Family Rant

[UnboxableMom]

Grumble, gripe, grouch.

I'm 29 weeks pregnant.I'm still making my decision about how we're going to do the birth- that is, my husband and I are still discussing our options and making the decision together. However, I'm strongly leaning towards a UC.

Here are my options:

1. The OB practice that delivered my oldest. The OB who delivered him is no longer there, but it would be the same practice. It was a horrible experience, with a bossy doctor who rushed through interventions without notice. I didn't know he was performing an episiotomy until after I'd said "What are you cutting?" and he'd answered "You." Again, he's no longer there, but I'm uncomfortable with the practice even now, nine years later. This would also mean delivering at the same hospital, where the nurses were rude and rough and wouldn't allow my baby to be in my room if I was sleeping. Thirty minutes away.

2. The next nearest OB. Very pushy. These were the ones who told me they couldn't take my word on date of conception (never minding that my then-military husband was in Afghanistan up until days before conception, and out of the state doing the last minute getting-out-of-the-military stuff immediately after, and there is absolutely no question- there was a three day window in which we could've conceived, and that is that) and that the only way to establish due date and begin care with them was an internal ultrasound.  Forty to fifty minutes away assuming there's no traffic, but this is at the beach and we're talking late July, so assuming there's no traffic is a big NO.

3. The nearest midwife has a practice three hours away. I do not have an established relationship with her, but I have met some of her local (no longer practicing) colleagues, and there is a lot of emphasis on all this spiritual stuff, and transcendence, and getting in touch with your inner self, or whatever, and I'm a pretty big NO on all that. I'm afraid that she might come with all that too. Also, again, she's three hours away.

4. UC. My husband is pretty on board, and I have easy, short labors. One of the biggest factors here is that my labors so far have been under 5 hours with my first, about an hour and three quarters with my second, and about an hour fifteen minutes with my third. I have a notion that I might not make any of the hospitals in time to have my fourth. Also, I hate hospital labor, and doctors, and all of that, and am a pretty private person, who'd probably rather labor without anyone present anyway, but you see now why I feel the need to mention time/distance for each option.

Now, those are the factors in the delivery. In the meantime, there's the pregnancy. Here's what's up so far: My husband and I got married as soon as he got back from Afghanistan, too, so pretty much the same time we got pregnant. So I was covered on his army insurance for about a month before he got his final discharge papers. The insurance took about three weeks of that to approve the OB visit, so we figured we'd go the one visit, just to let them reassure us everything was going right and baby appeared healthy and all. Even though I disliked the pushy OB practice, I figured they could do a quick (external!) ultrasound peek at the baby and basic bloodwork as well as anyone, so I might as well have the peace of mind of knowing all was healthy.  It was.

My husband has *just* taken another job, so in the meantime, there was no insurance. I definitely did not mind not going in for monthly pokes and prods from doctors. We'll be signing up for insurance through his job this week.  And then I'll have to settle on my option for birth. If I UC, I'll preregister at one of the hospitals just in case. (I've talked about this in another thread.)

Anyway, to get to the ranting part, ARGH!

My mom is at me to 'get your butt to a doctor'. I can't shut her up. She won't leave me alone. She has had NINE pregnancies herself. She can't possibly think this is a dangerous situation. I'm not sick. I don't need a doctor. I don't need healing. I don't need observation or intervention. I also don't need someone to say "Everything seem alright? Still not doing any drugs or drinking or anything? Not had any problems? Okay, pay at the desk and come back in a month."

Now she's texting at me, going on about how if I don't "get [my] butt to a doctor" 'they' (the hospital) will turn me away. She insists if I show up, in labor, and am not preregistered and don't have a doctor, they "won't let [me] in". Okay, supposing for a moment that I do go hospital, either because I get scared at the last moment, or because something seems wrong to me, or even if I just decided it was what I wanted,

#1, I have nine weeks yet to preregister. (My babies have all come at about 38 weeks.)

