Need advice on how to handle situation with friend's child - Page 2

[luckymamaoftwo]

Originally Posted by midnightwriter 

If it was my 3 yo who wanted to play with just recently left toys (a couple of minutes?) I'd be sure to double check with the child who played with those toys just 2-3 minutes ago. "Are you done with the sand toys?" Because in my mind, a child who walked away for a couple of minutes hasn't necessarily abandoned the toys. Without this kind of double checking, I agree with the other mom--her child did have them first, and in his mind, hasn't gave away his turn yet. Not sure whether I would verbalise this though, in the situation--I can see the other child's perspective as well. To her, the toys were left alone, and she started playing with them. I'd try to make this point to my child--telling him that because he left the toys unattended, it was someone else's turn now, and he should wait for his.

I also think that if someone is really upset over wanting a toy, it is not necesssarily a bad lesson to be empathetic and give up your turn.

Midnightwriter-

I agree that in theory it would be great to double check with the other child who left the items behind, but honestly at play dates/story times/park, etc. I'm already darn busy trying to keep an eye on my 1 yr old busy baby and my 3 year old. So to think about chasing down other kids to "check" in with them to see if they were okay with my DD picking up a left behind toy, I would say that it's unrealistic. And besides, I can't imagine that a pre-school teacher, or the like, would do this all day long with every child...right? So I get what you're saying and in certain situations, sure, I can do it, but it's not something I would do consistently nor do I feel it's necessary. 

I also agree that it's a good lesson in empathy to give up a coveted toy. My DD is a very empathetic child so I'm on board with this theory, but I also don't want to see her being the child who always feels empathy for an upset friend, causing her to always pass along something she is actively engaged with. 

[sunnygir1]

Originally Posted by luckymamaoftwo 

Midnightwriter-

I agree that in theory it would be great to double check with the other child who left the items behind, but honestly at play dates/story times/park, etc. I'm already darn busy trying to keep an eye on my 1 yr old busy baby and my 3 year old. So to think about chasing down other kids to "check" in with them to see if they were okay with my DD picking up a left behind toy, I would say that it's unrealistic. And besides, I can't imagine that a pre-school teacher, or the like, would do this all day long with every child...right? So I get what you're saying and in certain situations, sure, I can do it, but it's not something I would do consistently nor do I feel it's necessary. 

I also agree that it's a good lesson in empathy to give up a coveted toy. My DD is a very empathetic child so I'm on board with this theory, but I also don't want to see her being the child who always feels empathy for an upset friend, causing her to always pass along something she is actively engaged with. 

But you did post about a specific situation with your friend's child that you are concerned about repeating -- not all day every day with every child in every situation.  I think everyone has agreed that your friend's comment was out of line, and that your dd should not be expected to turn over the toy every time your friend's lo yells.  It seems like with this particular friendship, however, that it will take a little extra attention from you and your friend to help the little ones sort it out peacefully and fairly.
 

[luckymamaoftwo]

Originally Posted by sunnygir1 

But you did post about a specific situation with your friend's child that you are concerned about repeating -- not all day every day with every child in every situation.  I think everyone has agreed that your friend's comment was out of line, and that your dd should not be expected to turn over the toy every time your friend's lo yells.  It seems like with this particular friendship, however, that it will take a little extra attention from you and your friend to help the little ones sort it out peacefully and fairly.
 

Agreed.

It is an issue that comes up every time we are with them, so I was referring to him in my post about not being able to double check with him every time he leaves a toy behind. I shouldn't have said "other kids" but rather "friend." And yes, it does take more attention from me when we are together, and yes that is hard but I enjoy friend's mama (and him) so I'm definitely willing to work through it peacefully and fairly.

But I still stand by my original opinion that I don't feel I should have to constantly check in with friend each time he drops a toy (or leaf, stick, flower, ball, whatever he claims), just to avoid a situation where he will scream at my DD for picking up the item. That sounds exhausting and honestly, I feel like that's enabling him to be in control of everything he deems "his." Maybe I'm off-base in thinking this isnt' realistic. Like I said, in certain situations...okay...but constantly? 

i appreciate midnightwriter's perspective but I don't think that will work for me.

[Boot]

I do 'turn taking' but with a twist. I will say 'it's ___'s turn now. In one minute it will be your turn'. Then I'll say to the other child 'One more minute then it's _____'s turn.' I think otherwise, the first child may hang on to the toy for a really long time, saying they're not done yet. Of course, a minute doesn't mean anything to a young child so sometimes it will be 5 minutes and sometimes it will be 30 seconds but usually the first child is happy to hand over the toy when I say it's time. Sometimes the second child has got into another activity by then and doesn't even want it. I agree that it might be a good idea to talk to the other mum. 'It seems the kids are having a bit of trouble sharing. Let's get on the same page about how to handle it.' 

[midnightwriter]

Parenting a spirited child, or a child that is taking atypical or not approved by the mainstream routes, is hard. I don't think that those who don't have such a challenge can even appreciate what parenting such a child is. There are no easy solutions. With some children a little push is fine. With some it isn't. Or in some areas it is fine, but not in others. There's a lot of finetuning that a parent has to do, and the road is never clear, and there's always self doubt. DD (just turned 9) was fearful of many things, and at times I wasn't sure whether to give her little respectful nudges or not. Sometimes I tried and didn't work, sometimes I didn't try, and was uncertain. Either way I was uncertain of our path.

She is turning into a child who is extremely aware of what she wants to do and what she can do. Exactly a year ago, she wanted a scooter. We got her that scooter right away--she'd been fearful of scooters and bikes, and we wanted to encourage her. She tried it twice, and that was it. She was scared, didn't like it, and was frustrated that she couldn't learn right away. I suggested she'd use it again. I reminded her of the learning curve. Nothing moved her. Today she said she was going to ride it. As she walked away with the scooter, down the street, DH said we should prepare bandages, first aid, and plenty of patience--she doesn't take injuries easy. She's been out for several hours now. She's riding it a like a pro, up hill and down hill, and having fun. So in some areas, definitely, if I let her wait for her own time, things work out great. I was giving mysel a pat on my back--she can really achieve a lot when she wants to, and then nothing can stop her. Good mommy, I didn't pressure her into it. And yet the wait is hard, and again, there are many uncertainties.

Don't blame yourself for respecting your DC's wishes. You just never know how things develop, impossible to predict. You did what you thought was right, and you are doing now what you believe is right. It is just hard, very hard. There's no other way around it.

Originally Posted by Ellien C 

Originally Posted by chaoticzenmom

Her solution for a baby not liking a carseat is to not go anywhere in the car

I want to pull on this a little. I feel like I've taken that approach with my DD. Not the car seat because I WOH but - she didn't want to take soccer, or ballet or engage in any activities outside of the house. She is 7 and doesn't ride a bike or tie her shoes and now she has a FEAR of these things. Playful Parenting has more of an approach on how we need to encourage them to get OVER their fears - but in a respectful way. We need to be the support that lets them try new things. DD doesn't want to play soccer now because she doesn't know how. I kind of wish I had just enrolled her in things when she was littler. I'm spending some time now "supporting" her in trying new activities, but I feel like we've let a lot of things build up while trying to be "respectful." I mean I AM and adult. I do have some experience in the world and I know a lot of things won't kill you and won't be so scary than the average 5 yo perceives them to be.