My experience with attachment parenting. Not a debate on how I word things. UGH! - Page 3

[Linda on the move]

As far as the proof is in the pudding, I think it's a lame reason to pick up a crying baby -- because you hope the child will eventually be perfect and prove you right.

I picked up my crying babies because I felt it was the right thing to do.

One of my kids has special needs, and is sometimes "the weird kid."  Extended family have even questioned if our parenting choices CAUSED her special needs (she has autism). My other child is sometimes wonderful and impressive, and sometimes moody and difficult. She's a 13 year old girl, and pretty normal. APing and GD and extending BFing and all the rest of it didn't stop puberty or make mood swings easy to live with.

Overall, my kids are fabulous and people who know them well think I've done a good job. To strangers, sometimes I look like a great mom and sometimes I don't. If you have people in your family waiting for your child to act like a brat so that they will know that you were wrong in your parenting, there's a really good chance that at some point your child will live up to that. Most kids do, at least for a few minutes when they are tired.

It is a completely unreasonable expectation to put on a child to be perfect so that other people will know that you are OK as a mother. That's just too much pressure.

And APing doesn't come with a money back guarantee. Your child is still a human, and as such, will most likely do things that drive you bonkers or embarrass you from time to time.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by physmom 

So we have long endured comments about how extended nursing was causing her behavior, how cosleeping was making her dependent on us, how she was so demanding because we responded to her needs too quickly.  My parents always mean well and I know they saw her behavior and wanted to "fix" her so I just did the smile and nod approach.  I can't really say what caused her behavior initially but I know for sure not doing the AP stuff didn't help either!  Trust me we've tried just about everything out there it feels like some days.  So I guess we're not very good proof right here*. 

I don't think it's really about "cause". Kids are just all different.

DS1 loved AP (didn't know the term back then, but was mostly AP), but I think he'd have been okay without it, too, yk? He's just always been very even-keeled, self-confident and resilient.

DD1 was, as someone said above, the "anti-AP" child. She wanted and needed to be left alone to fall asleep, for instance, although she'd sometimes doze off on dh's chest. Breastfeeding was insane - I've never seen an infant nurse the way dd1 did, and it almost drove me nuts. Physical contact had to be on her terms only. She really only liked being worn if we were out hiking, and would sometimes tolerate it in other place. She was just born that way.

DS2 was the easiest, happiest, most content baby I've ever seen. My mantra for about his first year or year and a half was "this is cheating - I barely feel as if I"m parenting". He nursed well, slept a lot, and could happily sit in the Ergo for hours while I did chores, played with dd1 or whatever. He'd only start to fuss when he wanted to eat again, and then I could pop him right back in the Ergo. He wanted to snuggle and cuddle and be close to me all the time, but if hie had that, he was good. (OTOH, since about 18 months, he's been a major handful, and I"m having him assessed - suspect he's on the autism spectrum or "just" has sensory issues. He's really, really hard to parent, and has triggered more of my personal bad parenting moments than my other kids combined.

And, dd2...she's almost two, and is nursing more than any of my others were at a year. Moving her out of our bed hasn't gone very smoothly (I have to, because I'm not sleeping well or enough, and the muscle aches and tension have become almost crippling). She's the most "mama-centric" (dh's term) child I've ever met.

They were all just born with these different temperaments, yk? I didn't "cause" them (unless it was something prenatal?). This is just who they are. And, it sounds to me as though your dd was/is one of those kids who really needed an AP approach.

[Katie T]

I agree with thick skin. I didn't read but the first 2 threads on here but lately I have had a friend tell me that I am smothering my kids (I am not I am just listening to them and not just letting them bawl and raise themselves). It has been a continuing conversation about it the last couple weeks. I don't know what got her started but she was telling me what her DH thought of my parenting today and I simply said that he doesn't even "get" attachment parenting so can't comment. I usually just ignore but when they are your best friend it is hard.

