for nine months, given birth to her, and breastfeeding and all of the bonding hormones. What's not okay is not trying. Not parenting. Not being involved.

 ZI aII agre

Originally Posted by hopefulfaith 

One thing I did - and I sincerely wish I would have done more of - is left dh alone with the baby much, much more than I did.  I was so deeply into AP & the mother/baby bond that I really feel like I neglected the father/baby bond more than I should have.

... I think it would have helped his relationship with them (and my relationship with him).  Also, I think that even the time I spent with him while he was with the baby/babies was detrimental sometimes ---- he wasn't going to change a lot of diapers or play with them, really, while I was around.  

This is how I feel! I think that I was so all about lovin' on my baby that I didn't pay attention to the father/baby bond. Now I wonder what things would have been like if I had pumped occasionally instead of nursed exclusively. Or had him get up in the middle of the night instead of me. I think I was just so eager and excited to do all of it. And he was so "meh?" and that just worked for us until nine months rolled around and I was sad that he wasn't any more bonded or close or involved with her than from day one. I worry that if I had needed him more, he would have stepped in more.

Originally Posted by Annie Mac 

Forgiven, I think you are doing all the right things. My husband has been very upfront about how left behind he feels with the baby. I mean, he loves her and all, but things really are different, and it's hard sometimes for men to remember that this is just a temporary phase. Eventually they WILL get their wives back and feel a bigger part of the family, and know where they fit in it, but especially if this is their first time, it's difficult. Also, my husband has mentioned that this is kind of an unacceptable thing to say, so there's really no one to talk to about it. If a guy says something like "my wife just had a baby and yeah, she's cute and everything, but goddam, when do I get to have sex again? What about ME???" he comes off as a bit of a selfish jerk. I don't know if that's what's going on with your husband or not, but if it is, it really might help if he could talk to another male friend who has been through it. My husband does have one friend whose children are now teenagers, and I know the conversations with this man have been quite cathartic and given him some perspective. 

Your husband does sound like a good person who is just having some trouble redefining his role. I would give him time, keep doing what you're doing, and if he's the talking sort, talk to him about it. I'm sure he really does love his child, he just needs to learn how to relate to her, to himself and to you as mommy as well. It's a big thing.

Thank you! I feel bad. I do think he's been left behind to a certain extent. I've felt really convicted about this lately. I am so committed to having a great relationship with him. I always co-slept with the baby and nursed her all night long. It really prevented us from having a sex life.

Anyways, I felt like he needs me too. And it is more important to this baby for us to have a great marriage than to have 24/7 access to mama.. but she's too young to make that decision. So, I have successfully (yay!!!) weaned her into her own crib and she goes down early in the evening and we have so much more time to spend with eachother.

I don't think my husband or any husband is a selfish jerk for feeling this way. I think it would help him immensely if he had a friend to talk to about being a father. We really are alone in this. We don't have any friends with babies and I think he really does feel isolated.
 

I am going to try and see if we can find someone for my husband to relate to.
 

Originally Posted by Birdie B. 

I agree a lot with this. Sure, babies can be boring, but OP, I would be heartbroken too if my husband showed no interest in our child.

I havent' been in your position, but I have seen friends struggle with it.  It's really challenging and sad for the family.  My father was like this, I think he is glad we were born, but he has never shown much interest in us.  I married someone who was the complete opposite, because it was pretty awful growing up and feeling like one of your parents doesn't even care about you. 

I wish I had some good advice for you, but maybe if you just keep talking to him about it, you can find out what his real issue is and help him work it out.

I think it is really sad! I feel so torn between 1) let him develop into an involved father on his own timeframe and 2) thinking "ack! maybe early intervention is better". I can't stand the thought of my girl growing up with a distant relationship with her father. It's too early on to know whether that's just the way it is or there is opportunity for change?

Will he suddenly get involved and bonded when she is more of a child and less of a baby? Or it's just not really going to happen but could have been prevented if he had been more hands-on, forced or not?

