Dreaming of a beautiful home/daily routine....overwhelmed by the reality - Page 2

[waiting2bemommy]

I'm so glad I found this thread. I was just siting here on the couch feeling awful because I also feel like I'm giving my kids a sub par experience.

I have this vision in my head of a clean house, three meals cooked from scratch, my kids wearing matching clothes, my hair and dd's hair done, and me sitting with the kids doing various open ended art projects. The worst part is that sometimes I *do* have days like that and when they happen I think "oh this is easy" but then it all goes haywire again and I can't get back on track.

Right now I'm nauseous and sick from morning til night. I can barely eat anything that won't send me running to throw up so I'm weak and tired all the time from no eating much. On good days I try to do things with the kids.....yesterday we made finger paint and did that outside for a while, and then wen SO came home from work at 1 AM I baked him some lemon bars. But I didn't get any laundry done, I haven't cleaned the bathroom except to empty the trash, there are constantly dishes in the sink, and we won't even get into the nutritional state of my kids' meals and snacks. I feel so guilty not giving ds the routine that he needs to thrive. I feel awful because every time I get up, I feel like puking so I've taken to asking him to get his sister a drink or a piece of fruit, or to plug this in or throw that away.

It does help that my SO is understanding because I'm pregnant. He used to tell me "my mother kept her house clean with 5 kids, why can't you?" He forgets that the oldest 3 were teenagers when he was born, and that his mom never once in his life did an art project with him, or really much of anything with him. She didn't shuttle him to story time and toddler classes and take him on an outing every single weekend. she provided food and a clean house but no "extras". Different parenting style. Luckily he sees that our kids are happy and thriving in a somewhat messy house with a disorganized but happy mom. But I still feel so guilty when he comes home at 1 AM and I'm asleep (because I have to get up in the morning with the kids) but the house is wrecked.

My goal today is to get the house in order. No art/fun stuff today. We'll see if it happens.

[insidevoice]

My dishes need to be done.

My laundry is half done. 

Some of dinner is started- the part in the crock pot. 

The living room is a wreck in need of a good clean.  

I won't even get into the state of my floors.  Let's just say that the two second rule would result in a biohazard. 

My oldest child spent half an hour in tears because she was in trouble. 

The younger kids are supposed to be napping.  One is, the other is chattering at me and will continue to do so until I go pick him up. I'll let him watch PBS kids while I finish the dishes and toss the rest of dinner together. 

I'm reading this and posting here instead of dealing with any of it.  I need the short reprieve, but then I feel guilty. 

Craft projects and baking are just NOT happening today, and unless my youngest actually falls asleep at a reasonable hour I don't have a prayer of getting the living room clean and the floor mopped. 

If I had kids who slept past 4-5am, I would get up before them and get things done.  My kids believe that the first light in the DISTANT sky is an alarm clock, I can't talk myself into a 3am wakeup to get things done so I can be super mom the rest of the day.  Usually though, things go a little more smoothly than they have for the past few weeks and I can fit in occasional SuperMomMoments.  Occasional. Before all heck breaks loose and the cookies we were making are dropped on the floor or the older toddler dumps glitter over his younger sibling's head.  But hey, it was an idyllic 30 seconds. 

[les_oiseau]

I feel this way all the time!  I think philomom had some great input with the expectations vs reality statement, that seems to be the issue for me and most of the other moms I know. There are so many things that are good and worthy to want to have in your kids lives, but it is completely unrealistic to feel like you have to provide them al.  I've gotten a little better at letting go but still judge myself pretty harshly.

My advice would be to stop putting so much presure on yourself.... get up early if that's what you want, I always have waaaay more energy if I get up early and stretch.... declutter, in an apartment pack up the things you don't have to keep out now but want to save for use later and cut down on things in general..... and then prioritize.   Instead of feeling bad for not baking with the kids more, choose to be ok with only having the time to bake one cake in a month, choose someone special's birthday and let your ds mix the cake and decorate it for them. Add momma time to the priority list. Don't worry so much about having a spotless home. It rarely happens when you have kids, even one.

