Concrete suggestions for 4 yr old in an angry phase?

[RollerCoasterMama]

DS is usually lovely.  He goes through less-than-lovely phases like all kids.  We had a few weeks of tantrums this winter.  They got worse and worse and finally burned out.  He had some major not-listening during some turmoil with preschool that has resolved.  The past couple of weeks...maybe three?...he's been ANGRY.  He's trying out every naughty thing he can think of!  Name-calling, hitting, kicking, throwing toys...none of them very extreme or destructive, but he's definitely testing them out to see what happens.  He even tried spitting for the first time ever yesterday--as much to see how I reacted as anything else. 

My reaction is to be calm, to warn about an upcoming consequence, and to implement the consequence calmly.  Our consequences tend to be no tv, or if his not-listening is delaying getting ready for bed, then sometimes we don't have time for a story.  If he refuses to eat dinner, there's no bedtime snack...mostly because dinner will drag out right up to bedtime.  And telling me he's not hungry for an hour then demanding a snack...and it better be what he wanted...it's not going to happen.

Last week he had an epic couple of days.  I thought he burned out and was back to normal because he was an angel boy for several days in a row.  But as soon as we got back from our trip out to the historic farm on Saturday, he flipped right back to angry boy. 

Yesterday, I lost my temper after he decided to try a new tactic.  A few different times, he hit me with one of his toys...a stick horse, a wooden sword, a chain necklace he plays with, the cover from a box of blocks.  Each time, I removed the item and put it up high where it will live for a few days.  But at least once, I reacted by swatting his butt after he hurt me.  Not painful at all, but definitely not helpful in teaching not to hit when he's mad!!!!  And I was MAD too by then.  So it was absolutely not how I should have reacted.  Later I was able to diffuse the mood by asking if he needed a hug.  He didn't want to talk about it, but he wanted the hug. 

Except then he thinks it's all better and he should get his consequences reversed.

It's so frustrating because he knows better.  He is definitely experimenting.  When he's calm he can talk about better alternatives.  I praise him to the sky for his "super star" days (moments!) when he's been going through a tough time.

Any concrete suggestions about dealing with these angry phases?  We have a standing rule...anything used to hurt someone or something gets put away.  We talk about it being ok to have angry/mad/sad feelings but that we shouldn't be mean or try to hurt people...better to talk about the feeling.  Consequences are known and consistant with a warning if it seems like something is imminent.  Hopefully it will be over soon, but I'd appreciate some suggestions for myself so that I don't get so angry when my usually sweet boy gets mean.  My anger doesn't help the situation one bit. 

His triggers aren't anything consistant.  Most of yesterday, he was mad at me for not being able to cut up felt for some sort of horse gear the way he wanted.  He refused lunch until it was 2 hrs late.  I refuse to fight about food with him.  But by then his mood had deteriorated significantly.  I finally got him to eat something (surprise surprise...he was OMG starving by then!), and then insisted on a nap.  I knew he wouldn't sleep, but he stayed on his bed or quietly in his room and that helped until later in the evening. 

He's been sleeping a lot more during the 2nd half of this angry phase, so could be he's hit another growth spurt.  But I could sure use some survival skills!!  I'm sure that once this phase is gone, it's not the last time I'll see Angry Boy!!  I'm so tired of 1-2-3 counting and consequences for every little thing.  I've been honest with him that his being mean makes me sad and frustrated because I don't know how to help him.  Doesn't help in the moment, but later, he understands. 

[NellieKatz]

I'm just going by my gut feeling based on what you've said. It sounds like he might be reacting to what sounds like an oppositional sort of relationship? Like all the consequences, for example. It could feel to him like you guys are just battling, battling battling. This statement of yours stuck out to me:

"Except then he thinks it's all better and he should get his consequences reversed."

He probably does long for it to be "all better" in the sense of feeling close and connected with you again. With too many punishments and consequences, you may find yourself in a position where you feel like you can't "back up" or soften in any way because it will seem like you're giving in, or losing authority, or whatever. But maybe try thinking of it from his view. There are two books, one is Between Parent & Child by Haim Ginott, and the other is P.E.T. (Parent Effectiveness Training) by Thomas Gordon. Both of them have been very helpful to us by making it plain that when the child feels HEARD, that really defuses the anger.