I too don't agree with how others raise their kids but hold my tough because it is not my business. I wish they would show the same respect and do the same. 

[lemonapple]

Interesting thread. 

I just have to add that I find the most criticism and judgement in AP parents. Not that I don't find mainstream parents to be questioning of my parenting decisions, it's just that they're way less vocal, superior-acting, extremist, about where we differ on the parenting sphere. I find that mainstream parents are WAY more open-minded to some AP ideas than most people give them credit. Yes, the friendly mom I spoke to at the park about cosleeping might just go home and continue practicing CIO with her baby, but she listened to my ideas/philosophies on the subject and she MIGHT make some small adjustment in her own parenting that we'd hardly notice. Or maybe she'll make no difference, but it's rare that I'll get such a sense of judgement as I might get from an AP parent about, say, stroller usage.

I personally think it's ridiculous to ride in the back seat of your car with your child because the child doesn't like the car. And, I've been judged on THAT particular issue by AP mothers too many times to count. I haven't had a car for a year and a half, but whenever we owned one, I sometimes had to let ds cry in his carseat because I did not have the luxury of having someone chauffer me about. That doesn't make me less of a parent...it's just a reality for my family, HOWEVER, it's come up as criticism and judgement among AP mothers more times than would seem reasonable! (just to pick a particular thing of judgement)

I think that if we want gentle parenting practices to become mainstream, then you absolutely MUST let go of the extremism. It can never become a parenting style that welcomes everyone if we only approve of mothers who stay at home with their children, use cloth diapers, hate strollers, never use CIO, cosleep, BF, practice child-led weaning, ride in the back of cars with their children, and never ever allow their children to cry (to name a FEW of the things it seems you must do to gain respect among AP folks). 

And, to give a bit of info about myself, I absolutely DO follow most of the extremist ideas found in AP, we also don't discipline, or restrict food choice in any way, we don't have rules, we don't have bedtimes, or schedules, or naptimes, or much at all in the way of parental authoritarianism. And, still, I find there is more acceptance of these ideas among those labeled 'mainstream'. 

[Tonia Starr]

Ya know.....people STILL to this day have comments to make about my parenting style. And I have been doing it this way for a DECADE now. My ten yr old is a super independent, high honor roll, think-for-himself child. Obviously the breastfeeding and co-sleeping didnt warp him. lol I think it seems that the more kids you have, the HARDER AP appears to those who do not practice it. From the outside it looks like its sooooomuch work to do such thing as beasfeed on demand or wear a baby.....but I have babysat for babies who were formula fed and boy can I tell ya, IMO....AP makes life somuch easier!  My boys are all well rounded, well mannered, balanced children. You would think that wod speak for itself. But some people need to have something to criticise I guess. I otice often the person critiquing my parentinstyle seems to feel threwatened, as if my sole purpose in life is to mak her/him feel like a bad parent in comparison...... I dunno. I just live my life on heart instinct.

[peainthepod]

I don't really give the time of day to people who want to critique my parenting. I'm doing what I'm doing for good reasons, and it's not open for debate or discussion so why let them feel like they get a say? I guess I'd rather be happily oblivious to the judgy stares and snide comments than feel defensive all the time. People who make comments usually get a chipper, "This is what works for us! Isn't it amazing how well they're turning out? We couldn't be prouder of them" with a huge smile. It's harder for someone to criticize your mothering if your kids are happy and healthy and you seem utterly confident in your choices.

Taking people's comments at face value, instead of letting their sarcasm affect you as they intended, works well too. I'm kind of mischievous though and I enjoy making rude people feel flustered (because rude people deserve to be flustered IMO).

 "Your baby is seven months and still nursing? I don't know why you martyr yourself. Give her baby food already!"

: "I know, isn't it great? I'm so glad she's still getting all those antibodies in my milk. She's not interested in solids yet which is fine with me--I find nursing so much more convenient anyway."

: ...