#2, No way in hell are they going to turn away a woman in labor, even if I'd never seen a doctor. (My mom says "Oh yes they will!")

#3, I HAVE seen a doctor. So there's no reason I can't name that doctor as the one I'd seen. I've seen him. If I don't see him again before the birth, he's still a doctor I've seen during this pregnancy.

#4, I still have 9 more weeks for any doctor-seeing I feel a need to do. There is no urgency to rush out and see one right now.

And that's all pretending/assuming that I need doctors or hospitals to have a baby. Realistically, what reason is there for me to not just do this by myself? And realistically, what is a doctor going to do for me this week? What is he going to do that's so important that I really need to see him? What the heck is she so fired up and urgent about?

[elevena true]

     mama, it sounds like you really know where you sit and feel comfortable there. you have faith in your body, and have birthed babies before. you have the support of your husband, who is onboard with the possibility of uc or however the birth of your baby pans out. you seem quite clear in your "options" that none of them feel right for you.

     if it is only the constant nagging of your mother that is getting to you, my best suggestion would be to let her know that you have seen a doctor, and are not looking to discuss the "medical" aspect of baby with her. lie, if you feel comfortable, and tell her about a recent pre-natal that you went to. ultimately, it really is only her business what you choose to share with her, and sometimes just hushing up the ones who are on your back is the best way to go.

      wishing you peace in further interactions with your mother......you certainly don't need the stress.

       on a side note, we must be very close in our "due" dates, as i am 29 weeks today. :) looking forward to meeting this wiggly babe on the outside!

[accountclosed3]

might just need to remind your mother that you are a grown woman and "everything is taken care of, everything is fine." and even "i  certainly don't need you to police me" which worked for my MIL. 

[syn_ack89]

Federal law (EMTALA) means that no one is turned away from the ER. So you can say that it is illegal for the hospital to turn you away if you show up there. Best part...it's true. She can read about it on wikipedia if she wants to learn more.

[yogamomma7]

Not sure where she lives in relation to you. It's easier if they are farther away and not supportive. But I think the best advice is as above - just tell her, that your body does a good job birthing babies, and you have and have read the emergency handbook for birth (if not get one so you can tell the truth), and I am doing what I think is best. So it's not open for discussion any more.

[UnboxableMom]

She is two blocks from me, and because I cannot find a job, and we were not approved for a loan recently, I am living in a house that belongs to her (my grandmother's house; my grandmother passed away a year and a half ago). So she feels like I'm dependent on her, and that that gives her a right to a degree of control over things.

Not to mention, she lives two blocks from me in a town with a population in three digits- it would be the nearest thing to impossible to keep anything from her. Telling her it's none of her business is apt to provoke her into passing the word along to others that I 'need some encouragement' to 'do the right thing' and find a doctor.

I only have another 8.5 weeks or so now. (My older three all came at about 38 weeks.) I can get through this...I can. But it can be so frustrating.

[ElizabethE]

That's an awkward position to be in, eh Mama? :/

Look, if all else fails, lie. Self-preservation is the most important thing. If I felt backed into a corner, I would do what I had to do to ensure that I have the safest and calmest environment possible. I wouldn't want you to sacrifice or suffer just because you're in an unfortunate position right now.

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by ElizabethE 

Look, if all else fails, lie. Self-preservation is the most important thing. If I felt backed into a corner, I would do what I had to do to ensure that I have the safest and calmest environment possible. I wouldn't want you to sacrifice or suffer just because you're in an unfortunate position right now.

I would be likely to lie in your position, if you can.  Or I would meet with the midwife and then if I chose not to hire her still just use her as my excuse.  I saw a midwife once this pregnancy and I continue to refer to her as my midwife when necessary, even though I didn't hire her.