Originally Posted by Qestia 

I had another thought--do you have any negative thoughts about parenthood at all? Can you dredge any up? You sound so over the moon. Frankly I wonder if that's alienating your DH a little. It would alienate me if you were my friend. Really, everything about your DD is just perfect? Maybe if you shared a bit of the non-amazing wonderful isn't everything great stuff, like "I miss sleeping eight hours in a row" or "Remember when we could just go hang-gliding whenever we felt like it" he might be able to open up, and be a bit more authentic, if you know what I mean. Maybe he just feels he can't live up to your over the top positivity, and is holding back a bit, because he's afraid to let any negativity out, in fear of disappointing you, but if he knew you had those feelings too (if you do), it might actually deepen their relationship and yours.

Does that make sense?

It does make sense. I will think about this. On one hand, this very truly is the way I feel. I'm no Pollyanna. She is an extremely easy and happy baby. She really is a pleasure to be around. I know she might be a handful when she's going through the Terrible 2's or a teenager. But, she really is this wonderful right now and I am loving every minute of it!

I do try and talk about "remember how easy it was to just go and do this?" or "remember what it was like to have ample money and no responsibilities?"

(For the record, he heartily joins me in commisserating, haha)
 

Originally Posted by MSWmama 

It sounds like you and your DD have such an amazing bond! But ... maybe your parenting style is a lot for him to live up to. I mean, I love my DS, he is the light of my life, but I could not honestly say that every diaper change, every bath, etc, has been a joy. Sometimes, I'm just getting through the day until my DH comes home and I can have an adult conversation while DS plays with rice on his highchair tray. My DH and I both feel that way sometimes.

Babies can be fun and hilarious and a joy and the best thing that ever happened to you ... but they are also at times boring, and scary, and frustrating. It sounds like you have an unusually positive view of even the day-to-day drudgery of parenting a baby, but most parents do not feel that way. Honestly, when I read your post it made me feel kind of anxious, thinking about trying to live up to that as your partner. I don't know what you can do about that, assuming that your feelings are genuine and that you've never felt bored or irritated or just wanted your DD to play quietly so that you can check MDC or Facebook or whatever ... if you HAVE felt that way, I would encourage you to share that with your DH, to let him know that parenting isn't always wonderful, even for you, and that's ok. If you really do enjoy every single aspect of parenting your daughter all the time, I would encourage you to allow him the space to feel bored and frustrated, and to develop his own relationship with DD. 

I hope this makes sense. I'm not trying to tell you that your feelings about parenting are wrong, just that they are unusual, and your DP might feel like he can't really live up to that so why bother trying, you know? 

Please see my response above. I think it applies here too. I really do want him to have the space to have his own relationship with her. It would have been nice to have both been so over-the-moon but honestly, if it had to happen to one of us... I'm thrilled it happened to me.

I really do mean it when I say that I am fine with him having a relationship with her as her father that looks different from mine. I am NOT fine with a weak/distant relationship and no involvement and like I said above, I'm worried that maybe i'm in some golden period where you can easily bond to her that might not be there... say, when she is tantruming or back-talking. Right now, it's easy and fun and I want him to jump in now for these joyful parts.

Originally Posted by limabean 

Okay, the bolded is abnormal IMO. It does sound like he's nervous, scared, or something. I would lose my mind if someone (especially my child's OTHER PARENT) called me TWENTY TIMES while I was out for an hour or two. What do you say when he does that? I'd say, "I will be home in another hour. I won't be home before then, so don't call to ask that question. Good bye." 

I know, right?!?

The first couple calls are pleasant:

oh, i'll be home at three. can't wait!.

Honey, if there's not a problem, try not to call me too much so that I can wrap up my work and come home early to you guys.

Husband, I'm working as fast as I can. I think I can get done ahead of schedule, please try not to call so much.

Husband! Seriously! I can't get any work done with you calling constantly!

Ok, I will be home at three. I can probably hurry and get done faster. Please do not call me anymore

Stop calling me. I will call you the second I finish.

then I just ignore the calls (hence the twenty missed calls) and he get's really mad that I won't pick up and we have a big argument whenever I do finish and call him.

He isn't nervous or scared. Just bored and quite honestly, probably nagging me for leaving him alone with the baby.
 

Originally Posted by Ldavis24 

eh I was going to leave it alone because sometimes people have a hard time admitting that they don't love EVERY SINGLE SECOND of time with their baby...Like you are a bad parent if you admit that once awhile your kid stresses you out or whatever..

