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When do you call it quits with DH/SO?

post #1 of 15
Thread Starter 

Had this discussion with some friends about this the other day. Obviously there is going to be differing opinions but where do YOU personally draw the line? Just want to here others opinions.  I would leave, immediately, if there was abuse of my or ANY child or of me, physical or emotional. I would consider leaving if there was cheating, drugs (if he wouldn't get professional help), out-of-control drinking, or routine smoking. Those are the biggies for me.

post #2 of 15

The problem with stating, I would leave if there was any emotional abuse, is that unless youve BTDT (and sometimes even if you have), the signs are SOOO hard to tell.  And usually, the abuse is so subtle and gradual, by the time you realize its emotional abuse, You feel so trapped like there is NO WAY OUT. 

 

Just sayin. 

 

There is such a wide range of possibilities, Im not sure I can answer this question.  I just dont feel that real life circumstances can be this black and white. 

 

Sorry, guess I shouldnt have answered then huh? 2whistle.gif

post #3 of 15


 

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~ View Post

 

I just dont feel that real life circumstances can be this black and white. 

 


agreed. I know marriages that have survived affairs, and used them as a wake up call to really fix their marriage and make it wonderful. 

 

I also know a woman who ended her marriage because she was miserable, but could never put her finger on why. She's reasonably sure he was cheating, but could never prove it. She ended up feeling like it really didn't matter if he was or not, because he was just so disconnected. But none of the things in your list was the case. He just wasn't really in the marriage any more.

 

I'm past the "I would leave if" stage. We have a list of what it means for our marriage to wonderful. That's where my focus is. We take at least a few minutes every single day to connect with what is going on with the other and really listen to how they feel. We eat at least one meal together every week without our kids, and spend more time really connecting. We do things together we enjoy, and pamper each other. 

post #4 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Charlie's~Angel~ View Post

The problem with stating, I would leave if there was any emotional abuse, is that unless youve BTDT (and sometimes even if you have), the signs are SOOO hard to tell.  And usually, the abuse is so subtle and gradual, by the time you realize its emotional abuse, You feel so trapped like there is NO WAY OUT. 

 


This!  Oh, God yes, this.  Emotional abuse is insidious.  It sneaks up on you and grows.  You become convinced it is all. your. fault. Most emotional abusers are master manipulators and can warp the mind of the strongest woman.  Trust me.  I KNOW I need to end the marriage, but just cannot find the energy to make it happen.  Which is so *not* me in all other aspects of my life.  I truly make myself sick sometimes, thinking what I put up with on a daily basis.

 

post #5 of 15


Oh mama, I am so sorry. 
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweeetpea View Post




This!  Oh, God yes, this.  Emotional abuse is insidious.  It sneaks up on you and grows.  You become convinced it is all. your. fault. Most emotional abusers are master manipulators and can warp the mind of the strongest woman.  Trust me.  I KNOW I need to end the marriage, but just cannot find the energy to make it happen.  Which is so *not* me in all other aspects of my life.  I truly make myself sick sometimes, thinking what I put up with on a daily basis.

 

I believe this is called Gas-lighting.  HUGS!

 

 

post #6 of 15

I agree with the PPs about emotional abuse. I left an emotionally abusive marriage, and it really did creep up on me. At first it was controlling little things, and then towards the end he started getting mad at me for wearing make up, doing my hair, accusing me of cheating on him whenever I left the house, and all sorts of crazy stuff. He got even worse after I filed for divorce, and is using the court system to continue his abuse (calling the police on me, filing restraining and protective orders against me.. for no reason other than to control and harass me).

 

So, this doesn't answer the OP's question. It would depend at the time and the circumstances. But I would most definatly leave someone who was abusive in any way.

post #7 of 15

I don't think I could make a blanket statement on much of anything. Committing certain crimes would be a deal breaker(stealing, assault to others, and so on). Illegal drug usage(maybe not pot, not sure) would be a deal-breaker. Certain self-destructive acts would be a deal-breaker. Physical abuse would absolutely be a deal-breaker, as would a complete abandonment of his familial responsibilities. 

Smoking would most definitely not be a deal-breaker, as my DH has struggled with staying 'quit' for as long as I've known him. In periods of stress, he relapses. 

Other things, I just don't know. It would depend. I would have to weigh a lot of things and make a decision based on that current situation, not just a hypothetical. 

post #8 of 15

I have to agree with the other comments about emotional abuse. It totally snuck up on me, and I spent at least two years (probably more like five) trying to fix all the things I was doing wrong, and feeling guilty over wanting really, really basic things for myself (and, not that it really matters, as I'm totally a joint finances type, but that wasn't even the "he works so hard for our money" type of guilt, as I was the main "breadwinner"). It took a statement from a third party - made online, and to this day, over 11 years later, I can still see the ICQ message on the screen - that my marriage was abusive to wake me the hell up. I'd been fed up, frustrated, etc. etc. etc. for years, but had never managed to achieve enough clarity to think of what he was doing as abusive.

 

I think I would leave more quickly than I did in my first marriage, if similar issues came up, but it's hard to say "I'd leave if...". Heck - I even know a couple who survived and thrived after he hit her once. It totally destroyed him that he'd crossed that line, and she saw it, and gave him one more chance...and he never even came close again (this was over 20 years ago). I think that even one episode of physical violence is my only clear line in the sand, but that couple makes me wonder.

