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s/o of etiquette for dinner guests - Page 3

post #41 of 68

I can't imagine not wanting to accommodate a guest's food choices.  We do eat meat, but are pretty selective about food sources- within our financial limitations.   I have friends who are vegetarian, and when I wasn't comfortable planning a good vegetarian meal, I'd always ask for suggestions- they were always willing to share ideas with me and it took a lot of the pressure off.  I have a very food-avoidant kid and visiting places for dinner can be hard as people tend to think she's just being a brat and unwilling to try things.  She's trying very hard and has made great progress, but if you put sauce on her spaghetti she's NOT going to eat it.  I usually make sure to bring along something I know she'll be able to eat, even if it is just a loaf of homemade bread. 

 

The OP's MIL sounds like she's creating an issue just for the sake of proving she is right.  I'd be inclined to always bring along  dish to share that I could eat.  If she's rude enough to make an issue of it, I'd ask her to pass it along for seconds. :)

post #42 of 68

Wow.  I'm really surprised at the casual attitude with which the people posting on this thread will just disregard someone's food preferences/allergies.  Food allergies/intolerances are tricky things.  Often the very people with them don't quite understand them.  At our last allergist appt, the doc was explaining how tricky they are.  Food allergies and their reactions can depend upon how frequently a food is eaten, how much of it is eaten, and even what other foods are eaten with it!  They're hard to pinpoint.  Other conditions- like salicylate sensitivity- are a kind of "bucket effect."  Someone could be fine eating a food one time, but have a terrible reaction another time based on how well their system is filtering out salicylates and what other foods they've eaten recently.  I'm definitely not an expert on this subject- there are many far more knowledgeable mamas in the allergy forum- but even with my limited knowledge, I don't think what some of you are doing is safe or fair to your guests.

 

post #43 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4myfinn View Post

Wow.  I'm really surprised at the casual attitude with which the people posting on this thread will just disregard someone's food preferences/allergies. 



Did you read the entire post?  I think the "onion allergy" person is not actually allergic and that has been proven over years!  There would have been a known reaction had there really been an issue.  

Also, if you have allergies that are serious enough, the chances of you letting others cook for you aren't really high.  Esp. if there are multiple issues.  People don't understand cross contamination and all that and if you are that sensitive can cause real issues for people.

post #44 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by 4myfinn View Post

Wow.  I'm really surprised at the casual attitude with which the people posting on this thread will just disregard someone's food preferences/allergies.  Food allergies/intolerances are tricky things.  Often the very people with them don't quite understand them.  At our last allergist appt, the doc was explaining how tricky they are.  Food allergies and their reactions can depend upon how frequently a food is eaten, how much of it is eaten, and even what other foods are eaten with it!  They're hard to pinpoint.  Other conditions- like salicylate sensitivity- are a kind of "bucket effect."  Someone could be fine eating a food one time, but have a terrible reaction another time based on how well their system is filtering out salicylates and what other foods they've eaten recently.  I'm definitely not an expert on this subject- there are many far more knowledgeable mamas in the allergy forum- but even with my limited knowledge, I don't think what some of you are doing is safe or fair to your guests.

 



 



Quote:
Originally Posted by scsigrl View Post





Did you read the entire post?  I think the "onion allergy" person is not actually allergic and that has been proven over years!  There would have been a known reaction had there really been an issue.  

Also, if you have allergies that are serious enough, the chances of you letting others cook for you aren't really high.  Esp. if there are multiple issues.  People don't understand cross contamination and all that and if you are that sensitive can cause real issues for people.



Yes if that is referring my mother's partner she is in fact NOT allergic...NO I would never EVER intentionally serve someone I knew had food allergies something that might kill them or at the very least make them ill...I don't think anyone in their right mind would actually do that. I don't think I'm being unfair to anyoneshrug.gif

post #45 of 68

There is a difference between accomodating everyone and making their dietary restrictions the centerpiece of the meal. She could easily have offerred some sauce without meat mixed into it or a different type of burger patty. I don't think she needs to offer a roast chicken, in addition to the meal, etc.

 

If she knows you don't eat red meat than she is either forgetful (possible, possible) or rude.

post #46 of 68

Because, as some have said here, people will often happily accommodate food allergies but are unwilling to accommodate preferences. So people make up stories about allergies to ensure that their preferences are accommodated.

 

I have worked in restaurants for about ten years now. LOTS of people lie about allergies. Someone will order a pasta dish that has roasted garlic cloves in it, and ask that the garlic be left out because she's "allergic," yet that person will order a Caesar salad as an appetizer. When it's mentioned that the dressing is full of garlic, she'll say "Oh, I'm not that allergic."