Once you decide to stop noticing what other people think about your parenting, you'll feel a lot less judged. And it makes you less judgmental in the long run, because you realize that their choices don't affect you.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

Originally Posted by lemonapple 

Interesting thread. 

I just have to add that I find the most criticism and judgement in AP parents. Not that I don't find mainstream parents to be questioning of my parenting decisions, it's just that they're way less vocal, superior-acting, extremist, about where we differ on the parenting sphere. I find that mainstream parents are WAY more open-minded to some AP ideas than most people give them credit. Yes, the friendly mom I spoke to at the park about cosleeping might just go home and continue practicing CIO with her baby, but she listened to my ideas/philosophies on the subject and she MIGHT make some small adjustment in her own parenting that we'd hardly notice. Or maybe she'll make no difference, but it's rare that I'll get such a sense of judgement as I might get from an AP parent about, say, stroller usage.

I personally think it's ridiculous to ride in the back seat of your car with your child because the child doesn't like the car. And, I've been judged on THAT particular issue by AP mothers too many times to count. I haven't had a car for a year and a half, but whenever we owned one, I sometimes had to let ds cry in his carseat because I did not have the luxury of having someone chauffer me about. That doesn't make me less of a parent...it's just a reality for my family, HOWEVER, it's come up as criticism and judgement among AP mothers more times than would seem reasonable! (just to pick a particular thing of judgement)

I think that if we want gentle parenting practices to become mainstream, then you absolutely MUST let go of the extremism. It can never become a parenting style that welcomes everyone if we only approve of mothers who stay at home with their children, use cloth diapers, hate strollers, never use CIO, cosleep, BF, practice child-led weaning, ride in the back of cars with their children, and never ever allow their children to cry (to name a FEW of the things it seems you must do to gain respect among AP folks). 

And, to give a bit of info about myself, I absolutely DO follow most of the extremist ideas found in AP, we also don't discipline, or restrict food choice in any way, we don't have rules, we don't have bedtimes, or schedules, or naptimes, or much at all in the way of parental authoritarianism. And, still, I find there is more acceptance of these ideas among those labeled 'mainstream'. 

If "Attachment Parenting" style of parenting is not a checklist, then *what* makes someone "AP"? 

Tale of 2 hypothetical children:  Baby A--loves to be held, content in the sling for hours.  Sleeps snuggled with mommy.  Breastfeeding is easy and mom stays home.  She has the support of her (well-paid) husband.  Everything natural and organic.  Cloth diapered.

Baby B--prefers to explore or would rather be in the swing.  Protests at the idea of co-sleeping--"put me in my crib", baby would say if she could speak.  When in the crib, she will fuss a minute or two then goes to sleep.  Mom had issues or poor support in the beginning--or daddy said that he'd help with night feedings--so baby is on formula.  Mommy or whoever is giving the bottle snuggles her and makes it a special time.  Due to financial issues or whatever, mom works.  They cannot afford everything natural and organic.  Use disposable diapers because they could not afford the initial layout for cloth.

If Baby B was parented like Baby A...Baby B would be impossible, and vice versa.  Both babies are getting their (differing) needs met...but a "hardcore AP" mom would probably deride Baby B's mom as "mainstream".  Can Baby B's mom consider herself AP?

[beenmum]

I find that I am more judged by other AP mums then I am by mainstream mums. Mainstream mums dont tend to think much of how I parent my kids. They may think ex breastfeeding or CDing is odd.

But some AP mums....wow. I am never going to be crunchy enough. "Oh you homeschool? How nice. We unschool. Its proven to be so much better for kids development. I just thew all those nasty textbooks out."

(Real convo).

