Really need some hope/reassurance re constantly fussy 1-month-old

[Blanca78]

I can't "sleep when the baby sleeps" because the baby will not sleep apart from me during the day. Or almost never does.

This is sort of a general cry for help. I'm going pretty crazy here. DD is four weeks old tomorrow. She has been super fussy almost every day. She will not sleep except on my lap after eating, or in the carrier (I switched to a baby bjorn someone gave me because the moby and sling were really killing my back), or sometimes falls asleep in the car or stroller. But there is no such thing as putting her down in a bouncy chair or crib even, and I feel like I can't get a moment to myself, to sleep or do anything else. Today I had to shower through her screaming as DH held her. THe only way I could nap yesterday was by lying down with her on my chest in the baby bjorn.

She gets in cycles of fussiness where she gets so upset she doesn't know what she wants. She roots frantically for the boob (even if she just ate) but then it's like she can't remember how to suck, and she screams hysterically. Then we have to try a barrage of things to find her off switch. She'll calm down momentarily but then something will set her off again until we find the right "switch" for the moment--and then she's totally out.

Nights are all right--not great, but okay generally. She wakes up, I feed her--it usually takes around an hour to settle her again, though sometimes longer--then she lets me sleep for anywhere from 1.5 to 3 hours before waking up again. I nurse her, wait till she falls asleep on my lap, then swaddle her and transfer her to bed. Usually I can get two decent blocks (read: around two hours) of sleep and a third one that's less. I am EXHAUSTED. All the books say put them to bed when they are sleepy but awake--DD will not stand for this.

When, when, when does the fussiness ease up? When will longer stretches of sleep at night happen? If I could just get a litlte more rest at night I don't think I'd need to nap during the day. Will she ever be capable of falling asleep while not being held? She won't even fall asleep next to me in bed! (She sleeps in a "Snuggle Nest" between our pillows).

Looking for any BTDT stories or rays of hope/reassurance. Xposted in my DDC.

[mamaLHK]

i have a 2 month old that was just like you are describing at one month.  he's a lot better now, but i'm still promised more needed improvement by my friends in another month.  i think some kiddos are more neurologically confused than others in the beginning and they improve with the coming months, and then we get better at figuring out what they nned.  for example the rooting non feeding thing - i finally realized that either means tired and needing to get to sleep another way or just tired of nursing and ready for some awake time.  hang in there and keep trying different things - it will improve!

[Twinklefae]

Oh that sounds hard. 

She sounds like mine - I eventually figured out that she was getting over tired.  After she's been awake for an hour and 15 minutes, I change her, swaddle her and nurse her til she's asleep - at first I had to drop everything to do it.  Once asleep, I put her in the swing.  Now she will actually nap and doesn't get to that crazy place where nothing will soothe her and she's crazy.

[LittleBirdy]

Yes, it sounds like she may be getting overtired during the day.  Really aim to have her having a little sleep every 1.5 hours or so.  (Nobody told me this until DS was much older than your DD). 

I promise you, it will get better.  She will get used to sleeping apart from you.  She will sleep longer stretches at night.  You will have a moment to breathe again.  I can't tell you exactly when, but I promise, I promise.

Can you nurse side-lying?  That saved/saves me.  DS does his thing and I can close my eyes and rest.  It takes a little practice but once you and baby get used to it it's a godsend.  And the drowsy but awake thing?  Throw it out the window, at least for now.  Nurse your DD to sleep if that's what works.  In another month or so you can work on drowsy but awake if you want to.  (Or you can take the path of least resistance - I just nursed my 10 month old down for bed because it works!)

As for naps, mine loved his swing.  He would only nap there or in arms for the first 5 months of his life.  So try the swing, turned on as high as it will go.

