Hey parents, I need some support.. - Page 2

[LessTraveledBy]

Originally Posted by shotmama 

And I'm not super young, I'm just not good with words.

It is not that mama... I think the reason people thought you were young is that it seems rather odd that you have let all this happen and still keep letting your parents into your life. You need help in learning to defend yourself and your child on, mainly, in finding ways to set boundaries.

[shotmama]

Okay now I feel I need to say something else. And I do realize this is the internet and it is fully my fault for posting such sensitive and personal information online -- reactions and opinions are free to be fired at will. I just thought since most of us were educated and thoughtful that I could get some support, not all this backlash about why I 'let this all happen.'

People who are experienced with helping those who are abused know never to say, 'why do you stay?' and 'why do you let it happen?' because that kind of language may sound like it is one-who-is-abused's fault for all this happening (it's not very settling to know that you guys are saying things that mirror these phrases: 'well, if you didn't do that, then you wouldn't have gotten hit,' or 'if you still stuck around, then it's your fault for it happening to you.') It's proof that there was judgement passed on me and my quality of mothering.

At the same time, it is also relieving to know that people view this as extreme as I do.  After knowing a lot of your reactions mirror my feelings to just want to get it over with and forever try and forget, I don't feel as guilty. So I do thank you for those sentiments. I feel a bit more sane.

My family came from a third world country where the best thing a parent did for their child was feeding them, and giving them an education. There wasn't any information out there for them (or more like they never seeked it) on how to connect with their children. So I believe they became obsessed with control, and JUST DID NOT KNOW ANY BETTER. In their society, and yes, even while living in this country for almost 3 decades, their children, no matter the age, must obey them out of 'respect.' This is not an excuse for them, but because I UNDERSTOOD (not the same as accept) this, I guess I was just hoping I could show them there were other ways of communicating. I was hoping that by watching my daughter and husband, they would realize my 'radical' ways do work, and just let go their need for control. Cause that's all physical/emotional abuse really is, it's about CONTROL. I wholeheartedly believe in things like Transformative Justice, and maybe it was just plain silly of me to think I could accomplish such things in my family's type of culture.

With that being said I think I will leave MDC. Admittedly I am now to ashamed and embarrassed to continue in this community as a 'troll' or someone who has already been judged. I have faith that my husband and I will figure things out peacefully on our own. Thank you all for your input. I wish to be as strong as a lot of you someday!

[Ldavis24]

did someone call the OP a troll??

It's too bad you feel judged mama, I saw a lot of concerned responses but nothing implying this was your fault really..I hate when people post and then end up terminating their accounts based on responses they receive, people don't mean to be insensitive its just hard sometimes on the internet... no one here was trying to hurt you OP I know that much.

[crunchy_mommy]

I hope it wasn't my responses that got to you, OP. I wasn't sure if you saw this in the same light I did, and wanted to share that I *do* think it's wrong, what they are doing to you, and I was telling you the same thing I would tell anyone else that's being abused -- LEAVE, as soon as you feel it's safe & doable, LEAVE. That's why I said get a RO and all -- not because it's your fault but because it's a way to keep you safer. You do have the power to change this. I've been there, I've been abused, it's not easy to leave and it's hard not to get blinded by the good times, and it's hard especially when family is involved because, well, they're family!!

I'm sorry you feel hurt by some of the responses but whether or not you leave MDC, I hope that you can be safe & happy, whether here or in your DH's country...

[Annie Mac]

I really don't think anyone was trying to hurt you, and I hope my response wasn't among those who did. Your case simply seems very extreme, which was why it might seem, at first glance, to be someone posting just to get a reaction -- I can see (and I think all the posters can too) that you are definitely not trolling and in a very unusual situation. Your family experience has been so vastly different than my own, I initially found it hard to relate, but I totally believe you that it's true.

No one is saying that it's your fault your family is the way they are; and no one is saying you're to blame for your upbringing. But, as an adult, you are responsible for drawing your own boundaries. Given that your upbringing has likely skewed what is and what is not a reasonable boundary, I think it would be a good idea to get into counseling to figure out how you want your family to treat you and, very importantly, how to assert yourself and defend those boundaries.

Speaking for myself, what I posted was in spirit of kindness, and I think other responses were too. Leaving MDC is of course your choice, but it seems out of proportion to the responses. As, interestingly, does leaving the country in response to your family's behaviours. I wish you all the best! Your situation sounds so difficult. 

[bignerpie]

Congratulations to you for breaking the cycle. You sound like a very loving mother.

I am quite non-confrontational and it is hard for me to step up and tell anyone what I think. When people attack my parenting, I usually just withdraw from the situation. I have practiced saying, "This works for us" and "You raised your children, now I am raising mine" and several other responses, but it is hard for me to actually say them when attacked. If I had any connections to another country, I would have packed us up and moved away 2 years ago! So, I totally understand your need to get away.

I'm trying really hard to put this into words, so I apologize if it comes out weird. Those of us that come from abusive backgrounds are so used to keeping the peace and making everyone else happy at our own expense just to avoid conflict. It took becoming a parent myself to realize that it's not my job to make my parents happy. It's my job to make myself and my children and my husband happy. That is my family. I don't belong to my mother anymore. I'm not her property. She can't tell me what to do, and she doesn't have control over my life anymore. It may sound so easy to some, but it was a very difficult thing for me to realize.

I still have problems seeing myself as a good mother, though. I am usually able to tell myself "I know I am doing the best for my child," but every now and then, I let those criticisms sneak in and I question myself. My husband is a great support. He tells me that I am such a good mom that I make other people feel bad about their own parenting. They criticize me to make themselves feel better. Most of the time that really helps.

I'm still working on this myself, so I don't have much help to offer. I'm also very sorry that you came here looking for a safe place to get some support and ended up being judged here, too. I'm sure that there are support groups for abuse survivors. I haven't actually looked into it because I am still too afraid to go there. If you decide to leave MDC, maybe there is another place where you can find the support you need? I hope everything works out for you

[Lisa1970]

Is his family going to be better than yours? Your family is out of line!!! You are doing everything right!

I know it was hard for me to stand up to anyone when I had my first. But eventually, I learned to. I get indignant now when someone attempts to address my child instead of me in the way they have been doing to yours. Do not cry in front of them, even if you feel like crying. It will make them feel like they have power and keep going. Do not give in at all to anything.

(((((hugs)))))  I wish I could help you more, I just know exactly what you are going through.

[marinak1977]

Oh mama. I hope you don't leave MDC - there are a lot of people here who are great and supportive. I hope you can find peace and support in your DH and your DD and separate yourself as much as you can from your toxic family.
Good luck with finding your own place and please stay here.