"giving you kisses makes me puke"

[dauphinette]

So my daughter hasn't been wanting to give me kisses lately.  She is three and lately she has started wanting to control a kissing situation where instead of me giving her one she will want to to be the one giving me the kiss, usually on the forehead.

This morning I was already up when she got up and I was laying on the couch reading.  She came in  the living room and I perked up and said goodmorning and resched out my arms to her kinda like "get over here and give me hug" and she did the thing where she turns her head away when she is hugging me which is part of the new thing and then said "i'll give you a kiss" and went to kiss my arm. 

It has kinda been hurting my feelings that she doesnt want to kiss me lately so I asked her why she doesnt want mommy to give her kisses anymore and she said:

"giving you kisses makes me puke"

of course I have been crying and sobbing ever since like a total basketcase.

My husband got pretty mad at her and then I kinda stood up for her because if thats her opinion I didn't think she should get yelled at for telling truth.  I dont know what to do.

Now she is in trouble laying in the bedroom with out her blankie which is her most prized possession and I am in the living room.  I am never going to forget that she said this to me and I feel like this person that I LOVE so much, spend so much time caring for and doing things for is repulsed by me.

What would you do?

[lookatreestar]

i would respect her and give her space. not everyone is naturally a hug/kiss type of person. it drives me crazy when i see people asking for kisses over and over when a child clearly doesn't feel like it or has one of the personalities i mentioned above. don't take it personally?

[raksmama]

I agree to give her space and not make too much of an issue, but at the same time, keep your eyes open because if she always refuses light touch, she could have sensory issues(Sensory Processing Disorder).

I would not worry too much at this point however. Children at that age can go though funny stages. I remember at around that age my son would say he liked his daddy more than me. Fortunately it did not last long, however at the time even though I knew he loved me, it still really broke my heart.

[waiting2bemommy]

Yeah, don't take it personally. My SO gets very hurt because I don't like him to touch except in very specific ways. I guess maybe I have my own sensory issues or something, lol, but I can't stand touches that are too light, too ticklish, too heavy, etc. so its very hard for us to be affectionate because I'm constantly turning my head away from his kisses, moving away from him, moving his hand etc. But I love him dearly and I would hate to think that my dislike of being touched is  reflection of how I feel about him. My ds is a lot like me and he and SO had the same problemfor a looong time---SO would end up sending him to his room bvecause he felt so hurt and rejected that ds didn't want to hug or kiss us. I frankly don't care but I think that's because I am coming from the same place as ds, so I don't see it as a personal rejection.

Please don't punish or guilt your dd about this. You can end up inadvertently teaching her to accept touches she's not OK with, rather than hurting someone's feelings. And be secure in her love for you! No matter what they say and do, children love their parents unconditionally, and with fierce loyalty. All this little stuff she says that hurts now, won't even matter in 10 years.

[dauphinette]

Yeah, that's basically what my mom said, too.  At the time I didn't really react but my DH was pretty pissed because he thought she was being disrespectifu;l, which I do agree with,  it's a touchy subject because on the one hand I want to understand that she shouldn't say things that are hurtful but on the other hand I agree, I don't want her to feel like she can't be honest about not wanting kisses/hugs or whatever.  I just want her to convey those needs in a respectful way....

And I want to know why it hurt my feelings so bad.......I'm thinking maybe because I have my period?

[ssh]

of course I have been crying and sobbing ever since like a total basketcase.

My husband got pretty mad at her and then I kinda stood up for her because if thats her opinion I didn't think she should get yelled at for telling truth.  I dont know what to do.

Now she is in trouble laying in the bedroom with out her blankie which is her most prized possession and I am in the living room.  I am never going to forget that she said this to me and I feel like this person that I LOVE so much, spend so much time caring for and doing things for is repulsed by me.

What would you do?

