A serious question...

[pumpkingirl71]

This question may violate the user agreement, but if it does, the user agreement is seriously broken.

I have been an active member of the forum for over five years.  I love the support I have gottern here.  But in my time, two members who came here for support and who had so much to offer other adoptive parents, have left due to nasty treatment. I assume most of the treatment is coming from those who don't understand the process of adoption or the common problems an adoptive parent faces.

Is there a solution to this problem?

Edited by pumpkingirl71 - 5/15/11 at 12:16pm

[lauren]

pumpkingirl this is an excellent question and I am going to move it to Questions and Suggestions where an administrator is the moderator and can address this problem. I will subscribe as well and participate in the discussion if needed.

[Cynthia Mosher]

Hi pumpkin girl 

It sounds to me like these members are already gone so I'm not sure there is a solution for those particular members at this point. It's hard for me to consider "nasty treatment" that occurred without seeing the offending posts. Please read through this thread and see if it answers your concerns and gives you guidance on how to handle such issues if they arise. If you still have questions feel free to post here again to ask. 

[RedOakMomma]

Honestly, I've hardly been around recently (because of the new forum style...it's too slow for my computer), but I know what you mean.

Adoption, and discussing adoption, is tough.  This forum, thanks in large part to lauren (!! you're great !!) has muddled along through some really difficult issues.  Personally, though I find the nastiness really hurtful and annoying at the time, I do think that in the long run it's made me more thoughtful and more at ease in my heart and mind about adoption.  I don't like seeing people get hurt, and I certainly don't like being snapped at or judged, but in the long run I feel like I'm getting more from the forum --even when it's a difficult place to be-- than I would if it were only a forum of supportive, like-minded people.

...of course, some days, it would be lovely to have a forum of only supportive, like-minded people.  Some days, especially when times are tough, the opionions voiced just plain hurt.  That's where it's meant so much to me that long-time members of the forum have stepped in, been protective, and sought to be supportive and clarify.  I'm always so impressed by the ladies in this forum...how people can step in, kindly but firmly, and circle a person in support.  I've been surprised, honestly, at how often that's happened without getting threads shut down or posts deleted.

Maybe the solution is for current participants in the forum to be more active in supporting their online "friends" in tricky spots?  Not to get defensive and angry, but just to circle, protect, with understanding?

Not sure there's an answer, though...this online forum stuff, it's tricky.  Especially when people have such different experiences with adoption, and some aren't adoptive parents yet but would like to work out their beliefs with other people who think a great deal about adoption. 

[LynnS6]

2 cents from someone who doesn't normally hang out in the Adoptive and Foster Parenting forum. Sometimes I click on threads that in that forum because the title intrigued me and they appear in the "last post" section under general parenting on the main board. Usually, once I've read the first post or so I realize that I'm not in any position to add anything of any value and a quietly go on my way. However, sometimes I think that people don't realize what subforum they've landed in, and start blithely posting away. The current thread about food that's been removed was a great example of that. I did click on that without realizing, read it, realized that I couldn't possibly say a thing to address the mom's issues because I've never been in that position. I did post a bit of support at the end, but only because I felt that the OP had had a lot of advice from people who didn't  understand her situation and who hadn't read the whole post.

Is there any way to make it clearer what subforum the "Last Post" is from?

I hang out a fair amount in 2 of the subforums (Gifted & Special Needs) and while it's rarely a problem in those forums, the titles of the threads in those subforums are usually pretty clearly related to the topic of the subforum. With adoptive/foster parenting, titles might be something that could apply to any group of children (e.g., "How do I get this child to sleep?" -- totally making this up) -- but the issues and the solutions could be much different because it's an adoptive/foster situation. Unless you're really paying attention, it's very possible to have a thread derailed by someone who doesn't realize the differences in issues.

Having it be clear before you click on the Last Post (which is usually the only way I ever get to the Adoptive/Foster Parenting forum), would help. Actually, it'd help for all of the forums with subforums -- I'm often finding myself in the SAHM forum for similar reasons.

[SundayCrepes]

I don't read as many of the adoption threads as I used to and haven't noticed any nastiness lately.  (Not doubting it. Like I said, I don't read all the many threads.)

The adoption forum here used to be famous for how nasty it could get. I know I left for awhile. Then I came back and found some of the nastiest people had gone away. I don't know if it was just happenstance that they left or if they were asked to leave. However, since then I have found this forum to be much easier to be on. Of course, I must be missing something since I was unaware of recent issues. (Since our adoption finalized almost 1 1/2 years ago, I tend to spend my time in other areas.)

So, is the problem consistently from the same people or is it just a trend that could be as LynnS6 pondered?

[Polliwog]

I don't know if there's a solution but it's a tough one. You can't wall it off from the rest of MDC, nor would you want to. But, sometimes, the advice that is perfectly acceptable (and often wonderful) in the rest of AP land, can really backfire when you are dealing with a child who comes from a background of serious neglect or abandonment. Attachment disorders and feeding are too examples.

In this latest situation, many good ideas were suggested by people who don't typically post in this forum. But then, based on many other threads that the OP started in other sections of the board (and the adoption one,) concern arose about the OP herself. These concerns may, or may not, have been valid. I have no clue. That seems inappropriate but yet, if someone posts something it's out there.

[lauren]

ROM, I really like your idea of circling the support wagons, while still being open to alternative viewpoints.

Lynn, I really think making sure the titles make it clear it is adoption or foster care related would help a lot. It would have helped in the Food thread and I wish I had thought of it.

SundayCrepes, some of the past nastiness came from adult adoptees coming to argue about adoption in general and once we moved those topics to Personal Growth  the atmosphere got much more supportive and has been so for the most part until the last issue.

I am hoping that with everyone's suggestions, things can return to the supportive, yet open space it was.

[Spring Lily]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

Is there any way to make it clearer what subforum the "Last Post" is from?

This is such a great question. I've accidentally wandered into discussions the "last post" feature and it wasn't until after I posted (and got some responses!) that I realized I was in a subforum, not the main forum like I'd thought. Even with a person well-practiced with forums it isn't always clear, and could probably help smooth out some of the discussions.