What is best for DSS?Warning: Long and Vent.

[csekywithlove]

I have been here before and posted. Things have been going well for a while but after a recent conversation with a family member I am constantly questioning myself and what is best for my DSS. Advice and any help will be greatly appreciated.

Background: My DH has joint custody with his ex gf, never married, paternity proven, etc. She is ordered to pay the state minimum sixty dollars a month. We pushed the child support because she flat out refused to pay. We know that if the tables were turned, DH would have to pay well.... let's face it probably more than double. In the same way that I believe no man should get out of child support, I do not believe having ovaries should get you out of it either. She has two other children that she only sees once a year and they live with her ex husband. DH has residential custody. Bio mom has not laid eyes on DSS since 10/17/10. No call on Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. We pushed child support and she made two months worth of payments so that she would not have to go to jail. She drove 130+ miles up to the child support office, paid in cash, told the office worker she was going to get a lawyer and request visitation (because for some reason she thinks she doesn't have it, which makes no sense to us), left traveled to a big city and had an outing with friends (a friend found pics on fb). She didn't even call. Less than 10 minutes away, passed our house on the way to the office and no call to ask to see him. 

Out of the blue three weeks ago she texts, from a number we don't know, asking to talk to DSS. He is two, almost three. That day, being a Sunday was really busy for us. So we called the next evening. DSS didn't want to talk he was more interested in playing with DH and I. So most of the conversation was between she and I. There was no yelling it was very civil, she still has no job, relies on the mercy of a church to pay her bills, has no transportation, made a note to tell me that she couldn't travel well anymore (she always complains about her health but she is as able as my DH and I), and tells me she is now in an open-relationship with some guy. Forty-two minutes of conversation and she NEVER ASKED FOR VISITATION. We haven't heard from her since. The visitation agreement is standard. Every other weekend, every other holiday, meet halfway, we supply clothes, diapers, etc. DH and I both work full time jobs, pay child care, have bills, etc.

Regardless of her past violent history (assault on my DH and me), her unwillingness to co-parent ( I have done everything but beg), and her blatant hate of me and my DH; I want what is best and right for my DSS. I appreciate her carrying and delivering him. I am grateful that she brought him into this world. I would love to share how great he is with her.

Yes he does know me as Mom, and how can I correct him when he doesn't know who she is? I have been with him every day for almost 2 yrs now. Should we keep pressing child support and hope that she voluntarily gives up her rights so that I could adopt? Should we take her to court? And what if we do? What if 10 years from now DSS asks me why I am not his real mom and where she is? 

Again, I want what is best for him. My family member told me that she let her ex fade into the background, he popped up when her dd was 8 yrs old. Her dd realized what an unreliable person he was and to this day as a 19 yr old refers to him as the "sperm donor." She pressed upon me to not influence DSS and his idea of bio mom. And I don't want to. But I want him safe, happy, and yes one day I do want to be a mother on paper to the child of my heart.

Heavy, I know. But how does one battle with her own maternal instinct without butting out the actual mother?

[sapphire_chan]

What would need to happen for you to adopt dss? Does it have to start from his mom's end or could you initiate something at your end?

[delilahs]

Hi Ceskeywithlove,
 

Im only new here but I read your question and thought I could help. The biggest lesson i've learnt as a stepmum is nothing I do can change who the mother of my stepson is.

I'm in a very similar situation, while his mother would never let me adopt, she doesn't seem to be interested in being a part of his life. It's important to remember that you're not butting her out - she is refusing to get involved. Nothing you do will affect her choices, make her a better mum, or make it easier for your stepson to accept his birth mother didn't want to be there. It's best for your stepson if you don't force yourself to fight a battle that you will never win (trying to reach out to a woman who has made it clear what her intentions are). A mother will move mountains to get to her child. Your stepson deserves a mother who will move mountains, not a mother who needs convincing to be in his life. 

If her son is not enough to inspire her to change her ways and be in his life, nothing you do will be enough either. I wouldn't correct him when he calls you mom, it would only serve to make his little world confusing. Perhaps you can deal with visitation when it comes down to it - she doesn't seem in any great hurry and from the sounds of things has an issue following through anyway. If she does actively push for visitation (though it sounds unlikely) it might be worth suggesting to your partner that you go down the mediation route to make formal arrangements. (this might make the whole thing unappealing to her, and means times are locked in to a schedule too.)
 

Really hope this helps,
 

Delilah.
www.stepchildren.co.uk - the practical guide for step parents

[csekywithlove]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

What would need to happen for you to adopt dss? Does it have to start from his mom's end or could you initiate something at your end?

             In our state we need 90 days of no visitation or contact with DSS and 90 days of no child support from the bio mom. With  that said we need a pattern behind that, showing to the judge that she will not do any better than she is now. Basically that she will not be a better mother in the foreseeable future. Our County Attorney told us this. He retains his private practice and would be willing to take the case. Which is definitely a plus for us. We would involuntarily terminate her rights and have me adopt him in one sitting.

Originally Posted by delilahs 

Hi Ceskeywithlove,
 

Im only new here but I read your question and thought I could help. The biggest lesson i've learnt as a stepmum is nothing I do can change who the mother of my stepson is.

I'm in a very similar situation, while his mother would never let me adopt, she doesn't seem to be interested in being a part of his life. It's important to remember that you're not butting her out - she is refusing to get involved. Nothing you do will affect her choices, make her a better mum, or make it easier for your stepson to accept his birth mother didn't want to be there. It's best for your stepson if you don't force yourself to fight a battle that you will never win (trying to reach out to a woman who has made it clear what her intentions are). A mother will move mountains to get to her child. Your stepson deserves a mother who will move mountains, not a mother who needs convincing to be in his life. 

If her son is not enough to inspire her to change her ways and be in his life, nothing you do will be enough either. I wouldn't correct him when he calls you mom, it would only serve to make his little world confusing. Perhaps you can deal with visitation when it comes down to it - she doesn't seem in any great hurry and from the sounds of things has an issue following through anyway. If she does actively push for visitation (though it sounds unlikely) it might be worth suggesting to your partner that you go down the mediation route to make formal arrangements. (this might make the whole thing unappealing to her, and means times are locked in to a schedule too.)
 

Really hope this helps,
 

Delilah.
www.stepchildren.co.uk - the practical guide for step parents

                 We have visitation set up but of course she doesn't want to take it. We moved to a different county from the original order. In the county we live in we can terminate her rights and I can adopt him. In the other county we can do that also but only in that county can we modify her visitation. My husband spoke to our old attorney. He asked about getting her visitation lowered somehow since she isn't even using it. The attorney told him that "She (bio mom) has rights too and a judge will never sign off on that  in X county."

                 Thanks for the understanding, Delilah. You are right on point with how I am feeling about the situation.