Physical battles with my 14 month old

[newmamalizzy]

My 14-month-old has gotten to an age where she shows her discontent very physically and I find myself having to wrestle with her often during the day.  In general I end up physically redirecting her as gently as possible while she fights me, but the fact that there's a physical altercation occurring at all makes me feel really weird, as though I'm abusing her - especially when she's screaming bloody murder throughout.  Then I have a "feelings cascade" of guilt and anger and frustration, etc., etc., and....man.  I don't like it one bit.  I'm assuming this physical aspect of her expression is only going to get stronger as she progresses into toddlerhood, so I'd really love some advice on how to deal with it, and also what level of "battle" is acceptable. 

Our biggest battles right now are over diaper changes and tantrums.  For diaper changes, distraction no longer seems to work, I let her play while I take off the old diaper and wipe her down, but when it comes to the 2 seconds it takes to put on the new one....meltdown and wrestling match occurs.  As for the tantrums, DD screams and flings herself violently to the ground (usually hitting her head) when she has to do something she doesn't want to, like if I have to put her down so I can pee, or take something away from her.  I anticipate this by catching her and wrestling her down to a safe position on the floor while she screams and writhes in my arms. 

Until recently, physical interaction between DD and I was always sweet - cuddles, feeding, snuggling to sleep, soothing, etc.  I don't want to have any negative physical interactions with my little baby, but it doesn't seem like it's entirely up to me...is it unavoidable?

[Jenni1894]

My 14 mo old lays down or goes limp when she doesn't want to do something.  lol

My my 3 1/2 yo...OMG you would have thought I was trying to kill her with the screams!!!  I used to have to drape a leg over her during diaper changes so I could have the 2 hands to clean her poop!! 

It's hard, I know, but it will get better.  They don't have words and are getting so independent they want to do what they want to do!   I just kept empathizing with her, I know you don't want to do xxx but lets do xx this and then you can do xxx.   And explain to her hey, there's no need to throw a fit!   We don't hit when we are mad.  I don't know....I always talk to my kids like they understand what I'm saying.   Maybe it's wrong, but that's what I did w/my DD when she freaks out.   And as far as a fit when you put her down to pee or something.   Again i just told her again, sorry, i know your mad but I have to pee or whatever.   Then go to her and tell her see I'm back, I told you I'd be right back!!! 

[lovepickles]

Oh ladies this is good news! I know it sounds crazy but having a child that can safely express an opinion is something to celebrate. They are asserting their wants and will no longer tolerate things they do not like. My daughter is SOOO opinionated and at times it is difficult but I would much rather her feel safe about expressing herself.

DD is 16 months and we just switched to pull ups entirely so if it is just pee i swap it out while she is standing. She poops once or twice a day and for those I can coax her to lie down with the TV on and a semi-dangerous item like a remote control or something I don't normally give her. BUTI do it on her time and do not force her to do anything against her will. IF i force her (I have, in the past) she regresses for a few days and although i was able to change one diaper by force she will not trust me with future changes. Now if i lay her down and she pops up I let her do a few laps before trying it again. i have each wipe ready to go and i work fast to clean. IF she gets poop on something I just go back and scrub it after the change. I found that after I stopped forcing her to lay down she got over the injustice and would lay still for a change once or twice a day. Normally she pops up naked and clean and then I just follow her around until i can get a pull up on her.

If she has a poop and absolutely refuses to let me clean her we take it into the bathroom and I wash her off in the tub. I can get her to lift her leg after a bit of coaxing and I can get access to clean her. She loves water and we have a fountain thing attached to the faucet so she is easily lured in by that and I can clean up anything that I missed.

But my basic message is that if you stop using force eventually you won't need it. Try pull ups and start to introduce potty learning.

[MsFortune]

That's hard, but it's a stage and it will get better.  I used to get so scared of DH hitting his head when he threw himself down.  I'd try to catch him.  Eventually he hit his head a few times, realized it hurt, and stopped doing it.  Now when he wants to have a tantrum he will back up to the sofa or the rug before he does it.  

You have to do what you have to do so no, some kind of physical altercation is not avoidable.  Just try to stay calm, do what you have to do.  At that age you can't really reason with her, so you can only do what is pissing her off as gently, calmly and quickly as possible.  

But yeah, this sucks.  I felt like my sweet little angel turned on me - I felt so betrayed when he first rebelled.  

[lovepickles]

Physical altercations for diaper changes are COMPLETELY avoidable. It just takes creativity and patience.
 

Originally Posted by MsFortune 

You have to do what you have to do so no, some kind of physical altercation is not avoidable.  Just try to stay calm, do what you have to do.  At that age you can't really reason with her, so you can only do what is pissing her off as gently, calmly and quickly as possible. 

[mamazee]

I don't think there's any reason to get involved in a child's tantrum. My younger one oddly (to me anyway) doesn't have tantrums, but the older one sure did. I just let her go at it. They throw themselves to the floor, sure, but my daughter never smashed her head against the ground. I had to move her a couple of times slightly to get her away from something she could hurt, but overall I just let her tantrum without any physical involvement. I would breifly empathize, but that's it. I think it's something we watch and endure and then give love afterward, but it's their tantrum. I'd just not get involved in those.

Diaper chagnes are tricky but you might find a way to do it that doesn't cause as much trouble. Some kids like to run or jump to their parent before the diaper is changed. Some prefer being changed standing up (when possible - poopy diapers not so much). If you're currently changing on a changing table, that might feel unstable and changing on the floor might work better. Some can be distracted by something to hold onto or watch during diaper changes, and sometimes a different room helps. At some point with my older dd (who was my high needs kid) I started changing her on the toilet, like pulling down a pull up, having her sit on the toilet, and wiping her/changing her sitting there. And it led to potty training, which was awesome!

Not easy stuff to deal with for sure! Good luck!

[newmamalizzy]

Originally Posted by lovepickles 
 IF i force her (I have, in the past) she regresses for a few days and although i was able to change one diaper by force she will not trust me with future changes. Now if i lay her down and she pops up I let her do a few laps before trying it again. i have each wipe ready to go and i work fast to clean. IF she gets poop on something I just go back and scrub it after the change. I found that after I stopped forcing her to lay down she got over the injustice and would lay still for a change once or twice a day.

This is how DD's always been with sleep issues.  I'm not so keen on the idea of getting poop on stuff, but pull-ups are a good idea.  We've been considering starting potty learning, but I can only steel myself for one big issue with this girl at a time.  We're finally getting somewhere on our Eating Solid Food campaign, so I've pulled out the potty and it's ready and waiting.  I was just thinking today that I could potentially snap up her diapers ahead and pull them up like pants.  I'm SO bad at the standing diaper change...