Do you think this woman was being uptight? - Page 2

[Wild Lupine]

Well, I've read most of the responses and have a bit of a different take. First I am so sorry about what happened with the POD. How horrible.

My 4 1/2 year old gets scared very, very easily. Hearing your story would have given her nightmares for weeks. If I were in the other mother's position I, too, would have preferred my children, especially my older one, not hear what happened. If I could have I'd have taken them somewhere else, but if they were right in the middle of their meal and it would have been tough to interrupt that, it'd be a very uncomfortable  situation, to say the least.

Having said that, I don't think it's OK that she asked you to stop talking and then went on about how her kids don't watch the news. That does seem rude, but maybe she had no idea how to handle the situation. How would it have felt if she been incredibly apologetic, explained that he children get upset easily, and asked you to hold off a few minutes until they could go somewhere else?

[leighi123]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl 

1.  Jane was totally out of line.  If she has issues with her kids hearing stuff that happens to real people in real life then she needs to be the one to leave the table.  Not that her kids were probably listening to your boring 'ol grownup talk anyway.  The fact that she made your tragedy all about her is disturbing on a number of levels (and the PODS thing really really sucks!  Wow!).

2.  Again I am pretty sure that kids that young are not going to be listening or caring to adult chatter, and if they were they are going to have no idea what to make of it.  What sucks about this for Jane's family is that her kids are apparently not going to get any clarification at home for what they do pick up so they are going to have to come to their own conclusions.  And that can be scary for a kid...scarier than being in the know in the first place I think.

3.  I keep the radio on NPR all day.  Eventually (I hope) my kid is going to wonder why some stuff makes me mad and some stuff makes me sad.  I am more than happy to tell him, because I don't think you do a service to kids by keeping them in the dark about the way the world works.  I will probably be more reticent when it comes to bad things happening specifically to kids, because I don't want my kid to empathize too closely when he is too young to effectively deal with the fear that will bring.

My kid listens to EVERYTHING adults say (and he has ever sense he was very young before he could talk, we would be discussing something and he would go get an object related to the conversation showing he knew what we were talking about!).   He has been in situations where he is running around playing drums and playing with friends while adults were having a conversation, and then several hours later recall all of the details of the conversation (he did this once explaining to my mom excatly how to test a smoke detector, even getting a broom out of the garage to do it with and telling her how to use the 'test button to see if the battery is working',   The origonal conversation about testing detectors took place that morning without my mom there and we hadn't talked about it sense)

So some kids do listen to what is said, and will repeat it later.   If my ds heard about a robbery, he would probably be either scared something would happen, or explaining how he would fight off a bad guy.   If he heard about dirty needles and that whole thing, he would be sitting there asking all kinds of questions.   

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Wild Lupine 

Well, I've read most of the responses and have a bit of a different take. First I am so sorry about what happened with the POD. How horrible.

My 4 1/2 year old gets scared very, very easily. Hearing your story would have given her nightmares for weeks. If I were in the other mother's position I, too, would have preferred my children, especially my older one, not hear what happened. If I could have I'd have taken them somewhere else, but if they were right in the middle of their meal and it would have been tough to interrupt that, it'd be a very uncomfortable  situation, to say the least.

Having said that, I don't think it's OK that she asked you to stop talking and then went on about how her kids don't watch the news. That does seem rude, but maybe she had no idea how to handle the situation. How would it have felt if she been incredibly apologetic, explained that he children get upset easily, and asked you to hold off a few minutes until they could go somewhere else?

See, what Jane said makes me want to be snarky and mean "well isn't that just lovely buttercup fairy dust for you. Hurry up and eat so I can tell the story to the normal people."

But your version makes me want to be very understanding and double check with you before I tell stories where someone gets slightly cross or a tiny bit sad in front of your kids. So I don't know about the OP, but for me it would've made a huge difference.
 

[nextcommercial]

Jane needs to remove her kids from adult conversation if it makes her uncomfortable.

My ex's sister in law was like this.  If ANYONE said anything negative... even "I hate the weeds in my yard", she'd have a fit.  She'd say in a sing-songy voice "You mean, you don't CARE for weeds... is that what you are trying to say?"... I actually wanted to scratch her face and tell her how much I hated that voice, but I figured she'd correct me again.

