Help me with my 15 year old nephew

[sunnygir1]

I love (and like) my 15 year old nephew.  He is a really cool kid.  He's always been a bit of a difficult child and a button-pusher.  I would say he's a little immature behaviorally for his age.  Lately every time I see him we wind up in some kind of argument and he leaves or I ask him to leave.  I really want us both to enjoy the little time we spend together and I'm looking for some guidance in how to make that happen.

The conflict often revolves around his treatment of my children, 4yo dd and 20mo ds.  My nephew will often say mean things to dd or poke her repeatedly, etc.  It may start because she whined at him or did something that wasn't particularly pleasant.  Then he seems to want to threaten her or correct her or punish her.  Or he will be playing with ds or trying to get ds to cheer up and will pick him up -- ds will pitch a fit because he's in a stage where he really wants to be in charge of his body.  My nephew won't quit and I end up having to intervene, and often get annoyed with him.  Then he mouths off to me, or continues being rude to my kids, and it escalates.

I have talked to him about the stuff with my kids before, but I think I just need to find a moment to talk to him about this whole scenario and how sad it makes me to not be having fun with him.

I read something recently about how toddlers and teenagers both are at a stage of increased independence and are trying it out.  I think part of what is up with my nephew is that he wants to help with or be in charge of the kids.  However, his behavior shows me that even at 15 he is not ready to babysit my kids...he just doesn't seem to be able to handle things in an appropriate way.

Any thoughts about how to improve relations?

[chel]

No help, but I understand. My 10 yr dd is the same with my 1 yr old. I'm also going to have my 15 yr nephew stay with me for the summer. Looks like I might really have my hands full!

[ssh]

It sounds like your nephew doesn't think of your LOs as 'real' people. There are adults who don't view small children as people deserving of the same respect as everyone else. Have you had a talk with your nephew about how your children are people just like him and while they are still learning how to treat others and control their impulses, he has those skills and should treat them with the same respect he shows anyone? Also, you could ask, has he realized that LOs learn behavior from how they are treated, so by poking your DD he is actually teaching her it's appropriate to poke people. You should talk to your nephew when both of you are calm and nothing has happened. You could also say you would never have let an older kid treat him disrespectfully when he was little. He probably hasn't really thought about the possible consequences of his behavior.