ETA: I don't mean chatting online, I mean in real life (to spouse etc.)
Edited by crunchy_mommy - 5/20/11 at 1:23pm
I work from home. I think it would be too strict if I was off-limits for casual conversation all day. So I'm open to it unless I indicate that I'm busy.
It works because my "can I talk to you later?" or whatever is respected and nobody gets upset. So there's no resentment or guessing. If DH talks to me, he knows it's cool unless I say otherwise.
DH is the same way - I consider him open for conversation unless he does the "uh-huh" thing, which is not a purposeful "hint"; it's just him being distracted. So I just recognize when he's engaged with what he's doing and drop the conversation. It works because usually he's open to it. It would not feel good to me if it were "don't bother me when I'm on the computer - ever."
I don't think I have a choice if I would be or not!
Either DD is asleep or occupied and I'm good or she is at me and I'm not on the computer, or I'm with DH and he is busy reading or something or if he's bored he's trying to chat with me but getting frustrated because I am distracted so once again I lose the computer. I don't shut myself off just because I'm on the computer.
I first I was confused by your question, OP, because I didn't know if you meant live people or those little PMs that come up on places like Facebook!
If it is a live person that I live with, then it depends. If I have to do work, then it is understood that I need too work without interruptions. Silly interruptions, not serious stuff. If I'm just surfing the web or on the computer for enjoyment, then it is an open playing field, and I'm available for talk, interruptions, whatever.
It depends on what I'm doing on the computer. At this moment, I would be perfectly ok with someone engaging me in conversation, but say I'm doing homework or work work (not that I have any right now, though I'm going back to school in september) then no, if you try talking to me and it's not an emergency then I will just ignore you.
It depends on what I'm doing. If I'm right in the middle of a serious post - one that requires a lot of thought or is emotionally fraught - then I'm not. I'm also not available for casual conversations if I'm in the middle of figuring out the banking or writing up my reports for the homeschooling system we use. If I'm reading something very involved, I may or may not be open to chat, but will probably want a few seconds to switch gears.
If I'm just mucking around on Facebook or most of my MDC time? Sure - not a problem. I have the computer on most of the time when I'm home, so I'm on and off of here like a ping-pong ball, anyway.
i read the question thinking about IMing. So I said yes. but if it means other people in the house, well.. okay, i guess the answer *still* is yes, but if I'm reading something long (news article, blog post, etc) or trying to type up a thoughtful email or something, I really want people to stfu until I'm finished, yknow?! lol. if I'm going something more casual, like a message board thread (provided there's not a super long post i'm trying to read) or my FB feed, then it doesn't bother me a bit if dh talks to me. when i'm just reading short blurbs people post on fb, interrupting to talk to someone doesn't make me lose my train of thought in the same way it would if it were a longer article or post of some sort. With IMing, you can see the message flashing, finish the sentence/paragraph/post you're on and read the message when you're darn well ready to look at it! so even if i'm in the middle of something i'd rather not have interrupted, it doesn't seem as intrusive.
I answered thinking you were talking about messaging through the computer and for that I said no. I pretty much never use chatting features because I am not a fast typist and I get stressed out trying to respond quickly enough- LOL (I do realize you don't have to respond as quick as when speaking in person but it still stresses me out!). However, at home or work, I am always free to chat about something unless I am in a time crunch.
OT, but I am like this about the phone. If I have a phone to my ear, DO NOT try to talk to me, tell me to ask the other called a question, or try to just become a part of the conversation. I might terminate the call and throw the phone at you. lol Not really, but Im that adament about it.
No you don't. What needs to happen is that your dh needs to respect you saying "reading, shush!" and then you need to go over and let him know you can talk now when you finish. What also needs to happen is that you need to tell him out loud "hey, I'm here now, want to talk?" and then let him know "okay then, I'm going to my computer" if he isn't talking to you.
Because it sounds like your dh has the same instinct that kids get where as soon as you're doing something else they can feel your attention leave and they promptly move to get it back.
Yeah, I agree, it's not (necessarily, at least) you that needs to change.
I wrote I was available but I also included the context that I am on the computer all day (because I work from home). If I only got 10 minutes a day to jump on, I would definitely want that to be respected.
My feelings would be hurt if DH were on the computer for hours and hours but I couldn't talk to him. I'd feel like he was shutting me out of half his life or something. But if he needed 20 minutes to unwind, or was in the middle of something he was putting his focus on, I wouldn't be hurt at all - knowing that I'd have his attention some other time.
I work at home a number of days in the week too (and also many times will work at least for some minutes at night/on the weekends) as does DH. For me when I'm actually working (vs. on MDC or FB because I have seriuos problems actually getting started when it comes to work), I really need that time respected. I swear I have some random version of ADHD that only comes up when I need to get work done (don't get me wrong I actually enjoy my job but I just have such a hard time concentrating it's ridiculous) so I need my full concentration. That being said if I'm looking at facebook or something that's fine (unless I might want to finish reading a post or something).
DH, on the other hand, can and should be distracted when it comes to work because he has the tendency to get over-involved to the point he'll forget to eat or go to the bathroom so he really NEEDS to be distracted and pulled away from it. So if he's working, unless he's writing an important email, I will chat with him every now and then to bring him back to reality (and he knows that and understand that's what I'm doing).
BTW, our talking time is normally when we're doing stuff. Like cleaning, picking-up, cooking. We normally do these activities together and that's our chatting time (well, and we work together too...) so we actually talk quite a bit during the date itself so he doesn't feel the need to talk to me while I'm on the computer as much (now DD is a totally different story but I've pretty much given up looking at the computer when she's around unless she's watching TV).