[APToddlerMama]

I haven't read through all the threads, but I do remember feeling this way OP when my son was a baby much more than I do now.  I think part of it is that I have more friends who aren't necessarily AP, but not totally mainstream, and the other part is I am definitely more comfortable with my choices and confident that I have made the right choices.  Also, I think people judge a little less when you have an older toddler/preschool age child than they do in the baby stage.  Personally, I think a lot of the judging that goes on is actually in response to the person's own lack of confidence in their own parenting style and/or guilt.  I think most parents who leave their baby to cry want to be told it is the right thing to do...because, it definitely is the *easy* thing to do.  They want to be supported in that, and when they see someone doing something differently, I think it can be really threatening even if you're not judging them or saying anything negative to them about their choices.  That is my opinion, in hindsight, at least.  Also, my son is three now and everyone around who judged so harshly his first two years can see that he is confident, attached and independent, respectful, and kind.  A lot of my friends who didn't AP can't say the same.  Some of them have kids who are downright mean.  Not all.  But some.  It does get easier. 

[dauphinette]

Originally Posted by alittlesandy 

I think the thing that makes me sad about many AP parents is I often believe they enjoy being superior so much that they almost don't want AP to become mainstream. To win people over, you can't act superior. You have to begin by accepting that all parents love and care about their children, and that all babies are different.

You couldn't really mean that?  It seems like such a negative outlook towards "many" AP parents...
 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

 I think most parents who leave their baby to cry want to be told it is the right thing to do...because, it definitely is the *easy* thing to do.  

....  Also, my son is three now and everyone around who judged so harshly his first two years can see that he is confident, attached and independent, respectful, and kind.  A lot of my friends who didn't AP can't say the same. 

I don't think that crying it out is easy for most parents. I think caring for a baby is a lot of work, no matter what your philosophy. There really isn't an easy option. I suspect that many parents who cry it out do so because they feel it is the best thing to do.

I, personally, think that APing is easier than the alternative. For me, it was easier to *just nurse* my babies than complicate things by watching a clock, and keeping track of things like bottles and pacifiers. I found carrying my babies in a sling to be easier than lugging around tons of baby equipement.

And APing really, truly isn't a recipe to get your kid to turn out a certain way. Your next child could be very different than your first. One of my kids has special needs and as part of the has an anxiety disorder. She was never left to cry, to BF until she weaned herself, she's only known GD, but she came into this world wired to find it scarier than most people do.  When she was 3, people looked at her as an example of why AP is a bad idea. They felt that always being tended to had caused her to be the way she is. She was later dx'ed as being on the autism spectrum.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I don't think that crying it out is easy for most parents. I think caring for a baby is a lot of work, no matter what your philosophy. There really isn't an easy option. I suspect that many parents who cry it out do so because they feel it is the best thing to do.

I, personally, think that APing is easier than the alternative. For me, it was easier to *just nurse* my babies than complicate things by watching a clock, and keeping track of things like bottles and pacifiers. I found carrying my babies in a sling to be easier than lugging around tons of baby equipement.

And APing really, truly isn't a recipe to get your kid to turn out a certain way. Your next child could be very different than your first. One of my kids has special needs and as part of the has an anxiety disorder. She was never left to cry, to BF until she weaned herself, she's only known GD, but she came into this world wired to find it scarier than most people do.  When she was 3, people looked at her as an example of why AP is a bad idea. They felt that always being tended to had caused her to be the way she is. She was later dx'ed as being on the autism spectrum.

Are you kidding me?  All of my friends whose kids cried it out were sleeping through the night within a week.  Most of them did it by six months old.  On the other hand, most of my AP minded friends were totally sleep deprived into the second and third year.  I call a baby who sleeps "easy."  I also call sticking a bottle in a kid's mouth a lot easier than suffering through mastitis TEN times and struggling for a month to get a preemie to latch while pumping and trying to breastfeed around the clock. 