[hereyes]

Originally Posted by ElizabethE 

Look, if all else fails, lie. Self-preservation is the most important thing. If I felt backed into a corner, I would do what I had to do to ensure that I have the safest and calmest environment possible. I wouldn't want you to sacrifice or suffer just because you're in an unfortunate position right now.

  I sacrificed and gave my unsupportive husband the birth that he (and his mother) wanted...and I have suffered every day since then because of that decision. You sound like you know what you want to do and your husband is on board. That is all you need to know (well, not all, of course, but you catch my drift).

Also, just because she's offered a home to you and yours does not make you dependent on her and she shouldn't have any degree of control over anything other than maybe changing the paint scheme in the house :P ... it's odd that she's willing to support you in one manner when it comes to your family and not the other. Best of luck to ya!

[ElizabethE]

Originally Posted by hereyes 

  I sacrificed and gave my unsupportive husband the birth that he (and his mother) wanted...and I have suffered every day since then because of that decision.

    

[moonfirefaery]

It is against the law in America for a hospital to refuse emergency treatment to a laboring mother, regardless of the circumstances. ERs must provide life-saving, stabilizing treatment even if there is no insurance, no preregistration, etc; this includes delivering the baby. I would tell her that and stick to your guns.

[yogamomma7]

Hmm....well, another alternative is to see a midwife or doc, and just stay home when baby comes. If your babes come fast, then she wouldn't even need to know you were in labor until baby is born. :)

With my second, I really wanted a UC and honestly in the town I was in, it was really the only option as well. Before my husband was on board with me, I was planning on having my baby in the forest alone. So I don't know how things feel regarding your home environment; you might want to just have an alternative location (besides home) to birth in case you feel like home is too "public", given your circumstances. Just have a plan.

[UnboxableMom]

The other issue is, we don't have insurance right now, and it takes thirty days for medicaid to get approved. At which point it would pay for only half of the midwife.

So I'm putting it in tomorrow, but that still leaves thirty days of listening to her.

I am not capable of lying convincingly, and in a town of 800 people, it's not like she doesn't know everything that goes on. If we go out of town, she knows. If we don't, she knows. She knows people where my husband works and everyone who works at the Medicaid office, so she knows that when so-and-so came and picked up her child at school (my mom's a teacher) the other day, she asked how I was doing or when I was due or some other friendly comment, and that if I'd been in her office this week she wouldn't be asking that. She knows that when she sat next to one of the local clinic nurses at the baseball game on Saturday and they talked about kids and grandkids, the nurse didn't comment that she'd just seen my mom's oldest daughter recently, and that means I haven't been at the clinic. When I got pulled over one day a month ago, she knew about it before I got home. It's just that kind of town.

And the nearest midwife is still 3 hours away and I just cannot afford that sort of trip for nothing but to get my mom off my back. (Not that it would- she's already expressed disapproval of midwives anyway.)

So really, it's either insurance and doctor, or ignore her, and she makes ignoring hard.

She showed up at my oldest son's baseball game yesterday and went into telling me all the things that 'are' going to go wrong with this pregnancy/delivery/baby.

Apparently,

#1. It's going to weight '9 or 12' pounds and I'm 'going to have trouble'.

#2. Everyone has problems with their third and since I didn't I'll have problems with this one instead.

#3. What if something's wrong with him? I'd better get to a doctor. (She still can't tell me what it is that could be wrong that a doctor could do anything about at this point.)

#4. Since I didn't have a c-section with my third, I will this time. (She had a c-section with her third, because he was breech, and this in her mind translates to 'third baby = c-section.)

And I can't even remember what all else. I kept telling her that she was being illogical as well as unhelpful, and that negativity isnot what I need. Then she announced out of nowhere "I mean, I'll deliver him if I have to but I don't want to!" like somebody wants her involved at a vulnerable time like labor anyway. For sure no one asked or invited her..

