Hi Jessica,
I am a 31 y.o. Mom to a 20 month old girl and a 4 month old boy. Our baby boy was a "surprise". My husband and I also have 2 older boys, 9 and 10, from previous relationships. Needless to say, we are busy. I am home on maternity leave until January. My husband works very long hours at his own construction business.
I have had my share of challenges with these 2 little ones in the last 4 months. My daughter has been difficult. As much as she is a delight, she can be very demanding and I have had many sleepless nights with her through her teething (which seemed to last from 3 months until just recently). My daughter has been sleeping much better lately. My son is much easier to manage compared to my other children, but he is not the best sleeper through the night. He tosses and turns, grunts, and seems to have a lot of gas. I have tried putting him to sleep on his own, but I find that the only way for me to get any rest is to just have him in bed with my husband and I. Sometimes all he needs is some gentle pats on the back. I am sleep deprived as it is, and this seems to work for me. We finally got my daughter to sleep on her own just before my son was born, after letting her cry it out for only a couple of nights. Now she loves her little bed. Since her room is on the other side of the house, for now she is sleeping in her playpen in our bedroom. I nursed my daughter for about 10 months, so that is how she got into the habit of being in bed with us. Again, sleep deprivation was the culprit. I would often doze off while she was nursing so I could still find a way to get some sleep. So you can say we definitely have a "family bed".
Now getting to the issue. Since my son was born, my husband and I are really feeling a strain on our marriage. There are many factors contributing to this that I can't seem to find solutions for. The most prominent is that we have next to no time together, which is causing us to feel distant. My daughter goes to sleep at 8 pm, our older boys at 9 pm, and lately my son has been fussing until 10 or 11 pm. I seem to be the only one that can settle him down lately. To make matters worse, when we do have a moment together (usually late at night when I'm exhausted), I just want to get sex over with. It feels like yet another chore in my day. I feel so agitated at this point in the day. I am so tired of having the little ones clinging to me all day, constantly needing something. I have taken care of everyone else in the house at this point, made supper, cleaned up, gave the little ones baths and put them to bed, done laundry, made lunches. All this time, my husband has been sitting on the couch resting because he is exhausted from work. From his perspective, he feels he works much harder than I do. I have zero time to decompress and rest up to be ready for him! So after a long evening of looking after everyone else's needs, now I have the biggest baby of them all (my husband), sitting there waiting for me. The last thing I want to do is have him touch me! It never used to be this way. It only got like this after my son was born. I feel maxed out, like I have nothing left. Mornings are out of the question to be intimate, my husband leaves at 5 am and does not get home until 6 - 8 pm, sometimes later. We do have sex anywhere from 2-4 times per week, but the quality isn't there. My husband is craving "passion" and I am just going through the motions so I can have my body to myself again!!!
Last night, my husband got very angry because I was not responding to him like he wanted me to. I felt more agitated than usual. He feels rejected and he takes it personal when I do not want to be intimate. He feels that I am not attracted to him anymore, despite me telling him this is not true. I have communicated to him what is going on, but he can't get past these feelings of rejection. He craves our old life when we would stare into each others eyes, cuddle, kiss passionately, and have sex often. I keep telling him to give it time, that it will be like that again as soon as the babies are not so demanding on me. Last night, he said he was tired of this and said he wanted to divorce. I don't know what to do anymore. We have no family help either, and finding a babysitter is hard because the two little ones are so close in age. I have a hard enough time managing them, nevermind a teenager! Is there any way to make this better quickly? It seems my husband will not have the patience to wait it out. I feel that I have nothing left to give him anymore. I almost feel it would be easier if he just had a mistress to satisfy him so he would leave me alone!
I hope you can help somehow. I don't want to tear our family apart over this!
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