And, no AP isn't a recipe for a kid to turn out a certain way, BUT, kids who have parents who AP tend to have a lot more empathy and confidence than kids whose parents do not.  Meeting a child's needs isn't about a kid turning out a certain way, but it certainly is nice that it has its benefits.  I am no stranger to SN either.  My son actually was diagnosed with an ASD as well.  That diagnosis will very likely be lifted as soon as we go back to the developmental ped, but I "get" the differences in kids with SN too.  We have certainly had many struggles related to my son's SN, behaviorally, sensory, and otherwise.  And yes, when my son was two, he also seemed like a great example of why AP is a bad idea, though at three, it is a totally different story.   I see AP as being totally appropriate and helpful to all kids.  People who were foolish and thoughtless enough to think that APing your daughter was the reason for her special needs (or my son's) wouldn't be in my circle of friends. 

Having read through some of the other posts now, it seems like you're really up in arms over people being happy that AP produced a certain outcome.  I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being happy that APing does have wonderful benefits for parents and children and does shape and mold who they are, just as trauma, abuse, not having needs met, etc. shapes who a child becomes. 

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

Are you kidding me?  All of my friends whose kids cried it out were sleeping through the night within a week.  Most of them did it by six months old.  On the other hand, most of my AP minded friends were totally sleep deprived into the second and third year.  I call a baby who sleeps "easy."  I also call sticking a bottle in a kid's mouth a lot easier than suffering through mastitis TEN times and struggling for a month to get a preemie to latch while pumping and trying to breastfeed around the clock. 

And, no AP isn't a recipe for a kid to turn out a certain way, BUT, kids who have parents who AP tend to have a lot more empathy and confidence than kids whose parents do not.  Meeting a child's needs isn't about a kid turning out a certain way, but it certainly is nice that it has its benefits.  I am no stranger to SN either.  My son actually was diagnosed with an ASD as well.  That diagnosis will very likely be lifted as soon as we go back to the developmental ped, but I "get" the differences in kids with SN too.  We have certainly had many struggles related to my son's SN, behaviorally, sensory, and otherwise.  And yes, when my son was two, he also seemed like a great example of why AP is a bad idea, though at three, it is a totally different story.   I see AP as being totally appropriate and helpful to all kids.  People who were foolish and thoughtless enough to think that APing your daughter was the reason for her special needs (or my son's) wouldn't be in my circle of friends. 

Having read through some of the other posts now, it seems like you're really up in arms over people being happy that AP produced a certain outcome.  I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with being happy that APing does have wonderful benefits for parents and children and does shape and mold who they are, just as trauma, abuse, not having needs met, etc. shapes who a child becomes. 

Um my good friend finally tried CIO last month (with her 16mo) because she's got 3 kids, one with ASD and she was so sleep deprived she could hardly function.  He cried, every night, for 2.5 HOURS.  Eventually by the end of the week it was down to 15mins, then the following week began with 3 hours again and they gave up.  It is "easy" once it HAS worked with a baby it works for.  For most parents, they do it because they think it's the "right" thing, and they sit outside the baby's room sobbing as they listen to the crying.  No-one i know who CIO (and the majority of my mom friends did) found it easy.  Those for whom it worked quickly think it worthwhile, but not easy.  Even CIOd babies wake in the night, sometimes often.

I had to put DD1 on FF at 7 months old.  I can assure you getting up, holding a crying child while you take a bottle of sterile water from the fridge, add formula and then warm to the right temp at 3am is not easier than rolling over and offering a nipple.  My mastitis was over in 3 days (i never needed anti'b's luckily), my FFing went on for 5 months.  Yes, it was probably a lot harder for you to BF a preemie in the circumstances you describe, but it's not apples and apples is it?  It might have been easier that month to FF (if you weren't constantly worrying about the LO's health as FF preemie-moms often are) but overall you would still have had all the hard physical work of washing sterilising and preparing those bottles for a year, plus the additional costs.

I'm not saying AP is easier, just that CIO and FF are not necessarily easier either.  So much depends on the individual child and family.

PS - i have a very HN DD1 who did NOT respond "as promised" to AP and GD and a much mellower DD2 who, so far, really really does!  I am still AP/GD, but it sure isn't making my DD1 into one of those "GD poster child" kids i read so much about here at MDC! 
 

