hurt child getting physically angry at parent

[kathteach]

I hope this is the right forum. 

I don't know if any of you have experienced this.  My five and three year old both seem to do this and I'm at a loss how to help them cope with their anger/upsetness in a healthy way.

Just now my three y.o. was playing and banged his head on the table.  He was crying, I could tell it hurt badly.  I held him and kissed him and he was gasping/sobbing out what happened (I was in the kitchen when it happened and came running.) He let me hold him and comfort him while he cried, but then all of a sudden it turned to anger and then he started trying to hit/kick me.  I tried to keep the focus on comforting him while deflecting the blows but finally I had to say mama is not for hitting, I need to keep my body safe...if you keep hitting me I need to put you in your room to keep me safe, which I ended up doing.  He is playing quietly in there now after slamming the door a few times.

How can I teach my children to process their anger in a healthy way, in a way that they don't lash out physically at me or anyone else? What am I doing wrong? It's to the point that whenever either one gets upset about something I inwardly cringe, because I know sooner or later it's not going to be about the real issue, it's going to be about trying to hurt mama.  How can I help them deal with the original issue? I feel so clueless.  I welcome all and any opinions and you don't have to sugarcoat, I really want to figure this out! Thanks mamas.

[syn_ack89]

My 4 yr old has started doing this so I am subbing. Hopefully someone has ideas.

[porcelina]

I have never heard of this. Is it anger at hitting head that is then directed at you?

What do you say when you are holding them? I read a book on "Trauma-proofing your child" and it said to talk about what happened. So I often run through the story of how they were hurt. "You were sitting here, having so much fun, playing here, and suddenly, you bumped your head! And it really hurt! It made you very upset." "Right there [show place] - that is where you hit your head. That is a very pointy edge" etc. This seems to get them to process what happened. Maybe if there is then anger, you can say, "sometimes when we feel hurt, we get angry." When we feel angry, we can stomp our feet, like this!" [stomp feet]

I don't know, I really don't have a sense of what exactly is going on with hitting mom when angry, but that is what I would do if child hit head, for example,

[cyclamen]

My dd is only 2, but we began doing something similar as porcelina recently.  When DD gets upset about something, we tell her a story about it and it really seems to help.  Today, she actually asked for a story when I told her no more milky.  So I told her a story about her wanting milky and me saying no and her crying and me offering to hug her.  Then she hugged me instead of freaking out....  I was shocked.

I do kind of think... they probably hit you because they think you are a rock.  You know?  Not because they want to hurt you but because on some level, they probably don't believe you can hurt.  A friend of mine "sucks the pain out" of her daughters "owies" - and this really appeals to her 4 year old's magical thinking.  Another friend taught her daughter to jump up and down and sing, "shake shake shake it out!"  And perhaps that works because some people need to physically discharge the pain.  You know?  I stop my feet when I burn my hand, and DP will thump the table.  Maybe they're trying to thump the table, but you're right there in the way, so they thump you instead.  What happens if you offer verbal but not physical comfort?  Just observation?  What happens if you ask him if he wants you to hold him before you hold him?

I don't know you or anything, but you probably aren't doing anything "wrong" and they probably aren't going to grow up to be people who hit other people when they are angry.... because I feel like I see this among kids and parents all the time.  When mom says, "We really have to go - NOW," and the kid bites mom.  It's at least partially because they are hurt/sad and the hurt is coming out onto the parent.

[Lazy Gardens]

Originally Posted by kathteach 

Just now my three y.o. was playing and banged his head on the table.  He was crying, I could tell it hurt badly.  I held him and kissed him and he was gasping/sobbing out what happened (I was in the kitchen when it happened and came running.) He let me hold him and comfort him while he cried, but then all of a sudden it turned to anger and then he started trying to hit/kick me. 

The adrenaline from the fear and pain of the injury has to go somewhere, and getting angry is an instinctive way to vent it. I've seen the same reaction in injured adults at a ski patrol clinic. Although adults tend to kick the furniture, cuss up a storm, or throw something instead of attacking us, it's common. Also, we aren't being very soothing, just matter-of-fact checking for injuries. We just toss them a pillow or a teddy bear and say "beat this up, you'll feel better" and usually get a laugh.

Small children - and we see a few of them that come in solo - tend to reserve their anger for their parents, not the strangers taking care of them. My personal guess is that they feel safer venting their frustration and fear at a trusted person than some strange person loaded with clanking gear and medical supplies. They will be holding up bravely until mom or dad appears, then go into total meltdown so predictably that we warn the parents it's coming before we let them into the clinic area.
(NOTE: Why are we treating kids without the parent being there? It's an emergency situation, and we're not going to make a child sit there and bleed or leave a busted bone unsplinted until parents can be found ... if the injury is bad enough, we ship the kid out to hospital in a chopper before the parents get there)

Because you know it's likely to happen with a toddler, make sure you are either ready to get out of range when the adrenaline rage hits (say "no hitting", put them down and walk away), have the child in a secure hold where they can't hurt you (this makes some children even angrier), or have something ready for them to pound on.

After they vent a bit and can talk without gasping, you can talk to them about how getting hurt makes them scared and angry, and that being scared and angry is OK, getting mad at the table is OK, hitting a pillow is OK, but hitting mommy is not OK.

[purplerose]

It got to the point where I just ignore when my daughter gets hurt and if she wants us she'll come to us. She gets really mean and nasty when she hurts herself. Now if it were something serious(you see a bone, something sticking out of an arm, a bad blow to the head...) I take care of it immediately, but normally she needs to be left alone. The worst thing about a child like this is it's hard to figure out if it's serious to intrude on her handling it herself. When I get hurt I am the same way...leave me the hell alone. Don't watch me, don't ask if I'm ok. I'll let you know if I'm not ok LOL Even if I cry, I must still be left alone.