Awww, how traumatic for her. As for what would I do, I go get her out of her room and apologize for not respecting her boundaries. Your DD is probably just sensitive to adult bad breath or maybe is figuring out the whole mouths have more germs idea. You shouldn't take the things LOs say personally because they don't have the higher level reasoning skills to understand tact or many of the other social niceties. You and your DH are adults and should be able to be respectful and loving to a small child even when she says something abit rude or unintentionally hurtful. My DD often says no kissing or your breath is stinky. With DH she thinks he's prickly because of his whiskers. She sometimes wants a kiss on the head or wants to kiss someone's hand or cheek. She's still affectionate she just finds adult smelly. It's really a bad idea to punish a small child for not showing physical affection to someone. That tells them that their body is not their own and they can't say no when they feel their boundaries are being crossed. And when your DD does say something like "I hate you" or "You're mean", it really means I'm angry at you right now and the correct reply is a calm smiling "Wow, You are angry, but I love you anyway".
 

[2lilsweetfoxes]

When you go to give her kisses in the morning, have you brushed your teeth?  I know that I cannot stand to get near anyone who has morning mouth.  (Love Physical Training in the morning:  guys just roll out of bed and go outside.  Seriously people:  deodorant and toothpaste.  Buy some.  Wake up 2 minutes earlier and USE it.)  Other people just aren't touchy-feely.  Some people are just grumps in the morning--the "don't bother me until I've had my coffee" types. 

But, I agree with PP, no one should be punished for not wanting to show affection or receive affection.  Not to start a debate, but the kids who feel that they cannot "reject" an affectionate overture (and yes, many of us are guilty of telling little Hubert and Bethany to kiss Aunt Bertha goodbye as she is leaving to go to the airport to go home after a visit..) are more likely to be groomed and become victims of sexual abuse.  When little Bethany becomes a teen and her boyfriend is getting a bit too fresh, and she really does not want to go that far, but he insists, will she feel that she can tell him to stop or will she feel that she does not have the right?

[GoBecGo]

Tough times.

It was a shock the first time my eldest said something like this to me.  Wait for a while though, now i have heard "i hate you so much i wish you'd DIE RIGHT NOW" and "i kicked the baby to make you cry" i don't feel so sensitive!

My DD complains about morning breath loudly and without any tact.  We have a rule in our house that anyone may decline/disengage from any physical contact they don't want (i survived SA, i am not about to trespass on my kids' boundaries or teach them that their physical body and access to it is a currency they have no control over for the sake of "politeness" or "respect").  But i do tell her that though it's ok to not want to kiss when i have morning breath, she is not permitted to wake me up at 5.30am by getting into MY bed then yelling that my breath is bad!  Lol.

You will forget that this little person you love so much and do so much for said this to you, and you will only remember that she felt so safe and loved by you she could tell you the complete truth and know you would still love her.  Please give her her blankie back, she has every right to refuse contact she doesn't want, and needs help to learn how to do so with tact to avoid hurting feelings.  The way you teach her to handle this might one day save her from rape, allow her to protect sensitive feelings of a loved one or save her marriage.  I have a MUCH harder time dealing with this stuff at certain times of my cycle, you're not alone.

[dauphinette]

Originally Posted by ssh 

Awww, how traumatic for her. As for what would I do, I go get her out of her room and apologize for not respecting her boundaries. Your DD is probably just sensitive to adult bad breath or maybe is figuring out the whole mouths have more germs idea. You shouldn't take the things LOs say personally because they don't have the higher level reasoning skills to understand tact or many of the other social niceties. You and your DH are adults and should be able to be respectful and loving to a small child even when she says something abit rude or unintentionally hurtful. My DD often says no kissing or your breath is stinky. With DH she thinks he's prickly because of his whiskers. She sometimes wants a kiss on the head or wants to kiss someone's hand or cheek. She's still affectionate she just finds adult smelly. It's really a bad idea to punish a small child for not showing physical affection to someone. That tells them that their body is not their own and they can't say no when they feel their boundaries are being crossed. And when your DD does say something like "I hate you" or "You're mean", it really means I'm angry at you right now and the correct reply is a calm smiling "Wow, You are angry, but I love you anyway".
 

I think you are just being rude, actually.