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 
Having read through some of the other posts now, it seems like you're really up in arms over people being happy that AP produced a certain outcome.
 

I'm not up in arms. I just disagree.

"I did X so my child is Y" is faulty logic. You could do X again with another child and that child could be Z. None of us determine what our children are like.

I'm in a different place with this that you. I have teenagers and I'm around other teenagers. While I still believe that BF, GD, etc., are ideal, I also see that humans come into the world with their own head and heart, and that they have many, many experiences we do not control that effect them. Often, they go through VERY difficult periods. Of course the best we can do is the best we can do, but to believe that we can determine what sort of human being another becomes is just our ego.

Both my kids are amazing people, but I let them take the credit for that. Although I made it through the AP checklist as a mother, there are many moments I would love to be able to do-over, decisions I made that I can now with hindsight see weren't the best. I haven't been the perfect mom.

And even though they are both amazing people, they've both gone through phases where they seemed kinda screwed up. Growing up is difficult. They aren't perfect.

And all of that is OK. 

It's also OK that other moms aren't perfect, even when their imperfections are different from my own. And it OK that other kids aren't perfect, even when their failings come in different areas than my kids'. Once I let go of outcomes and just did what felt right to me each day, ALL judgments dropped. It was like magic.

I think the natural outcome of "I did X so my child is Y" is judging others and ourselves. And it isn't true anyway.

[beenmum]

Linda, your DD sounds identical to mine.

I really like this quote:

 to believe that we can determine what sort of human being another becomes is just our ego.  

I breastfed, coslept and wore my oldest girl. She was the typical...back to sleep, cosleeper child. and she has ASD, anxiety and relates to the world in such a different mannar then anyone else.

My youngest girl, I coudlnt breastfeed, she coudlnt lay on her back, she coudlnt sleep in my bed, she couldnt be worn.

And she is the most well rounded, secure, loving, religious child I have ever met in my life. She lights up the world. And I did the exact opposite with her then my oldest girl.

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by GoBecGo 

I had to put DD1 on FF at 7 months old.  I can assure you getting up, holding a crying child while you take a bottle of sterile water from the fridge, add formula and then warm to the right temp at 3am is not easier than rolling over and offering a nipple.  My mastitis was over in 3 days (i never needed anti'b's luckily), my FFing went on for 5 months.  Yes, it was probably a lot harder for you to BF a preemie in the circumstances you describe, but it's not apples and apples is it?  It might have been easier that month to FF (if you weren't constantly worrying about the LO's health as FF preemie-moms often are) but overall you would still have had all the hard physical work of washing sterilising and preparing those bottles for a year, plus the additional costs.

I'm not saying AP is easier, just that CIO and FF are not necessarily easier either.  So much depends on the individual child and family.

ha. Said by someone who never needed antibiotics for mastitis, had it once, and didn't work around the clock to feed a preemie.  I've done short term foster care and have done the bottle in the middle of the night thing.  100000 times easier than what I went through with DS.  And sorry, if CIO is so hard for people, why do they do it?  Because, then they get to sleep. The "pay-off" makes their lives a lot easier.  I don't doubt that people are upset with their kids crying and that is "hard" for them in the moment, but it is also the easy way out. And most of their kids then sleep. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule.  FWIW, I don't think FF is un-AP anyhow.  Had I had to go to any greater lengths than I did with my son to actually BF him, I would have chosen formula and considered that the AP thing to do because it would be meeting my personal mental health needs and his need for a healthy mama.  If I have a second who is as challenging as he was, I am sure I will have to go that route as there will be no possible way to maintain stability for two kids while going through all that. 

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

to believe that we can determine what sort of human being another becomes is just our ego.

A) I think how you are framing that is snarky, condescending, and insulting and B).  I disagree with you.  No, we're not going to determine who are kids become.  If that were true, every kid in a family parented the same way way would turn out the same.  Nature vs. nurture debate. But, we do have a *huge* impact on who our children become based on how we treat them and how we parent them.  To deny that just seems silly. 

