What did you say when you said you wanted a divorce? What was the response?

[fiona2359]

I've gotten my papers off to the lawyer and I am waiting for the settlement agreement draft to be returned to me. The day when I actually tell my husband that I want a divorce is fast approaching. I do know that I plan to tell him while he is away over the phone. (He is living with another woman where he is working. He doesn't know that I know.) I'm not sure what to say. I plan to call him immediately after the papers are served. I'm worried if I tell him before he will try to dodge out on the server.

Anyhow - what did you say? How did  it go? What would you do differently? What was the response?

Any advice or thoughts you have would be most appreciated. I expect/hope to be able to act no later than mid-June.

I feel very angry with him over what he has done to our family and his remarkably POOR decision making over the past year. However, I can't see that leading to a productive interaction with him. I'm actually not interested in having a discussion w/ him at all, though I will probably have to.

[AttunedMama]

Nah, you don't have to engage over it. And don't tell him you WANT a divorce, that treats it like it's still an option. Just file and do what you've got to do, unless you imagine talking with him to actually benefit the outcome WRT custody, etc.

[RollerCoasterMama]

If he's already moved and is cohabitating...I wouldn't think he'd be too surprised.  It's just the next logical step.  I'd just be calm and practical about it.

My situation was different.  But when I told him, he begged me to wait a year before filing.  In the moment, I agreed.  But I also said that waiting was contingent on him enlisting because I wasn't going to live like nothing was wrong for the next year.  He didn't enlist.  I moved out about 6 months later.  We filed the following summer.  It was about 13 months after our original conversation when our divorce was final.  The reason it took so long was because we were trying to sort out our house.  When the bank was still sitting on our short-sale offer 6 months later (the buyers were long gone by then) and our realtor contract was up, I just decided to file and get it done.  (It's been over a year now since the bank was willing to talk to us.  Officially the offer is still under consideration and the file changes owners every time anyone calls.  Glad we didn't wait around!!)

[Tofu the Geek]

Are you separated now? and he is living with someone else? or is it that you are still together and he works out of town and is cheating on you by living with someone else while at work?

If you're already separated, do you already have custody/visitation set up with the kids? I can't see him being surprised that divorce papers show up if you're already separated and have things arranged with the kids. Can you not just let the papers do the talking for you?

If he's cheating and still lives with you and the kids as well as the other woman, and thinks you are happily married, then that situation would likely need to be handled differently.

[doubledutch]

just have him served (as you plan to).  don't worry about calling him.  he'll call you, and he already knows why.  he doesn't know that you know, but he knows damn well, and he'll quickly figure out that he's been caught.

i like the point about not saying you *want* a divorce.  i'm divorcing you, it's over, you @#$%ed up, don't come home.  whatever you need to say to make it clear that this is not negotiable.

[sparklefairy]

You can probably just file and have him served. That will be fairly clear.

[fiona2359]

Thanks ladies!

Just to clarify: We are not separated. He is working in another state (he is in the military). I found out that he is living with another woman because someone tipped me off, basically. I then read all his texts messages one weekend while he was home, and it was clear what was going on. He still comes home 1-2x a month and wants to play happy married person with me. I do not play along. He has no idea that I know, but I've known since  early January. I've just been working all this time getting the lawyer, full time job, childcare, household repairs, etc. lined up. The marriage hasn't been good in many years, but this is the nail in the coffin for me. I would think that if he were attuned AT ALL he would wonder why I've been so cold and distant with him, but he doesn't, and doesn't seem to suspect that I might know what is going on.

Great point about not saying I want a divorce. I can just say I am filing for divorce.

Also good point that he will likely call me once the papers are served. I plan to have him served at his house, not at work. One of my bargaining chips is that because he is in the military he could face UCMJ action if his adultery is brought to the attention of his command. He is pretty high ranking, but I am well connected too with the military, so it is likely to not go well for him and not be ignored by the command. My thinking on calling him was to get a read on his response, since I don't want him to drive up (6 hours) to the house. I'd prefer that he never come back, personally. I will be changing the locks when I serve him.

Also good point that he would hopefully figure out WHY I am filing. You'd think he might already be wondering about such things, but apparently he doesn't. I think he sees himself as invulnervable, or something, since he doesn't even bother to delete his text message record on his phone.

He is scheduled to be back the weekend of Memorial Day and I am hoping that I will have the papers back form the lawyer very shortly after that, and file mid-June. The sooner the better as far as I am concerned. I have to get through that 4 day weekend - YUCK!

[sparklefairy]

Ewww -- can you plan a trip with the kids to visit your family or something? Or would that be too unusual?

[hillymum]

Check with a lawyer to see if you can change your locks. I did change mine, but found out I shouldn't have, and then sbx hit me so I got an EPO which meant that I could keep him out of the house.

Oh, and If you haven't worked for a good portion of your marrige do not get a job now!!!!

[fiona2359]

I was already working. My lawyer actually advised me to get my job up to full time. I also could not survive financially if I wasn't working. So, no choice on that one. I would be completely trapped if I wasn't wrorking and never able to leave. He is so unattuned that he hasn't realized I am working full tiem.

I will ask about the lock changing issue.

[StephandOwen]

We were engaged, not married, at the time. I left my engagement ring on the counter, along with a note telling him to contact me if he wanted to see ds. I moved all of mine and ds's stuff out of the apartment before ex got home. It was pretty clear that there was no room for negotiation.

Of course, I dont necessarily suggest that approach for everyone

I would have him served and let him contact u if he wants. Theres no reason for u to call him. I wouldnt change the locks without asking your lawyer first.