As an example, you are out somewhere and it's time to leave. The child screams and stomps his feet that he doesn't want to leave. It would be very tempting to react to the screaming and stomping, and try to stop those behaviors, but in reality they are his way of expressing his strong feelings that (a) he is having fun and (b) he feels powerless that AGAIN you are taking him away from someplace fun with the "time to go" thing. So before you address HOW he expresses that, you might first acknowledge his feelings as you understand it. "It sounds to me like you don't want to leave." and/or "You are really having fun here with Johnny, playing with those trucks." [child will agree, and then you can add...] "do you think we should come back here again some time?" [child will say Yes].  By now, the emotion has hopefully been turned way down because you are hearing the child and helping him express his feelings. THEN you can say "We can come back again soon. But we have to leave now....how will you and Johnny say goodbye... will you give hugs or will you shake hands?" This scenario plays out all the time with us, and it works, although not perfectly smoothly every time. AFTER he's calm and you are in a loving time together (maybe before kiss-goodnight), you can revisit his angry reaction. "I was having fun at Johnny's house today and so were you. But I didn't like how it ended. When it was time to leave, you screamed and stomped. That hurt our ears. The next time you have big strong feelings like that, how could you do it differently?" And hopefully he's got some experience hearing from you that he can "use his words" instead.

In other words, in this scenario you are acknowledging his feelings, which at his age are so hard to express and/or contain. He feels heard and understood, not dismissed (which enrages....naturally!). Later, when everyone's calm, you get to revisit it and talk about how better to do it next time. You haven't "given in" or indicated that the stomping and screaming are OK, and yet you're not being heavy-handed with him, which I think tends to up the anger.

Does that make sense? 

[RollerCoasterMama]

It does make sense.  The consequences aren't an every day thing.  I really do try to pick my battles and usually we can talk through things.  He's generally a great little guy who likes to be happy.  Just recently with these angry episodes, things are going downhill. 

He doesn't flip out about transitions--something I've always been grateful for!  And I do have conversations like you're describing...diffuse and discuss later when we're calm.  Those are a very good tool and something that he understands.

The consequences are for things that hurt people, animals, things.  Usually removing the item in question for the remainder of the day.  Or, if he starts to get really angry and demanding about the tv, then we just turn it off for a day or two.  (Some days he seems to pick a focal point for his angry episodes...some times tv.  Yesterday it was about cutting holes in felt to make something he wanted for his toy horses...I wasn't able to cut the holes just how he wanted, and neither was he --- que the melt-down.)

I didn't have trouble keeping my calm with the tantrums.  Lots of practice from when he was little and was working on coping with his tendancy to get very overstimulated with very little stimulation.  (I'm guessing mild sensory issues...he still doesn't do loud noises very well.)  Because I worked so hard at it, he and I both have some pretty good coping skills in defusing high emotions.  I think my recent frustration with this phase is that he's consciously trying to be mean out of nowhere.  He's clearly got a lot of strong emotions going on and I'm trying to help him acknowledge them in a manner that doesn't hurt people.  Heck, I don't even care about name-calling!  But grabbing his toy sword and whacking me with it...not ok.  It's so out of character for him, that it's surprising me.  Of course, once my frustration level is up, it's harder to keep calm.  He doesn't behave like this with anyone but me.  But his dad gets a lot more authoritative about things and he probably doesn't feel as relaxed over there. 

Right now, I need to work on keeping my own calm.  When I remember to do things like "time in" -- ex:  a little extra mommy-time and a hug to defuse -- we do much better.  The intentional mean-ness seems to make it harder for me to keep calm.  He's got a lot going on right now, so his emotions are totally legit.  I just wish we could find a better outlet!  Guess I need to practice my "woo sah"-ing.  :)

[nd_deadhead]

It sounds like you've got a solid foundation with your son - and his behavior right now isn't enough of an earthquake to crumble it. Remember that!

