intense 8 year old - your resources

[meemee]

mamas of slightly older children ....

i am seeking your words of wisdom.

i notice parenting changing - or should i say evolving to a whole different level - and i am floundering.

so i was wondering how you have changed as a parent...

and what your resources are.

i am the mother of an extremely intense, philosophical, high needs baby who when she is in a mood has extreme emotions. a lot i feel is in her head where she blows things out of proportion. 

recently we had some bullying to deal with. mind u this is 'mild' bullying. the school has a serious 0 bullying stance.

but you know. girls at 9 -10 (most of her 3rd graders have turned 9) are extremely catty. teasing, calling names. and one boy whom dd has been in first grade with 'hitting' her. when he'd pass her he would reach out and smack her - not hard physically but hard enough emotionally.

i was shocked that dd reacted. she never has before and taken things under her belt.

this time though i think with all her emotions she struggled. 

my biggest struggle was that she didnt want me to get involved at her school. she wanted to handle it. and she did with the teacher. and the teacher took measures. however i also had some of my friends talk to dd. who didnt directly ask dd for details but shared their own life experience. i think the biggest help came from another girl in dd's class whom i overheard her say 'why do u let them hurt you. if you get strong and say they wont hurt you - then no matter what they say - it wont hurt you'. dd has taken that to heart really strongly. 

dd has been doing good lately (i think her intense emotions - extreme ups and downs - perhaps teh phase is ending).

but i am left floundering. OMG i need to rethink parenting philosophy. i need to back off and let her experience things herself. i mean we are very close. she talks - for which i am so grateful. 

i so want to jump in and fix everything. but i notice my silence is getting more important than my speaking. i feel i am starting the babysteps of preparing for the teens. 

in a sense i feel i am truly starting to parent. while it was hard with a high needs child - it is so much easier parenting then than now. time to wipe the dust off of the how to talk book.  

a time to withdraw in a sense of dd's life and yet be there fully. how to keep silent. 

any sage pieces of wisdom from you moms who have btdt?

[NZJMama]

I wih I had some advice for you, my oldest is 6. I have always thought that parenting would get trickier as they approach their teens. Sending you hugs and good luck.

[madskye]

I'm not a parent of an older child either, but I think you are right that observing, being present, and offering resources like friends and other poeple to talk to...so important!!!!  To not be judgmental but still be there...to keep the communication open, it's hard but I think you are intuiting what she needs and she is lucky to have you.

[foothills mama]

My son is 7, but I WAS that kid that you're describing. I think you've got a good bead on what needs to happen - she does need to have room to deal with things herself because how valuable is that for her in life? My mom was the insane, rabid mama bear who would come into the school with guns blazing and a frothing anger to tear the principal a new one. Not saying you're like that *whatsoever*(!), but it was beyond humiliating. I'm pretty rational and was as a kid and all I wanted was to handle things myself and to have her support my choices and rationales. If things went south, then I would've asked for help. With my mother interfering so much, I shut down and shut up. Your silence as your daughter learns to behave like a Strong Woman (TM) is valuable - you're giving her your trust, your "OK" to be her own chick, your support and omigod, is that important at this stage. Be her training wheels, touch the ground for her when things go off kilter. That's what I wish my mom had done, and that you recognize it's time to sit on your hands a bit is awesome and I think you'll be fine!

My son is starting to take the reins more in his life too, we are (very fortunately) kept abreast of the major events by his school, which is small and able to do so. Otherwise, we chat about his day, ask who he plays with, who he likes to do activities with in class, what bothered him today or what was great and why. He fills in the blanks, and if any of the questions - which feel like a mantra mixed with an interrogation! - spark something, he tells us about it. Sometimes he gets crap off of other kids and we discuss it. We talk about tactics, and we reinforce what it means to be a good person with a strong character. I think that's all you can do, the rest for them is all learning, even though it can be so painful to watch! Oh, those heartstrings twang hard, don't they?

Good Luck to you! You'll do great