Trapped ADD mom with 2 ADHD kids need some SERIOUS help!!

[addmom2adhdkids]

I have joint legal custody with my daughter’s father; he lives in Janesville, has 3 more children since our daughter, isn’t active in her life, and we’ve had hygiene & safety issues every time she’s came home from a visit.  Since 1999 when our divorce was final, he has been able to indirectly control my life, my future, and my success through the joint legal custody arrangement.  He makes no “noise” unless either he gets taken back to court for not paying support, or if I follow my dreams/goals, and in turn contact the courts to get permission to do so AND take my daughter with me.  When the court hearing is in session, he all of a sudden plays “concerned father”, and the judge falls for it.  This has been an on-going dilemma for me & my family for almost 12 years in so many ways.

My daughter was diagnosed with having ADHD when she was young, I was recently diagnosed with having ADD, and my son is in the process of being evaluated.  Throughout the past few years, I have been researching best options for education, therapy, and management skills for my family.  Amidst doing this research, I have found that Milwaukee isn’t in the “top 10” for areas that are knowledgeable, cooperative, or even compassionate with such struggles as we have daily.  Also, my children have been faced with many struggles with their education. 


For example, my daughter has an Individualized Education Plan; but I don’t feel that is sufficient.  There have been evaluations done with regards to her academic levels, and she -has been rated at least a grade behind in more than one area.  Because of this, I have been doing research on schools that are “equipped” for children with such struggles & special needs; needless, to say, NONE of them are in Wisconsin.  Not that we don’t have any support or resources, but I’m looking for the best possible that my children can get for their needs, as well as my own!  Throughout my research, I have come across some other areas of the country where there has been done extensive research & studies on, as well as extensive support & guidance for people like my family to not only improve their lives, but also give them the best possible chance at a great & productive life.

To make a long story short, I am seriously considering relocating to another part of the country; but am not willing to leave my daughter here with her father.  I know she will not get the kind of support, guidance, treatment, and help that she badly needs & deserves.  I am a struggling single mother financially here as it is; so getting a high-priced, famous attorney is out of the question for me.  At the same time, my children’s success,  growth, improvement and all is next to oxygen as a necessity for me.  I truly need some legal guidance, and possibly representation; for my daughter and for my family’s opportunity to LIVE.

Can anyone help me with this? 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Hi there! Welcome to MDC and the special needs parenting forum. I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. There is nothing worse than feeling like your kids can not get the support they need. I hope there are some members here who can give you some advice on how to find a lawyer to help you out and things you can do to help you get your children the support they need.

[Emmeline II]

I'd try posting on the Single Parents board.

[LynnS6]

It sounds like you're really frustrated!

A couple of thoughts. First, you don't need 'the best' system for your daughter. You need one good school that meets her needs. Even if the best systems aren't in Milwaukee, I bet there's at least one good school that would meet her needs somewhere in southeastern WI. What about areas around Milwaukee -- Waukesha, Brookfield, Oconomowoc, etc. ? Heck, what about Madison? If her current school isn't doing it for her, have you worked at getting her IEP modified?

Has your daughter been seen by a developmental pediatrician? It sounds as if she's got more going on than just ADHD if she's got significant academic delay. There's a good center in Madison called the Waisman Center -- it's connected with the University of Wisconsin and has both clinical services and research programs. They've got a center for developmental disabilities that might be a good place to start: http://www.waisman.wisc.edu/iddrc/. While it doesn't sound like your daughter has a severe developmental delay, it sounds like she's got some. If they can't help, they might be able to refer you to someone who can.

I suspect the Single Parents board can give you better advice as to how to document her dad's involvement/lack of involvement and patterns of behavior concerning custody. 

[beachcomber]

Have you been with the same legal counsel throughout the divorce and subsequent court appearances? if so, you should consider working with a better more aggressive lawyer. I'd suggest looking for a feminist lawyer who might make your case more political. You're being manipulated through the courts and that's unacceptable.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by LynnS6 

It sounds like you're really frustrated!

A couple of thoughts. First, you don't need 'the best' system for your daughter. You need one good school that meets her needs. Even if the best systems aren't in Milwaukee, I bet there's at least one good school that would meet her needs somewhere in southeastern WI. What about areas around Milwaukee -- Waukesha, Brookfield, Oconomowoc, etc. ? Heck, what about Madison?

I was thinking that as well. Maybe there is another school in the "radius" that she can move around in without court permission; sometimes you can move within the same district if there is room. We left a well regarded district for a charter school because we didn't like the administration or how they handled ds.
 

Has your daughter been seen by a developmental pediatrician? It sounds as if she's got more going on than just ADHD if she's got significant academic delay. There's a good center in Madison called the Waisman Center -- it's connected with the University of Wisconsin and has both clinical services and research programs. They've got a center for developmental disabilities that might be a good place to start: http://www.waisman.wisc.edu/iddrc/.

My son's chief ADHD issue is behavior (he is academically at or above target) and we got a lot out of a similar clinic here. I have read that 30-50% of those with ADHD have a learning disability.

[melissa17s]

Hello, my ds has adhd and dyslexia, and for us moving/switching schools is not an option.  What has helped us the most in his situation at school is that I meet with his teachers once a week.  He has accommodations that allow me to work with him on homework and he spends 1.5 hours with the special ed teacher per day as part of his iep.  They have been more than willing to include ideas I have for developing strategies to help ds.  He is only in 4th grade this year, but I have talked with our psychologist, and she felt even at the high school level, we would have to be very involved in his education - more so, than kids without disabilities.

I think you should to try to make a regular meeting time with you dc's teachers to start communicating about concerns.  If you can not meet with the teachers, I would recommend regular phone calls or emailing to talk about your dc's progress.  I also think meeting with specialized psychologist or psychiatrist would help.