One thing that struck me was your comment that he only does this around you. Perhaps your ds is working really hard to be "good" around other people, and by the time he gets home to you, he has a lot of pent-up frustration or emition - could be good or bad, but it's more than he can handle. He knows he can dump on you, because you love him unconditionally - you provide a safe outlet. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but might make it easier to understand. I have days like this - I come home from work and act all cranky at DH because I had a hard day at work - it's not his fault, but he gets the fallout.

I have twins, and I remember being so frustrated one night that I wanted to bonk their little heads together. I didn't do it, but I could suddenly understand why some parents do. Instead, I got down on my knees next to them (they were 4 or 5), and pulled them close to me. As soon as I wrapped my arms around them, I no longer felt so angry and out of control. I said "Couch snuggle!", which is how we usually started our days (this was a rare bedtime battle). We snuggled up together on the couch. One of them started to say "It all started when he..." but I cut him off. I told him it didn't matter who started it, or what happened - all that mattered now was that we were going to calm down so we could go to bed and get a good sleep. A little deep breathing and dim lights, and soon we were all relaxed and ready to go to bed.

Don't forget to "catch him being good" - when he is able to harness his emotional energy in a non-destructive way (hitting a pillow instead of you), assure him that it's OK to be mad, but it isn't OK to hurt other people or their stuff.

Hang in there - as you said in your title, this is a phase.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by nd_deadhead 

It sounds like you've got a solid foundation with your son - and his behavior right now isn't enough of an earthquake to crumble it. Remember that!

One thing that struck me was your comment that he only does this around you. Perhaps your ds is working really hard to be "good" around other people, and by the time he gets home to you, he has a lot of pent-up frustration or emition - could be good or bad, but it's more than he can handle. He knows he can dump on you, because you love him unconditionally - you provide a safe outlet. That doesn't excuse his behavior, but might make it easier to understand. I have days like this - I come home from work and act all cranky at DH because I had a hard day at work - it's not his fault, but he gets the fallout.

I have twins, and I remember being so frustrated one night that I wanted to bonk their little heads together. I didn't do it, but I could suddenly understand why some parents do. Instead, I got down on my knees next to them (they were 4 or 5), and pulled them close to me. As soon as I wrapped my arms around them, I no longer felt so angry and out of control. I said "Couch snuggle!", which is how we usually started our days (this was a rare bedtime battle). We snuggled up together on the couch. One of them started to say "It all started when he..." but I cut him off. I told him it didn't matter who started it, or what happened - all that mattered now was that we were going to calm down so we could go to bed and get a good sleep. A little deep breathing and dim lights, and soon we were all relaxed and ready to go to bed.

Don't forget to "catch him being good" - when he is able to harness his emotional energy in a non-destructive way (hitting a pillow instead of you), assure him that it's OK to be mad, but it isn't OK to hurt other people or their stuff.

Hang in there - as you said in your title, this is a phase.

I think I'm going to try more time-ins during these episodes.  They worked magic when he was a toddler and got out of control.  I definitely remind myself that it's a twisted sort of compliment that he can work this stuff out for me.  :P 

Catching being good is a habit now!  We started talking about "super star" listening.  Now any time he does something right away that other times he might have argued about, I comment on super star.  Just last week after I thought he'd finally burned out of the angry phase and he was angellic for a few days, I told him he was super duper awesome-sauce star!  He was beaming!  Because I know he really was working hard at it.  I try to catch him before the mood sets in.  When it works, it's great! 

We have lots of practice with naming emotions.  I started that when he was little because he needed that tool.  He needed to know it was ok to be mad at mommy!  But it's easy to get lazy when he looks and acts so mature most of the time. 

Really...this is nothing.  I'm frustrated at my own reactions as much as anything.  He's not destructive.  His aggressive outbursts are almost tentative experiments.  But man he's figured out my buttons!  ;)  This is definitely more about me than him. He'll be over this phase in a couple of weeks.  I still need to remind myself to use all of the tools I worked so hard to aquire when he was a high needs toddler!

[mamakay]

I had a lot of luck with "2 second timeouts," where I just asked him to go to his room and count to 2, and then he could come back immediately if he'd just promise to at least try to be more chill. It wasn't punitive and he didn't really mind doing it, but it worked to snap him out of ignoring me, being defiant, and emotionally escalating. It kind of works like a "reset".

