I have 2 boys, 3rd on the way... thinking of adopting a girl in a few years.. thoughts? - Page 2

[RedOakMomma]

Mee too. :)  Hope you're doing well!

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 
I think my strong reaction to the op's reaction comes from the fact that she did not mention anything about e.g. how she has been interested in adoption. The pieces of information she gave us were that she is pregnant and disappointed this baby is not a girl and that she wants to get a daughter and thus adopt. Had she written that she has always felt that they would complete their family through adoption and then asked what people think about requesting a girl, it would have come across quite differently. I think my feelings around the topic were just about formed by the time she expressed that she would have liked her baby to have been someone else.

Okay, let's be really really REALLY blunt here.  Do you really think that most people who adopt "always thought about it?"  Or does something prompt them to investigate? It doesn't have to be infertility, it *could* be gender, the world report they did on Zimbabwe when they were a kid, seeing a news program about the fall of the government in Romania with all those horrific pictures and videos of the orphanages that could only be described as a little slice of hell.  Maybe a cousin/aunt/ sibling adopts and/or relinquishes a child.  Or someone else they know, maybe they get invited to a shower for someone obviously not pregnant.  Whatever it is, something other than an inborn desire, something prompts the idea.

How many times here have I heard "we were 'led' to adopt."  So in that case, the person is not even claiming their own desire, it came from a supernatural force.

Yeah, the OP is pregnant, and is having a little bit of gender disappointed.  (this may be news to some people but it DOES HAPPEN when things don't go as you'd wished, and people get over it.  Hell, I did NOT want twins, horrible person that I am, and I got over it.  Guess I shouldn't have been allowed to have them!)  When I was going in to the doctor's office every other day to find out if one of my babies died and killed his brother in the process, you better believe I wished that *I* or they could have been someone else sometimes!  But I got over it, sucked it up, and moved on. I have heard far far FAR worse motivations for adoption.  To those of us old hands, is it a little cringe worthy?  Well, yes, but pick your biases I guess--I cringe far more when some white person says "Oh, I've ALWAYS felt so connected to <insert some third world country>." or "God made me do this. (dressed up in prettier spiritual terms)."  Luckily for everyone else in the world, my little picadillos don't rule the world, otherwise there'd be a great many good adoptive parents who wouldn't.

Adoptive parents are not saints.  Neither are any parents period.  We all have our disappointments, and selfish motivations sometimes.  As we all know (those of us with experience anyway) it does take time and effort to adopt.  Flitting and flirting with the idea only carries things so far;  you have ample time to delve in deeper in the process.  And I think that there are plenty of adoptive parents (they don't have to be abusive monsters either) who sometimes wish that their child was "someone else", who grieve for what could have been, who have wishes and dreams for their child that don't quite come true in the way they'd like.

[Tigeresse]

Originally Posted by Tigerchild 

Okay, let's be really really REALLY blunt here.  Do you really think that most people who adopt "always thought about it?"  Or does something prompt them to investigate? It doesn't have to be infertility, it *could* be gender, the world report they did on Zimbabwe when they were a kid, seeing a news program about the fall of the government in Romania with all those horrific pictures and videos of the orphanages that could only be described as a little slice of hell.  Maybe a cousin/aunt/ sibling adopts and/or relinquishes a child.  Or someone else they know, maybe they get invited to a shower for someone obviously not pregnant.  Whatever it is, something other than an inborn desire, something prompts the idea.

How many times here have I heard "we were 'led' to adopt."  So in that case, the person is not even claiming their own desire, it came from a supernatural force.

Exactly. We certainly weren't thinking adoption over the 7 years we were having babies. It crossed my mind at various times in my life but I never set my heart on it *until* life's circumstances opened us up to the possibility. Was it just because we had 3 boys and desperately wanted a girl? Well that was probably the initial catalyst, however there were so many other factors involved and I do believe some were "signs" that led us down the path we needed to go to get to our dd. We were motivated and paying attention. We had around 3-4 years of soul searching, research, paperchasing, and waiting. More than enough time to determine whether or not we were truly serious about raising another child that was not born to us, and not just acting on a whim. Did we displace an infertile couple who might have been able to parent our dd? I will never believe that, esp., since China at the time had no limit to the number of applications they were accepting. We also met all of China's requirements, including # of children already in the home.

