Need help teaching discipline to my 3 year old

[ChangingWoman]

We have been attatchment parents from the start, much to all of our family and friends dismay, simply because, for us, we were only doing what came naturally. When Sophie was a baby it was harder than it is now in a lot of respects, but, I'm learning that in other respects, it was smooth sailing. Put her in her sling, give her a breast, and voila! One happy little camper. Now Miss Independant is thinking for herself and doing for herself, and I have more "me" time, but, sometimes she can be quite mouthy, totally disrespectful, and embarrassing when I feel my family and friends judging my mothering skills. I DO NOT want to raise a robot. I love her firey independant soul, but, I do fear that she has no respect for me whatsoever, and I need to do something now, but, I don't know what. Any book suggestions, or advice would be grealty appreciated. We are expecting our second daughter in August, too, btw.

[nd_deadhead]

Three is definitely the Age of Independence! Toddlers continually test their limits, to figure out exactly where they are, the same way a 10-month-old repeatedly drops things on the floor to figure out that gravity works the same way every time.

The key to parenting a toddler (or teenager, for that matter!) is consistency. AP doesn't mean no rules, and talking politely is a reasonable rule. Model the behavior you expect, treat her with respect, and let her know when she is meeting that expectation and when she is not - for example, "Sophie, that is not a polite way to talk. Can you think of a better way to say that?"

Next, don't let her boss you around (is that what you mean by mouthy and disresepctful?) Tell her that you don't order her around, and you won't let her order you around. If she needs something, she can ask politely. This isn't creating a robot - it's creating a child who understands how to get along with other people - a skill she will use her whole life! If you are consistent, and reinforce appropriate behavior and ignore obnoxious behavior, she'll soon figure out which is more effective.

Right now she's trying new things - just like she learned about her world as a 1-yr-old by holding it and sticking it in her mouth, she's learning about relationships by testing different styles of interaction. If acting like Miss Crankypants is working for her, she doesn't have much incentive to change.

I like "How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen". I haven't read it, but "Playful Parenting" was recommended in another thread.

Good luck!

[ChangingWoman]

Well, this is basically what we already do, and it pretty much works, except when Grammy is around for some reason, in which case, Sophie tends to think she doesn't have to listen to me at all. I guess it's in these times that I get flustered and embarrased and start second guessing myself. And it doesn't help when Grammy starts telling me about what so-and-so's children are doing and how well behaved they are! Is it normal for kids to misbehave when the grandparents are around? She also gets very deiant when her friends are around. I guess that's pretty normal, huh? Fighting me because I'm the authority figure. Thanks for the advice. I will look into the books that you mentioned.

[luckymamaoftwo]

For us, yes, it's been a pattern that DD tunes me out anytime we're with another mama or with a grandparent. Frustrating, for sure, but I think it's normal? If I ask her to "try and go potty before music class" she gives me a "no!" But if another mama and friend suggests it, sure enough, she goes for it. And I totally get the whole getting flustered and embarrassed in the moment in front of friends or family who doubt AP parenting (many of my family members are critical). 

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by ChangingWoman 

Well, this is basically what we already do, and it pretty much works, except when Grammy is around for some reason, in which case, Sophie tends to think she doesn't have to listen to me at all. I guess it's in these times that I get flustered and embarrased and start second guessing myself. And it doesn't help when Grammy starts telling me about what so-and-so's children are doing and how well behaved they are! Is it normal for kids to misbehave when the grandparents are around? She also gets very deiant when her friends are around. I guess that's pretty normal, huh? Fighting me because I'm the authority figure. Thanks for the advice. I will look into the books that you mentioned.

Yes!  Especially if they sense (and I swear they are like psychic when it somes to this) that Grammy doesn't fully approve of your methods, or might slip you jellybeans to make you be nice/quiet.

The friends thing is also normal.  Children tend to one-up each other on the sassafrass front when they get together.

I think the best thing at this age is to keep boundaries firm but fair, allow them independence where they may not expect it but you trust they can handle it and be there for them when they are scared or overwhelmed even if they just told you to leave alone.

I found three to be very difficult because one minute DS was all over me and then he'd be mad at me for helping him do something and then he'd be crying because I didn't help him...I was like DUDE!  what do you want?  Please just tell me!!!

The rude thing I just addressed in another thread about 3 yo.  I think they need a learning curve and patience and a willingness to brush off embarassment.  I remembered at that age how often I used to say to my mom as a teen "mom, you;re embarassing me!!!" and at the time I thought...that was my punishment for embarassing her as toddler...for sure!  And I am sure I deserved it.  Just laugh about it, or try to, and be firm, modelling ways to speak, like a language teacher "okay class, repeat after me: 'I don't like broccoli, may have an apple instead please?'" I figure if it took me 15-20 years to become semi fluent in a second language it takes most people at least half that to become truly truly fluent in a second language (beyond verbal skills and into language specific social skills).  There are ways for her to be independent, percocious and kind, but it takes a lot of practice and guidance.

Her Grammy should appreciate her for who SHE is not who she is in comparison to everyone else's kids, and help rather than question your parenting skills.