Babies are great and awesome but they aren't perfectly pleasant all the time. Now OP, when your darling baby becomes a screaming toddler just remember that it passes as well (I keep telling myself that)...

Your DH does sounds scared TBH...or unsure or nervous or just not ready to handle a lot of baby stuff yet. I feel bad for you because that means it is all on you, no matter how much you love your baby that is still a lot of work.

Does the baby cry a lot with your DH or something? Or is she mellow with him as well? Maybe he had a bad time when you were gone once and it scared him, he might have been afraid to tell you about it because for you everything is perfect all the time you know? That is really hard to live up to.

I know that some people have a hard time with their babies and some babies are colicky/high-needs. I fully believe that. But I think sometimes the flip-side of the coin happens. Some people (undeservedly) have an abnormally wonderful experience and have incredibly easy babies. I think it's luck/random. I'm so glad it happened to me. i know it can change tomorrow. That's all fine. I have loved these eleven months though. I really really have!

She doesn't cry or fuss with my husband at all. She's easy, happy, and mellow with him too. I think his only complaint is that after an hour or so of him playing computer games or on the iPhone with her locked in the room that she eventually finds her way over to the computer and starts pulling on the cords. Or if he holds her, she'll try to bang on the computer.

____________________________________________________________

whew! that is a lot of responses. Thank you all so much for weighing-in and replying to my post!

[zinemama]

OP, I definitely feel for you and think you've gotten a lot of good feedback. However, I do want to say that no matter why your husband is not stepping up to the plate as a father - and he certainly doesn't seem to be - it really isn't your job to fix it. You have tried all sorts of strategies and they haven't worked and I don't think you should try any more.

This is a problem your dh is going to have to tackle all by himself, and at this point, I think that should mean a third party, i.e. a counselor, maybe for both of you. I can only imagine how much stress it would give me to have an uninvolved father as a partner, and how, little by little, it would erode my respect and affection for him. Because once there's a kid involved, I don't think it's possible to say, "He's a terrible father. But he's a great guy and a wonderful husband!" Because great guys and wonderful husbands are, by definition, good fathers. Or at the very least, they try to be. And your husband isn't even trying.

What I would do in your shoes is to sit him down once and for all and say, "Look, this issue is affecting our marriage and it would mean a lot to me if we could talk to someone about it." And then make the appointment.

[Chicky2]

I don't have alot to add to what's been said except in my world, my dh is a wonderful, loving, totally committed to us, wonderful provider/husband/father.  That said, he was MUCH better with our children once they weren't so 'floppy', lol.  Yk, once they could toddle around and play and talk/babble somewhat coherently.  It's just the way he was.  With each child he would do MORE when they were a baby, but he still didn't blossom with them until they were small toddlers.  He would come home and pop a baby in a sling and go for a walk if I needed to finish up supper, or occasionally change a diaper or something when I needed, but as far as actual intentional playing/interacting, it wasn't happening alot until they were older.  Yes sometimes I'd get frustrated or worried, but eventually they all developed their own thing and it's great!  Yes, your dh needs to step up.  You are just going to have to figure out how that's going to be, and really it should be him figuring that out. 

Maybe when he comes home you need to just hand over the baby and let him figure out what to do with her.  Or maybe it would be better to schedule a family walk/outside time, etc. each evening, letting him carry the babe and you and he just talking?

[kcparker]

I haven't read all the replies, but I wanted to tell you that my DH has told me that he only likes kids once they can communicate. Before that, on some level, they are sort of undifferentiated blobs of crying and poop, and he doesn't feel much rapport with them (although he has been the SAH parent because it happened that I had the decent job, while he was doing a PhD and then not finding work).

You said: He "likes" the baby. He is affectionate towards her. He always asks me how her day has been, what she's been doing, etc. He would be a nice uncle. I can't see any evidence of a bond or deep love for her. I think he would be fine going weeks without actually seeing her. He doesn't want to spend time with her. If I do ask him to watch her while I take a shower or something (really it's always just a ploy to get him to spend time with her) he will simply block off the door and play on his iPhone or computer until I come back. She's easy enough to not demand any attention.

