Husband is too fearful to attempt second pregnancy

[7thtexasgal]

I know this will be a controversial post, but I sure don't intend it to be.  It's a serious question. And let me say on the outset that I don't really want to deceive my husband into fathering a second baby.  That's no fun.  But I'm in a predicament.

After I got married (later in life -- I was 36), we got pregnant 4 months after we wed.  Lovely time.  But even though he agreed to have "a couple of children" sooner rather than later, that first pregnancy was, I suppose, a shocker for him.  Thankfully, he's turned out to be a wonderful father.  He's not as patient as I am with the inconveniences and messes that children make, but he's a sweet dad, who obviously loves his nearly-two-year-old daughter.

During our engagement, he agreed to have a couple of children.  He said he would be "ok" with two, but had concerns about raising children in this world, and providing for them...you know, the usual "I'm the man and I need to provide for my wife and children" thing.  I think it's healthy and good for him to think about these things.  He agreed to let me quit my job at the birth of our daughter.  He has a decent job with the government.  We're not hurting for money.

But since the birth of our daughter, he has gotten extremely money-hungry.  He's demanded I keep working, and I've attempted to do as he asks by working an 8-5 job at home (miracle!) while keeping my daughter so she doesn't have to go into daycare.  (I feel strongly about daycare.)  He's afraid to spend any money at all...even to buy a house, which is a great move in this market.  We have cash enough on hand to buy a house outright without debt!  But he's too afraid to spend it.  We have no other debt and our expenses are minimal.

Of course, he knows I couldn't handle watching TWO kids and working from home.  I'd have to quit my job, and the thought of losing my income just destroys him.  Money hungry.  Seriously.

Now, when I bring up the idea of a second child, he flips out.  He says we might as well get rid of all our things and burn all our money, because a second child will put us in the poorhouse.  Yes, I'm making him sound awful, but he's really not all bad.  It's just in this area, he really goes nuts.  He gets dramatic about it.  He apparently feels that a second child would do us in, when to think of it that way is simply...overdone.  He's obsessed with money.  Or more accurately:  he's afraid of being poor.

But here's the thing: when I got pregnant with our daughter, he flipped out about money for a while, too.  He worried and fussed, and carried on.  I really got to where he was bringing me down and depressing me over it.  But when our daughter was born, there was a glow about him.  He LOVED that little girl.  So now...when I see him flipping out about money, all I'm starting to see is a guy who knows that a pregnancy could happen any day by accident (even with protection), and he's just afraid of the possibility.  So he takes comfort in saving as much money as possible, and prays we don't have to spend it on a new baby.  ;)

At least I guess that's what he's doing.

He even told me once that he believes God can produce miracles, that accidental pregnancies can happen, and he would NEVER want to abort a child if we had an unplanned pregnancy.  So I know he isn't destroyed by the thought of a second child.

It's just that his fear is paralyzing him into deciding to go for it.  Having intercourse without protection is like playing russian roulette for him -- because it's almost just as stressful for him.  For me, I love the idea of wondering if I might conceive that month.  But...his fear has caused him to rely entirely on condoms.  I've refused to take chemical BC, so we started using condoms until my daughter was weaned, but since then, he can't make himself let go of the condoms.  He's told me so.  He's terrified of having sex without protection.

Yet, he's ok with an accidental pregnancy?  I don't get it.  Can't have an accidental pregnancy when you're using BC, except in the rare instance.  Or in case God decides to create a miracle.

I'm seriously thinking of doing something horrid, like getting pregnant "accidentally on purpose" just to get it done and over with and let him get on with enjoying daddy-hood.  Personally, I believe he'd enjoy a second child; he even talks about wanting a son.  I think he'd be more comfortable with a second child if we'd bought a house...and I don't mind waiting for that, provided it's not 10 more years.  But in addition, I DO NOT want my daughter to be an only-child.  I saw my mother suffer alone when her mother (my grandmother) died.  He didn't have her brother (who died young) to take comfort in.  Nobody knew my grandmother the way my mom did, so despite the comfort of her family, my mom really did kind of suffer alone.  I don't want my daughter to be alone when my husband and I die in years to come.  I want her to have a playmate and a sibling.  Everyone I know who has had a second child has sung it's praises -- that it's been the best thing they ever did, even though they were scared of it to start with.

I've attempted to talk to my husband about all of these things, but to no avail.  To him, it's like having to rip a really huge painful bandage off -- he doesn't have the guts.  So he just doesn't think about it while the years have ticked by, as if we have all the time in the world.  He doesn't have the guts to stop using that condom and just go for a second baby while we have the chance.

Has anyone else experienced this desire to get pregnant accidentally on purpose in the confines of an otherwise happy and trusting marriage?

I've waited patiently for 2 years for him to start realizing that kids are not going to break the bank, and that they can be lovely, fun, wonderful blessings.  I'm sick of seeing so many of my friends getting blissfully pregnant and having husbands who love having more children.

Thoughts?

Am I evil to feel this way?  :)

[Mosaic]

Are you evil? No, I wouldn't say that.

However, I would caution you against characterizing your husband as money-hungry or considering his anti-abortion stance as being "ok with an accidental pregnancy." Setting aside the issue of another child for a second, it sounds as though your husband has an unhealthy perspective of/relationship with money. No judgement, as I was the same way myself; and it took years to retrain myself to handle money responsible rather than hoard out of fear. Perhaps he is really and truly against having another child and is using finances as an easier excuse? Or perhaps becoming a father brought up some very real insecurities, maybe from a financially unstable childhood?

