Needing some help with nieces-kinda long and ranty

[dfunk98]

I watch my 3 nieces (ages 10, 5 & 5-twins) 3 days a week.  Every time they come over, the 10 yo just wants to use the computer and the 5 yos destroy my house.  The house they come from has no structure, but I have tried to explain to them-many times-that when they are at my house, they need to clean up after themselves before they take out another toy.  It never works.  My children (6 & 3) know the rules of our house, but when my nieces are over, all bets are off.  They also take things out without putting others away, jump on the furniture, run around the house screaming, etc.  I am not a tyrant and I don't mind them playing and having a good time, but there are some things that just don't fly in our house (p.s. my parents live downstairs and when the kids run around up here it sounds like a herd of elephants down there).  It is driving me crazy.  My brother and sil are no help, bc as I said, they are completely unstructured at home.  That's actually a total understatement.  Ever see the show "Hoarders", yup that's what I'm dealing with.  I am really at the end of my rope.  They are generally very sweet girls.  I love having them over and I love that my children are so close to their cousins and enjoy being with them, but I am so tired of cleaning up after them all the time-esp. being 5 months pg.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can get through to them?  I have been watching them for over a year and things have not improved.  I figured it would take some time for the girls to get used to our household "rules", but this is ridiculous.  Also, I don't like that the 10 yo just wants to shut herself out on the computer all afternoon.  I get that maybe she needs a little quiet downtime, but how do I encourage her to interact with the others without it feeling like a punishment? 

The last time they were over, on Friday, my house was completely trashed after them being here for only 2 hours and it took my children and I a good 45 minutes to get everything back to where it should be.  I told my kids from now on, when the cousins are over, they have to sit at the kitchen table and color-that's it.  No playing in anyone's room or taking any toys out, but I don't want it to be like that.  I want my nieces to have fun while they're here.  I want them to like coming over.  Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

TIA!!

[ElaynesMom]

Do you have a yard that they could play outside in? When I was a kid I practically wasn't allowed in the house if it was a nice day. My mom would make sure we had sunscreen/hats on, a water bottle and would tell us to go outside :) We usually ate lunch in the yard too and generally had a good time.

Also could you maybe allow your 5 year old nieces to choose something to play with and bring it into the living room to play (or another room that isn't full of other toys), that way when you see they are done with it, it may be easier to tell them to put that one thing away before they pull something else out. With my dd, if she is alone in her room for any length of time she pulls practically all her toys out, but when she brings one to the living room, it's easier to have her put it away when she wants something else.

Maybe also buy some board games if you don't have any. There are lots of games that your 2 children and your nieces should be able to play together that will take up some time.

Hopefully someone else will have some more unique suggestions for you, it must be frusturating to have such a mess to clean up when you're already tired from being pg.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Plan some activities?
First we will bake. Then while it's in the oven do a craft project. Then eat baked goods. Then read some books. Finally some outside time and then they go home.

I don't know your tv rules. But maybe a kids yoga DVD or dance video.

Put away/up anything with lots of pieces so they can get strewn everywhere.

Since you watch them so much maybe you could come up with 10-12 easily set up structured activities (board games, playdough, yoga DVD, book time, crafts etc) write them on strips of paper and let them choose activities randomly out of a hat. Everyone gets on chance per
day.

[MsFortune]

For the 10 YO, I can see that her isolation bothers you, but maybe with all that constant chaos, she wants a break from the kids.  Her siblings are probably like that all the time and maybe she just needs some kid free time.

Rather than try to encourage the 10 YO to play with the littler kids, maybe see if she wants to hang out with you.  At 10, she is probably too old to be playing the way that the kids play and needs a break from them.

As for the rambuntious behavior - no clue.  Limits, rules, consequences, etc are hard to enforce when they are not enforced at home, but you have a right to have order in your house.

[34me]

I agree with tbone-kneegrabber.  I would have a plan.  Depending on how long the kids were going to be at your home, I may let the 10 yo have some computer time but I would probably plan it in too.  You could go on a walk and collect leaves and then come home make a snack, do rubbings at the table, clean up together, have 30 min of free time, clean up together.....

The library has some great ideas for kids activities that don't cost a lot/anything but are something "new".

[4evermom]

I think I'd attempt to have bedrooms off limits and set out a reasonable amount of toys in the living room.  It will be tricky to change to that if they've had the run of the house unless the bedroom doors lock.

The 10 yo is a bit old to be playing with 3-6 yos.  My 9 yo will play with kids that young because he is an extrovert, an only child, and desperate for kid time.  But even he wants a break from his 4 and 6 yo cousins when they come over.  She might love some age appropriate crafts or projects to do on her own as another option to the computer.

[dfunk98]

those are all really great ideas, thanks so much.  I love to bake with my own children, but my nieces have a hard time sharing and taking turns.  maybe that will be something i will save for the 10 yo-she loves that kind of thing. 

i have made bedrooms off limits, aut felt it was hard to enforce my own lo's wanted to go in their roooms.  i think tbone-kneegrabber and 34me are right-i need to have a plan.  i'm thinking we'll start with coloring after the twins do their homework (my 6 yo and the 10 you take longer) and go from there.  hopefully, the weather wills start cooperating here and we can go outside.  we have had ALOT of rain the last few weeks. 

thanks so much everyone-i will keep you updates.  in the meantime, if anyone has any more suggestions, keep them coming :)

[ElliesMomma]

i am not shy about making my daughter's friends clean up towards the end of a play date. since the nieces have no experience with it, you will have to invest some time supervising this to every detail. but definitely do it. if it takes a good 45 minutes for you and your children to clean up after they leave, then set aside the last 45 minutes of their visit and get *everybody* to work. everybody gets a job, even the computer girl. when those jobs are done, you have more jobs. keep going. you can promise a reward when it's all done, such as a small tasty treat, which they all eat together at the kitchen table (isolating the mess). by the time parents come to pick up, your house is already cleaned up.

you simply must make them pick up after themselves. if not for your own sake (and why should you and your children have to clean up after them?), then for their own sake. obviously they are not learning this important life skill at home. you are their "second home," teach them how to keep it clean.