[GoBecGo]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

ha. Said by someone who never needed antibiotics for mastitis, had it once, and didn't work around the clock to feed a preemie.  I've done short term foster care and have done the bottle in the middle of the night thing.  100000 times easier than what I went through with DS.  And sorry, if CIO is so hard for people, why do they do it?  Because, then they get to sleep. The "pay-off" makes their lives a lot easier.  I don't doubt that people are upset with their kids crying and that is "hard" for them in the moment, but it is also the easy way out. And most of their kids then sleep. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule.  FWIW, I don't think FF is un-AP anyhow.  Had I had to go to any greater lengths than I did with my son to actually BF him, I would have chosen formula and considered that the AP thing to do because it would be meeting my personal mental health needs and his need for a healthy mama.  If I have a second who is as challenging as he was, I am sure I will have to go that route as there will be no possible way to maintain stability for two kids while going through all that. 

And i suppose the bolded is not intended to be snarky condescending or insulting?  I have had hard things happen to me.  They might not be the identical hard things that happened to you, but that doesn't invalidate my right to an opinion.  I'm sorry you believe CIO is the easy way out.  They do it because they believe it is the right thing to do for their child - you think getting up and breastfeeding was super hard with your preemie, but you did it because you thought it was the right thing to do (to you).  Just because actions vary in parenting it doesn't necessarily follow that motives do.  I vaccinate because i love my child, and i know a LOT of parents who don't vaccinate because they love their child.  I don't CIO because i love my child.  I know a lot of parents who do CIO because they love their child.

[mamazee]

I think we can make some difference as far as confidence and that kind of thing goes, but I don't think we have any control over personality, and a lot of things people try to control seem to me to be just plain personality traits.

I have two kids I did all the same things with, and I had them spaced far apart so I held the little one all the time and co-slept and all that just as with the older one, and they are so different it's amazing. The older one is a high needs kid and was an awful sleeper, and is just plain intense and tiring. The little one always slept well, always seems happy, and is just plain easy. Nothing I did made the older one more challenging or the younger one easy. They just are who they are. I hope they are both the most confident and happiest people their innate personalities allow them to be, though.

[moonfirefaery]

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

ha. Said by someone who never needed antibiotics for mastitis, had it once, and didn't work around the clock to feed a preemie.  I've done short term foster care and have done the bottle in the middle of the night thing.  100000 times easier than what I went through with DS.  And sorry, if CIO is so hard for people, why do they do it?  Because, then they get to sleep. The "pay-off" makes their lives a lot easier.  I don't doubt that people are upset with their kids crying and that is "hard" for them in the moment, but it is also the easy way out. And most of their kids then sleep. Obviously there are exceptions to the rule.  FWIW, I don't think FF is un-AP anyhow.  Had I had to go to any greater lengths than I did with my son to actually BF him, I would have chosen formula and considered that the AP thing to do because it would be meeting my personal mental health needs and his need for a healthy mama.  If I have a second who is as challenging as he was, I am sure I will have to go that route as there will be no possible way to maintain stability for two kids while going through all that. 

So, FF would have been easier for you. However, the statement you were responding to was: "FF is not necessarily easier either". And you know what? It's not. That you had a difficult time BFing doesn't mean no FF parents have a difficult time; it doesn't mean FF is easier for everyone or is always easier. And I HAVE had to take antibiotics for mastitis, more than once. FF parents can run into issues where their babies don't like the nipples or are allergic to FF, or even where they simply cannot afford the formula. And maybe they chose to BF, but couldn't, and now they have to buy formula they can't afford or that their kid vomits up. As for the reasons people do CIO, maybe the alternatives were just as hard for them, maybe it's their last resort, maybe they're sleep deprived with dark circles and at the end of their rope, maybe their mom or pediatrician recommended it, maybe they think sleep training is necessary. But by no means is it easy; I don't know any parents who CIO and thought it was easy.