I wish I had time to write more, because I so remember how I felt when my DS was that age.  I found reading the archives at www.AskMoxie.org really helped.  Here's a recent one you might find enjoyable: http://www.askmoxie.org/2011/03/the-most-helpful-thing-at-four-weeks.html

[crayfishgirl]

My DD was like that.  It does get better.  I swaddled her really tightly and either nursed her to sleep or rocked in the rocking chair, with a recording of the vacuum playing really loudly (iTunes has one you can download...for $9, but totally worth it).  The vacuum was key and it played all night(at a lower volume once she was asleep).  DD would also become nuts when she was overtired, and once I figured out that she needed ore sleep (her tired signs were soooo subtle) she rarely got that way.  At 4 weeks I tried to make sure she was never awake for more than 90 minutes.  They say watch your baby not the clock, but with sleep I was a clock-watcher.  One thing that I find works with my son when he gets super tired is to put a blanket over his head (not in a suffocating way!!) to basically block everything out while bouncing and listening to some sort of white noise (vacuum or www.simplynoise.com)....he's like a parrot and just calms right down.  

Good luck, and try to remember that this is a really short blip in their life!

[~Adorkable~]

hi blanca, a huge congrats on my baby!!!!!!!!!!!

have you considered giving a pacifier, i know so many folks around here are scared of them, often for no real reason.  if breastfeeding is going good i would think about it. that was about the time my babies "woke up" and acted like this. then they started sucking on my fingers and that got really old, so i finally did what i thought i would never do and went out at 9pm and got a paci, they love them.  i still feel funny about them sometimes, but i realize it is because i had strong assumptions about them and i "i would never" attitude. 

well i have worked hard to stop saying never and instead going with what makes them happiest

again congrats lady, you deserve this little bundle o so much!

[MsFortune]

I second the pacifier suggestion.  I felt like my son just got worked up and did not know how to calm down.  The pacifier really helped.  We did not have any nipple-confusion issues or anything like that.  

[katelove]

I second the side-lying feeding suggestion, if you're able too. For us it meant the difference between taking an hour to resettle after each feed overnight and never really waking up fully. I couldn't sleep through the feeds but at least I was lying down with my eyes closed.

And I also agree with chucking the "lay them down settled but awake". I don't dispute that it works for some babies but I am still feeding my 1yo to complete sleep - whatever works.

[somegirl99]

Congrats Blanca!  Will have to go look for your birth story/baby pics now. :)

Lots of hugs to you, that time is rough.  Have you read the Happiest Baby on the Block?  Sometimes to calm DS we would have to swaddle, run the vacuum, and bounce him on the ball or rock him.  Or take him outside which still works now.

The paci suggestion is a good one as long as breastfeeding is well-established.

It should start getting better after 6 weeks.  Hang in there!

[isras1]

Hugs to you, this to shall pass. I agree with the side-lying nurse position ( I found guidance on how to do it ay kellymom.com), pacifier and trying nurse to sleep. What I would like to add, Hylands Colic homeopathic tablets, they worked like magic. I still use them for DS (10 mo) to help with teething symptoms. Keep up the good work momma!

[Blanca78]

Thank you all so much for the many helpful suggestions! When she's worked up she won't take a pacifier--it seems to make her madder. But DH got her to take one for like half an hour last night (after we'd swaddled her) and it seemed to keep her calm! Eventually she started fussing again but I took that as a sign it was time to nurse. Less than an hour later she was asleep "for the night" (ie, for the next couple hours :))

I am counting the days until 6 weeks, praying she will start to sleep for longer stretches at night around then. I think that will save me. We'll keep practicing the side lying nursing, too. I'm guessing it'll get easier when she's a little bigger.

Last night was actually GREAT, relatively speaking, in terms of fussiness. She didn't fuss at all during any night feedings, which is a record for her. The downside is she didn't sleep long for in between, so I am still totally exhausted. I don't think I'm meant for cosleeping. I hear every single noise she makes--every grunt and snuffle, which is a lot--and it keeps me awake. My nerves just feel so shot. Sometimes I put her in her crib on the other side of the room but even then and with earplugs the noises startle me awake.

