Unsupportive Family

[WildDoula]

My husband and I are TTC #1. We have been married for almost a year now (year in June). We are young, and in school, but we do work and etc.

Our family is VERY unsupportive of us TTC, and it's really taking a toll on me. They make jokes about me being pregnant and say things about how they aren't ready to be grandparents/great grandparents, we better not be pregnant, etc. My mom today said she didn't want us to have kids for a long while, if ever. Which is upsetting because I feel like I could really use my mom's support in this TTC period. 

I know they don't "really" mean what they say, but hearing it at every visit or gathering is getting old, and making our TTC journey harder.

Anyone else have a similar situation? How did you handle it, and how did they take the news of pregnancy?? Sorry if it got a little rant-y, I just needed to vent. 

[Adaline'sMama]

Unfortunately, most of the time, people do really mean it when they joke about them not thinking you should have kids. Does it mean they wont be excited once you are pg? No. Does it mean that they will keep those comments coming after you are pg? Probably not. Does it mean that they will forever say things to each other like , "well, she shouldnt have had a kid when she was still a kid" every time you have any problem for the next 3-5 years? Probably so.


If you and your DH are ready to have a kid, I would just explain to your mother that it isnt up for discussion and if she wants to be a part of it, she needs to get used to the idea that you are trying.

"Im not ready to be a grantparent yet."
Well, thankfully you will have 9 whole months to prepare.

"You better not be pg"
Oh, I hope I am! We tried the whole time I was ovulating!



I think you just need to stand your ground and let people know that this is what you want. Are your parents financially supporting you at all? If so, I could see their reasoning for not wanting you to get pregnant.

[Gator-mom]

My in-laws got a little like this last Fall when DH and I were trying for #2..Ds is 4 this year, and we were mostly trying just because we didn't want a huge gap.  DH and I are both in school..so a lot of the flack came from us being financially unstable.  I knew it would be rough, but i felt like we are determined adults and we could make it work.  I ended up writing my MIL a letter explaining in my own words why it was so important to me.  She seemed to come around, saying she wanted us to wait until Ds was 5 (which is when I graduate) but that she knew it was our decision.  It did make me uncomfortable though, so I just stopped talking to them about it, and frankly kind of pulled away a little.  Then, one day, we were at Khol's with my MIL buying some school clothes for Ds and she asked me if I wanted her to buy me some maternity pants, 'just in case'.  That told me she really was hoping I would get pg deep down because she does want another grandchild.  I didn't end up even getting pg, so it was sort of all for nothing.  They know we will be TTC again this Fall, but they are less up in arms about it now because I will be graduating next Spring.

Anyway, I'm sorry your family is being like this.  It is definitely frustrating when you feel like your parents still have a right to make your decisions for you even though you are an adult and married and obviously can make your own decisions! 

[SubliminalDarkness]

I'm sorry you're being met with such negativity. I think it's something you learn as parents.... to not tell people things if you don't think the response will be what you want to hear. Like names.... We didn't tell people what names we were thinking of naming our kids because we knew they'd offer their unkind opinions, so we kept it to ourselves. We NEVER told anyone when we were TTC#2, even though it took years and we had several losses, because I knew that people would say it was for the best that we'd lost the babies or that we shouldn't be having another anyway. I just didn't hear the negativity. 

[KempsMama]

Been there, done that.  While some people change their tune when you do get pg or give birth, some don't.  So prepare yourself for equally negative responses when you announce a pregnancy. 

[WildDoula]

Thank you all for your thoughts and experiences. It's hard, but I'm learning to brush it off some. 

[Jaimee]

Sorry for all the negativity!  I think sometimes parents say things b/c they worry and it comes out really wrong or inappropriately.  For example, I have had some rough pregnancies with lots of nausea and my first born is quite the handful behaviorally.  My dad expressed his concern for my well being when I announced pregnancy #3 by saying, "I guess congratulations are in order, but you're in for a rough ride unfortunately."  It did not make me feel good, but I also expected it and simply said, "well, there's nothing we can do about it now, so we might as well be excited!"   Another example is my SIL and BIL.  He was in school and she wanted to be a SAHM.  The whole family was hoping they might wait a little longer to ttc, but they went ahead and while it's been hard, they've made it work.  Now there is talk of baby #2 and again we all hope that they wait until he has a steady job.  I know some things have been said to them by her parents that she hasn't appreciated, but it's also out of concern for how they are going to survive, have health insurance, and be happy.

So while I certainly don't condone the negative comments, sometimes I think it helps to remember where they come from and be the bigger person- turn the comment around and bring out what the person is really trying to say.  Then you can explain how you plan to work at that particular problem/concern (if you feel so inclined).