[sesa70]

I think adoption is such a roller coaster for everyone involved, as ROM said, no sane person would adopt just for gender alone :)

I also wanted to mention how uncertain adoption can be. I know this can vary by program and openness of course, but we were expecting to adopt an African American or hispanic boy (domestically, infant program) and ended up being placed with a blonde haired blue eyed baby girl.

After reading about the concept of only childless couples adopting domestically I had to chime in there too! Our youngest was (well is in the process of being) adopted domestically. Her birth parents did choose us, and this baby was our 3rd. Her birth parents chose us specifically because we were already parenting, and I have to admit I don't like the thought that somehow we were less worthy because we are already parenting.

[sesa70]

Originally Posted by sesa70 

I think adoption is such a roller coaster for everyone involved, as ROM said, most people would not adopt just for gender alone :)

I also wanted to mention how uncertain adoption can be. I know this can vary by program and openness of course, but we were expecting to adopt an African American or hispanic boy (domestically, infant program) and ended up being placed with a blonde haired blue eyed baby girl.

After reading about the concept of only childless couples adopting domestically I had to chime in there too! Our youngest was (well is in the process of being) adopted domestically. Her birth parents did choose us, and this baby was our 3rd. Her birth parents chose us specifically because we were already parenting, and I have to admit I don't like the thought that somehow we were less worthy because we are already parenting.

[Whistler]

Originally Posted by sesa70 

I think adoption is such a roller coaster for everyone involved, as ROM said, no sane person would adopt just for gender alone :)

I also wanted to mention how uncertain adoption can be. I know this can vary by program and openness of course, but we were expecting to adopt an African American or hispanic boy (domestically, infant program) and ended up being placed with a blonde haired blue eyed baby girl.

After reading about the concept of only childless couples adopting domestically I had to chime in there too! Our youngest was (well is in the process of being) adopted domestically. Her birth parents did choose us, and this baby was our 3rd. Her birth parents chose us specifically because we were already parenting, and I have to admit I don't like the thought that somehow we were less worthy because we are already parenting.

This.

Our son's birth mom chose us because we were more "experienced" parents (heh!) and because she did not want her baby to grow up the eldest, as she was an elder sibling who had to care for a younger one in a tough circumstance.  So you see, there are all sorts of reasons a birth mom might choose a family, and not just infertility.  I find that attitude in the adoption world to be a bit distasteful, as much as I feel for infertile couples.  In my thinking, there are plenty of babies who need homes.  And each one is beautiful and special, not just the HWN's (Healthy, White, Newborn).

As far as OP's question about specifying gender, sure, you can specify gender.  It's up to you how rigidly you stick to it though.  I like to tell people that I asked God for a girl, and got my DD1 (bio).  I asked God for a boy and got DS1 (bio).  Then I asked the social worker for a girl and got a boy (DS2).  Hee hee.  I joke, but it's true.  Then for DD2, we're definitely getting a girl, lol.  Already matched.  So it worked out in the end.

There is SO much that adoptive parents lose.  You lose out on carrying the baby.  You lose out on sharing genes, sometimes lose out on sharing even the first years of the child's life.  You lose out on the ability to try for the healthiest prenatal care.  I'm not at all complaining, just being realistic here.  Why not choose the gender, if you can?  With a bio, you can't do that, but you get to choose those other things.  I know we all talk idealistically about only thinking about the child, and I do adore my adopted son, but come on!  We're thinking about our families and the shape and size of them all the time.  We think about the special bond between sisters or between brothers, or we think of little girls and dresses and ribbons, or little boys and their dirt and noise and action.  Parenting is complicated and complex, and I appreciate OP's question and honesty.

I have read plenty of stories from adult adoptees who were adopted because "Mom wanted a girl" and I don't think they felt unwanted or unloved for that at all.  On the contrary, it seems that they liked it.  Seems to me they would know.  *shrug*

[LessTraveledBy]

Interesting discussion.

In my country, actually, the couple needs to be childless and infertile to be able to adopt a baby domestically. However, there are very few of these adoptions per year, so it is not a sure way for anyone to get a child.