 

I had a woman order a shrimp dish once that looked absolutely amazing, and when I went to check on her she looked miserable. She then told me she's allergic. I started to freak out because shellfish allergies are no joke, and I also wondered why on Earth she would order a shrimp dish to begin with....I said, "You're allergic to SHRIMP?" She said, "I'm not allergic to it if it's cooked right." I have no idea what she meant, because I let the manager handle the crazy woman at that point.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy View Post


This is my FIL!! I once went out of my way to cook something without the onions I usually used... well come to find out, he is not allergic to them, he just doesn't like them. Why not just say that??? I still would've avoided using onions but wouldn't have freaked if I accidentally used a tsp of onion powder or cross-contaminated. I don't get why someone would claim they have an allergy to something they aren't allergic to.
post #47 of 68

I'm not unwilling to accommodate preferences generally...Like no red meat or something but at some point enough becomes enough it just gets annoying and not very fun to cook for people who are so picky they won't eat much of anything. So yeah I guess I am and am not willing to accommodate a person's personal preferences depending entirely on the situation. If I don't know BEFOREHAND about someone's preferences it's not my problem I cooked something they won't eat. I'm not going to bend over backwards either...

Cooking is pleasurable for me but if I had to deal with all the pickiness that some people have expressed (not here necessarily) it would become a chore real quick and I would lose my patience real quick...

I'm not so tolerant as I thought I was I guess. Eat what I cook or don't, just don't moan and groan about how it wasn't "just" right...

 

I think the soup nazi from Seinfeld is my new hero.

post #48 of 68

I have actually BEEN to the soup nazi. It's on 55th or 56th or something, near Broadway. A block or two from where I used to work.

 

The line was always long and it did seem that everyone was trained to order quickly and step aside. I never heard any outbursts of any sort.

 

That soup WAS good. AMAZING good. And all the little sides were also incredible. I would not think that the tiny spring of grapes he'd include would be THAT fabulous, but it was. Or the tiny dessert mint. Or, yeah, the crusty bread. I went for the first time thinking "yeah right, how good can it be" but it exceeded my expectations, by a lot.

post #49 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by laohaire View Post

I have actually BEEN to the soup nazi. It's on 55th or 56th or something, near Broadway. A block or two from where I used to work.

 

The line was always long and it did seem that everyone was trained to order quickly and step aside. I never heard any outbursts of any sort.

 

That soup WAS good. AMAZING good. And all the little sides were also incredible. I would not think that the tiny spring of grapes he'd include would be THAT fabulous, but it was. Or the tiny dessert mint. Or, yeah, the crusty bread. I went for the first time thinking "yeah right, how good can it be" but it exceeded my expectations, by a lot.


hehe I just have to be such a good cook that NOBODY dares complain or ask me to change what I am cooking...lol.gif

 

post #50 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ldavis24 View Post

I'm not unwilling to accommodate preferences generally...Like no red meat or something but at some point enough becomes enough it just gets annoying and not very fun to cook for people who are so picky they won't eat much of anything. So yeah I guess I am and am not willing to accommodate a person's personal preferences depending entirely on the situation. If I don't know BEFOREHAND about someone's preferences it's not my problem I cooked something they won't eat. I'm not going to bend over backwards either...

Cooking is pleasurable for me but if I had to deal with all the pickiness that some people have expressed (not here necessarily) it would become a chore real quick and I would lose my patience real quick...

I'm not so tolerant as I thought I was I guess. Eat what I cook or don't, just don't moan and groan about how it wasn't "just" right...

 

I think the soup nazi from Seinfeld is my new hero.


Just wondering if you make it a point to ask beforehand, or expect your guests to voice their preferences unsolicited?

 

I am of the camp that a good host/hostess asks their guests at the time of invitation if they have any food aversions or allergies. It's just the polite thing to do. I've seen it mentioned a few times upthread about "I'm going to all the effort to cook..." or "My food is good, they should just try it..." Those are very self-centered statements. When I invite people to my home, I want THEM to have a good time any enjoy THEIR meal. That is the thing that allows me to enjoy the dinner. I'm not their mom.They are grown ups.  It isn't my place to try to convince them that they would like something if they only tried my version. That's no fun for anyone. 

 

Later this week we are having two families over for dinner. One couple is vegetarian. The other couple has aversions to peppers, mushrooms, mexican food and breakfast foods. My DH can't eat much dairy, or he gets diarrhea.  I find it FUN to try to think of or find recipes for dishes that will make all of them happy. I want to have something each of them can eat and enjoy. 

 

We have a friend who doesn't like tomatoes. I LOVE tomatoes. But I can understand that he doesn't, so I don't serve them when he comes over. It's easy. 

