I'm now a single mommy!

[guest123456]

Hey mamas, today was my second day as a single mommy to my 4 month old DS. It's a difficult time, when I told DP we were moving out he said "ok." I had been nervous about telling him for a month and that's all it was. Surprising to say the least! We've been together for 8 years but the narcissism, etc. got to be too much.

I've been raising DS on my own since the beginning, but with a big kid to take care of too. We moved in with my parents and DS is all smiles and laughs, and I've actually been able to shower in the morning, it's amazing!

I've been lurking a bit on the forum, it makes me feel optimistic to see such string women making this work. We have counseling Tuesday, wish me luck. It will be an interesting road ahead. Thanks for your time and support!

[muslimahmama]

Welcome! You know.. he might just think you're blowing off steam and will eventually come back. Just a thought. I know what you mean about the BIG KID thing. I can totally relate. Everyone always tells me it must be SO HARD raising two kids alone (I left my ex when I was 3 months pregnant and had a 2 1/2 year old.. now they are 6 months and 3 1/2) Being a single mom is MUCH easier than dealing with all the bullshit and drama.

I enjoy my DS2 so much.. it was REALLY hard with DS1 because my ex always wanted my attention. I realize now he was extremely resentful of his own children.

Enjoy your baby!

[tccandlsccmom]

Hugs to you.  This is a great forum.  Just a thought from me....my emotions go back and forth a lot, so most (?) days I am great (or at least okay) and convinced all is well and I definitely made the right decision.  Then there are the darker days that sneak up on me....when I have doubts and no energy and wonder...

I have found it helpful to reach out to friends and family and to journal and to do a lot of cardio on those darker days.  And I am told it will get better....

Keep the faith...

[guest123456]

Hey mommas, thanks for the input and advice. This has been a really difficult week, he's making an effort to help (like picking up DS for a couple of hours once, being willing to do counseling, and playing with DS when I ask) but I am still doing 99% of the work. I don't know that I could get over my resentment at the exceptional levels of selfishness that we've had to put up with.

He didn't get it when I moved out, so now I need to be clearer and stronger. Spending part of a day together this week, we fell back into the same pattern, the abusive cycle, resentment and enabling. I'm also starting to realize that the relationship can't continue. I was holding out hope that the counseling and us leaving would make him want to change but obviously that's not the case.

My question is, should I give him more time? It's only been 2 weeks of counseling and 3 weeks of living apart. There are so many issues, and my anger toward him is something I'm not sure I can get over. Do you think a true narcissist can change for good, even if he seems to be making an effort? What have been your experiences with this type of partner? TIA, I really appreciate your support and knowing there's a safe place to be heard.

[AttunedMama]

We keep relationships because they illuminate our lives, enhance our days, stretch us into wonderful directions that we weren't taking ourselves. We are unwise to keep relationships because we don't quite feel able to effectively talk ourselves out of them.

(I don't know why I'm saying "we", but it was kind of fun)

[DCMama01]

In my opinion, narcs don't change. X-DP was one and I had to learn that I'm not responsible for anyone else's happiness. Hell, I almost sacrificed my own in the process!

Anyway, welcome!

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by MegaBerry 


My question is, should I give him more time? It's only been 2 weeks of counseling and 3 weeks of living apart. There are so many issues, and my anger toward him is something I'm not sure I can get over. Do you think a true narcissist can change for good, even if he seems to be making an effort? What have been your experiences with this type of partner? TIA, I really appreciate your support and knowing there's a safe place to be heard.

No. Simply, no. Break up with him loudly and clearly, create your own life, and do what you can to have a functional coparenting relationship with him while protecting yourself. If he decides to become Mr. Wonderful and stays that way for a year, then consider getting back with him.

Just think, if an alcoholic didn't drink (that you were aware of) for two weeks, would you proclaim him cured? Hell no. Narcissism is the same thing. Anyone can not be a jerk for a few days -- and you're saying that he was already reverting to mistreating you. That absolutely doesn't mean real lasting change. And honestly, I think it's pretty rare for narcissists to change. 

There's this great book, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's definitely worth checking out.

I escaped an emotionally abusive relationship, and every time I broke up with him, he swore until he was blue in the face that he would change. I believed him, time and time again, until I finally got out. One person here on MDC said something really simple and profound -- she was talking about her own abusive ex, and she said, "I don't want to be with someone who would EVER treat me that way."

If you do take him back, you'll be living in fear that the mistreatment/abuse will start again. You'll be living in anger and resentment over past abuse. You'll be modeling to your children that abusive relationships are okay (because there's a 99.9 percent chance that the abuse will start back up when you take him back). And you'll be missing out on a chance to find a true partner who cherishes you and treats you well because he wouldn't dream of treating you badly.

Good luck. It takes real strength to escape and reshape your thought patterns. But it's so much better on the other side.

ETA: Also, counseling for yourself and for him is a great idea. But couples counseling, to put it bluntly, is a terrible idea in abusive dynamics. Here's on good article: http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=117