Temper tantrums

[UniquityBelg]

I am not really looking for advice because I don't think that there is a straight answer to this problem; I just want to know there are others out there who have the same problem and it's not just my child.

I always used to think that ACTUAL temper tantrums were just a bunch of baloney. Up until about 18 months of age I never had a problem with them; I just calmed her down and listened carefully to her. Usually she was tired or she genuinely wanted something. People would tell me to just wait until the REAL temper tantrums started, and I just assumed that they weren't nearly as 'in tune' with their child as I must be with mine. I didn't think this would ever happen to me.

But the last month or so (18-19 months), it's been Hell. It really IS like she doesn't want anything; She is just in a bad mood for absolutely no reason. I try everything. I listen to her, I give her anything she'd normally ask for. Nothing works.

She sleeps well -- well, only if I give her homeopathic sleep stuff. She USED to sleep well; Now if she doesn't get that, she doesn't sleep; She just screams for hours. If I run out of it, she has to sleep with me. Those are the only days she doesn't seem to have bad temper tantrums; The day after sleeping with me.

She sleeps from about 8:30 until 7am. She naps 3.5 hours during the late morning into afternoon. Naps have only JUST started to become an issue. I used to nurse her and she'd just fall asleep; I'd go lay her in bed. Now she can tell when she is falling asleep, and she'll jump off my lap before she does. I've had to start putting her to nap with a sippy cup of goats milk for her to sleep, or she will stay up until early evening, crash, and then be up all night until early morning. So we manage with what works.

So sleepwise I think she gets enough... Food wise, she eats very healthy. Pickiness has started to JUST become an issue but in general she gets los of fruits and veggies, lean meats, whoel grains, and healthy wheat free snacks. Everything is organic and wheat free. She takes vitamins (in fact she freaks out if I DON'T give her one). So nutritonally I think she is good.

I had the dr check her. No signs of any health problems. Seems to be really smart and in good shape.

So why??? She will be happy, and then suddenly have a meltdown, fall over screaming, and kicking the wall, bashing her head into the wall... Our walls have SO many dents and marks in them now.. There is no trigger.. It's just whenever... I can delay it by feeding her somethign she really likes, but how healthy is that? Not at all. When she's an adult and gets angry, she'll just go stuff her face. In public though, I have to give her something, but when I run out, I'm in trouble. I will ask her what she wants, and won't get a response, Half the time it's because she can't hear me over her screams. I am finding myself becoming more and more angry in life, because the temper tantrums cause so much stress. Now every little thing will send me into a rage or make me cry. I am afraid that in this mentality I might lash out at her. So I've learned to just walk away. Sometimes I'll walk away and cry while she cries and I don't know how to help her. Before I would just be understanding, show empathy.. That doesn't work anymore.. She throws herself on the floor, won't allow me to touch her or help her, she just kicks me away.. But when I leave her, it enrages her even more. She will go anywhere from 2 to 4 hours before she stops screaming. By then she has bruises all over her legs from kicking them into things, bruises on her head from smashing her head into the wall.. Out in public is the worst. I look like such a horrible mom. She looks so unhappy. It's so embarassing and just makes me want to hide. She is geting new teeth, but Orijel always worked before. It doesn't anymoe. She'll stop crying while I put it on because she likes the taste, then she'll go back to screaming.

Yet if she sleeps with me at night, she's fine. I don't get that. She is always happy to wake up in the morning, bright eyed and bushy tailed, no matter where she slept -- but God forbid she slept in her own bed because a couple of hours after waking up she melts down.

Emotionally I'm a wreck. I'm tired. My sex life has gone completely downhill and now my husband and I argue all the time. I am 4 months pregnant and worried about what this stress is doing to the new baby. I can't afford a child psychologist. When will this end??? Please tell me this just stops one day??? My husband and I were doing so well -- since these temper tantrums have started, it's like things are falling apart. We're both always on edge. People keep telling me that they will only get worse. That until they are well into their 4th year, I have this to look forward to. I'll go crazy before then. How am I supposed to work, take care of two children, handle all of my hobbies and run a household, and listen to a child scream at me for most of the day? She used to be so happy, and still should be.. It kills me to even admit that this is happening because I try so hard to give a loving nurturing environment, and to keep her busy and give her everything she needs...

Is anyone else losing it because of temper tantrums? Or am I the only one..

[marinak1977]

I don't have advice but I couldn't post and not offer a This sounds so tough.
Could you possibly have her sleep with you? Maybe (and I'm not there yet, so not an expert at all) she's experiencing anxiety about the change in the family and needs to connect with you more, or needs more security at night? If that helps with the tantrums (which sound so hard) I'd be tempted to let her sleep with me and gradually phase it out later.

[hakeber]

This is the start of a very long and bumpy ride, but it does get better...then it get worse again...then it gets better again...