[MamaofLiam]

Originally Posted by Wild Lupine 

Well, I've read most of the responses and have a bit of a different take. First I am so sorry about what happened with the POD. How horrible.

My 4 1/2 year old gets scared very, very easily. Hearing your story would have given her nightmares for weeks. If I were in the other mother's position I, too, would have preferred my children, especially my older one, not hear what happened. If I could have I'd have taken them somewhere else, but if they were right in the middle of their meal and it would have been tough to interrupt that, it'd be a very uncomfortable  situation, to say the least.

Having said that, I don't think it's OK that she asked you to stop talking and then went on about how her kids don't watch the news. That does seem rude, but maybe she had no idea how to handle the situation. How would it have felt if she been incredibly apologetic, explained that he children get upset easily, and asked you to hold off a few minutes until they could go somewhere else?

Yes, like Sapphire Chan said, a response like the one you gave above would have made a huge difference in how I felt. It would be easier for me to understand her position, while at the same time I would have felt like she acknowledged that something bad happened to us and my need to vent with the other adults (who asked me about it). The way she actually responded seemed to make it all about her (like a pp said). At no point during the rest of the evening did she even say "gee, i'm sorry that happened" or "wow, that really sucks". She didn't say anything else to me or dh about it, other than asking me not to talk about it in front of her kids at the table like I described.

I don't think she knew how to handle the situation - the look on her face was like I had just done an unspeakable act or something, like I had killed her cat/dog. I don't really know how to describe it, but it really was disturbing. I hope I don't have another encounter with her like this again. I feel like I really have to watch what I do / say around her. I don't like confrontation if I can avoid it. 
 

[MamaofLiam]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial 

Jane needs to remove her kids from adult conversation if it makes her uncomfortable.

My ex's sister in law was like this.  If ANYONE said anything negative... even "I hate the weeds in my yard", she'd have a fit.  She'd say in a sing-songy voice "You mean, you don't CARE for weeds... is that what you are trying to say?"... I actually wanted to scratch her face and tell her how much I hated that voice, but I figured she'd correct me again.

 OMG! Sorry, I found that example really funny. I can just see it. I hope you didn't have to be around her too much. 

[Lisa1970]

She was being uptight, but it does not matter. She is the mom. It bothered her. Since she was so upset, I would guess there might be a deeper issue where she personally cannot handle negative things. But, I would honor her request. Her husband can do what he wants. But I would likely not bring anything up around the kids, even if Jane is gone and the dad is there. In return, hopefully, she will respect your limits with your children.

[JudiAU]

She may have been able to handle it better, if it was an appropriate time to move away from the table or do something else. But if it wasn't I think it is reasonable to request child-friendly conversation at a family table with children present. Assuming it wasn't a good time to move away, I think it was fine to gently ask you to change the subject. Hard to know what is in her 5 year olds mind now, especially with another parent who is not careful with language. If the child already has fear issues it could be really negative talk to be hearing from an adult.

I am imagine that you were really upset and talking about it an way that would be upsetting to some/many/my kids. I wouldn't personally want my kid to be listening to an in depth recap of the break in, your violation, the loss of your special things, how your trust was abused, how sad you are now, etc.

And I am sorry to hear about your loss and ti must have been very upsetting. But assuming it was fresh in your mind and discussed at length, maybe not the thing for small kids to hear.

I listen to NPR pretty frequently and I finding myself needing to turn down the volume more and more as DS goes from 3 to 4.

[Snapdragon]

I think if her husband was describing gory details of things in front of the kids, and this is something she has issues with, then it is probably a very sensative issue for her already. So she was probably already feeling stressed maybe because she wants to protect her kids from the harsh realities of life while she can, while her husband feels it is okay to talk about in front of them- so perhaps he is not respecting her feelings about this, and it seems like she feels overwhelmed maybe- so from reading the post my response was to feel kind of sorry for her- like she is trying to protect her kids but isn't quite sure how to. So I don't think what you were saying was inappropriate in front of the kids, but to someone who is already stressed out about her kids hearing negative things, and whose husband is not on the same page, I can see why it triggered her. Being stressed out and trying to care for kids can make people unable to always act appropriately!

[beenmum]

I think she had every right to intervene if she felt it was inappropriate for her children.

Its possible that maybe she had had a similair event, or that one of her children (the 5 year old) maybe had a history of having bad dreams about stuff like this.

