Family Rant - Page 2

[UnboxableMom]

We'll definitely go with the birthing options that suit us, and not change them for her. I do worry about her *scaring* me into changing my mind, which is why I haven't told her I am thinking in the homebirth direction.

I actually may have found a nearer midwife today! She's a CPM, and my state does not recognize CPMs and likes to do things like arresting them for practicing medicine without a license, and I assume that's why I haven't heard of her before now.

I started calling every midwife I could find listed in the state, starting with those nearest me. (Three hours, three and a half hours, four hours away.) Finally one of them said that she knows someone who practices nearer me but that she doesn't give out her name and number since she's a CPM, but that she would give my name and number to the woman.

So now it's a waiting game and hoping she calls, and even if she does, she's two hours away, and there's still a matter of hoping she and I click and that I can work with her, and hoping that if we work anything out she can get here in time, and hoping we can afford her since you probably can't exactly bill medicaid if you're flying under the radar, but it may be a chance.

If so, it'd bridge the gap- I would have someone to keep reminding me that my body can do this thing, even when my mom goes out of her way to convince me it can't, basically. I'd have the reassurance of having someone there, to know that I would not panic, because that's probably my greatest fear- panicking, thinking I can't do it, and ending up at one of the hospitals I hate having the birth I don't want. (One of the two hospitals an hour away was where I had my very negative experience with my first birth, with very rude harsh staff who did things first and told the laboring scared 18yo kid after, and the other has a c-section rate near 50%.)

Which is why my mom is bothering me so bad- I'm afraid she's going to manage to scare me. So having a midwife might just bridge the gap and help me not be scared...

[moonfirefaery]

So having a midwife might just bridge the gap and help me not be scared...

 That's why people have recommended it :) It would help your mom be less scared, too. Maybe just have her on call, or waiting outside, or something? I know you don't want to give in to your mom and alter your plan for her fears, but maybe you could just find a way to humor her without compromising too much. This way she won't worry as much anymore and will stop passing her fears onto you.

[ElizabethE]

This is an option, but I really believe in the possibility of conquering those fears. Obviously not those of your mother... that's not really something you can do for her. Stress, and worry, and fear... those are the enemies here (of birth, or even life).

Find and do whatever you are comfortable with, but if there isn't any one perfect answer that would resolve any and all anxiety, you might as well shoot for the moon and work on dissolving whatever those obstacles are.

[UnboxableMom]

A midwife would definitely be for my peace of mind, not my mom's. It would not make her any happier at all.

Moot point since the woman called and told me she's overbooked for July and can't do it anyway.

On the other hand, some of the stuff she told me about what complications are most likely and how unlikely even those are, made me feel a lot better about the idea of doing it UC.

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by ElizabethE 

Some responses in blue. :)

Oh, she does. She wants to be there. She wants you to ask for her help. Gulp. Don't do it.

My third baby was an amazing, problem free water  birth.  I'm special and magical too!!!  

[UnboxableMom]

So, here are a couple of questions I find myself with now:

The midwife said the two most likely problems that could arise that would be an 'emergency' (in that I mightn't be able to get help in time if I needed it; while any other problems would come up with enough time to get to the ER) are shoulder dystocia and too-heavy bleeding.

Now, she said that those are also highly unlikely, but that they are the two that are the *most* likely.

I have read up a little now on shoulder dystocia, and I really don't foresee that being a likely problem. The people most likely to have it, they say, are people who are overweight, have larger babies, or have had incidents of shoulder dystocia before, and none of those is me. Then they say if it does happen, mom is asked to stop pushing and lie on her back and pull her knees up, and a little pressure is applied above the pelvic bone to dislodge the shoulder.

Anything else I should know in case of that eventuality?

Second, the bleeding. I've seen several 'UC supply list' type things that suggest having 'herbs for postpartum bleeding'. What are these herbs, and how are they used? How would I know if the bleeding was 'too much', and what does one do? The midwife's words about that were '..and then it's a matter of your partner knowing how to keep the bleeding to a minimum until emergency help arrived'. What should my husband know for that?

And third, are there any other 'emergency' situations you recommend being prepared for, and how?

I really don't think I'll have any problems, but if any do arise, I do want to be prepared for them.

[zoebird]

There's plenty of information on how to handle SD, so I'm sure you'll find that.

Also, the normal amount of blood is about two cups. It actually doesn't look like much (or my husband didn't think that it did), or maybe I didn't bleed even 2 cups worth, really. I'm not sure. But, most people get hemmorrhage from cord traction or some other problem with the placenta. So those causes are avoidable.

Otherwise, emergency childbirth should have a lot of valuable resources as well. :)

[moonfirefaery]

Please learn all you can about SD prevention and the maneuvers for resolving it as there are several. SD has been one of the most common causes of infant death during UCs in MDC's history from what I have seen.

As far as helpful herbs, Motherwort, Angelica, and Shepherd's Purse are helpful for relieving hemorrhage; Shepherd's Purse should be taken after the placenta is out. Rescue Remedy is rumored to be helpful for bleeding and shock. You may want to do more research to have other herbs on hand for other uses, but these are the most important. If you think you're bleeding too much, don't hesitate to take herbs, and call 911.

You will also need to learn how to handle things like the baby not breathing (take a neonatal resuscitation class; "regular CPR" does not work on a neonate) and cord prolapse (where the cord is coming out before the baby--put your legs above your head, bum in the air, and CALL 911! without hesitation)

There are many other emergency situations, and I would recommend you research and be prepared for them all. While unlikely our history has proven that they CAN happen--with disasterous results if we're unprepared. Also, my advice... if there's a life-threatening emergency such as these, call 911 as soon as you identify it, and do whatever you can to get through it until the EMTs arrive.