[ElizabethE]

Some responses in blue. :)

Originally Posted by UnboxableMom 

The other issue is, we don't have insurance right now, and it takes thirty days for medicaid to get approved. At which point it would pay for only half of the midwife.  I guess it may vary by state, but.... call BS-- I've been on medicaid twice with midwives, and was fully covered both times, AND they rush the process for pregnant women (no long waits). Check into this again if you can, mama. Remember, pregnancy is a disease. ;)

So I'm putting it in tomorrow, but that still leaves thirty days of listening to her.

I am not capable of lying convincingly, and in a town of 800 people, it's not like she doesn't know everything that goes on. If we go out of town, she knows. If we don't, she knows. She knows people where my husband works and everyone who works at the Medicaid office, so she knows that when so-and-so came and picked up her child at school (my mom's a teacher) the other day, she asked how I was doing or when I was due or some other friendly comment, and that if I'd been in her office this week she wouldn't be asking that. She knows that when she sat next to one of the local clinic nurses at the baseball game on Saturday and they talked about kids and grandkids, the nurse didn't comment that she'd just seen my mom's oldest daughter recently, and that means I haven't been at the clinic. When I got pulled over one day a month ago, she knew about it before I got home. It's just that kind of town.

And the nearest midwife is still 3 hours away and I just cannot afford that sort of trip for nothing but to get my mom off my back. (Not that it would- she's already expressed disapproval of midwives anyway.)

So really, it's either insurance and doctor, or ignore her, and she makes ignoring hard.

Maybe play the game a little. Do some doctor visits, just to placate people.

She showed up at my oldest son's baseball game yesterday and went into telling me all the things that 'are' going to go wrong with this pregnancy/delivery/baby. (sigh) Isn't there a way you can just put your foot down and shock her into compliance? I know that seems unlikely but your situation is frustrating me into suggesting this. :)

Apparently,

#1. It's going to weight '9 or 12' pounds and I'm 'going to have trouble'.  Let her know that the weight of the baby doesn't indicate difficulty in labor since the circumference of the head is the hardest to pass, typically, so babies who are a little chubby are still as easy to pass as smaller ones. I know plenty of women who gave birth to babies that big vaginally, myself included.

#2. Everyone has problems with their third and since I didn't I'll have problems with this one instead. I didn't with my third, either. My third was my first UC and my best birth ever. In the face! I guess neither one of us qualified as the "everyone" she claims has trouble. Maybe we're special and magical?

#3. What if something's wrong with him? I'd better get to a doctor. (She still can't tell me what it is that could be wrong that a doctor could do anything about at this point.)  Do you know nothing is wrong with the baby? If so, tell her. If not... maybe while you're placating her at the doctor, you can get that information on whether or not the baby is fine and pass that along to her (unless she hears it somewhere else, first).

#4. Since I didn't have a c-section with my third, I will this time. (She had a c-section with her third, because he was breech, and this in her mind translates to 'third baby = c-section.) I don't think you can really argue with her if that is where she is at, logically... There is going to be no educating or pleasing her, I think.

And I can't even remember what all else. I kept telling her that she was being illogical as well as unhelpful, and that negativity isnot what I need. Then she announced out of nowhere "I mean, I'll deliver him if I have to but I don't want to!" like somebody wants her involved at a vulnerable time like labor anyway. For sure no one asked or invited her..

Oh, she does. She wants to be there. She wants you to ask for her help. Gulp. Don't do it.

[UnboxableMom]

Oh, she's had seven, so it's not like she has no experience, and there is definitely no talking logic with her. I'd as well try teaching my puppy how to use his wings.

I really hate to do the doctor thing- I'm not sick. The kid was fine at the ultrasound two months ago. He's moving and active and I'm healthy and well. It sucks to do the doctor thing just to placate her.

As for the midwife, I don't know what the state law calls for, but the nearest one to me, the one who is still three hours away, has on her website's payment information that half the cost can be charged to medicaid and that the rest is out of pocket. Whether that's her policy or state policy, it hardly matters since that's the only midwife even potentially possible. And really she isn't possible either- three hours is way too much.

