Love cosleeping but can't take the sleep deprivation - help!

[cww]

Our daughter is a few days shy of 4 months old, and we've been cosleeping in the same bed since birth.  From day one she was able to sleep for 6 hours sometimes, and she often at least slept for 3 hour chunks at night.  We had trouble getting her to actually go to sleep, but we've managed to solve that problem.  However, for the last month, she has been waking up every 45min-2 hours, during naps, and during nighttime sleep.  Often she can't be comforted by anything except getting out of bed and doing a long walk in the stroller at 3am. 

Today our pediatrician insisted that we would never get anywhere unless we sleep train (meaning cry-it-out).  I've ready the no cry sleep solution books, and we're already using all of those techniques - they helped with getting her to sleep, but nothing seems to KEEP her asleep.  My husband has been pushing for the cry-it-out method for a while now, since so many of his work colleagues have insisted that it was the only thing that worked for them, and now that the pediatrician is pushing it, he really thinks it is what we should do.  I, however, really want to find an alternative. 

I'd like to keep cosleeping while she is still a baby at least, and I am fine with a couple of night wakings if those are something like two wakings between 9pm and 6am when she might just breastfeed and then go back to sleep (without a major meltdown).  I just can't keep going on when I never get more than 90 minutes of sleep in a row. 

Please, please any suggestions on what to try?

Thanks in advance for any help and shared experiences, etc!

[MSWmama]

There's a really common sleep regression that happens at 4 months (google "4 month sleep regression" and you'll see what I mean). It's a developmental thing that a TON of kids go through. My son's always been a crappy sleeper (what you're going through now is about standard for us and has been since day 1 ... he's 6.5 months), but I know others have had good luck with swaddling. Also, maybe she's teething? Some kids teeth early and it can make sleep really uncomfortable. Honestly, if your daughter has been a pretty good sleeper up to this point, she'll probably go back to being a good sleeper, once this 4 month stuff is over. For more info and support about sleep regressions, check out www.askmoxie.com (you can search her blog for her sleep regression posts). She also has some really thoughtful things to say about CIO that might resonate with your husband. 

Good luck to you! I hope you guys are getting some sleep soon! 

[Unlikely Mama]

I agree with PP that at about 4mo. sleep "regression".  However, my experience was not that my baby went back to being a good sleeper. Up til that point, DD's sleep had progressed in a fairly linear fashion-her stretches got progressively longer and her WU's fewer.  That all changed and never went back until I started making sure that she was on a more age-appropriate "schedule" (for lack of a better term). At 4/5 months, that meant that I would never let her be awake longer than 2 hours, with that 2 hour chunk being the last one before BT. Typically, her first wake time of the day was the shortest, and they got longer throughout the day by maybe 15 minutes.  I always put down for BT no later than 2 hours from the end of her last nap.  It could be pretty inconvenient as it frequently means BT's that are early, but it totally changed my baby's sleep life (and therefore mine). I also stopped co-sleeping at that point as it was clear to me that DD was a baby that needed her own space. I'm not suggesting you need to stop co-sleeping, but it was right for us. She still slept right next to me in her crib until 9 months, when I moved her to her own room as even my rustling sheets would make her stir and I felt like a prisoner in my own bed. Hopefully you will find something that works. Keep using the No Cry Sleep Solution methods as getting to her to sleep, in my experience, is half the battle. Maybe if you dial in her WT's, it will help her stay asleep. GL!

[Greenlea]

My co-sleeping son had the 4mth sleep regression too - he was up every 1-2 hours like your LO.  It does pass and is no reason to begin sleep training especially if he was a good sleeper before.  I personally wouldn't sleep train a 4mth old anyways, especially if you're nursing.  Just know it does get better.

[cww]

Sorry for taking so long to reply and thank you guys for your answers (for some reason I sometimes get a bunch of login errors in a row when I try to reply, and then we headed off on a long transatlantic trip which made me forget that I hadn't posted my reply).  Thanks so much for your answers!  I had not heard of the 4 month sleep regression, and I found this really reassuring.  I actually bought the Wonder Weeks book (I think referenced on the askmoxie website?) and found that helpful and reassuring. 

Our daughter is now 5 months old, and here's where we are:  the sleep problems did seem to improve, but we still get about 2 nights per week where she does the waking every hour.  We essentially moved from the US to Europe for the summer, and that big time change and all the travel certainly didn't help, but she seemed to recover from the jet lag in about a week (on the plus side, when you're so sleep deprived as we've been - you have no jet lag - you can sleep whenever you get the chance!).  Right now we're still cosleeping, except she is now in a toddler sized mattress on the floor, and our mattress is on the floor right next to it, so she is a little bit farther away.  Not sure if this really made a difference or not, but I've been having very twitchy legs lately, and just found it less stressful to know that I could move without waking her.  Some nights she is great - sleeping for 4-5 hours first and then going another 3 hours, but this is the exception - I'd love to make it the rule...

For the moment, my husband has been convinced that moving her to another room wouldn't solve the problem - I've been arguing that she would just wake up there, and instead of being fed before she starts screaming, she would work herself up to loud crying and be harder to settle down (plus then I'd have to get out of bed to feed her).  I've told him that I'm not willing to do CIO at this time.  I'm just not convinced that CIO is good for her, and it seems that with travel, etc, it may not even work that well.  For some reason all of his colleagues have told him how bad cosleeping is and how great CIO was for them, whereas all my friends and colleagues have been cosleepers, with positive things to say about that.  We also agreed that we would go to bed earlier (he has a tendency to do midnight emailing, which makes a 5-6am wake up time rough) to try to improve his sleep.  We're still working on it. 