You can't know how he feels about her, and he might not even know - if she got really, deathly sick or hit by a car, you would find out that he'd be devastated just like you would be. It's not that she's not easy, maybe, but she's sort of boring for him at this stage, or he doesn't think to play peek a boo or pretend to be a bear or whatever will make her laugh. My husband has said, in all seriousness, that the baby isn't really a PERSON to him until the baby can talk or communicate. In fact, both of our kids have been called "The Pet Human" during their toddler stage, but Pet Human no longer applies once they can form a complete sentence. It is true that he might just have a less primal bond with her at this stage, but it will grow as she does. Remember, you have done ALL the heavy lifting - nursing, bathing, most of the caregiving, so he also hasn't had the chance to do the bonding stuff. It's really okay though. It will come, and he will love her well -- look at how much he loves YOU, right? And, just to do a thought experiment - what if he's afraid that his love for his daughter could somehow supplant his love for you and he's holding back? What would happen if he ended up focusing his love on her and less on you?

When I saw that he wasn't any more bonded to her or interested in being with her, I thought, "hmmm, maybe me being so happy to do everything is actually a hinderence. Maybe if I relied on him more or needed his help, he would spend more time with her and develop into a father. Maybe you really need to share the burdens and the joys.

I'd say this is true for you to maintain your sanity, more than for them to bond. Even if he's not wild about it, he does still need to share the burden. But you wanting him to do this to help you out versus you wanting him to love his daughter in a certain way are two different issues.

So at this point (9mo old) I forced him to change her diaper for the first time.... yes, the first time.

You can't force him to parent exactly the way you want him to (and look at his family or origin to see if what he does reflects what he got from his own folks growing up). It will come with practice and the sweetness of time. If I were going to lay down any laws though, I would tell him to put the dang iPhone away and actually be present with his child - take her for a walk or put her in a mei tai and cook dinner or something.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Forgiven 
 

I know, right?!?

The first couple calls are pleasant:

oh, i'll be home at three. can't wait!.

Honey, if there's not a problem, try not to call me too much so that I can wrap up my work and come home early to you guys.

Husband, I'm working as fast as I can. I think I can get done ahead of schedule, please try not to call so much.

Husband! Seriously! I can't get any work done with you calling constantly!

Ok, I will be home at three. I can probably hurry and get done faster. Please do not call me anymore

Stop calling me. I will call you the second I finish.

then I just ignore the calls (hence the twenty missed calls) and he get's really mad that I won't pick up and we have a big argument whenever I do finish and call him.

He isn't nervous or scared. Just bored and quite honestly, probably nagging me for leaving him alone with the baby.

Hmm, it sounds like his pestering tactics work though -- he gets his desired result, that you frantically try to rush through whatever you're doing and hurry home to bail him out. What if you laid out the expectations (and maybe -- hopefully! -- got him on board) before you left?

Tell him exactly what time you'll be home, and that you won't be home a minute before then whether he calls and fights with you or not. If he resists, or starts in with the, "But maybe you can finish early, right?" then I would even say, "Even if I do finish early, I'm going to sit on a bench and read a book until 3:00 rolls around." And then come home at 3:00. No answering his calls, no calling him to let him know you're on the way home. Just breeze in the door at exactly 3:00 (letting him know your word is good), saying, "Hi honey, hope you guys had fun! Wanna go for a walk?"

But definitely don't appease his pestering by agreeing to rush, or finish early, or whatever. If you calmly smile and say (BEFORE you leave, because remember there will be no contact until you arrive back home), "I know you guys will be just fine -- have fun and I'll see you at 3" and then stick to that, it transmits the sense that you have complete confidence in him rather than that you're buying into his incompetence. I know it sounds strange, but when you say things like, "Okay, I'll finish early and come home," it sends the message that you agree that he's in over his head and needs help. It sounds like you don't actually feel that way, but it could be feeding into his sense that he can't do it alone. 

[MSWmama]

Originally Posted by limabean 

Hmm, it sounds like his pestering tactics work though -- he gets his desired result, that you frantically try to rush through whatever you're doing and hurry home to bail him out. What if you laid out the expectations (and maybe -- hopefully! -- got him on board) before you left?

Tell him exactly what time you'll be home, and that you won't be home a minute before then whether he calls and fights with you or not. If he resists, or starts in with the, "But maybe you can finish early, right?" then I would even say, "Even if I do finish early, I'm going to sit on a bench and read a book until 3:00 rolls around." And then come home at 3:00. No answering his calls, no calling him to let him know you're on the way home. Just breeze in the door at exactly 3:00 (letting him know your word is good), saying, "Hi honey, hope you guys had fun! Wanna go for a walk?"