[hhmomma72]

Thinking back a few months, my LO was never that fussy, but when we was is certainly meant she was tired.  For a while the only thing that worked was to get her in the Moby with her head covered (safely) and a pacifier.  She was happy with the paci for a few months and now at almost 5 months she hardly takes it anymore.  She loves to suck on her fingers with her palm up.  I've never gotten her to sleep without sidelying nursing.  Dad does during the day somehow, but when I'm around it's always nursing to sleep.  Last night she almost got to sleep with me just lying next to her, but not quite.  She's also experiencing some sleep regression right now waking every two or three hours to nurse, but she goes right back to sleep, unlike me.  At least it's only a phase!

[QuestionGal]

oh goodness, I remember what that was like. TORTURE!!

1- she sounds overtired, it'll take a couple DAYS of good sleep to get her caught up. (She could also be overstimulated but I'm leaning towards tired)

2- Have you heard of the 5 S's (Happiest Baby on the Block. Dr. Harvey karp) this technique to calm a crying baby saved my sanity. Sometimes my kids need to be swaddled (even though they are wide awake) just as a "reset" button.

3- pacifiers can be a very useful tool. 

4- do whatever you have to do to get some sleep. With DS that meant that he had to sleep in his own space b/c we kept waking each other up and no one was getting restful sleep. With DD that means watching for her first signs of tiredness and dropping everything to get her fed/to sleep as soon as I see them (for her it's redness around her eyebrows) and keeping more of a routine (90 minutes awake, 90 minutes asleep, lather rinse repeat). At four weeks it was more like 45 minutes awake and 2 hours asleep. 

5- have you thought about trying things like "Gripe Water" or "colic calm" or other homeopathic remedies for fussy babies? We find those incredibly helpful for getting our kids some good rest and therefore changing their whole demeanor upon waking. good sleep = happy baby who will sleep better next time around.

Also, just be fore-warned that many babies go through a fussy/gassy stage at about 6 weeks as their gut goes through a "growth spurt" of it's own. 

[Ola_]

That sounds familiar, except DD is not quite as fussy.  During the day she naps best with me, in arms, or in the sling.  I don't always nap when she naps but when I need to it usually looks like this: I feed her, burp and either walk with her or rock her to sleep on my shoulder.  Then we move to the couch or bed and she either sleeps on my chest (most often) or beside me (just started being able to do this recently, she's 10 wks).  If I put her down while she's sleeping odds are she'll wake up in 5-10 min, even in her swing, so I only do that if I really need to get something done without her there and I do it fast, lol.  Putting her down drowsy but awake?  Yeah right!

[~Adorkable~]

oh yeah swaddle swaddle swaddle, i never realized how much i counted on that in the early weeks, but looking back on it it was the lifesaver, they still swaddle to sleep at night at 5 months and also i put them in one if they just melt down at any point, the respond so great. for me the trick is to make it tight, if they think they can wriggle out they will try to and drive themselves mad, if they feel like there is no way they calm right away!

i do put my babies down just prior to sleep a lot, but i dont leave them, and often keep my hands n them till after they fall totally asleep, i just put them in sleep position and place so i dont have to move them later. for me naps are in a little travel swing with vibration, its like baby crack. i just got a thing from amazon that vibrates their cosleeper and is easier to travel with so i can bring the baby sleep crack anywhere.

[MSWmama]

I totally feel your pain, OP.  I used to literally cry when people would suggest that I "sleep when the baby sleeps" because couldn't, for the same reasons you mentioned. My DS was so fussy that I thought I was going to lose my mind, literally. I know some of this is repeated, but here are my thoughts ... 

- Side-lying nursing! Learn it, love it. We didn't really get the hang of it until 6-8 weeks, but taking the time to learn how to do it was well worth it in the long run. 

- It does sound like your DD might be overtired. My DS actually needs more sleep than the average baby, and has a harder time getting to sleep and staying asleep. Even now at 6.5 months, he's rarely awake more than 2-3 hours at a time. At that age, he needed to go down an hour after waking up. Which meant it was often nurse / diaper change / 10 minutes of playtime / nurse back down. 

