Having a rough week with my 4 1/2 year old

[MisaGoat]

Basically I don't know what to do and I feel awful, that I am failing my son and my husband.

I have two sons my 4 1/2 year old and a 5 month old.  My older son I just picked up from a playdate and he ran out of his friend's house, away from me, so I had to catch him and ended up carrying him to the car, while his friend's mom carried the baby. This is the 3rd incident this week. 

Thursday morning he didn't want to go to school (pre-K for 2.5 hours), we were late, he was outside the school and ran away from me. The principal came out and asked if I needed help and got the aide from his classroom, and then his teacher came out and talked to him. He said that another child had told him he was a "bad guy" and he was upset. (He didn't tell me this at home or in the car). Then he went into school and was fine the rest of the day. (There has been a lot of good vs bad, superheros etc stuff with the boys in his class).

Wednesday afternoon, I forget the specifics. But he threw a shoe at me and was squeezing my neck with both hands. I took away one of his toys.

The two main issues are 1) running away from me 2) hitting me. 

Now overall he is a very gentle, sweet boy and has not had any problems hitting his classmates/friends/teachers/brother/father etc. It seems to be limited to me. I feel like I need another perspective. My husband thinks I need to be tougher on him but I don't know what to do. I had him go to his room today after we got home from his friend's house. 

Ideas/perspective welcome. I need him to understand it is unacceptable to act like that and I am out of ideas especially at the time.

[mom2lucy]

That must be tough, especially with a new baby.  My first thought is if the behavior is related to the arrival of the baby?  was he having these problems before DS2?  My second thought is that it seems like it's attention seeking behavior and that he may need more one on one time with you and the reinforcement that you still love him, etc.

My kids aren't as old as yours, but when DD2 was a baby DD1 definitely developed some aggressive behaviors.  I tried to actually pull her in closer to me during those times (as opposed to time-outs, etc.) and tell her that I see that she must be feeling sad, mad, frustrated, etc. to act that way.  I would just hold her and tell her that I loved her and that I understand. 

Even if she continued with whatever behavior I was just there for her to reassure her that I love her.

Within a few months the behavior was gone, but was markedly better after a week or so with being consistent in my approach.

My DD was only 2 at the time, so I don't know if that would work with a 4 yr. old, but it's worth a shot if you haven't tried that yet.

I would also talk to her after the incident when everyone was calm about why that behavior was wrong.  I did a lot of empathizing with her.

I hope something helped that I said 'cause I know how hard it is with a baby and an out of control older one.

Good luck!

[Alyantavid]

I would assume that the fact that he has a fairly new sibling and the fact that he's aiming all this at you is showing that he's not dealing with the new baby yet.

4 is hard.  And with a new baby, even more so (my boys have the same age gap).  The one thing I'd suggest is having a date with him.  I did this alot with my older son after his brother arrived.  I made sure that my older one got attention first sometimes, that it wasn't always the baby crying that made me jump up.  And if you are going to punish, for a 4 year old, it needs to somehow fit the crime.  I wouldn't take away a toy for hitting.  For the running away, make him a deal that he can either stick with you and hold your hand or you'll have to carry him (or whatever choices you're comfortable with).

One thing that works wonders on my youngest, who is also 4, is talking.  When we lay down at night to go to sleep, he completely spills everything.  Anything that has upset him, made him happy, anything that's happened in the last week.  Once I get him started talking, everything comes out and I can figure out what's going on with him.  I've also found with both of my kids, that my reactions feed them.  If I'm stressed or anxious or nervous, it just amps them up. 

Good luck!

[MisaGoat]

Thanks for the suggestions. Sometimes when I get caught up in the situation it is hard to think of solutions, even though I might be able to think of them at another time. 

I took my son out for ice cream on Saturday night and left the baby home with my husband. It was really nice and I forgot how much easier it is to go somewhere with just one child. I played Candyland with him on Sunday and we practicing batting off the t in the backyard when the baby was sleeping. By Sunday night I was pretty worn out and was too. (my husband works Wednesday-Sunday so Sunday is the end of his work week). 

We've also tightening up some things we've let slip, like junk foods and certain television shows.

As far as consequences for certain things, I totally agree that I shouldn't take his toy away for something unrelated to the use of the toy. I was frustrated and trying to get his attention.