3.5 year old jealousy and regression re: baby sister

[Plarka]

Ever since dd2 was born (she's 14 months old now), dd1 goes in and out of this regression thing, and it's been on the rise again in the last few months! She likes to talk like a baby, and the main thing is not wanting to get herself dressed or undressed. I don't know if it's just 3 year old defiance, or wanting to be treated like dd2, but lately I think maybe it's the latter.  She's 3.5, will be 4 in July and has been dressing herself since she was 2.

It makes me really mad. She used to go get dressed or put her shoes on when I asked her to and now she usually will not. It turns into a fight with me doing it for her while complaining very angrily and loudly the whole time.

Should I just give in and dress her all the time? And not expect her to do it herself? And put her shoes on as well? It makes going out every day very stressful. It's just ridiculous! A friend said today maybe it's her way of saying, 'show me that you love me as much as you love dd2, and if you do for me the things you do for her, that shows me you love us the same.'

What do you think, people with experience with this?

[Disco Infiltrator]

I think 3.5 is a really really hard age. I think everyone I know had their kid become very behavioral at that age, even people who had never had significant issues prior. If you read Ilg and Ames, 3.5 is a time of disequilibrium, which was very true for us. We had a second baby right around when DS turned 3.5 and it's been rough, I think both because of the change in family and the age, and just my son's sensitive personality.

One thing that's helped me a lot in dealing with DS feeling unloved is reading Siblings Without Rivalry. If we're in a situation where DS is clearly responding to his sister I pull out some of the book's interventions and they work well with him, especially focusing on what he's feeling, his loss, and empathizing with those things.

As for the 3.5 behavior, that's a tough one. I found it best to arrange our lives so my expectations could be as low as possible, meaning if DS wasn't going to get dressed, we didn't have obligations so we could just stay home. He ended up spending a good amount of that time period naked. My parenting approach has always been to pick my battles, basically, is this the hill I want to die on. Getting dressed really isn't it for me, running into the street would be. We also don't do school and have almost no obligations that we must absolutely do, so not going somewhere is disappointing and sucks, but not the end of the world (although it feels like it sometimes). Also, they really get into button pushing at this age, and if they know it's driving you crazy they'll keep pushing that button over and over. If your DD has been dressing herself, she'll be able to do it again. If you are able to back off you might find that without the pay-off, she'll go back to doing it herself.