Please help me be a more present mother!

[kdescalzi]

I am having a really hard time right now. I have a 2yr dd and a 4yd ds and I spend my days running around like crazy. There is always something to do with never a moments rest until bedtime. I am a sahm but I feel that I spend my days not being present or checked in. I vacillate between vallidating my needs and feeling guilty for not being with my kids. Does that make sense? I may be with them but I am not truly here.....i am reading a book to them and thinking about chores. I am doing crafts and getting annoyed at the mess we are making. The worst is that my ds is so good at playing independently that I  sometimes  take advantage of that. I keep putting him off while I make dinner, prep lunches, or do housework, check e-mails etc. I feel I need help reeling myself back in and around my kids. I stay home for a reason but I feel like a really crappy mom right now. Tonight ds kept whining about how tired he was and I literally screamed at him to stop crying! I was too busy to take notice that he wasn't feeling well only to have him wake up with a fever. I should have realized but I was just so busy tidying, cooking, feeding the dogs, visiting with my grandma etc. Please help me be a more checked in mom.

[transylvania_mom]

I know how it feels, I'm at that point too. I work full-time, but I'm alone in the evening, as dh works evening shifts, so I have to deal with dinner, homework, bath time, bedtime by myself.

Just a couple of suggestions: when one of the kids is whining, I find that singing a song at the top of my lungs helps (ABC song or whatever). Ds finds it funny, forgets about whining and joins in.

Also, we need to get out in the evening. Even if I'm exhausted after a day of work, taking the kids out is a lot better than staying inside.

And most importantly, don't feel guilty. Having two young ones is sometimes exhausting.

[bltonne]

    For me, just your question, "Please help me be a more present mother!," shows

you're a great mother. Is that not a question we should all be asking? Perhaps just

starting the day recalling or meditating on just how important your children are to

you, the future, to the planet might help. The world around us seems focused on just

about anything but our children and being present means struggling upstream against

all those distractions while trying to handle all the work of running a household.

    I think children benefit more from our efforts than from actual performance. You

are modeling the importance of parenting as you try to be more present. I too am

trying to be more present and feel it's a goal I'll always be attempting to improve on.

[phathui5]

Please don't feel guilty! Like the previous poster said, the fact that you're thinking about being more present with your children tells us that you're a great mom.

When you notice that your schedule gets really crazy, or that the things that seem urgent (feeding the dogs, answering the phone) are crowding out the things that are important to you (reading a book to the kids, letting them play in the sink water while you slowly do dishes), it's ok to conciously schedule in those things that are important to you and tell the kids when they're going to happen. You may need to set a time of the day to be "Mom time" for now, so that you know the thing that's important to you (focused time with them) is going to happen.

[HollyBearsMom]

I agree with the scheduling.  I think its as important to schedule time for yourself as it is to schedule time with your kids.  I know that I was always more productive when I could devote true present and in moment time with my son. If I agreed to read a book, do Legos, play a board game I made a point of turning off the ringer on the phone, shutting down the lap top, pushing aside the chores. When I did that and committed whatever time it took to play with my son he  was more apt let me do what I needed w/o interruptions. However if was distracted while playing (answering the phone, constantly checking my email, or trying to multi task) then the whole day ended up being as your described.

I know it seems "weird" to schedule time but my son responded really well to it. It was nothing formal but more casual each morning while we ate breakfast together. Kinds like "Ok today we've got to grocery shop, I have to get the laundry done and pay the bills, what's on your agenda"  At your kids age he would respond the park! the playground! read books! or whatever interested in him at the time.  So I would say Ok "mommy needs to clean up the kitchen and start the laundry" Lets set the timer for for half an hour while you do xyz and then we can......" You get the idea.  He knew he was going to get my full attention later so was willing to let me get my chores done.

[mamazee]

Kids do respond very well to scheduled time, and those things can turn into little rituals they look forward to. Like bedtime rituals are a connection time, and dinnertime rituals are a connection time - you can make any little ritual. An after-school ritual of a snack and a book, or whatever.

[rubidoux]

I was just thinking about this this afternoon, how to be more present.  I do do a long bedtime routine that usually includes a bath, my seven-year-old reading to me, and then me reading to him.  And somewhere in there I try to read the little one a couple of board-type books or a quick story.  I am happy I've been able to make that time about them and to focus on them, but it doesn't always feel like enough.  I feel particularly crappy about not being present when I've got some sort of project of my own going (like for the past week I spent a lot of time working on teachers' gifts).  

So, well, that's not terribly helpful, but you are not alone!

[Magali]

  I feel so bad for my 4 year old because between my 6 month old and everything else, he kind of gets the shaft in my attention department.  Spending good quality time with him is something I really need to focus on in order to make it happen, because he is so independant it is hard to find the right moments where he actually wants to do something with me, and I'm not in the middle of something.  My dad basically ignored me for my childhood and I feel so guilty when I'm not as present to my ds as I want to be.  I know I am nowhere close to behaving as my dad did to me, but still the feeling of guilt is there.  Add to that my 6 month old doesn't nap unless I am holding her or we are driving.  A friend told me years ago when I was pg with my ds that the kids won't remember how messy the house was, but they will remember the times spent playing with mommy.  Easier said then done IMO because I feel as though the house never stops needing a sweep or laundry folded or whatever.  But that sounds so lame because how  can sweeping be more important than reading to my sweet boy?

I think today I'll try to schedule some time and see how it goes.