 

My MIL is allergic to garlic. I LOVE garlic and cook with it often. But when she is coming to dinner, I leave it out or cook a recipe that needs no garlic. Sometimes I will make garlic bread for us and just make her version w/butter and parsley only. I do this, despite the fact that she knows I don't eat chocolate and DH is dairy sensitive and she volunteers to bring dessert to every meal...she brings chocolate ice cream cake. (Cause SHE likes it. And "I know you don't like chocolate, but you'll have a little bit, right?" Nope. No thank you.) 

 

I'd much rather be me than her. 

post #51 of 68
I also like accommodating dietary needs. I can handle vegan, veggie, allergies, etc. I wouldn't be able to cook a real kosher meal, of course, or for someone with a severe allergy to wheat or milk b/c of cross contamination concerns. But it's fun to cook with stipulations. Otherwise there are just too many choices to pick from!

I'm quite picky, and I've left many a place very very very hungry. That's what drive through is for. But the people who care about me find sneaky ways to fix it. My in-laws have gotten great at adding a plain meat dish to meals, and bread and butter. They didn't ask, and I didn't demand, it's just they noticed I eat that more than other things. As time goes on, they just add that to the meals we eat together more and more. I've gotten better at accommodating her meat-avoidance - she's not veggie, but she can't handle the texture or anything with an overwhelming meat flavor. Along the same lines, I know my FIL loves Starbucks Quad Mochas, and MIL loves Subway veggie sandwiches. My husband loves when I pick up a few new craft beers at Safeway. It's just something you absorb, no? a
post #52 of 68

OP, your MIL is being extremely rude. I don't think there's a lot you can do though, given that it appears to be on purpose. Eat before you go and just have a bite or two of whatever is acceptable. And laugh about it with DH if you can. 

 

I don't have any problem accomodating people's preferences, veggie/vegan, allergies, or intolerances. I will take food along with us pretty much everywhere. We have 2 vegetarians and 2 who eat no mammals or fish but will eat chicken rarely. I just say we're vegetarian, eggs and dairy are fine, because that's simpler for people to grasp.

 

I think tricking them is totally inappropriate in every single case (sorry to those who think it's fine). That's the type of thinking that leads to people switching pregnant women's coffee from regular to decaf because they think they know better than the woman ordering it. (I had someone do that; decaf has chemicals which give me migraines; and I was ordering coffee while pg because the dr. told me to in order to ease migraine pain. Most migraine meds are contraindicated in pg. "Tricky" man is an idiot. Thank goodness DH noticed!) 

 

It's also the sort of thing that discounts reactions that aren't immediate--diarrhea, vomiting, constipation, migraines, delayed hives, behavior reactions in children, runny nose, clogged ears. My brother had allergies to something in margarine that gave him eczema and kept him from sleeping, leading to crazy behavior. My grandmother was sure this "allergy" was all in my mother's head though, because she just thought my brother was a bad kid and "must have gotten into poison ivy." He was fine 50 weeks a year and not a bad kid, and no one else ever seemed to get poison ivy. But at grandma's house, he was a disaster bc she insisted on sneaking margarine into everything. 

 

Personally I wouldn't serve onion dishes and figure that it was doing the person no harm. But to each his/her own. 


Edited by EviesMom - 5/22/11 at 10:35pm
post #53 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Laggie View Post

I know I'm going to get jumped on for this, but I personally have very little tolerance for people whose food choices make no sense to me. 

 

I also can't be around the raw food people, they annoy the sh!t out of me.

 

Again, I wouldn't show it and wouldn't go out of my way to make things they don't like... but I still think they're acting like spoiled children. 

 

So... you think your MIL is purposely serving beef, she probably thinks you are purposely saying you don't like beef just to annoy her, since you are not vegetarian and haven't even tasted her food. Well actually it sounds like she *is* doing it on purpose, but I just wanted to offer a different viewpoint. eat.gif


I think her MIL's viewpoint is probably a lot like yours, honestly.  People's dietary choices annoy her, she thinks that people who won't eat what she cooks are spoiled children to the point that she refuses to accommodate her dinner guests.  Things annoy me too, so I get that.  But it really does seem like some battle of wills.  I would just always bring my own food and be forthright about it if asked. 