[nd01]

I definitely agree with Shell.K - try the FlyLady, at the very least read her book Sink Reflections.  It changed my life.  6 years ago, I lived alone so it was a little different but my apartment was AWFUL.  Dirty, messy, and gross and I could never get incentive to clean.  I allowed no one but my boyfriend over.  Now, my life is different and my house is too - I couldn't have done it without FlyLady (the book and the facebook site) - I don't do it all but it is really something worth reading.  I have been there - it can be tough to get yourself out of the rut, but it is worth it!  You can definitely do it!

[waiting2bemommy]

Originally Posted by nd01 

I definitely agree with Shell.K - try the FlyLady, at the very least read her book Sink Reflections.  It changed my life.  6 years ago, I lived alone so it was a little different but my apartment was AWFUL.  Dirty, messy, and gross and I could never get incentive to clean.  I allowed no one but my boyfriend over.  Now, my life is different and my house is too - I couldn't have done it without FlyLady (the book and the facebook site) - I don't do it all but it is really something worth reading.  I have been there - it can be tough to get yourself out of the rut, but it is worth it!  You can definitely do it!

oh yeah...I forgot to mention that. Flylady is quite truthfully the ONLY reason that my house stays running. Even when I fall off the wagon a little bit, her mantras run through my head: "reboot the laundry....a load a day keeps chaos away." "Shine your sink." "Get dressed down to your shoes." And my favorite one, and the best motivator in the world for someone who has ADD and bouts of depression, along with morning sickness and a perfectionist streak. "You don't have to finish it all. Just set the timer and see how it goes." It's amazing how when you remove the expectations, you are actually freed to accomplish more. It seems counterintuitive, but ti really works.

[Dukey25]

I like to think of my life in moments. Some moments look like I have it all together, other moments look like I am on the verge of a breakdown. But the reality is a little of both it just depends on the snapshot you glimpse. Everything you see online is what someone wants you to see and doesn't necessarily represent their true reality. I find that when I reveal that I don't have it all together people around me do the same and then we can all relax and connect and learn from each other.

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by youngspiritmom 

I am feeling overwhelmed and just need a space to let it all out.

I love the mdc forums, researching parenting websites, reading parenting books, looking at photos of natural toys or play spaces, and dream of having a beautifully organized home with natural toys, a sense of peace and simplicity, little clutter, fresh food, beautiful plants etc. I dream of making bread with my toddler, doing crafts, playing outside for hours, and having a routine that includes these. I want to wake up early and start my day with a cup of tea, have a good breakfast ready for DH before he goes to work, and be ready for when my son wakes up.

My reality is so different. I sleep in. My toddler wakes me up and I find it hard to get out of bed. It usually hours before I get dressed, and our breakfast is basically little things to eat over the span of 2 hours. Our apartment seems to be so cluttered. There are always dishes in the sink, laundry hanging to dry, trash that needs to be taken out. Since we got a TV I find myself relying on it to entertain my toddler 2-3 times a day so I can "get things done." I waste time on the internet. My day lacks routine but instead, by the time everyone is dressed and fed, I feel like I have to get onto errands (calling the phone company, returning a phone call, running to the dry cleaners, the gym, picking up my little sister from school, schedule appointments). I feel so lazy, and yet I feel like I am constantly busy!

I just feel so defeated. I feel that there are other moms who have achieved a peaceful home and peaceful day and are truly doing enriching things with their kids. I feel like I just cannot get there. I try to declutter, think of new ideas, etc. but I feel too overwhelmed by to-do list items, lack of sleep, and clutter.

What's worse, I feel like my toddler is getting a sub-par experience because of my own inability.

