How much do you disrupt kids' schedules for the grandparents?

[MSWmama]

DS is only 6.5 months but I can already see this becoming a problem, so I'm hoping to get input from parents of kids of all ages, so DH and I can start to set boundaries and expectations NOW ... 

Both sets of grandparents live 2.5 hours away (in different directions). DS is the only grandchild on both sides. My parents are very respectful about visits - they come as often as they can, stay for a weekend, and really "mesh" with our routine with DS. They also respect him as a person (i.e., handing him to us immediately if he seems to need Mama or Daddy, asking us how best to do things, etc). My mom especially lends a hand around the house when they're here ... we really look forward to their visits because DS really enjoys them and it gives us a nice break! 

DH's parents, on the other hand ... they have the financial means to visit much more often (way more than mine!), but they don't (despite having been invited numerous times). They come to visit DS when they're in our area for other business, and they're always on a very tight schedule - it's always their terms, their schedule, and DH and I always feel like we're "hosting" or catering. A typical example would be asking to meet us 30 minutes away from our house during DS' nap time, then acting all offended when he doesn't want to be held by them at a noisy restaurant when he's tired. I've actually had to climb over FIL to physically remove DS from MIL's hands while he sobs for me, because she wouldn't just hand him across the table despite my asking. We've invited them to come visit for a day to, say, take DS to the zoo all together, etc (things that are more laid back and involve more time, so that DS can get comfortable with them), and they don't. 

So, this most recent visit, was on a day that I had to work. DS is on a really tight nap schedule (baby-led, but if we don't "do the schedule" he has a melt down), and it's much harder for DH to mess with his schedule because he doesn't have nursing to fall back on to calm things down. So, when MIL texted me two days prior to their visit to let us know they were coming, I responded with DS' "awake times" and said she'd have to coordinate with DH since I'd be at work, but that those were the times he'd be awake. So the day arrived and, according to DH, they tried to get DH to take DS out to see them right in the middle of a nap, then when he refused they came over right before another nap time, then acted all offended when DH only let DS stay up a little late to spend time with them (when DS started to cry from being tired, DH told his parents it was time for his nap... I don't know what his parents wanted exactly - him to let DS just cry and cry? The baby to stay awake through a nap by magic?). It turns out that they were in town (staying with other family) for TWO WHOLE DAYS and the only time they had to see their only grandkid was right in the middle of a nap?? 

Soo ... those of you who have BTDT ... are we overreacting? Is this kind of rude of them? Should we just be letting them dictate the times of all visits so that DS can see them and get to know them, or should we keep trying to set boundaries? How does that work out when the kids are older? I feel like it's become a bit of a power struggle, and as much as I want DS to have a good relationship with both grandparents I feel like at this stage of the game, it should be about his schedule and his needs as much as possible, kwim? 

[34me]

I think you guys are handling it fine.  My third guy set his own schedule too - but it was his way or the highway.  If he wasn't in his bed by 5:30 everyone within a mile was miserable.  So I get you on that.  I would just keep doing what you're doing and they will either get it......or not.  My in laws didn't really have a relationship with my kids until they were 3+

[Adaline'sMama]

My MIL lives over an hour away and my parents live almost 6 hours away. My parents visit about once a month, and MIL sees DD about once a week. I don regulate schedules when she is around either of them. It sounds like your ILs are busy, and babies are pretty flexible. I think your 8 month old's schedule is going to change so much anyway over the next year, that a day here and there might mean he's out of wack for a day, but to me it would be worth it for the grandparent time.

[motherhendoula]

I kinda get what youre saying OP - my own parents (incredibly down to Earth and helpful) - live far away and visit infrequently.  But my IL's live about 45 min away - we went from seeing these people every other holiday to seeing them every other weekend.  Its always the same no-win situation, I feel pressured to make sure that DS (9 mo old)  is happy, well slept, fed, and ready to play with his g-parents.    If we go to their house, i am stressing over each nap - have to pack the diaper bag with only clothes that THEY have given us, toys that THEY have given us etc....and he is typically in bed by 7 - so by 8  - 8:30 he is about ready to melt down...this hasnt changed since he was born ...why cant we sit down to coffee and dessert BEFORE 8:15??????   Thankfully my DH has been very good about taking cues from me....and not lingering!  I often have them over to my house (to further facilitate the nap/happy play time thing)  and i spend the day cooking...which i really dont mind...i enjoy cooking and LO loves to play his g-parents so as long as hes OK...and again at least DH will pick up slack in teh kitchen if i need to nurse or be with the baby.   But MIL always say the same thing "I didnt want you to spend the whole day cooking!"   keep in mind, its not just g-parents who come ...there is also one GREAT grand ma and a BIL coming along.....so pardon me if dinner for 6 doesnt just fall out of my microwave!  