Not going to the 2 second timeout is what got him grounded from stuff, but he pretty quickly learned that going to his room and counting to 2 was better than getting grounded (he was about 4 and a half when we started doing the 2 second time outs.)

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by mamakay 

I had a lot of luck with "2 second timeouts," where I just asked him to go to his room and count to 2, and then he could come back immediately if he'd just promise to at least try to be more chill. It wasn't punitive and he didn't really mind doing it, but it worked to snap him out of ignoring me, being defiant, and emotionally escalating. It kind of works like a "reset".

Not going to the 2 second timeout is what got him grounded from stuff, but he pretty quickly learned that going to his room and counting to 2 was better than getting grounded (he was about 4 and a half when we started doing the 2 second time outs.)

Good idea!  :)  It would probably be good to switch things up again.  Right now, our reset is counting backwards from 10.  We've done that since he was 2 (learned it from Little Einsteins!  ;)).  Seemed like counting down was better than counting up because he knew there was an end.  Maybe changing to 2 second resets would be a good switch-up. 

We had a chat again.  And I'm making an effort to keep my own cool.  Although last night and this morning, he decided to be angel boy again, so no chances for me to practice!  I had a meeting at the house with three other people and he just kept himself quietly busy the whole time and would whisper at me if he wanted my attention.  I think he's just messing with me!  ;-D  He got praise all over the place for being so good for an hour and a half--and was pleased as punch that he did so well.  He could have made that meeting seriously difficult but he just played quietly in his play area where we were.  As soon as they left, I made sure he had time to run off the wiggles for a bit and then we settled into bedtime routine. 
 

[porcelina]

By counting 1 2 3, do you mean counting for him to do something? Or to stop something?

For us, the book Magic 1-2-3 really helped for us to keep our cool. It is so important for us not to lose our control, but sometimes so hard! This book suggests that you count any bad behavior you want to stop. So, talk disrespectfully, 1. Do it again (or do something else), 2.  At 3, then time out. 1 minute per age, in their room (or at an agreed upon place like stairs). I found this really helped us to gain some respect that we were going to follow through on the consequences every time. After some initial testing, our DS (3.5) started to stop bad behaviors by 1 or 2. Now, in the case of hitting, that is an automatic, immediate time out. Time out really just means a break from the bad activity, and separation from you. This way, you just simply take him to his time out place, without having to say anything, when there is hitting. Honestly, losing a lot of these toys may be part of the frustration in your son's case. I found that taking a toy away caused much more desire for retribution than time out -- he was then able to use the same toy respectfully.

Then, I read, Redirecting Children's Behavior, which I loved. She points out the reasons behind tantrums, and has great suggestions on living harmoniously. From what she says, it sounds like your son feels like he does not have enough power, so he is trying to control with acting out kinds of behavior. Maybe you can invest more in having him do things for you, even if they are very simple things, it makes them feel so capable. For example, hold something for you to cut, or turn on the water for you to fill something up, or pour their own drink, etc. With this kind of "positive" power, they feel less need to seek control/power in negative ways. She also warns that methods like those above (1-2-3 magic) really just create more power struggles. I can see how this is true, but it did get me into a much better place where I have gotten a handle on losing my cool. Now I rarely count negative behaviors (honestly, they are happening much less), and take her approach to tantrums.

Anyway, a couple of (very different!) approaches that might help!

[RollerCoasterMama]

Thanks for the suggestions.  I'll check those out. 

My 1-2-3 is usually to do something rather than stopping.  We race a lot too.  He's competitve by nature so he likes to race to get dressed in the morning or to get ready for bed.  I suspect the 1-2-3 has turned into a game.  Clearly we can use a revamp of a few things!

He does love to help.  He's super independent and likes to do big-kid things.  His little chore-chart magnet board has worked well too for some of our chronic power struggles.  He likes to move the magnets over from To- Do to Done, and I don't nag.  I only put a few magnets on there for now:  eat breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, clear table (put his own dishes in the sink), star (= super star listening), and heart (=extra love from Mom). 

I'll look at the library for the titles you suggested.