Oh.  My.  Gosh.  I feel like I wrote this...lol.  Only, I have 3 kids, so I bet my clutter/mess is way worse.  *sigh*  I dream of exactly what you said... plus, I'd like to feel capable of homeschooling DS7 (previously attended public school for K &1st), but I just feel so disorganized.  I already feel like I'm constantly on the run... even though, at the end of the day, I feel like I didn't accomplish much.  I also feel lazy, because I sleep until I absolutely *have to* wake up (either my kids get up, or the little girl I babysit arrives).  That leaves me no time to take care of myself throughout the day, because I miss my chance to shower.  

Now I'll go read the other replies, and see what kind of suggestions were made!
 

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by JLomama 

I feel as though I could have written your post.  I feel this way a lot because I do have high expectations.  I know a lot of my friends look at me and think I have it all together when I'm dressed up at church, have my hair done, and makeup on.  But if they drop in any day of the week they will see the reality of my life!  I am at home with 3 boys; 4, 2 1/2, and 3 1/2 months. My middle child is extremely difficult and I find myself losing patience with him all the time.  He will be 3 soon and is still not potty trained and refuses, so I've pretty much given up. I'm tired of fighting with him and trying everything in the book only to have it fail.  I have dishes piled in my sink, laundry piled in the living room either waiting to be folded, or already folded and I haven't put it away yet (and usually more piles of laundry in the basement waiting to be washed), cloth diapers that really need a good soak, floors that haven't been mopped in probably a month, maybe longer, and every flat surface in my house is covered with clutter.  I think I look around every day and just groan.  Where to start??  And then there are the dusty curtains I should take down and wash, cobwebs on my ceiling fan and dining room light, etc etc.  The list goes on.  Besides the house work are all of those little projects that never get done like putting photos in albums (4 years later I'm still working on my oldest son's 1st year scrapbook).  But, if I focus on all of this I will surely go mad.  So I think of how far I've come since I got married.  I used to let dishes set for days, let the laundry pile up until there were no clean underwear and towels, and some days I would simply forget about supper.  I tend to be disorganized to begin with.  Now I find it a necessity to be somewhat organized by planning my meals for the next week or so (I live in the country so I try to make the most out of my trips to town), and know what I'm making for supper so I can thaw out meat or whatever.  I bake bread and do some canning (that reminds me; we have a very large garden that I don't have time to weed and last year the weeds were taller than me), but I'm no Martha Stewart.  And that's ok.  I think all of us moms have this guilt thing and we look at other women and think that they are perfect mothers and wives, but in truth they struggle as much as we do.  I am still in my pajamas at 1:00 pm, my hair is a mess and I still have makeup on from yesterday (I had to see the chiropractor, otherwise I wouldn't be wearing any at all).  I should be doing my workout DVD to get back in shape after having a c section in January because my oldest boys are down for a nap.  But baby's crying.  And I feel exhausted.  It's hard to get out of bed in the morning, especially when the older boys are fighting and begging me for chocolate, and someone peed the bed and is now climbing in MY bed.  Oh, you are so not alone.  Give yourself a break and a pat on the back for being a mom.  It's the hardest job out there and it doesn't come with a paycheck and many times without a thank you.  It's easy to feel overwhelmed and guilty but focus on the positive things you do accomplish each day. I like the idea of picking one thing to do each day with your child like playing a game or sitting and reading books together.  Maybe go to the library now and then or the park. You need a break, too.  :-)

This is my life... exactly.  3 boys... waking up to IMMEDIATE chaos (pee, whining, fighting, spills, etc.)... yesterday's makeup.  Just all of it...lol.  

It won't make my life any easier tomorrow to have read this tonight, but at least it lets me know that I'm not alone.

[*bejeweled*]

This is so eloquent. Yes, this is exactly what my life is. It is one of the reasons why I keep a gratitude journal. So that I can reflect on all of the good. Because it ain't all good. This is another reason that I avoid many social websites. Really they are often just a billboard of what people want their lives to appear to be.

Originally Posted by Dukey25 

I like to think of my life in moments. Some moments look like I have it all together, other moments look like I am on the verge of a breakdown. But the reality is a little of both it just depends on the snapshot you glimpse. Everything you see online is what someone wants you to see and doesn't necessarily represent their true reality. I find that when I reveal that I don't have it all together people around me do the same and then we can all relax and connect and learn from each other.