And I did respect her personal boundaries, I didn't make her kiss me, hug me or even talk to me about it.  My DH was the one who punished her and not for not wanting to kiss me but for her language which he felt was disresptectful. 
 

I don't come on MDC to be belittled, I come here for support and helpful advice.

Thanks for the other comments, I feel a lot better and will work on not taking to heart the mean/rude/innappropriate things my little one says, but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences if her father or I feel they are indicated.

And we did both go back and talk  to her about how it's ok for her to decline any sort of touch from us or anyone else, but that the way she words it needs to be appropriate to the situation which included letting her know that if someone won't take no for an answer, even if its a grandparent or a friend she can be firm and even yell, but that the first response needs to be "no thank you".  I feel comfortable with this.
 

[Annie Mac]

I think you did well to tell her she can decline physical affection when she wants to. And I understand the initial hurt feelings. We love our kids so much; rejection from them hurts more than rejection from anyone else. Having raised one child through to adulthood, I can tell you that the heartbreak of,say, a broken relationship is nothing compared to the heartbreak of a child willfully, but carelessly, doing & saying hurtful things. If she were my DD though, I'd be really curious about what the comment actually meant. I doubt she said it to hurt you. I think it would be interesting to learn more about the way she's processing things, physically and mentally. I'd ask her if she really means it makes her nauseated, and if so, what exactly about the kissing makes her feel that way. If she didn't really mean it makes her nauseated, then what does she mean, precisely. 

But that's just me :)

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by dauphinette 

I think you are just being rude, actually.

And I did respect her personal boundaries, I didn't make her kiss me, hug me or even talk to me about it.  My DH was the one who punished her and not for not wanting to kiss me but for her language which he felt was disresptectful. 
 

I don't come on MDC to be belittled, I come here for support and helpful advice.

Thanks for the other comments, I feel a lot better and will work on not taking to heart the mean/rude/innappropriate things my little one says, but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences if her father or I feel they are indicated.

And we did both go back and talk  to her about how it's ok for her to decline any sort of touch from us or anyone else, but that the way she words it needs to be appropriate to the situation which included letting her know that if someone won't take no for an answer, even if its a grandparent or a friend she can be firm and even yell, but that the first response needs to be "no thank you".  I feel comfortable with this.

I don't see that you were belittled there at all.  The post seemed blunt, to make a point.  And in the poster's defence you did not mention in your first post that you and your dh went back to your dd to talk to her.   I'm so glad you stood up for her and I really hope it's crystal clear to your 3 year old that she wasn't punished for not wanting to kiss/be kissed, but for her choice of words. 

And she's three.  It's a little unfair to expect that in response to a visceral, negative physical reaction she 1) put her strong physical response on hold long enough to 2) realize that rejecting a kiss might make her mom feel like she's rejecting her personally, and therefore 3) think up a kind way to tell Mom NO. 

So while of course you should provide consequences when you believe they are indicated -in my opinion you both over reacted, and you wronged your daughter.  Live and learn. You'll all recover.

It's possible that your dh punished her because you were so very upset, and not so much for being disrespectful. 

Waiting2bemommy, I completely identify with your experience.  That's how I am with my dh.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by dauphinette 

I think you are just being rude, actually.

And I did respect her personal boundaries, I didn't make her kiss me, hug me or even talk to me about it.  My DH was the one who punished her and not for not wanting to kiss me but for her language which he felt was disresptectful. 
 

I don't come on MDC to be belittled, I come here for support and helpful advice.

Thanks for the other comments, I feel a lot better and will work on not taking to heart the mean/rude/innappropriate things my little one says, but that doesn't mean there won't be consequences if her father or I feel they are indicated.

And we did both go back and talk  to her about how it's ok for her to decline any sort of touch from us or anyone else, but that the way she words it needs to be appropriate to the situation which included letting her know that if someone won't take no for an answer, even if its a grandparent or a friend she can be firm and even yell, but that the first response needs to be "no thank you".  I feel comfortable with this.
 

