Husband lost job, feels like a failure. How can I help?

[MomTo2inCA]

I'm not sure if this is the right thread to start it in, but I really need to get some help and advice on this subject.

I am the mother of a 2 year old and an 8 month old.  In January, my husband lost his job very unexpectedly.  He had worked there for over 5 years, and came in, was told the owner sold the business, and was phased out within a matter of weeks.  With the economy the way it is, he has had problems finding a full time job.  He's currently temping, working long hours and taking less pay.  When he comes home, he has a very hard time even looking at our children, and he has told me it is because he feels as though he has failed them by not being able to provide. 

I have told him that I am not ashamed of him in any way, the situation is not his fault, and I have 100% faith that he will find a job soon.  While he is at work and my kids are napping, I help him by searching and for jobs online and sending his resume.  He's a wonderful man and a great father and it hurts me to see him this upset. I have just never seen him this defeated and hurt, it is getting worse, and I am wondering what I can say, do, or suggest in order to help him.

Thanks.

[DariusMom]

You sound like a wonderful wife and mother. I think helping him logistically by searching for jobs, reviewing his resume, helping him prep for any interviews that come down the line, and generally being compassionate and understanding are really all you can do.

My DH is going through something similar. Luckily, he's not out of a job yet, but has been pretty much told he needs to find something else soon. This is the 2nd time in 3 years this has happened, so we also have to evaluate if the career he's in (and loves) is really the best fit for him. He has ADD and is in a very detail-oriented profession .  .. not a good combi. So he's going through a hard time trying to reconcile what he knows; i.e. he needs to find another line of work with what he wants to do and be -- stay in this line of work. Anyway, his confidence has taken a real blow and it makes my heart hurt to see him feeling so down.

I've been helping him with his resume, reassuring him that he *will* find something else, strategizing with him, and sending him silly and cute emails and texts at work.

I hope your DH finds something good soon!

[t2009]

I'm sorry your family is going through a difficult time! But I think you are doing a great job supporting your husband.

On top of helping him find a new job, you might encourage him to reach out to his friends and family for support (or just distraction!). And also you might reach out to his friends & family to tell them your husband also needs their support. My uncle lost his job & was jobless for a long time. Then my dad lost his job. When he spoke to my uncle about it, my uncle told him that the thing that hurt him was that no one wanted to talk to him about it. He said he'd just have liked his friends & family to recognize the reality he was going through & not to avoid him or the topic just because they thought it was embarrassing or too hard to talk about. My dad really took that to heart & reached out when he needed to. ... After a while it was isolating for him & my mom to be the only ones going through the ordeal. (And don't be afraid to hint to your family that you'd like some free babysitting & a gift certificate to the movie theater!!)

Just my two cents... I know everyone's needs are different & family/friend dynamic are different as well... but this was just my family's experience with job loss.

Good luck!

[beebalmmama]

Originally Posted by t2009 

I'm sorry your family is going through a difficult time! But I think you are doing a great job supporting your husband.

On top of helping him find a new job, you might encourage him to reach out to his friends and family for support (or just distraction!). And also you might reach out to his friends & family to tell them your husband also needs their support. My uncle lost his job & was jobless for a long time. Then my dad lost his job. When he spoke to my uncle about it, my uncle told him that the thing that hurt him was that no one wanted to talk to him about it. He said he'd just have liked his friends & family to recognize the reality he was going through & not to avoid him or the topic just because they thought it was embarrassing or too hard to talk about. My dad really took that to heart & reached out when he needed to. ... After a while it was isolating for him & my mom to be the only ones going through the ordeal. (And don't be afraid to hint to your family that you'd like some free babysitting & a gift certificate to the movie theater!!)

Just my two cents... I know everyone's needs are different & family/friend dynamic are different as well... but this was just my family's experience with job loss.

Good luck!

I think this is a good point! I know my own family tends to shy away from talking about others "personal matters". But really you need the support of friends and family. It may depend on your family on how much support (even just emotional) they give, but it's worth being honest with them about your situation.

Otherwise I think your doing what you can to help him by being supportive and looking for opportunities.

[MomTo2inCA]

Thank you for your replies, I'm glad to see I'm not alone in this.   He does have some great friends who have been there for him,  the problem, I think, is that he feels so embarassed that I'm not sure he's talking to them about it and hasn't really seen much of them unless I really push him to go out.

His Dad has had depression issues all of his life and recommended that he go to a psychologist.  I think it can help, but I'm worried about making him feel like there's something wrong with him by suggesting it.

[Faither]

My DH was laid off about six months into our pregnancy. He has always worked part time (DJ) so he's always had something else to do that he enjoyed. But he is now our DD's primary care giver while I work full time outside the home. While it works for us I know that he has issues with no being able to provide more for us. I tell him that he's doing the best that he can with what he can and that our DD is proof of that. Maybe you can remind you DH that he is "working with what he has" and that's really all that's needed. No one is superman and I think it's hard for people who are used to doing everything to remember that some days.

You sound like a very supportive person and are also doing a great job. maybe encourage him to get out of the house one night. I know when my DH is having a bad week, that always cheers him up.

Good Luck!

[MomTo2inCA]

Thanks so much for the replies, everyone.    I've talked to his best friend, who says he is going to "kidnap" him once a week and make sure he gets out and has fun with the guys.  Hopefully they can give him some reassurance.