But definitely don't appease his pestering by agreeing to rush, or finish early, or whatever. If you calmly smile and say (BEFORE you leave, because remember there will be no contact until you arrive back home), "I know you guys will be just fine -- have fun and I'll see you at 3" and then stick to that, it transmits the sense that you have complete confidence in him rather than that you're buying into his incompetence. I know it sounds strange, but when you say things like, "Okay, I'll finish early and come home," it sends the message that you agree that he's in over his head and needs help. It sounds like you don't actually feel that way, but it could be feeding into his sense that he can't do it alone. 

I can't figure out how to do the yeah, that icon on my iPhone, but... Yeah, that!

[Tigerchild]

How much time does he actually get with you?

Are you either wrapped up in the baby OR insisting that he be alone with her?

What's wrong with asking him to hold her while you cook dinner, and every few moments, dance with him (and her) wrapping your arms around both?  Go for a walk holding hands with him wearing her in the backpack or pushing the stroller.  Hang out and talk, with the baby present but allowing her to entertain herself?

Instead of asking him to do baby care because of your need to see him "bond" like you think he should be--can you ask him to do laundry/dishes instead?  When you're nursing, ask him to get you a glass of water, and then grin at him and say, "Thanks for taking care of us."

I get the feeling that you are kind of detached from him at this point.  It's not abnormal or anything, but I think for lots of guys they bond with baby first and foremost because of their bond with mom.  As soon as the baby starts to assert their own will and personality, they might enjoy them more for themselves (sometimes doing that BETTER than mom, to be honest).

So I would look at doing things together or with him first;  he seems to be pretty clear that he really misses you and wants to be with YOU.  I think that's a valid feeling too.

[Tjej]

Tigerchild beat me to it - it sounds to me like your DH is missing you.  I'd try to find more ways to interact with him positively. 

I'd lay down the law on the phone too - tell him you're turning it off at work and then do it.  Abandon him with her and don't coach him through stuff even if he seems to want it.  I sort of see that as him just wanting you and your attention (which is fine, but I don't think it's about your child as much, and I think it just makes you upset with your DH). 

I think it sounds like you've fallen so totally in love with your DD that it may have distanced you from your DH.  I get it, it happens.  I think I'd work on restoring your love and relationship with DH. 

Tjej

[enjoythesilence]

I hate to be the first one to bring this up, but the calling 20+ times while you are at work, and getting angry at you for not answering every.single.call sets off a lot of alarm bells in my brain.  Seems really controlling, and not very respectful of you or your work that you need to get done. 

[hildare]

i have less to say about the relationship between your partner and child than about the relationship with you and your dp.

i hope that it's ok, since you didn't specifically ask for comments on that.

i notice that you're saying you force him to do x, y, or z.  i cannot imagine that, even if you're just using that language for the sake of brevity in explaining, that this sets him up to feel capable or to perform without guilt or a feeling of being judged.  that might even be the crux of the problem, as you seem so confident/competent.  personally, if i feel as though i'm not going to do something 'right' - and boy can my dh get critical sometimes- i tend to fall into learned helplessness or to not even attempt something at all. 

i also bristle when i think my own dh is being patronizing, and i can imagine your sweetie construing some of your well meaning attempts at getting him to bond as this.  i also know that i didn't bond with my dd for a long time.  long enough for her to actually acknowledge my existence.  babyhood is hard for some people. 

sometimes the best way to love somebody and the best way to facilitate the parent-child bonding is to give that person trust.  don't set him up for failure, don't let him think he's being judged...  be there when he asks.  (or at least i would) and for us, the best way to get my dh to do something much of the time is to BACK OFF a bit.  (and for that matter, me too!!!) maybe ask him for help, ask him for advice, try to read some things together and discuss it... i would perceive that since you seem so knowledgeable about all of the caregiving that he might be intimidated or have feelings of not being good enough.  you forcing the situation isn't helping that, it's probably just making him feel less like you trust his ability and judgement. 

the relationship between a couple tends to get thrown by the wayside with a little one, too.. maybe you could 'feed it' a little, or give him some like ina may says, you know? 