I understand the op much better now. However, as I said, her original message was what made me feel what I did. If someone wants to adopt, there are certain things need to decide (gender among others, with some countries). To me there is a huge difference between wanting to adopt and then choosing the gender, among other things, and adopting because one wants a girl and has not managed to get one biologically. No need to agree. ;)

[Smokering]

You would have better luck TTC again, with a 50/50 chance of having a girl for baby #4.  Of course, with 3 boys, I realize chances may be that you'll have another sweet baby boy - but I still think that every time you conceive your odds are pretty much half and half.

Totally forum-crashing here, but I don't think that's true. Once you have 4 boys in a row, your chances of conceiving a 5th boy are more like 80% than 50%. Not sure what the stats are if you've had three boys, but I wouldn't be surprised if it's over 50%. And then there are other factors - some men make predominately "male" or "female" sperm, for one thing. If you believe in the Shettles method, then some couples might tend to have sex close to ovulation (due to the way ovulation hormones affect a woman's libido - if she had a low drive during the rest of the month, it's plausible that sex might only happen pretty close to ovulating) - which, according to the theory, would favour boys. And some women have more alkaline or acidic pHs, which is supposed to have implications for gender ("female" sperm can tolerate a more acidic environment).

Sorry, I just find this stuff interesting. :p I'm one of six girls, so!

[excitedtobeamom]

We just adopted our third child. We have two bio kids. Birth mom picked us because we were experienced. I think all people infertile or not should be able to adopt. In the us the birthparents pick and some want experienced or bigger families. We only waited 8 months until we met him and he is a healthy biracial baby boy. Our agency is very affordable because they do fees according to your adjusted gross income. This allows all kinds of families to adopt. We started an international adoption in 2008 and we are just now next in line for a referral. International is not always easier or cheaper.

[Tigeresse]

Originally Posted by LessTraveledBy 

Interesting discussion.

In my country, actually, the couple needs to be childless and infertile to be able to adopt a baby domestically. However, there are very few of these adoptions per year, so it is not a sure way for anyone to get a child.

I understand the op much better now. However, as I said, her original message was what made me feel what I did. If someone wants to adopt, there are certain things need to decide (gender among others, with some countries). To me there is a huge difference between wanting to adopt and then choosing the gender, among other things, and adopting because one wants a girl and has not managed to get one biologically. No need to agree.

So fertile people should only adopt if they have been considering it for many years or even better their whole lives and infertile people are free to adopt after they have proven/realized they are infertile even if it never crossed their minds prior to that?

Maybe fertile people who choose to adopt are actually more "qualified" because they are choosing that long, hard road when they don't really "need" to. Oh wait, unless of course they desire a specific gender.

I know of childless couples who have specified gender, or chose a program like China because they preferred to raise girls even though they had no other children. What do you think of that? How do we know what came first, the desire to adopt or the desire for a girl? What does this "huge difference" you describe say about the potential adoptive parents and their ability to lovingly parent a child they hope to adopt?

[LessTraveledBy]

I have no need to debate this matter with anyone. I have the right to my opinions and emotions, just like everyone else. (It even seems I am not alone.) The OP asked what people think and she is getting different answers. I think this is great, as she is likely to meet people representing all these points of view (and more) in real life. It is not a bad thing to be prepared and to understand where someone else might be coming from.

As to the rule in my country (no domestic adoptions for people who already have children)... There are maybe 10 kids adopted in the whole country within any given year. I like that rule and there are reasons it is in place. Those who already have children (such as myself) can foster or adopt internationally.

[Polliwog]

Where would I fall as a single mother? I chose to foster and ultimately adopt two of my foster children. But, if I chose to adopt domestically, or internationally from a country that allows it, it's my right. I can't get pregnant since I'm not partnered and I'm perfectly capable of being a mother.

[frugalmum]

Given that there there are more children of a certain gender available for adopting in certain parts of the world, I see no issue with gender preferences if you are adopting from an area where that gender is less desired.  I think it's nice too that a child would know they were that much more wanted based on their gender.  This may sound petty but I was "supposed" to be a boy so I grew up in the shadow of knowing that.  I would have loved knowing my parents WANTED a girl!  I have dealt with my own gender disappointments too, with my own kids, but at this point I'm totally past it.  If we were to adopt I wouldn't care about gender but might choose based on which gender was less wanted.