I will totally intervene if the topic is one that I know my DD will obsess over. Maybe she felt the same way. Maybe her son had had something stolen from himm and the idea still upsets him.

Also, Jane isnt responsible for her husbands behaviour. He is. So I dont feel that that incident should be used to make her stance seem unreasonable.

There are few things I will tell my kids about how badly adults behave. Unless it affects their safety, they just dont need to take on adult issues at this time.

[kythe]

I honestly don't see it as a big deal either way, but then, I grew up with people like this.  If someone said something like that to me, I can see myself respecting their wishes to not expose their kids to certain topics, then move on.  I doubt I would think enough about it to even bring it up on a message board.  People have different priorities with parenting, but this is hardly an issue that involves abuse or anything controversial, so I don't see any reason not to respect her wishes.

[Alyantavid]

My kids don't watch the news either but they do know about life in general.  Things happen and we don't shield our kids from everything.  I don't think a burglary is something I'd avoid letting my kids hear about.

So yeah, I do think she was uptight.  I also think her dh is nuts for talking about heroin in front of them though.  I'm sure they didn't understand alot of it but that's just weird. 

[lkvosu]

I can see how that topic would have been inappropriate for small children, depending on the children. I think I might have even thought twice about discussing it with the little ones present, but that might be because I myself was a sensitive child. Hearing that story would have scared me A LOT. Even as an adult I still get nightmares from disturbing images and the like.  You know what they say - it takes a village to raise kids - but I guess the problem is that everyone has different expectations for what "the village" is responsible for. In her case, she felt the burden was on everyone else to keep the conversation "kid safe", but everyone else, or at least you, felt the burden was on her to remove her kids from "unsafe" conversation. I can see it both ways honestly.

But, it seems the real issue for you was that she took away your moment of sharing this upsetting incident with your loved ones. I can totally see how you would be offended by that, especially since she didn't come up later and say something like "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was scared my kids would be upset by your story but I hope I didn't offend you..."

I think in the future I would respect her wishes because maybe she's right and her kids would be really upset by it. I know plenty of family members who think I'm a weird or uptight parent because of my views on food, plastic, etc. I hope they respect my wishes nonetheless. However, it sounds like she's a bit obnoxious anyway so I would probably avoid her when possible to keep another incident from happening. Also, you could always talk to her about. Maybe she feels guilty about what happened but doesn't have the courage/skills to talk to you about it. Who knows until you ask!

[reezley]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

In the future, I'd say "Jane, you're going to want to make sure your kids stay away from this room for about 20 minutes, I've got some news."

In the moment, in an ideal world, after my stunned amazement, I like to imagine I could've had the presence of mind to say "that's okay, I'll finish telling everyone else the story when you've finished up and gone somewhere else."

See, I find this wording (in the second sentence) unncessarily passive-aggressive.  I do see where Jane is coming from, not wanting a 5yo to hear about a burglary and see lots of adults fretfully going on about it all.  That would probably worry my 4 and 6 year olds, get them thinking too much about robbers, etc.  Yes, she could have found a more polite way to ask you to hold off on the conversation.  But I think a direct answer to her of "Yikes, I didn't realize they might be so affected by it.... do you want to take them away from the table when you get a chance for a few minutes so I can finish talking about it with the others?".  Instead of "OK, when you're gone (hint hint) I'll talk about it".
 

[MamaofLiam]

Originally Posted by kythe 

I honestly don't see it as a big deal either way, but then, I grew up with people like this.  If someone said something like that to me, I can see myself respecting their wishes to not expose their kids to certain topics, then move on.  I doubt I would think enough about it to even bring it up on a message board.  People have different priorities with parenting, but this is hardly an issue that involves abuse or anything controversial, so I don't see any reason not to respect her wishes.

Well I guess that's why you're you and I'm me b/c I did post about it on a message board. I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to make the remark that you wouldn't post about it when you're taking the time to read and reply back with a post. Was your point to make a jab at me? or I don't know, something else?   I did respect her wishes and moved on, but was taken aback. 

Originally Posted by lkvosu 

I can see how that topic would have been inappropriate for small children, depending on the children. I think I might have even thought twice about discussing it with the little ones present, but that might be because I myself was a sensitive child. Hearing that story would have scared me A LOT. Even as an adult I still get nightmares from disturbing images and the like.  You know what they say - it takes a village to raise kids - but I guess the problem is that everyone has different expectations for what "the village" is responsible for. In her case, she felt the burden was on everyone else to keep the conversation "kid safe", but everyone else, or at least you, felt the burden was on her to remove her kids from "unsafe" conversation. I can see it both ways honestly.

