DS is only 6.5 months but I can already see this becoming a problem, so I'm hoping to get input from parents of kids of all ages, so DH and I can start to set boundaries and expectations NOW ...
Both sets of grandparents live 2.5 hours away (in different directions). DS is the only grandchild on both sides. My parents are very respectful about visits - they come as often as they can, stay for a weekend, and really "mesh" with our routine with DS. They also respect him as a person (i.e., handing him to us immediately if he seems to need Mama or Daddy, asking us how best to do things, etc). My mom especially lends a hand around the house when they're here ... we really look forward to their visits because DS really enjoys them and it gives us a nice break!
DH's parents, on the other hand ... they have the financial means to visit much more often (way more than mine!), but they don't (despite having been invited numerous times). They come to visit DS when they're in our area for other business, and they're always on a very tight schedule - it's always their terms, their schedule, and DH and I always feel like we're "hosting" or catering. A typical example would be asking to meet us 30 minutes away from our house during DS' nap time, then acting all offended when he doesn't want to be held by them at a noisy restaurant when he's tired. I've actually had to climb over FIL to physically remove DS from MIL's hands while he sobs for me, because she wouldn't just hand him across the table despite my asking. We've invited them to come visit for a day to, say, take DS to the zoo all together, etc (things that are more laid back and involve more time, so that DS can get comfortable with them), and they don't.
So, this most recent visit, was on a day that I had to work. DS is on a really tight nap schedule (baby-led, but if we don't "do the schedule" he has a melt down), and it's much harder for DH to mess with his schedule because he doesn't have nursing to fall back on to calm things down. So, when MIL texted me two days prior to their visit to let us know they were coming, I responded with DS' "awake times" and said she'd have to coordinate with DH since I'd be at work, but that those were the times he'd be awake. So the day arrived and, according to DH, they tried to get DH to take DS out to see them right in the middle of a nap, then when he refused they came over right before another nap time, then acted all offended when DH only let DS stay up a little late to spend time with them (when DS started to cry from being tired, DH told his parents it was time for his nap... I don't know what his parents wanted exactly - him to let DS just cry and cry? The baby to stay awake through a nap by magic?). It turns out that they were in town (staying with other family) for TWO WHOLE DAYS and the only time they had to see their only grandkid was right in the middle of a nap??
Soo ... those of you who have BTDT ... are we overreacting? Is this kind of rude of them? Should we just be letting them dictate the times of all visits so that DS can see them and get to know them, or should we keep trying to set boundaries? How does that work out when the kids are older? I feel like it's become a bit of a power struggle, and as much as I want DS to have a good relationship with both grandparents I feel like at this stage of the game, it should be about his schedule and his needs as much as possible, kwim?