I agree with you that from what you've posted here, you're in a decidedly better financial position than the majority of parents or would-be parents. That said, it appears that your husband has some very real anxieties that need to be worked through, likely with the help of a professional, whether you have another child or not. Either way, I do caution you that having another baby accidentally or "accidentally", would likely just exacerbate the problem rather than magically turn him into a googly-eyed mushy new papa.

[Sourire]

I agree that the best solution would be for your DH to get some kind of counseling regarding his money issues. Does he have something in his past that would help explain why he is so worried about money now?

My DH grew up in a family where money was very unstable. Sometimes there would be plenty of it and the family would get to go on trips and do fun things and live in nice houses. Other times there would all of a sudden be no more money and all those things that they had enjoyed would be taken away. His parents even got divorced over money issues. As a results DH has a lot of anxiety about money. When we bought a house he was only willing to spend about half the money we could actually afford because he was afraid of having financial problems. He has huge amounts of money in his savings, and when they markets are doing badly he goes crazy with worry. However since I know a lot about finances (my career is related to finance) and we both understand the source of his fear, we are usually able to talk through these things and I am able to convince him that our financial situation is extremely good... he listens to my arguments because he knows I know what I am talking about!

Anyways my DH is on board for TTC now so my situation isn't exactly as bad as yours, but I do think you guys should work on getting to the root of his insecurity about money for a while before you take any measures like getting pregnant accidentally. If he won't agree to get psychological help you might be able to convince him to go see a financial advisor who could do an analysis of your financial situation and tell you guys exactly how well off you really are.

[Jaimee]

No, you're not evil for thinking that way, but I, too, would caution you against getting "accidentally"  pregnant.  It sounds to me that you dh would be okay with a child that was a miracle conceived while using a condom, but not otherwise.  If you, say, poked a hole in the condom, you would have to live with that lie your whole life.  Is that something you'd want to be carrying around in your otherwise trusting marriage?

When my dd was about 2 years old, I accidentally got pregnant and miscarried (very early) and it totally jump started my desire to have a second baby.  Dh, on the other hand, was extremely relieved when I m/c.  He was not ready for another and did not even know if he wanted another.  Our first is extremely spirited and has put a lot of stress on us- we seriously questioned our ability to parent a second.  But just two cycles later I accidentally got pregnant again- seriously, we were avoiding, it was a 5 day old sperm situation.  I was so nervous how my dh would handle it.  I was excited.  He was not.  But he kept saying "it is what it is."  He was much less supportive of me during the entire pregnancy and frankly, he played a very different fathering role after ds was born as well.  I had much more of the responsibility for the baby.  These were not easy things to deal with and this is coming from a husband that wasn't adament about condoms or freaking out about money- he was just unsure.  I would absolutely fear how your dh would react to you and react to the baby if this is something he really does not want right now.  I think you would feel very alone in your pregnancy and alone with the care of a newborn. 

I think the pp is right and your dh needs to get some help with his money issues or whatever is spurring the money issues.  Perhaps you two can make a compromise: you will shelve the idea of having a second baby for X number months IF he seeks professional help with his anxiety.  Perhaps if he can get to the root of his issues he will come around all on his own.  Alternatively, both of you could seek couples' counseling b/c your desire for a second baby is very real and valid, too.  Big issues like this can really drive a wedge in your relationship and working on it early is the best way to prevent a major problem down the line.

Good luck and keep us updated if you'd like!

[Sourire]

I like Jaimee's idea of negotiating with your DH.

Another tactic you could try is to figure out a measurable and attainable financial goal (ex: accumulating 3 months worth of salary in savings or something)... and agree that when you reach that goal, you will both agree to TTC. Then after that you can both work towards achieving that goal and your DH will know that you will be in a better financial situation when you have the baby.

[7thtexasgal]

Thank you ladies, for your thoughtful replies.  It helps, somehow, to know someone is out there listening.  :)

He is very well aware of our financial situation.  He does all the spreadsheets and calculations, determining how much we're "worth".  He has piles of money stashed away -- and I don't mean to make him sound like a miser, but he really does.  We essentially have 5 years of income saved up.  That's SO much more than other people have!!!  Neither of us have really high-paying jobs...we just work hard and have been very frugal.  And I know that 5 years worth of income can be eaten up in a short time if we got careless with it.  Anyway.  I just wanted to clarify that he is very involved in our finances.

I do believe his fears of money come from his childhood.  His parents didn't make much, either, but they worked hard and did the best they could.  He had to fight some for the things he has acquired.  His grandmother, however, was pretty wealthy and viciously denied him and two other grandchildren the benefits of her money, while showering those benefits on his brother.  I think it made him jealous and in response, he started to achieve financial independence just so he could show he didn't need his grandmother's help.  And the habit has stuck.

I'm of the belief that money is nice, but it's also transient.  It can be stolen.  It can be lost in a tragedy.  I don't want to be poor, but I'm willing to accept a certain amount of sacrifice in order to have the blessing of children.

I've tried so hard to get him to go to counseling...and he just won't.  We've had more discussions/confrontations about that than I can even count.  And not just in relation to baby-having.  We've talked about his love of money with regards to giving a big gift to his parents, to giving some of it to the church, etc.  He just can't spend his own money on anything except "family preparedness" (survival) stuff and absolute day-to-day necessities.  And the occasional dining out.  He doesn't believe he's wrong in his feelings at all.  We've had some nice discussions that ended with him trying to "do better".  And he has, in a lot of ways.  But the money thing just....stays.  Frustrating.

You all are right that I'd have to live with that lie if I tried to get pg by deceptive means.  That's why I don't want to do it.  I hate that I'm in this position at all.  It's not what I thought I'd be having when I married him.  He was just a different man then.

I suppose I ought to keep praying for a miracle.

:)