"Everyone" and "we" are words she uses to mean herself. "We" have terrible allergies so I shouldn't use perfumes or scented candles. "We" are allergic to onions and most other spices and seasonings, so I should avoid them. "We" are allergic to so many plants and things that I'd best not have a real Christmas tree. And so on. And yet.....*I* am not allergic to any of those things.  All those things are fine with me. But "we" is the word. So it's no wonder that pregnancy is the same way.....well, except she always had easy pregnancies and deliveries, and knows I do too.

And even so, I have to wait thirty days for the, ah, not very nice lady, at the medicaid office to process my application, and she will take every second of her allotted thirty days to do it, because she and I had a personality clash last year when I asked her about the legality of her sign in her office, which, in Spanish only, informs clients that if they want to nurse their children they should go to the bathroom or their cars. (It's also misspelled- 'please' is 'por favor' not 'por vafor'.) (And yes it's still there despite that.)

Edited to add, I'm not even sure doing the doctor thing will help, since I had standard prenatal care with my other three pregnancies and still heard just as much crap from her.

[EngineeringMama]

Wow, mama. read your thread and pretend it's a strange. What would you say? I'd bet you'd say. Tell your mom to take a hike!

Now I know that's difficult, but really, it appears to be the only way to go at this point. The history and illogical and idiotic arguments she has indicates she won't change. She's been controlling you for your entire life and that's not going to stop. You've said a number of times nothing you do will make her happy. See the doctor and she'll still complain.

So really, the only answer is to tell her you're done listening to her scare tactics. That you won't discuss this child's birth or pregnancy with her and move on. Again very very hard with a manipulative woman like this but you've got to grow up and stop letting mommy run you life. Stop making excuses for why you let her do it, it's a small town, people know your business but that doesn't mean you need to listen to her junk and let her dictate your life. The medicaid lady is going to get back at you for questioning her, so therefore it will take 30 days to get your paperwork through. Read you thread again and see how often you play the victim, victim to your mom, victim to your circumstances and then start working towards not being the victim. Your children will appreciate it.

[UnboxableMom]

I'm pretty sure I've said clearly that my husband and I are making the decisions for what we will do, and that the problem with her is simply that I always have to *hear it* from her, not that she is making any decisions. If you've seen otherwise, you might be the one who needs to re-read.

All comments about the difficulty in the doctor and midwife and insurance and medicaid situation have been as a response to the idea that I should do that stuff because it might shut her up- a matter of pointing out that that stuff is all a bit too full of complications to be doing for no better reason than that.

I've also said that pretty much the way it is, is, she isn't going to shut up, and all I have to do is not let the stuff she says affect me- it's just another 8 weeks or so. But it helps a little to be able to rant about it some.

[ElizabethE]

Well, sorry you're in such a yucky position then, and hang in there.

[Mittsy]

Have you considered a doula? I would tell my mom the doula is a medical professional, or have your dh tell her if he's a better fibber. That might put her at ease. Or, you could just say you're "interviewing OB's" but haven't found one yet because your really picky.... and then have your *oops I couldn't make it to the hospital in time* UC;)

If all else fails, would ignoring her, or having your dh lay it on the line for her, or even possibly moving be a option? I would not be willing to let someone talk me into a birthing experience I didn't want, regardless of who it is or the circumstances(unless life threatening of course).

Of course if this were me I would be telling mom "MY birth, MY body, MY baby. I appreciate your concerns and am taking them to heart, but I am having this baby and NOT you, so I get the final say. If you don't like that we will be happy to inform you AFTER the baby is born when you can come over."

[ElizabethE]

If she's not even okay with a midwife, I doubt she'd care for a doula. Even if the implication is that a doula is a "pro", so is a midwife-- but neither are doctors. You might as well just tell her the doula is a doc who makes house calls.