[Harmony08]

Oh my!  I too could have written your post.  So many great things have been said in this thread.  It is wonderful to not feel so alone with this "sub par" feeling.  I think one of the pps hit the nail on the head when she said that we have this modern day June Cleaver image....the woman with no tv and no clutter who happily bakes bread with her three children while wearing her youngest and cooking three organic meals a day and she also gets up before her children and does yoga in beautiful organic yoga clothes....oh i could go on and on apparently.

I can't be that woman.  I'm not her anymore than I am a woman who is going to vacuum in heals and red lipstick.  I think we have to allow ourselves to be "good enough", to be ourselves and to let love lead. 

I find that I do a lot of the things suggested in here like trying one thing a day and front loading activities.

On Oprah awhile ago someone said that the best thing you can do for your children is to love your life.  Not clean your house, not shower daily, not put homemade food on the table every day, not protect them from all electronic media, but to love your life!

Now that may seem a little hard when life is repetitive and tedious as it can get for the SAHM but I find it comforting to remember.

[HappyMommy2]

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Edited by HappyMommy2 - 6/6/11 at 8:12am

[tammylsmith]

I love your blog abqbabylove... made me laugh and I am sooo where you are at the moment. Thanks for putting a smile on my face as I procrastinate over the mound of laundry sitting behind me!

[aderyndu]

Originally Posted by Harmony08 

On Oprah awhile ago someone said that the best thing you can do for your children is to love your life.  Not clean your house, not shower daily, not put homemade food on the table every day, not protect them from all electronic media, but to love your life!

What a powerful statement and wonderful reminder!!
 

[cappuccinosmom]

lol.  I do get up early, have my cup of tea, surf the net......and I'm still not ready for when my kids wake up.

The thing is, when you have a toddler or a bunch of new kids, and especially when you're just starting the parenting journey, it takes figuring out.  It takes years of figuring out.  My parents always told me that as the first, I was the "guinea pig" for their parenting skillz.  Now I have my own kids, I know why they said that.  When they started, with me, it was all crazy for a while.  And it was the same for me with my first (and second, and third, since they came in the space of four years).  Pretty much every mom I know personally has the feeling of being overwhelmed and inadequate in their early years of parenting.  Even the moms with nicer houses and seemingly more organized lives.  And yes, sometimes that's just a little corner of nice-ness in their lives that are otherwise busy and frenetic. I don't post pictures of my children's messy room or the after supper dishes, lol.  Every couple of weeks, I do bake with the kids or let them do an experiment, and I do post those.  But that is not daily life.  I just figure people would rather see that than clothes on the floor, you know?

Now, all of that said, I personally find it worthwhile to kick myself out of bed early in the morning.  Sleeping in is nice, and especially when dh is sleeping in.  But if I wake up "behind", my whole day feels like crap.  If I'm up, dressed, and caffienated when things start rolling, it seems to go a lot better for me.  Took me a while to develop the habit, but for me it was worth it. 

[xzaviers_mama]

Originally Posted by abqbabylove 

Hi mama, you're certainly normal! I just ordered a book - Simplicity Parenting: Using the Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids. I haven't got it yet, but I hope it provides some answers to issues like the ones you're having. In the meantime, I would suggest going outside as much as possible, and getting rid of toys except for the "creative ones" (blocks, crayons, dolls, etc). Also, don't be too hard on yourself and accept that life is going to be somewhat chaotic and messy for awhile. Our days are often made up of the mundane things, so we have to do our best to find joy in those. 

Finally, this won't solve your problems, but it might give you a laugh and help you see that you're not alone - my blog - http://ladynamedcarlos.blogspot.com/

Good luck!

Oh my gosh... I LOVE the "You know you're a parent when..." on your blog!!!  Cannot begin to tell you how many times I've been out and about for hours, only to finally realize I have some cartoony sticker on my behind/back/boob/in my hair....lol!