Try to remember that she may have a lot on her mind and really want to talk to you, and not having the ability to communicate with you is a really hard.  Babies don't just have physical wants, they have feelings and needs for community and sharing and not being able to do that can make one feel very lonely and frustrated.

I think it hard to think of a baby wanting to tell you about their dreams or their questions or their doubts, but I genuinely believe that this is often the root of inexplicable tantrums.  This will get better as she gets more and more words...but then there will be other kinds of tantrums.

I think holding her, telling her you love her and letting her RELEASE the feelings will help a lot.  You don't always have to try to stop the crying, especially if you know her needs are met.  Crying can be cathartic at this age and we just need to help them have a safe and loving place to feel it.  Sometimes they just need to have a good cry. 

Also 4 months pregnant is a hard time, you are EXHAUSTED but next month I bet your energy levels will pick up so you'll have more energy to play with you LO and engage with her and have fun again, at least until the last month or so of your pregnancy.

You might also look into allergies.  She might be uncomfortable in ways she can't explain and that is enough to make anyone feel grumpy.

[UniquityBelg]

Unfortunatly she can't sleep with me every night. Right now it's only whenever her homeopathic stuff runs out (every couple of weeks). Our bed isn't big enough so my husband ends up sleeping on the couch and then he can't sleep because he's afraid he'll miss his alarm. I don't sleep at all either because I need to toss and turn, and if I do she'll wake up.. So it's not only long sleepless nights for me and my husband, it causes us to be very irritable with eachother the next day; I feel like he blames me for all these problems and we're at the end of our rope now. So it's just not a possiblity for every night, my husband gets up early and works long hours. When she sleeps with me, it takes too much out of us.

There really haven't been any changes in our family. I don't look or feel pregnant and nobody even knows yet. The temper tantrums have been the only real change in the last month; They just seem to have come out of nowhere. Today has been one of the few good days; I can't remember the last time she had a day without one (well so far anyways).

I used to be able to pick her up and hug her and show empathy; Now she just kicks me and hits and me pushes me away, I can't touch her or console her. If I pick her up she'll try to smash her head into me or make herself limp so I can't carry her. It's one of those battles where she really is just looking for a fight, because when you walk away she gets even more upset. It's like she wants to hit me and kick me (much like how couples are grumpy and just look for an argument).

I know it's not allergies because we've already done several elimination diets with her. Wheat is her only culprit. Sometimes I wonder if she's not feeling well so I give her pepto, natural gripe water, homeopathic teething remedy, Orijel, anything that might help.. She calms down and is happy when I give it to her, she likes the taste of all that.. Then as soon as it's been given, she throws herself down and starts all over again. Her poor legs are just covered in bruises.

I just went out and bought a bunch of different homeopathic calming remedies for irritability. I hope one of these helps.

It was never this bad when we had a vehicle.. But we don't anymore. I keep wondering if she's bored, but I take her for a walk everyday and to the playground most days. She goes to playgroup twice a week and we do lots on weekends.. It hasn't seemed to have make a difference. Oftentimes she'll break down in the same places she used to have so much fun. I just hope it gets a bit better before the new baby comes into the picture. She's already very much a Momma's girl and we predict jealousy issues. I am supposed to go back to work in Jan and I don't know if I'll be able to if this continues PLUS issues with her accepting the new baby. Of course when we got pregnant, she was such an easy child.. If she had been like this then, we would have waited.  When my family comes over and she out of nowhere throws herself on the floor and kicks and screams, they all get really quiet and hum and haw about it, like I'm not doing something right because something is obviously wrong with her, she goes absolutely apesh*t and wild-eyed crazy. One time is understandable but they see it every time they see her now. I'm getting so embarassed that I'm just locking us away from people so we can pretend it was the way it was before; She was always so happy and SO easy. :(

[hakeber]

Originally Posted by UniquityBelg 

Unfortunatly she can't sleep with me every night. Right now it's only whenever her homeopathic stuff runs out (every couple of weeks). Our bed isn't big enough so my husband ends up sleeping on the couch and then he can't sleep because he's afraid he'll miss his alarm. I don't sleep at all either because I need to toss and turn, and if I do she'll wake up.. So it's not only long sleepless nights for me and my husband, it causes us to be very irritable with eachother the next day; I feel like he blames me for all these problems and we're at the end of our rope now. So it's just not a possiblity for every night, my husband gets up early and works long hours. When she sleeps with me, it takes too much out of us.There really haven't been any changes in our family. I don't look or feel pregnant and nobody even knows yet. The temper tantrums have been the only real change in the last month; They just seem to have come out of nowhere.

Well exceot that you probably have been pretty low energy for the last month or two, no?  I mean I remember with both babies being a virtual walking coma for the first trimester.  Your DD may not KNOW about the baby, but she may notice a difference in you, which may be leading to the behavior...that and she is now 19 months?  18 months is a mile stone for little ones.  IIRCC, it feels like overnight they go from innocent need machines to emotionally complicated little people with the communication skills of a chimpanzee. 