- It's ok for him to cry while DH holds him so that you can shower, take a nap, eat a meal, etc. Really. I promise. As long as you know he's not hungry, he's with someone who loves him and it will be OK. 

- My DS needed to eat a lot more often than the "average" baby, too. At one point around 4-6 weeks he was nursing every hour. So you might want to look at how often DD is nursing and try to offer before she has a chance to get upset. 

- When DS would just cry and cry, I would have a mantra that I would say to myself. Something along the lines of "I'm a great mom. He's doing the best he can. We'll get through this and be ok." It sounds corny, but it really helped! 

- Swaddle! Swaddle! Swaddle! Watch or read "the happiest baby on the block".

Contact the Fussy Baby Network. It's a free parent warmline staffed by child development experts- they helped me troubleshoot several of DS's issues and I found it to be really helpful. The woman I spoke with was very supportive of AP practices. Their website is here: 

http://www.erikson.edu/fbn.aspx

I don't want to discourage you, but DS didn't get significantly better until about 5 months. That is an unusually long time, and chances are your DD will improve loooooong before that, but I did just want to throw that out there. I remember getting really upset at weeks 6, 8, and 12, because those were the ages that everyone told me their fussy kids got better. And when my son didn't, it was really hard and I felt like a failure. But then suddenly around five months one day I realized that he hadn't had a screaming jag all day, and then the next day he didn't either, and then I realized that he was smiling and giggling and just seemed really happy most of the time. Today, my DH brought him to visit me at work and the ladies at work all cooed at him and insisted that he's never been colicky a day in his life.  You will have a moment like that too and it will feel so good! 

[homemademom]

I agree with everyone else. The over-tired suggestion is huge, imo. I didn't realize that was what was going on with my first baby. Any crying and I was terrified he was starving so I'd put my boob in his face, and he'd freak out and get more upset. Anyway, yes, try to get your babe to sleep really frequently. They'll sort it out after a few days of good sleep.

Also, I didn't see it recommended, but you might consider chiropractic or cranial sacral therapy. Being born, either vaginally or through the birth canal can be jarring and she may need a little help to get her body right.  I love our CST.

[Adaline'sMama]

I def. second the recommendation for Happiest Babies on the Block. I still usually feed my 14 mo old to sleep, so I wouldnt be focusing so much on that.

Do you have a moby wrap. I know that you said that you couldnt sleep when the babe was sleeping because she never sleeps without you. I did some of my best daytime sleeping right after working around the house with DD in the moby. She's fall asleep and then I'd curl up in our big chair with her still strapped to me and conk out for a couple of hours. She'd sleep soundly as long as she was attached to me.

[Blanca78]

You all are helping me so much. I'd like to report that the fussiness seems to be a little more manageable over the last couple days. It comes and goes, but I think I'm getting better at reading her signals, and the overtired thing is definitely huge. The last couple days I've been working on making sure that when she sends out nap signals, I give her the opportunity to nap. And, major VICTORY: Yesterday and today she fell asleep in the swing by herself! Yesterday she woke up screaming after 20 minutes, but I think it's because she was hungry. AFter I fed her, I put her in the Baby Bjorn and she fell asleep right away. Today, it's been a half hour and she is still sleeping in the swing. Even if she doesn't stay asleep for long, I think it's huge that I at least know she is capable of falling asleep on her own, and we can keep practicing.

Adaline'smama--I do have a Moby. I actually don't find it very comfortable, but I have managed to catch a couple of delicious naps with her in the Baby Bjorn, which I find easier to use and more comfy with my back. So it helps so much to know that I have that as a napping option, as if I catch her at the right time (ie when she's not hungry so the proximity to my boobs doesn't drive her crazy) she falls asleep almost immediately, and will stay asleep for at least an hour or two and I can snooze as well.

[LittleBirdy]

Yay Blanca!  I'm so glad to hear it :)

Is she smiling yet?  I feel like that was a big turning point for us.  It didn't make him less fussy & needy (hey, they're babies afterall right?) but at least it felt like his way of saying, "Thanks Mom!"