And the most important rule...follow your instincts--even if they are telling you to intervene.

[sapphire_chan]

What you need here is something to get the time off her hands. Some kind of huge project where every time she asks about the doctor thing you can say "it's covered, thanks, now what do you think about Big Project?" Let's see.... any chance she's a gardener? Or has been alternating her complaints about you with complaints about some other issue?

[mammamo]

Originally Posted by syn_ack89 

Federal law (EMTALA) means that no one is turned away from the ER. So you can say that it is illegal for the hospital to turn you away if you show up there. Best part...it's true. She can read about it on wikipedia if she wants to learn more.

and there's a sign in the emergency room that says, "if you are having a medical emergency or are in labor" we cannot turn you away.

[UnboxableMom]

Originally Posted by moonfirefaery 

Please learn all you can about SD prevention and the maneuvers for resolving it as there are several. SD has been one of the most common causes of infant death during UCs in MDC's history from what I have seen.

As far as helpful herbs, Motherwort, Angelica, and Shepherd's Purse are helpful for relieving hemorrhage; Shepherd's Purse should be taken after the placenta is out. Rescue Remedy is rumored to be helpful for bleeding and shock. You may want to do more research to have other herbs on hand for other uses, but these are the most important. If you think you're bleeding too much, don't hesitate to take herbs, and call 911.

You will also need to learn how to handle things like the baby not breathing (take a neonatal resuscitation class; "regular CPR" does not work on a neonate) and cord prolapse (where the cord is coming out before the baby--put your legs above your head, bum in the air, and CALL 911! without hesitation)

There are many other emergency situations, and I would recommend you research and be prepared for them all. While unlikely our history has proven that they CAN happen--with disasterous results if we're unprepared. Also, my advice... if there's a life-threatening emergency such as these, call 911 as soon as you identify it, and do whatever you can to get through it until the EMTs arrive.

And the most important rule...follow your instincts--even if they are telling you to intervene.

Thank you, I'll look into all of that.

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

What you need here is something to get the time off her hands. Some kind of huge project where every time she asks about the doctor thing you can say "it's covered, thanks, now what do you think about Big Project?" Let's see.... any chance she's a gardener? Or has been alternating her complaints about you with complaints about some other issue?

The thing is, you'd think she'd be quite busy. She still has four kids at home, a full-time and a part-time job, and four pieces of property she's managing. She should be plenty busy.

[UnboxableMom]

I tried again to talk to my mom today.

Lately she's been making all these jokes about *her* delivering the baby. Things like "Well I'll come around and deliver him if I have to, but I don't want to!" or when she asked me what doctor I was going to, I said "Oh, well we've seen ..." and named that one doctor we saw one time, months ago, rather than explain that we were unhappy with him and couldn't find another, and when she asked where we'd have the baby, instead of answering, I said "Well, that practice delivers at [hour-away-hospital]."  Meaning to tell me that I should go to [slightly-less-than-hour-away hospital, literally a few minutes difference] instead, she gave this long ramble about how we'd better stop by her house and pick her up, and while my husband drove to the hospital she could deliver the baby in the backseat.  I said gee, if you were gonna deliver him anyway, what do we need to go to the hospital for? and she said "Yeah, we'll just have him at your house, you've got the pool" (meaning a swimming pool in the yard, not a birthing pool, and certainly not serious.

Anyway, all this made me think I'd too harshly judged her. Maybe she was capable of thinking open-mindedly about an unassisted birth. Certainly she was bringing it up often enough.

So I tried to talk to her today as we ran some errands together. In my mind, it was going to go something like this:

Me: I wanted to find a midwife so badly. Too bad the nearest legal one is 3 hours away.

Her: What do you mean, legal one?

Me: [brief explanation of NC's extreme antimidwife laws]

Her: Well....what's the difference, if the other ones are just as qualified?

Me: None, and I talked to several who work 'under the table' so to speak, but none were available and willing. There were either distance or scheduling problems for all of them.

Her: Oh. So you're going to the hospital then.

Me: Well, we actually gave some consideration to having the baby at home without a midwife.

Her: Well, that's what women used to do.....

How it actually went:

Me: I really wanted a homebirth with a midwife. It upsets me that I couldn't find one near enough.

Her: That ought to be illegal!

Me: Wait, what?

Her: Going to somebody's house and delivering a baby! That ought to be against the law!

Me: Wha-why?

Her: What if the cord is wrapped around the neck or something?

Me: Well a midwife is trained to-

Her: It ought to be illegal!

After that, everything I tried to say, she'd either interrupt, talk over me, or walk away. So much for bringing her around.

[weliveintheforest]

I'm sorry she is not being supportive, it sucks.  At least you know where she stands though, and can do your best to avoid talking about it with her from now on.  I know how it can be hard not to feel like you can talk honestly about something as important as your birth with your mom. 

[freelancemom]

Ugh, that really sucks! My mother-in-law is very similar and we live on the same property as her. She gets very much into our lives, telling us we shouldn't have more children (I'm pregnant with #3 and she had 7). It's a lousy time to have clashes like this because you're trying to prepare for a relaxing birth and it sounds like nothing is going to please your mom. Do you think she might be jealous of the fact that you're having kids and she can't anymore and no longer has real control over any of her children? This might be her way of trying to feel like she still matters. Not that it helps you at all, but that may be where she's coming from.

[UnboxableMom]

It is probably very much an attempt to hold control- one of many.  She still has four children at home, and works hard to keep any control she can over the other three.