 

post #54 of 68
Thread Starter 

Thanks for all the replies and thoughts everyone. :)  Due to many other things, I really do not go there much at all.  We were invited over there for the first time since Christmas on Saturday.  I told DH that he should take the kids but that I will not be going.  Honestly, the food is the last reason it just adds insult to injury if you know what I mean.

post #55 of 68

My mother is the same way.  I stopped eating meat of any type at age 7 but she doesn't believe in vegetarianism.  I survived on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and cheese and eggs for a VERY long time.  When I was pregnant with my oldest (at age 16) I started eating some chicken and turkey because she brow beat me about how I was robbing my child of nutrients.  I've since tried to eat red meat as steak and hamburgers often smell really good but can't.  Within 15 minutes of eating red meat, I start vomiting.  Not fun.  I make red meat for my husband and children often but always have a side dish with a protein for myself.

 

My mother makes meat and a starch for every meal, and they are typically mixed.  Which means I eat before I go and just sit at the dinner table and munch on bread or whatever I can find.  Sometimes I just sit there.  We typically don't eat many meals over there. 

 

I do think it is a power trip thing but it isn't something I'm willing to stress out about.  It just isn't worth my energy.

post #56 of 68

DH and I refer to people who "have to have meat at every meal" as meat and potatoes people. IME, this type of eater thinks eating veggie is eating the potatoes and maybe the iceburg lettuce salad too.

 

We have one relative who is allergic to peanuts, her throat will close up and another who has bad eczema reactions to peanuts. And yet another who is allergic to shellfish. the shellfish one is a vegan. I enjoy cooking for him and he usually eats up everything we dish out in front of him. I have a few vegan friends who all send their praises when we cook for them. But we will also eat the vegan dish. We eat all types of foods and another thing I have noticed, we call some veggies- noodlevores, or non meat eaters. Mainly because we eat more veggies than they do! That usually means, they are new on the veggie/vegan journey and still learning.

 

We hosted a dinner party for DH's extended family and made a mexican style soup that was vegan. On the side, you could scoop up to top your soup with- cheese, sausage, and cilantro. BIL the vegan didnt use anything but the cilantro, but was grateful we had the vegan soup. We also made him a homemade vegan pizza. We also had pulled pork and regular pizza so no one went hungry.

 

We have a friend who dosent eat red meat so when we had a dinner party a few years ago where we grilled our grass fed streaks, we had a chicken breast grilled for him. He enjoyed all the other sides and no one was the wiser. Since we have always had someone in our life with omissions in their diet or restrictions, we always ask ahead. We find it fun to have to work around it, but seeing on this thread, we are the minority. So OP, you are welcome to my home and I understand you wont partake in my freezer full of beef but we will find a way to make sure you go home as stuffed as the other guests. Who knows, maybe one of them will want what you have and try something else!

 

 

 

 

post #57 of 68

I have a pretty extreme point of view on trying to coerce people to eat foods they don't want for whatever reason... to me, it seems sort of like rape. It's wrong to try and intimidate or trick or force a person to eat something they don't want, for ANY reason. The MIL who continues to serve red meat, every time, year after year, is like the guy who tries again and again to get his hand in a girls shirt as she says no, 5 minutes later NO, 10 minutes later NO. The hurt feelings are the manipulation tactic, trying to gain sympathy to pressure the person to cave to their will. It disgusts me.

 

I ask about allergies/preferences before guests come over, and make something that accommodates everyone's needs. If we have impromptu guests and I'm serving something that contains an ingredient they don't like or can't have, I let them know and let them know there's X or Y in the cupboard/fridge (soup/ sandwich fixings/ various snacks) that they can have instead. My goal when I have guests is for them to feel welcomed and cared for... I don't want anyone feeling they ought to protect my ego or whatever at their own expense.

post #58 of 68

I like to accommodate certain food preferences. I am an excellent cook and it is fun to have a challenge!eat.gif

 

However, if my MIL was misbehaving in this way, it would be my DHs responsibility to set her straight. I would expect my DH to tell his mother that if we as a family are coming over, she needs to have some food without red meat for me. (This is all theoretical, I eat anything!!!)

 

I firmly believe that in a couple, people need to wrangle their own parents. If my MIL was doing something as disrespectful as what was described in this thread, I would expect my DH to say something to her. Same as I would set my parents straight if they had a conflict with my DH.

post #59 of 68

I think it is incredibly rude to invite someone for a meal and ignore their food preferences when they KNOW you won't eat what they prepared. I would want to stop accepting the invitations  or invite them to my house instead.

post #60 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st View PostWe eat all types of foods and another thing I have noticed, we call some veggies- noodlevores, or non meat eaters. Mainly because we eat more veggies than they do! That usually means, they are new on the veggie/vegan journey and still learning.

 

 

lol.gif

 

I call them Pastatarians. I have yet to meet a vegetarian that actually eats a lot of vegetables. The ones I know eat lots of cheese pizza and other such foods, and none of them are new to the lifestyle. I'm sure that healthfully-eating vegetarians exist somewhere....


 

 

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