[SilverFish]

when i leave the house, i say how long i will be gone for at MINIMUM, and that no amount of calling or crisis will get me home before then. so if i want to get my hair cut, i say i'll be gone at least 2 hours, and then i'm going to stay and chat with my girlfriends for a little while longer, and he's free to call after that 2 hour mark if they're struggling. that way i get my minimum time out at least, and can stretch that time out without feeling guilty. i would really lay down the law if i was getting multiple calls though, and definitely not say i was going to rush home.

as to HOW your partner bonds with your dd, i don't think you can police it like you are. my dh is a great dad, i think, but when he's left in charge of her, he fully takes advantage of her amusing herself to play on his computer as much as possible. it annoys me a little but i figure that if she needs more interaction from him, she'll demand it (and sure enough, while she was actually content to play in her crib for upwards of 30 min at a time at 8-9 months, she is increasingly demanding as she gets older). he really would not be able to get away with sitting there on his computer for the whole time i was gone now.

that said, i expect our family bonding time to come as a family! i don't expect them to go off and amuse themselves by choice at this stage. when all three of us are home, we play as a group... singing silly songs, bath time, flying in the air, peekaboo, etc. i am still the lynchpin at this point in our family life... and i wonder whether that's fair sometimes, but i have come to accept it. both my husband and my daughter gravitate towards me naturally, so unless i really need some private time, i just expect that their interactions are going to involve me. OP, i would really try to build that family play time. i definitely notice that the songs and games we've come up with together are ones he repeats with her later, without me. like we discovered that you can pick her up in the highchair and "rocket" her around the room, to her great delight. a few days later, he was doing "rocket" with her while i made dinner. or he sees me singing a song to her that she thinks is funny, and sure enough, he is singing it to her on his own later.

consider too that it is equally important that your dd witness a strong and healthy adult relationship between her parents as it is for her to interact with her dad. we favour a bit of benign ignoring of our dd so that we have a chance to focus on each other. i don't mean putting your baby in a crib and shutting the door so you can have dinner and a glass of wine... i mean taking advantage of her quiet, happy moments to talk and look at each other, instead of her.

anyway, i guess my main response is that you need to relax about it. your baby is still young, and given the time and opportunity, they will bond. my dad was not the "playing" type... my parents had very traditional and conservative roles in the home, and yet i am incredibly close to my dad now (and that is on top of receiving corporal punishment from him). think carefully about what you NEED him to do (give you a few hours break a week? take over one meal and one diaper change per day?) and lay it out as the minimum you need him to be doing for her, and then just sit back and relax as much as possible on the rest.

[MsFortune]

I had a bit of a challenge with my husband when my DS (first) was born.  Husband would help with the work of taking care of the baby, but it was pretty obvious that it was work to him.  The other thing, we coslept and nursed and I think that sets up a bad dynamic for dad.  It becomes YOUR baby and he just helps.  I agree with previous posters that you need to keep encouraging your husband to take care of the baby.  Partly because that is how bonding happens, but also because it is work, and it is only fair that you get some time alone.

I discovered that my husband enjoyed playing with the baby and me - so I tried to do that.  He found the baby boring, but the three of us playing was fun for him.  

It also changed for him when the baby became more interactive - at maybe 6 months or so.  We have a 2 1/2 year old and an 8 MO old - he obviously enjoys and prefers spending time with the older kid more.  

I think a lot of men don't love babies.  It may change for him.

But you can't expect him to parent the way that you do.  You can expect him to do 1/2 the work, but that's about it.

[SubliminalDarkness]

I can only speak from my experience, but my DH just is not a baby person. He doesn't "get" babies. They don't make sense to him, he doesn't know how to interact with them, he's essentially uncomfortable with them. He CAN go through the motions, but there's no connection there.

With DS1, I thought it was just the circumstances.... We hadn't been together long, there was a lot of emotional/financial stress, we were working awful hours, and so on. So when we had DS2, I expected that things would be different. But they weren't. 

But with both kids, around the time they reached real "toddler" age and could suddenly play and interact and communicate verbally in some way, it all changed. DH loved his time with them. He didn't do things my way, and I had to be ok with that. They were cared for. 