 

Basically, after my first marriage, I'd say that I'd leave if I felt no respect for my partner, believed he had no respect for me, and really reached a point where I didn't even want to try to work it out, anymore. In my case, drug abuse, lying, stealing, and emotional abuse (mostly of the "turn it around so it's her fault, so that she can't call me on my actions" type) were all major factors, but it's hard to pin down the exact straw that broke the camel's back. The ICQ message from my friend was definitely one of the last few of those "straws", though. The bottom line was the he was fundamentally disrespectful to me, neglectful of ds1 (on those rare occasions when he had sole responsibility for him), and I'd lost all respect for him. That's a really hard place to bounce back from, especially when one party expects the other to just make it work on her (or his) own.

post #9 of 15

Abuse of any kind. Also probably would not put up with someone that was lazy(not working).Maybe even porno obsession would be a bit to much.

post #10 of 15

i don't know.  i'm going through divorce right now.  my mom said her three reasons that justify divorce are:

abuse

addiction

mental illness*

 

my marriage/divorce met all three of her criteria.  it's interesting that she ended her marriage because of cheating, but that wasn't on her list.  however, addiction/alcoholism was definitely a factor.

 

the other thing that's odd about this list is that, of course, all of these things were present at the beginning of our 8.5 year relationship.  it's one thing to say i'd end it over this stuff, but what about not even getting into this kind of relationship?  that's what i have to figure out now.  not my "deal-breakers" but my freaking standards to begin with.

 

*i know that's totally uncool, but ex's mental illness was a major factor in his abuse and addiction, and he wasn't willing to do anything about it - and, like i said, this is my mom's list.  i don't know if mental illness is really a deal-breaker for me.

post #11 of 15


 

Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

i don't know.  i'm going through divorce right now.  my mom said her three reasons that justify divorce are:

abuse

addiction

mental illness*

 



My Ex fits 2 of your 3 critiria.. He doesn't have any addictions as far as I know.. but def. emotional abuse probably stemming from mental illness. He's not been diagnosed with any mental illness, but I don't see how he could act the way he does without having one/some.

 

I don't know if I would call it quits over cheating.. it would have to depend on the circumstances. With my DF, if he cheated on me with his ex, I would call it quits- for sure. But if it was an isolated event in a moment of weakness, I would probably be more forgiving.

post #12 of 15

I used to listen to Dr. Laura's radio show years ago. She repeatedly said the "3 A's" were the non-negotiable reasons for ending a marriage:

 

Abuse, Addiction, Abandonment

 

Have to wholeheatedly agree.

 

Alcoholism is a big thing with me. My dad was an alcoholic. Rarely drink myself. I absolutely, positively will NOT put up with it in anyone. I've ended friendships over it.

post #13 of 15


DD, some things don't show up until you've been seeing someone for a while. There was one guy I dated a few months two years ago. He was from another country and preferred quiet, submissive women. I certainly ain't that. After about two months he started making cracks about "independent American women" - I was 40 at the time and never married. Of course, I was going to be independent! The cracks got more and more disrespectful, so I ditched him, citing "too many cultural differences."  He married the quiet, submissive type - and I've seen him totally walk all over her in public and treat her like crud.

 

I've got some non-negotiables and some "ideal situations." My ideal is if a guy's parents are either dead or live at a great distance. Mine were so cruddy (and still are) so I've no wish to deal with cruddy in-laws. A newish guy at my church who appears to be somewhat interested has no living immediate relatives in the US.

 

Mental illness - aside from something like depression that is being treated - would make me not even go out with someone.

 

I'm kinda picky, which is why I'm still single at 42, but much better than settling and ending up in a mess.

 

Frankly, I've pretty much got my cr*p together, so why should I want to expend energy and time on someone who does not have his cr*p together?

 

DD, you asked a very good question. Folks should also give some thought to what they don't want in a relationship, to avoid someone with those traits and not even start something.
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by doubledutch View Post

i don't know.  i'm going through divorce right now.  my mom said her three reasons that justify divorce are:

abuse

addiction

mental illness*

 

my marriage/divorce met all three of her criteria.  it's interesting that she ended her marriage because of cheating, but that wasn't on her list.  however, addiction/alcoholism was definitely a factor.

 

the other thing that's odd about this list is that, of course, all of these things were present at the beginning of our 8.5 year relationship.  it's one thing to say i'd end it over this stuff, but what about not even getting into this kind of relationship?  that's what i have to figure out now.  not my "deal-breakers" but my freaking standards to begin with.

 

*i know that's totally uncool, but ex's mental illness was a major factor in his abuse and addiction, and he wasn't willing to do anything about it - and, like i said, this is my mom's list.  i don't know if mental illness is really a deal-breaker for me.



 

 

post #14 of 15

I think that mental illness could be a good reason to divorce, esp. if the person refused treatment or was non-compliant with treatment. None of us should feel stuck with some one who refuses to help themselves.

 

None the less, I've been through major bouts of depression during my marriage, and am greatful that my DH has been wonderful and supportive.

post #15 of 15

Of course no one can 100% say, but I think my non-negotiables would likely be

1. abuse of any kind, to myself or my children

2. Drug addiction, or use.

3. Committing a horrendous crime

 

Cheating and mental illnesses might be on the list but those are circumstantial.

 

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