I wasn't trying to insult or belittle you. I felt sincere sympathy for your LO. She didn't kiss mommy, so mommy cries and sobs for awhile and daddy punishes her. That had to be traumatic and maybe scary. I was looking at it from your DD's point of view. Also from the point of view that I wouldn't want my DD treated that way. We have relatives on both sides of the family, one is bi-polar,  who do have overemotional reactions to things at times and do on occasion use emotional blackmail or have adult tantrums. We want DD to think that calm respectful behavior is the appropriate choice for adults. When we do get upset we explain why and reassure our DD that it's going to be ok.  Since we're teaching manners and appropriate behavior by modeling, we try to always correct rude behavior in a calm respectful way. Also I responded before your second post.

[swd12422]

My DS is 3, and he's been doing the same things. Avoiding hugs and kisses, being rude about it, basically not wanting affection from me. I think it might be one of those phases that doesn't make any sense at all -- they're dealing with separation and testing boundaries and needing to feel secure, and they do that by pushing us away. When he says something mean, I tell him it hurts my feelings and isn't a nice thing to say, but he doesn't seem to care. But at other moments he'll say, "I like you very very very much." So, while my feelings do get hurt, I try to take it all with a grain of salt. He doesn't like me in that moment any more than he did when he said whatever mean thing he said, and doesn't like me any less when he's saying whatever mean thing he's saying.

[syn_ack89]

It is totally developmentally appropriate for her to be doing those things. Google "preschooler I hate you" and there are a million articles about it.

I do think that your reaction was inappropriate - crying and sobbing ever since like a basket case? That seems over the top to me. I think that punishing her was the 100% wrong thing to do. I would suggest that you think about counseling if the words of a 3 year old are so devastating. The whole "I will never forget" statement you made was dramatic and focused on you and your needs.

And I am sure that you will reply to my reply feeling as if I have attacked you (just like you did to ssh - who mad good, valid points). It is not my intention to attack you, but when you post on the internet you may not always get the answer you want.

[oaktreemama]

I understand how hurt you must have been. I am in the camp of kids can certainly feel comfortable in refusing unwanted affection. I am not in the camp of simply accepting that rejection when it is couched in such a hurtful way.

YOU are as entitled to your feelings as your DD is and I don't like how your feelings appear to be dismissed as invalid because you are an adult. In our house everyone's feelings are valid and if our feelings are hurt by comments or actions we are allowed to say so. That doesn't mean we are allowed to wound the offender with our words. But it certainly means we can articulate our sadness.

Since you know now this is a big issue for you (and it would be for me too!!) I would think about how to act the next time. If you are preapred you can better redirect her words while still respecting her feelings.

[nextcommercial]

I feel like what she SAID  was mean and hateful.  She's three.  She knew it was a mean thing to say.  Usually at three they are saying "you aren't my friend" or "you can't come to my party".  Because that's the worst thing they can think of.  But, for some reason, she was able to step it up just a bit. (she sounds pretty smart)

I also feel like she has every right not to want to kiss anybody.  There's nothing at all wrong with not wanting to kiss you.  (just with the words she chose)

I ALSO feel like you overreacted.  Crying, bawling and being a basket case is an overreaction.  You are putting way too much power in the hands of a three year old, and that isn't fair to her.  She's not an adult. You are.  You discuss why saying "makes me puke" is never OK to say to anyone.  Then give her better words that aren't so hurtful.  But, lay off the guilt trip.

If she's in trouble for saying something so mean... fine.  I don't mind that.  But, It does bother me when parents are so fragile that their small child can send them into the bedroom to cry into their pillow just by saying something mean.    It's a long road with a kid who's going to say much worse things in the next 15 or so years.  

[Tjej]

I can see how it would hurt your feelings, but I think it's kind of off to punish your DD for answering your question.  I mean, you asked why and she told you.  If she was trying to be malicious that'd be something, but with a 3yo I'd say 90% of them are just answering your question and not trying to be mean.  I think the intent behind the words are important in how you address it.