[youngspiritmom]

These posts are amazing, uplifting, and reassuring. Thank you all. I am surprised by how many moms feel like this. I thought I was the only one. I have found that some of the best therapy is to find another mom who feels like this and hang out and be normal together (i.e. hang out in the messy house while the kids run around or something, lol). One facebook commenter wrote "I would love the be ideal mother. But I am too busy raising my kids." That was really relieving for me to hear. I found it to be very beautiful.

[*bejeweled*]

tammylsmith, I your avatar pic !

[MommaBirdie]

I got to a place that I love now by making goals for myself each day.
So at the end of every night I made two goals for myself.
One based around my children and one around the house.
For example: Tomorrow I will paint with the kids and Tomorrow I will organize the closet.
 

[newbymom05]

You have a toddler, 'nuff said. If you're staying home with a someone who needs help to eat, sleep and toilet, how on earth are you supposed to do anything else? Cut yourself some slack until they're older. I"ve met several totally together moms only to later find out they have a cleaning service, helpful nearby family, babysitters, etc. It's tough, if not impossible to do it all yourself and have it be blog-worthy 24/7.

[Gucci&Granola]

This is a great thread.  I was just sitting here, pinned to the couch (as usual) with a baby sleep-nursing on my lap.  I have a 5 month old who will only sleep if I am with her.  This means I am unable to use her naps to be productive around the house and instead spend the time mentally cleaning and organizing.  From my perch I can see the top of our refrigerator (covered in stuff), the stove that needs wiping down, and the living room surfaces that need a good dusting.  As other posters have stated, motherhood is a series of moments, at any given time we may be on top of it all or sadly behind the ball.  If you are happy with the average, you're doing just fine. 

On a less philosophical note, I think a lot of success boils down to planning and how much help you have.  My DH travels for work.  When he is out of town (for several days at a time) I am responsible for the baby and a high maintenance dog by myself.  During these periods I simply get less done.  To keep from going crazy I also lower my expectations.  I cook big batches of things before he leaves or get takeout because 3 homecooked meals is not going to happen.  I do extra chores before and after his trip to allow myself some breathing room.  I also always try to take the afternoon nap with the baby when she goes down in case we have a terrible night and I need the extra boost.  If you are going through particularly difficult or trying patches with your toddler, set the bar at a realistic height and know that this too shall pass. 

Some things that have helped me to be a bit more productive are:

1. I get up when DH gets up for work every single day and take a shower, get dressed, and deal with my hair.  I like feeling that I can quickly leave the house if we all need a break.  If I don't put myself together in the morning it most likely isn't going to happen at all.
2. I made myself a chore chart.  Nothing special, just a whiteboard in the refrigerator that lists the days' activities, chores, and our meal for the evening.  I wrote a blog post about it here if anyone is curious.  Someone upthread mentioned the book Simplicity Parenting and I will second the motion.  One of the most helpful things I took away from reading it was to establish a daily rhythm rather than "routine".  I have a general outline for everyday and the order in which the activities make the most sense.  However, rather than get super hung up on the exact time at which each activity takes place, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and we get to as many things as we can.  I like knowing what comes next and taking the guesswork out of planning each day without the clock ticking in my head.
3. Make your DH and children part of the team.  In my house mom is not synonymous with maid.  Everyone has chores (although the baby mostly just plunks toys back into her little toy box) and they are all spelled out on a chart.  I really used to dread the weekends because it meant that we would be spending the entire time cleaning and getting everything back in order after the week.  Now we do a little bit each day and and couple of larger jobs on Sat and Sun and that's that.  One big planning session, a chore chart, and some organizing has saved me a lot of time in the long run.

Being a SAHM is a job.  I am not superwoman, I am doing my best.  If you are not "outsourcing" (cleaning service, nanny, dog walker, gardener, cook etc...) it's more than a full time job.  If you're working as hard as you can, you're doing enough.