If anyone out there still has any experiences to share, I'd love to know how long this waking every hour thing has gone on in your experience - I would understand if she were sick or teething, but she just seems to be really wakeful at least two nights per week (which is an improvement over every night, but still not ideal).  Is this likely to keep improving on it's own, or do we need to do something?  (I get the feeling sometimes that she isn't really hungry - just bored, which is why feeding only temporarily puts her back to sleep, and what she'd really like to do is get up to play - but all the books say that one should absolutely not encourage that.)  I've found that trying to comfort her by doing anything other than BFing just seems to wake her up more...

Anyway, thanks again for your responses!  They really helped - at least to have some reason for the bad sleeping and to have a sense that it should end soon really helped. 

[gemasita]

We have a 4.5 month old with the same problem...goes to sleep fine..but just can't stay asleep.  It was really bad right before and at 4 months and has been a little better in the last week.  But he still has those nights where he is up EVERY hour all night long, just fidgeting and wanting to nurse.  We keep trying all sorts of different things...maybe we need to try the earlier bedtime.  I do notice, like a PP said that he only goes about 2 hours between naps during the day (1.5 from waking to his first nap) so maybe we need to put him down 2 hours after his last nap.  We bedshare but I don't think that's the problem.  Up until 4 months, he was sleeping 6, 7, 8 hours in a row!  I think it's just developmental but I do hope he goes back to something better than waking every hour.  I'd even be happy if I was just up 3 times a night!  That would be awesome compared to this!

[Ginger Bean]

My 9mo son has never been a good sleeper, though around 2mo and 6mo he was sleeping a long stretch of 6-8 hours and then waking 2-3 times max. The 4 month sleep regression was hell. It basically lasted from 3-6 months. I don't think it was all Wonder Weeks -- he had some big growth spurts and physical developments like rolling in there as well, but I don't know when one thing began and another started.

I've never done any form of sleep training, not even the gentlest methods. He started to sleep well on his own without me doing anything different -- and this was after he was waking every 1-2 hours at night for most of 3 months (there were occasional good nights, but not many).

Of course it didn't last because around 7 months he started developing separation anxiety, and now we're in the middle of the 9 month sleep regression. I'm hoping things will get better soon.

I just want to mention that even strong advocates/creators of CIO like Dr. Ferber and Dr. Weissbluth do not recommend CIO until the baby is 6 or 7 months old (maybe even older -- I can't remember exactly). I don't understand people who suggest it for such a young baby as yours -- even your ped?? I don't believe in CIO at all, but shouldn't your husband's friends at least follow the "guidelines"?

[friskykitty]

It will get better.  I too agree that CIO is not a good option given her age.  We continue to cosleep, nurse on demand.  My DS is 3.5 years old.  I would love for him to want to sleep on his own and not night nurse but that's just not where he is right now.

[LadyCatherine185]

((hugs)) I have had 2 bad sleepers, so I know how you feel mama! It especially got to me with my first DS, because I kept thinking "anytime now he will start sleeping better...." well, he never did (not on his own anyways) and around 19/20 months I nightweaned him. He went from waking every  hour, to sleeping 3-5 hours at a time. At almost 3 yo he still doesn't STTN, but only wakes 1-2 times and setlles back to sleep quickly.

My DS2 is also a bad sleeper, on the nights he wakes every hour or two and nurses back to sleep.. well.. those are our GOOD nights. :-/ But he has a lot of digestive issues (reflux, food sensitivities) and those keep him from sleeping. He is also really sensitive to teething, and sleeps really bad when cutting a tooth. BUT, since I have come out on the other side once before, I know this is a short time and I can make it another 6 months or so before I can start nightweaning. (NW'ing is not recommended until baby is 12 months of age) The first year is sort of "survival mode" for sleep.. do what works (cosleeping, nursing through the night, etc) and sleep when you can (go to bed early, take naps with baby, etc).. after 12 months, baby can understand more and nightweaning can be done without a lot of tears (there were NONE with my DS1 though he was a little older and very verbal) and they can get more calories from solids during the day so that they don't need them through the night, etc.

hang in there, it gets easier and you will sleep again one day! :)

[sarahusesthis]

How many times does he nurse at night? My son is 11 months and I can't see him giving up night nursing any time soon. He is up5 times/night

Originally Posted by friskykitty 

It will get better.  I too agree that CIO is not a good option given her age.  We continue to cosleep, nurse on demand.  My DS is 3.5 years old.  I would love for him to want to sleep on his own and not night nurse but that's just not where he is right now.

[cww]

Just thought I'd update.  Was just about to post on Thursday about how much better she was sleeping (we actually got 6 hours straight one night), as she had been waking no more than 2-3 times per night for a few weeks, with maybe one exception, but then for the last four nights she has started a repeated waking marathon - one night it was every 15 minutes.  It seems that once she starts this, it helps for us to do something that gets her out of bed - change her diaper, move her to the car seat, put her on the play mat for 15 min.  Maybe it is just coincidence, but if she wakes repeatedly and we do something like that, it seems to get her to sleep for at least a few hours instead of waking every 15 min.  I swear she has radar - the last four nights, right after I went to sleep, she woke up and did the repeated waking thing (even if she had been sleeping for 2 h solid before I went to sleep!). 

So I guess it is one step forward, two steps back.  I'm just hoping this sleep regression doesn't last too long...