[elisheva]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma 

you simply must make them pick up after themselves. if not for your own sake (and why should you and your children have to clean up after them?), then for their own sake. obviously they are not learning this important life skill at home. you are their "second home," teach them how to keep it clean.

 

I think this is very important. 

[meemee]

yeah third that too.

the thing is this is not new. and things have come to ahead coz you are also 5 months preggos. T I R E D. they have got away with it for a year. now they have to unlearn. gonna be hard. 

i think they are high energy. you cant get them to sit down first. that wont work. instead take them out to teh park or get some physical activity going and THEN ask them to sit down. 

watch out also for their 'high' behaviour where they get so excited that they lose it.

calm them down thruout the day. when u see them STARTING to go crazy sit them down and either read a book or watch tv or anything to calm them down. i still have to do this with my 8 year old when seh is with her friends. 

[Fay]

  Hi!  I grew up with 5 very destructive brothers (2 with bipolar disorder), and I'm the mom of an autistic kiddo & an extremely clever 4 year old.  You have described my area of personal expertise!  LOL

First, lock the doors of all the rooms that you don't want them to go in.  Seriously, if you don't have locks on the doors already, install locks today.  Dead-bolt or combination padlocks, because you don't want them picking the knobs and destroying them.  BTDT

Second, anything that could be messy goes into a locked room.  They are only allowed to play with whatever you leave out for them.  I have explained to my kids that we keep the sealed toyboxes in the basement, and we can bring an old toy downstairs to exchange for a different toy anytime they want.  My kids have impulse-control issues, and the toys get thrown EVERYWHERE if I don't control things this way.

Third, google "sensory integration activities."  Plan to do those types of activities together as group.  Stuff like smashing ice on the driveway, hand-mixing bird seed & peanut butter in a box outdoors, anything else that won't make a mess that you have to clean up.  Organize a relay race until they're exhausted, and give everyone a "prize" at the end as a surprise.  Your nieces need plenty of exercise to work out their anxiety and adrenaline, so plan on structured high-energy activities.

Fourth, the 10 year old gets to use the computer for 10 minutes at a time AFTER she has assisted you with something.  If she is uncooperative or chooses not to participate in family activities, she does not get computer time. That's the rule in our house.  I know it's not GD, so don't flame me about it.  You cannot build a loving relationship with someone who is withdrawn all of the time.

Since they're not getting structure at home, you have to be the structure.  Behavior = communication.  They are telling you that they need a balanced relationship with an adult with realistic limits.  Your nieces are truly blessed to have you in their lives!

[Mamabeakley]

I've been thinking about this thread, kind of subconsciously, for a while.

I think you've gotten a lot of excellent coping suggestions, which I'm glad of.  You certainly deserve to have a peaceful home environment, even when your nieces are there.  It's wonderful that you are willing to take care of them, even while pg and uncomfortable with their behavior.  Yay, OP!

My kids are kind of like your nieces, at least in some ways.  Chaos on six feet, at least.  Now, I don't know your nieces or their parents, so my experiences may be similar to theirs or may not be.  I felt kind of judged by some of the comments on this thread.  And I often feel judged by other parents in real life around these issues.  I choose my friends - so I choose people who understand - but it's harder with family members.

But, just as an example, there are reasons why I've not taught my kids to clean up each set of toys as they finish playing with them.  And those reasons are not laziness, poor parenting skills, or plain slobbishness.  They can mostly be summed up as "choose your battles."  It took literally a YEAR to convince my oldest that he needs to get dressed and eat breakfast first thing when he gets up in the morning.  This started when he was about 3 (and got big enough that just picking him up and making it happen became impractical, especially with a toddler brother wandering around too) and lasted until he was about 4.  This was important because if he didn't do these things, it became impossible to get him outside (which he desperately needed to provide gross motor stimulation) without further argument.  After that we started working on other aspects of routine and scheduling in our days.  He just DOESN'T want to comply with any kind of external (or internal) routine - his brain is not wired that way - but it is something he needs to function - and which the rest of the family needs him to get in order to function.  Compared to this, messy toys are not a high priority.  He is now 7 and we are starting to add a bit of tidying to the daily routine.  He (and his brother, who will follow his lead anywhere, and definitely before he'll follow mine) are actually falling in with this fairly quickly and easily by my standards, but it's not second nature yet and I don't expect it to be for some time.

I'd also point out that that different people have very different needs in terms of levels of orderliness.  I work better if I spread everything I'm working on out - virtually on a computer desktop or physically on the kitchen table or my desk at work.  I have learned that I feel better if I put everything away at the end of the work week or the end of the meal prep or whatever endpoint makes internal sense - but it doesn't work for me to put each thing away as I finish with it - because I inevitably need something again as soon as I put it away.

One final thought - when I pick my kids up from somewhere, I typically make sure that they (or I, depending on the situation) offer to help clean up before they leave.  If your brother/sister isn't doing this, I wonder if there is a compassionate way you'd be able to request their allegiance and help, without criticism?