I need help with my 4yo - clingy, violent, no longer verbalizing needs

[InMediasRes]

I'm running out of ideas with my 4yo. He has been driving everyone up a wall the last few weeks.

He has always been a tough kid. Never sits still, is constantly in need of some sort of stimulation. He has high anxiety, gets frustrated really easily, etc. We had him evaluated by EI for developmental delays, but he didn't qualify for any services. We've since had about 5 sessions of play therapy for anxiety and learning to voice his feelings and calm down effectively, which worked pretty well when we did it and for a few months afterward. But he is back tracking big time right now. He's back to about where we were just before he turned 3.

The violence is the worst. He is constantly hitting, pushing, kicking, squeezing, throwing things, intentionally mess-making, and doing things to me with that "What are you going to do about it *this* time because *I know* this is against the rules" face. A few nights ago, he was changing into his pjs and started trying to rub his penis on my arm. When I told him to stop in a stern voice, he tried to do it again. I said "STOP, DS, that really bothers me." He smacked me HARD across the face. Sometimes he will just spontaneously punch me in the stomach with absolutely no provocation. He will then tell me that he is happy and nothing is bothering him.

He was getting a lot better about telling me when something was bothering him, but now he resorts to violence immediately, before he has even said anything about what is wrong. If he wants a toy his sister has, he doesn't even ask for it, he just hits her on the head or throws a hard toy at her. I'm exhausted because I have him under constant supervision and he has been overly clingy and wanting me to play with him non-stop and entertain him all day for weeks now.

We are a gentle discipline family. I have never ever ever hit him. He doesn't watch anything violent on TV. The weather is nice lately, so he has been getting a lot of time outside. When he does something violent, I tell him he needs to take a break, and then we go over the whole "How did you feel?" "What do you do when you feel that way?" "Please ask me for help if you are frustrated and be gentle with me/your sister/you friend". Talking to him about it is doing absolutely nothing. 

The only things I can come up with are the following:

He has been spending a lot more time with other kids, which has been stressful for him in the past. He always says he wants to go play with the neighborhood kids, but I wonder if the social exposure is stressing him out (he is not good at changes or unpredictable behavior). 

He seems to have environmental allergies, is constantly sneezing/blowing his nose/rubbing his eyes. He seems more tired than usual, but I can't figure out if that is because he is playing outside more, or if it's because his quality of sleep is impaired by the congestion. He has always been a terrible sleeper anyhow.

We are talking about moving to a new house, but absolutely nothing has happened yet. We are only in the planning stages. We have also been talking about "when he goes to school" since he will be attending preschool this fall. Most of the questions are initiated by him, though, and I haven't been talking to him about it obsessively. He has asked me if we will still get to see his friends after we move (we will, but not as much).

He has a lot of really big questions lately. Questions about God, death/dying, violence and danger seem to be on his mind a lot. I try my best not to dwell on these topics, obviously, but I give him age appropriate answers when he asks. 

Help! I'm tired of getting beaten up all day long, and I'm running out of any understanding for him.

[poetlizabeth]

  I really wish I had more suggestions. I know he didn't qualify for Early Intervention services but it would not hurt to have him evaluated by the public schools, now that he is over three. They may have suggestions that would help or he may qualify for services such as speech and language or a preschool program.

  It sounds like you are being consistent with him and I hope things get better soon. In the mean time, I hope he can get some relief with allergies and congestion. Has he been to an allergist?

A homeopathic doctor may be even more helpful. Best of luck!

[Dukey25]

He sounds a lot like my DD. She is not as violent but she will do whatever behavior will push your buttons. She will scream when the baby is sleeping, throw things, dump clean laundry etc. A turning point for me was when I found she could deal with frustration in a socially acceptable way at school but at home she tantrums. I know that transition and anxiety are triggers for my daughter so I try to minimize that. I try to predict changes to the schedule and routine and prep her for them. I also talk to her about her "outbursts" when she is calm but mostly in an active way like what can you do differently instead of screaming etc what can you do to calm yourself down etc. I have found the scream free parenting website to be helpful in coming up with ideas. http://www.screamfree.com/site/PageServer I haven't bought anything from them but I like their tips etc.

If your son is like my dd I would talk about the death/dying etc concerns he has until he feels settled. My dd freaked after seeing wizard of oz about twisters and we had to discuss the matter endlessly until she felt safe that where we live that wasn't an issue. For dangers that are real we talk about what to do in detail so that she feels safe simply telling her not to worry doesn't help her and makes her feel more scared and unsure.

[MomtoDandJ]

Maybe doing things to help his learn empathy would be productive... like reading books and talking about other character's feelings.  Or watching tv and talking about the characters feelings.  Is it possible he lacks the ability to fully express his emotions and that's why he's acting out?  Could it be that he just can't fully express everything he's feeling?  You wrote that he's been asking a lot of "tough" questions so it seems he's pretty intelligent.  Maybe his language skills just haven't caught up?  There are a lot of "emotions worksheets" on line that might help get your child talking.  There are a lot, I just linked the ones I've used before.  I like these because since it's fill-in-the-blank you can encourage your child to really talk.  What does you think this person is feeling?  Is there another word you could use?  What do you think will help him to feel better?  Etc.

All that said, it sounds like you're handling it really well and that you're patient beyond belief.  I know it's hard! :)

[SweetSilver]

Wow! This was my DD in a nutshell, though not quite so extreme.  The symptoms showed up around 3 1/2.  At first, I thought it was behavioral, because we mostly skipped the terrible twos.

The culprit?

WHEAT ALLERGY!!!!!

Hell, yes, violence and inability to find words, short temper, got upset and teary-eyed easily, had a hard time maintaining energy and usually broke down and went to the couch--her safe place--with demands to read (a calming activity for her.)  Wheat did NOT show up on her 2yo skin prick test, only dairy and shellfish.  Not nuts, either, even though I knew she had an almond allergy.  I think she had an allergy the whole time because of the condition of her stool, but the symptoms like your son's didn't show up until much later.  

     Wheat gone.  Night and day.  

     I'm not saying that wheat is your son's problem, but i strongly suspect a food allergy, because you could have been describing my daughter at that age.  Ever since, I've wondered how many kids in prisons could have a unidentified food allergy that manifests as violent and nonverbal behavior.

     I am serious--get your son to an allergist.  Skin pricks can be wishy-washy, but the two control tests they do should indicate whether this method works for your son.  If you don't get reactions, go on an elimination diet.  First wheat, eggs, nuts, peanuts, fish and shellfish.  Soy, peas, corn, chicken and beef next if you don't get definitive results.  Don't ignore less common allergens--both DD and I are allergic to rice and almonds and buckwheat, and I am also allergic to oats and lentils and sesame and lamb.

     Lethargy, headaches, panic attacks, confusion, frequent urination are all symptoms of allergies as well as the more well-known swelling and hives.

Good luck.