The main thing, though, that DH did do with both boys when they were small was take them out of the house. He'd basically just run errands, sometimes just wander around Best Buy for no reason. But he'd take a carrier and wear them and they'd have a blast together. 

[TinkerBelle]

He needs to grow up. I know that I will get flamed, but if you have sex, you are, in essence, willing to become a parent, because as we know, birth control can fail.

How would he like it if you rushed through sex or something HE liked or needed to be done?

Being an adult and a parent means that you sometimes have to do things that you do not want to do. What if you became ill? What would he do then?

[bremen]

a lot of dads find it easier and more enjoyable to do things with a baby, rather than just take care of them.

ask him to take her to the home depot with him.

take a walk with her to get that one last ingredient for dinner.

take her to the park and push her in the baby swing.

you sound like you are so in love with her that cleaning poop out of her hair would be a wamr and fuzzy bonding experience. for him, not so much.

doing something he enjoys with the baby along might help him enjoy time with the baby.

[new2this]

Ok a few things. 

What are you doing to still make your marriage grow and be a team together?

You can't make him love/bond with a child on your terms. While to you it may appear he isn't bonded or has a uncle type love for her that could be far from the truth.

DH is a great father however when it comes to changing diapers, feeding her, making her bottles. Its not going to happen on his own. I have to ask him to do it. If I want to go grocery shopping well DD either should already be napping or about to nap. Up until 6 months of age he never changed a dirty diaper or given her a bath. I went grocery shopping and sure enough DD had a blow out and needed a bath. When it came to it he had no problems doing so. But if I am here not a chance of that happening. Oh and forget about nighttime parenting he tried and said I don't know what she wants and said you do it. 

DD loves DH I see it and while DH may not be hands on like I am he loved DD and can't imagine life without her. She gets excited when he walks in the door. and now that she is mobile and not just sleeping, eating, newborn stage he is more hands on being the fun parent with playing. DH plays with DD way better then I do. Every night when he is home he will sit with her before her bedtime however if she starts fussing or anything like that she gets passed of to me. He always makes comments that he can't wait till she can walk and is more fun. So for him the baby stage is more my time then his. Doesn't mean he won't step up when he needs to but if I am here it falls on me. But that doesn't mean he isn't bonded with her or loves her any less then I do. 

[Hannah32]

A couple of thoughts: 

1) the constant calling is unacceptable and needs to stop; it's totally not fair to you.

2) your love for your daughter sounds really really hard to live up to. i don't even know you and I'm intimidated by it. It's just not like that for the vast majority of new parents. I don't think it's fair for you to expect him to have the reaction to your daughter that you did. 

3) I'm willing to bet some money that he loves her very much. 

[caldo]

I'm going to agree with Tjej. I think this has a lot less to do about the baby and a lot to do with YOU. I sounds to me like he really wants to be with you, and maybe he's a touch resentful that now there's this little person who is always in the way. Not that he doesn't love her, or doesn't care, but she changed his world, in ways he likely wasn't expecting. It sounds like you are beautifully attached to your child, but is it hindering your relationship? He can't have time with you when she's not there. Or if you don't have her, it means that he has her for the purpose of you being away. I think that's a rough point for him to be. I know leaving little ones is hard, but have you thought of perhaps having a date night with just the two of you away for a couple hours? Have you ever done things just the two of you since her birth?

Him always calling you over to talk to you is what makes me think that. I definitely think the two of you need an adult time together. At the very least the three of you should do something fun together... but I'm leaning more towards he's feeling like he's lost you a bit to the baby.

[Marissamom]

I'm totally in love with my babies, but I dislike diaper changes, and try to get through them as quickly as possible, same with baths and feedings sometimes. and often, if they're content, I will ignore them to do something I want to do, and sometimes I feel resentful when they interrupt me when I'm doing something. 

I honestly feel bad for your husband, because I know if my DF decided that meant I didn't love the kids and tried to force me to take care if them so I could bond with them, I would hate it, and start to feel resentful. I do change diapers etc., but I do it because it needs done, not because I find joy in doing it. 

your husband should be taking part in baby care, not to force him to bond, but because doing so helps you out. and you should be working in some play time for all three of you, be it a round of tickling, going for a walk together, or going to the park, no electronics allowed during family playtime. family playtime helps everyone feel connected, and will give him ideas of how to play with her by himself.