"I just want to be mean to people."

[mston]

My soon to be 3 dd says this whenever I remind her to use a nicer voice whentalking to people. When we're out at stores or walking she'll respond to any overture from adults with a growling yell, usually negating whatever they just said.
"is that your umbrella?"
"No it's NOT!!!"
"you look wonderful inthat dress!"
"No I DON'T!!!"
Etc etc
My best guess is that she doesn't like social interactions that she doesn't initiate. She will often randomly greet people walking down the street with a sweet "hello!".
Any ideas of how to explain or remind her about a bare minimum of social grace? Any ideas about why she does this or how I can explain to her about politeness without making her think it's important to please others despite feeling uncomfortable? I have tried to suggest she use words like "I don't feel like talking right now" if she gets the growly feeling. Didn't seem to take.

[luckymamaoftwo]

Aah! My 3yr old DD exactly! Exactly! Will be following this post with interest.

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by mston 

My soon to be 3 dd says this whenever I remind her to use a nicer voice whentalking to people. When we're out at stores or walking she'll respond to any overture from adults with a growling yell, usually negating whatever they just said.
"is that your umbrella?"
"No it's NOT!!!"
"you look wonderful inthat dress!"
"No I DON'T!!!"
Etc etc
My best guess is that she doesn't like social interactions that she doesn't initiate. She will often randomly greet people walking down the street with a sweet "hello!".
Any ideas of how to explain or remind her about a bare minimum of social grace? Any ideas about why she does this or how I can explain to her about politeness without making her think it's important to please others despite feeling uncomfortable? I have tried to suggest she use words like "I don't feel like talking right now" if she gets the growly feeling. Didn't seem to take.

It will take, but it takes time to learn these skills.

I say this a lot on these boards, but it is my best frame of reference:  I think for toddlers, they are learning a new language and languages come alos with cultural awareness and sometimes people are fooled by linguistic ability and assume you also understand how important their version of social grace is, automatically.

Here is my analogy:  In Spanish there are ways for speaking to friends and ways to speak to people of authority or peopel in shops etc.  If you mix these people can think you are being very very rude (even if said with a smile).  I USUALLY remember these forms and keep them distinct, but not always.  And when I forget I offend people and have to work hard to win them over again.  It is tedious and sometimes, when I am in a bad mood, I really do not give a rats ass if I offend someone and I think...If they have a problem with my Spanish they can suck it!

So sometimes I think young children just need a learning curve, consistent reminders of how to speak politely to strangers, people we love, etc.  It takes YEARS to learn the intricacies of a foreign language, and they are learning their FIRST language, so they need some slack and help and guidance.  By five or six they usually get the basics down as second nature.  Small talk is also a learned trait from societies like the US and UK.  My husband tells me that in Finland small talk is almost unheard of he used to give classes to teach how to do it without offending someone. These communication skills are difficult to acquire, and set apart the highly fluent/verbal from the native speakers.

Give her time and loving consistent modelling and guidance.  She'll get there.  In meantime, you can apologize to people on her behalf if you find it embarassing.  Most people understand though that 3 yo are still beginner communicators and forgive a great deal of this sort of thing.

[mston]

Thanks for your replies. Luckymama- I know I should just assume this by now, but it really helped to know my dd isn't the only kid who does this.
And hakeber, I have to say I LOVED the perspective you gave! About getting fed up with learning a whole set of (seemingly) arbitrary social conventions and how actually quite exhausting it is sometimes.
I was schooled by a shopkeeper in Italy once about the exact same formal/personal address issue, and it's so cringeably vivid in my head to this day. I would like to avoid giving my dd the same kinds of feelings!
It also reminded me of my own feelings of success breeding success - I'm going to work harder at moving the tone of my response to her growling from admonishment to a more encouraging reminder.
It IS kind of embarrassing, but i think it will really help me to imagine her as a guest in my world, and treat her with the same gentleness i would show anyone who is learning the ropes. So many ropes!
Thank you!