Anyhoo, I'd also want to do more talking with your DD about what she said and why, but I really think that if you are choosing to engage in this type of discussion it has to be free - a kid needs to be able to say what they think when you ask, and a 3yo isn't going to have the nuance to sugar coat things.

Tjej

[dauphinette]

Originally Posted by swd12422 

My DS is 3, and he's been doing the same things. Avoiding hugs and kisses, being rude about it, basically not wanting affection from me. I think it might be one of those phases that doesn't make any sense at all -- they're dealing with separation and testing boundaries and needing to feel secure, and they do that by pushing us away. When he says something mean, I tell him it hurts my feelings and isn't a nice thing to say, but he doesn't seem to care. But at other moments he'll say, "I like you very very very much." So, while my feelings do get hurt, I try to take it all with a grain of salt. He doesn't like me in that moment any more than he did when he said whatever mean thing he said, and doesn't like me any less when he's saying whatever mean thing he's saying.

Yes, this is def. what I am feeling like is going on the more I mull it over and thank you for relating.
 

[hopefulfaith]

My kids did the same thing, particularly between 3 and 4.

I tried not to focus on the "You didn't want to give me a kiss" part as much as I focused on "Here are some better ways to decline unwanted physical contact" strategies --- it is very important to me that the kids _not_ accept/give kisses/hugs if they do not want to, even if it's to me/dh --- but there's a pleasant way to do it, I think.  As a side note, we have practiced these during quiet moments.  My kids love imaginative scenarios where they get to decide how they would handle something.

I think her telling you by using the word "puke" (which is harsh, I get that) is just a 3 year old not knowing a better word/phrase choice off hand as opposed to a true reflection of her feelings, kwim?  Her intent was to deflect the physical contact with words, which is a really great skill for kids --- and I think you can acknowledge that even while telling her that her phrase was a bit rude.  Also, I remember feeling (and still sometimes feel!) awful by the words my kids were using to tell me no, etc., but I think if I would have let them see me being totally off the deep end in my reaction to them, it would have done more harm than good.  For younger kids, I think it would have scared them -- for older ones, it's like nextcommercial said, I'm not going to give them the power to send me sobbing into my bedroom.

I would definitely have addressed the rudeness, but I think for 3-5 year olds, that sort of thing is age-appropriate:  they're learning how to use words and trying to navigate which ones are appropriate and effective in which situation, etc.  She is doing what we exhort our preschoolers to do 87,945 times a week:  "Use your words!"  ....she is just little enough that she hasn't gained a good sense of which ones to use, I think.  Guidance with this is key.

[dauphinette]

Thank you, your words really made me feel good.  I very much agree with everything you said and feel like it's not such a strange perspective amongst my circle of friends and myself so I was pretty surprised how child-centric the answers here were, I favor a more balanced approach to child/adult interactions I suppose. 

I very much agree that this has shown me an area of personal growth that I need to focus on which is to reflect on why my daughters hurtful words struck me so deep and also got a little crash course in parenting 101:your kid can and will be mean to you.  I have always been a naive person, I was raised to BE naive and it has both served and hurt me in different instances.  I am also a highly sensitive cancerian and have had hormonal issues ever since my pregnancy.  The point is that I do now know that this is a trigger for me so I will be on the offensive in this regard and I think its good, I think it will only be good for our relationship going forward.
 

Originally Posted by oaktreemama 

I understand how hurt you must have been. I am in the camp of kids can certainly feel comfortable in refusing unwanted affection. I am not in the camp of simply accepting that rejection when it is couched in such a hurtful way.

YOU are as entitled to your feelings as your DD is and I don't like how your feelings appear to be dismissed as invalid because you are an adult. In our house everyone's feelings are valid and if our feelings are hurt by comments or actions we are allowed to say so. That doesn't mean we are allowed to wound the offender with our words. But it certainly means we can articulate our sadness.

Since you know now this is a big issue for you (and it would be for me too!!) I would think about how to act the next time. If you are preapred you can better redirect her words while still respecting her feelings.