Today has been one of the few good days; I can't remember the last time she had a day without one (well so far anyways).

These little reprieves will get you through the next few years.

I used to be able to pick her up and hug her and show empathy; Now she just kicks me and hits and me pushes me away, I can't touch her or console her. If I pick her up she'll try to smash her head into me or make herself limp so I can't carry her. It's one of those battles where she really is just looking for a fight, because when you walk away she gets even more upset. It's like she wants to hit me and kick me (much like how couples are grumpy and just look for an argument).

I had to learn to master the total body bear hold.  When DD gets flaily, I wrap my arms around her arms, stabilize her head with my chin  her mouth out, so that she can't bite me and wrap my legs around her feet and together in a safe ball I rock her back and forth whispering in her ear "mama loves you, it's going to be okay.  I know you're upset.  It's going to be okay." Sometimes it takes 1 minute to soothe her, sometimes it takes 10 or 15.  Sometimes she just physically releases but is still in tears for a while in my arms, exhausted.  She may be looking for a fight because she is looking for connection from a very tired mommy, or she may be needing that total release of emotion. 

I know it's not allergies because we've already done several elimination diets with her. Wheat is her only culprit. Sometimes I wonder if she's not feeling well so I give her pepto, natural gripe water, homeopathic teething remedy, Orijel, anything that might help.. She calms down and is happy when I give it to her, she likes the taste of all that.. Then as soon as it's been given, she throws herself down and starts all over again. Her poor legs are just covered in bruises.

It could be environmental allergies, though.  My sister was a HUGE tantrumer and they didn't diagnose her until she was almost 8.  She was miserable and trying to explain it but they just wrote it off as being defiant, looking for a fight, et.  These allergies kicked off asthma attacks and dry itchy skin and they just assumed she was of a dry complexion and would get out of breath when she was angry.  Well I guess she was angry, but mostly because she was so uncomfortable. Turned out she was allergic to 10 kinds of local grass, dog hair and dander (we had a very shedding flaky dog when we were really little), dust, mildew, several kinds of mould, and strawberries which my mother practically lived on in the summer and had jars and jars of fresh jam from strawberries all year.  So I just think having an real allergy test, albeit painful and hard to watch could really be worth looking into.

I just went out and bought a bunch of different homeopathic calming remedies for irritability. I hope one of these helps. 

Me too!  DD responds well to sleepy time tea and lavender oil on her pressure points.

It was never this bad when we had a vehicle.. But we don't anymore. I keep wondering if she's bored, but I take her for a walk everyday and to the playground most days. She goes to playgroup twice a week and we do lots on weekends.. It hasn't seemed to have make a difference. Oftentimes she'll break down in the same places she used to have so much fun. I just hope it gets a bit better before the new baby comes into the picture. She's already very much a Momma's girl and we predict jealousy issues. I am supposed to go back to work in Jan and I don't know if I'll be able to if this continues PLUS issues with her accepting the new baby. Of course when we got pregnant, she was such an easy child.. If she had been like this then, we would have waited.  When my family comes over and she out of nowhere throws herself on the floor and kicks and screams, they all get really quiet and hum and haw about it, like I'm not doing something right because something is obviously wrong with her, she goes absolutely apesh*t and wild-eyed crazy. One time is understandable but they see it every time they see her now. I'm getting so embarassed that I'm just locking us away from people so we can pretend it was the way it was before; She was always so happy and SO easy. :(

Do you think your family might be willing to take her overnight or for a whole day on a weekend so you and DH could sleep...and maybe also reconnect?  Maybe now until the end of the pregnancy?  and maybe it could even be a thing after the baby comes...like a date night for you guys?  Every other week?  You need sleep so badly right now!  You are going to collapse if you don't get enough rest and connection with your partner.  DS was nearly 5 when Emily was born, so it wasn't so intense but we still had a standing appointment with our favorite baby sitter to watch him for six hours once a week so we could just sleep soundly, make out like teenagers, or eat a meal and watch a whole movie without pausing it two hundred times.  It does wonders for the relationship.

Not only that but it is a good idea for your DD to build a relationship with another adult figure at this point in her life to relieve the pressure for when baby comes along.  If you have the choice it might be worth asking.

Another thing to note is that many siblings who are born close together are very close and protective of one another, but yes, for the parents?  The sacrifice is an overlap in toddler years.  I wouldn't wish two toddlers in tandum on my worst enemy.  But you will get through it!  Just keep repeating...this too shall pass.

[marinak1977]

OP, this is totally off topic, but I wanted to say that your Belgians are beautiful (if they are yours)
We're thinking of eventually adding a belgian to our family (we have a herd of border collies)

OK back to the regularly scheduled programming now.