How do you let go of trying to be in control?

[callieollie]

Some history: I have a ds who is 5 and a dd who is 3. Both were conceived easily the first month trying. Both easy pregnancies, no problems.  We started ttc #3 in January 2010. We got pregnant the second month trying but miscarried at 5 weeks. We then tried for the next 8 months with no luck. We finally got pregnant again the 9th month and then miscarried again at 9 weeks.  I had to have a D&C due to a suspected molar pregnancy (it turned out not to be) so I had to wait a bit before ttc again. We have been ttc for the last 2 months and no success yet.  

We've had several tests done. Dh had a SA done - it was fine. I had tons of hormone tests done and I do have low progesterone so I do take prometrium (I was on it for my 2nd miscarriage so that likely wasn't the cause of that).  I'm also taking baby aspirin, doing acupuncture, and taking chinese herbs.  We've used NFP for about 7 years so I know charting very well so our timing is pretty impeccable and I have lots of EWCM and a clear thermal shift. Everything SHOULD be fine.  

But, I am having such a hard time understanding what is taking so long.  It has been almost a year and half and still no baby.  We got pregnant the first month with our first two so I don't understand what the problem is now. I wish I could look inside my body and see what is going on - is the egg Ok? Does the sperm get to the egg? Why doesn't it go in? I just don't understand why we wouldn't get pregnant if sperm is there when the egg is released.  

So I'm at the point where I have to accept that we're doing everything we can.  We're allowing for the opportunity for conception but that there must be more to it than just sperm meets egg, voila, you're pregnant!  I need to let go of this belief that I have any control over this because I don't.  I cannot make myself get pregnant or stay pregnant. I can make my body as healthy as possible, I can make sure that sperm is there when the egg is released, I can make sure that my hormones are where they need to be to sustain a pregnancy, but I cannot make it happen. And I don't know how to just ACCEPT that.  I need to find a way to do that because I am driving myself crazy trying to control something that I have no control over.  Does anyone have any ideas?  

[Sourire]

Well in my case letting go mostly came as a result of being really discouraged and not believing it was going to happen.... that led to me caring a lot less about TTC and taking a few months off charting and timing BD and all that. If I had had unexplained infertility, those few months might have resulted in a BFP.

However there is a known cause for my TTC issues and now that I am taking medication to remedy that issue, I am once again hopeful! As a result I have resumed being a control freak and tracking everything like crazy.

My advice probably isn't very helpful to you but what I am trying to say is that letting go seems to come more naturally with time.