But, it seems the real issue for you was that she took away your moment of sharing this upsetting incident with your loved ones. I can totally see how you would be offended by that, especially since she didn't come up later and say something like "I'm so sorry that happened to you. I was scared my kids would be upset by your story but I hope I didn't offend you..."

I think in the future I would respect her wishes because maybe she's right and her kids would be really upset by it. I know plenty of family members who think I'm a weird or uptight parent because of my views on food, plastic, etc. I hope they respect my wishes nonetheless. However, it sounds like she's a bit obnoxious anyway so I would probably avoid her when possible to keep another incident from happening. Also, you could always talk to her about. Maybe she feels guilty about what happened but doesn't have the courage/skills to talk to you about it. Who knows until you ask!

Yes to all the bolded. More than anything I wished she would have said something to me later, like what you wrote above. This was just one incident with her and is generally reflective of a pattern of behavior I've noticed with over time. Like for instance, my DH and I have always gone to her children's b-day parties when we are in town. No big deal, right. Well she did not come to our baby shower, nor to our son's first birthday. Her children attended, as well as her DH - but not her. No explanation was given as to why she wasn't there. I found that strange, however, this isn't particular to us either. She does not go to family events hardly ever. Her husband and children do go though. 

Getting burglarized really sucked, and I'm the type of person who externalizes to process stuff. This was a family event, and I do want to point out that I was not the one who brought it up. Others were asking us about it. 

Anyways, I was just curious to see what others thought about it and can see from the responses that some felt like me and others differently. From some of your responses I can see how if you had a sensitive child you might have an issue with what I was discussing. I totally get respecting how other people wish to raise their kids - I want people to respect my wishes too. Well, I'm starting to ramble now... we've been moving the past 24 hrs and DS kept us up almost ALL night. So i'm operating on fumes right now. I'm off to get some zzz's.

[kythe]

Originally Posted by MamaofLiam 

Well I guess that's why you're you and I'm me b/c I did post about it on a message board. I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to make the remark that you wouldn't post about it when you're taking the time to read and reply back with a post. Was your point to make a jab at me? or I don't know, something else?   I did respect her wishes and moved on, but was taken aback. 

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend.  I guess this is one of those issues I would have never thought controversial, yet there have been some strong responses here.  It makes me wonder what else I think of as "normal" that other people find unusual or look down on.

[MamaofLiam]

Originally Posted by kythe 

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend.  I guess this is one of those issues I would have never thought controversial, yet there have been some strong responses here.  It makes me wonder what else I think of as "normal" that other people find unusual or look down on.

 Thanks for clarifying, I appreciate it. I get what you're saying now. 
 

[purslaine]

Originally Posted by JudiAU 

She may have been able to handle it better, if it was an appropriate time to move away from the table or do something else. But if it wasn't I think it is reasonable to request child-friendly conversation at a family table with children present. Assuming it wasn't a good time to move away, I think it was fine to gently ask you to change the subject. Hard to know what is in her 5 year olds mind now, especially with another parent who is not careful with language. If the child already has fear issues it could be really negative talk to be hearing from an adult.

This.

My FIL used to discuss murder/death/mayhem in front of my children and it drove me bonkers.  I was always leaving the room. For the most part I think adults should be mindful of children when talking.   I think it is a little sad (and not child friendly) that is always the mom and kids that get to leave the room, particularly when they are invited guests.  Show some common sense - during dinner or kid oriented activities, keep the horror talk to a minimum.  

Robbery of a storage unit is a gray zone - many kids would be fine with it.  I can see someone engaging in conversation on robbery in front of kids - without realising it could be upsetting.  I do not think the Op did anything wrong in engaging is such a conversation.  Likewise, though, I do not think it is wrong for a mom to decide the conversation is a bit too much and ask that it be held until little Johnny will be out of the room.  I wouldn't hurry Johnny through dinner, but I would try and make sure he was occupied with something in another area at some point so adults could have a chance to talk freely.

Sorry about your POD.   

Edited by purslaine - 5/19/11 at 7:41am