ugh - i can remember my sister's MIL insisted on taking her and her 18 month old DS and 3 day old DD out to eat when they were visiting her...and then they freaked out when my sister went to nurse the baby......she just said "You can be quiet, or you can take me home!"  LOL

there just seem to be people in this world who did raise children....but i cant imagine how....they dont seem to have ANY idea how babies live!   Frankly, i wouldnt hyper extend myself or my LO for a chance at a 30 minute visit with teh g-parents.  I would say something like ...."Oh we cant meet you at 2:30 we have a dr. appt...we can make at 3:30"   - or whenever nap time is over....  and if they cant make it....then maybe next time.   Some people just arent 'baby people' - they may come around once LO is older and no longer napping - LOL or maybe they will expect you to pull him out of school to meet with them!   

[MSWmama]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 

My MIL lives over an hour away and my parents live almost 6 hours away. My parents visit about once a month, and MIL sees DD about once a week. I don regulate schedules when she is around either of them. It sounds like your ILs are busy, and babies are pretty flexible. I think your 8 month old's schedule is going to change so much anyway over the next year, that a day here and there might mean he's out of wack for a day, but to me it would be worth it for the grandparent time.

That's just it though ... my DS isn't flexible at all. If we're not "doing the schedule" (which he set), he's a total mess. So I feel like I end up dragging a miserable, overstimulated baby around town to see these people he barely knows who don't respect his boundaries, in order to keep them interested in a relationship long-term. But I'm wondering if that's worth it, or if I should just start setting strong boundaries now so that they "get it" eventually. 

[eclipse]

My oldest was not a flexible baby, either, so I totally understand. I think you need to set boundaries and stick to them now. If they were coming for a once a year visit from across the country, I might be willing to be more flexible, but they came from a couple of hours away withfair notice of when you guys would be able to have the baby available to visit. To just show up when ever and expect you to accommodate them is hugely disrespectful (and don't get me started on not handing a baby back to his parent when requested!). If you think they'd be receptive to it, your husband can lay it out for them before the next visit - that you guys feel that they aren't respecting you as parents, aren't considering the hardship they're putting on you when they expect the baby to be at their beck and call, etc. If you think that will just make things worse, I'd just be firm and keep doing what you're doing. If they ask you to take the baby out to eat when he'd rather be sleeping, just politely decline and offer to meet them somewhere when he wakes up or invite them to come by at whatever time is convenient for you. If they show up during or just before the baby's nap time, don't wake him up early or keep him up late. If they protest, just say something like, "I really wish you guys would have come at X time (whenever you invited them to come) because then you would have been able to spend more time with ds! Oh well, maybe next time it will work out better!"

[mamadebug]

I think there are a lot of variables in these kinds of situations.  The first thing I had to accept is that the grandparents may not be the grandparents I hoped they would be.  Due to divorce and remarriage, my son has three sets of grandparents - and the one I least expected to be at all helpful has turned out to be wonderful and the one I thought would be fantastic has been really difficult about this kind of stuff.  But, I want my son to have the best possible relationship with all of his grandparents regardless of if they are how I would hope they would be, so I have been as accommodating and flexible as I can without letting things get too out of whack. So, I tried to keep to our nap and bedtime schedule, but could be flexible with it - DS could sleep in the car or wherever we were meeting up or sometimes he missed the nap all together.  I was OK with him getting to bed a little late - he was usually crankier the next day, but it didn't seem like that big of a deal.  I had to not worry about their expectations and reactions if he was cranky and didn't want to be held by them or was not wearing an outfit my mom bought or whatever...that kind of stuff I just let go.  As I type this, I realize I was pretty flexible in trying to accommodate meeting up with them, but they kind of got us as we were - sleeping baby, cranky baby, baby not in outfit grandma just sent....   

[~Amy~]

Sleep is sacred in our house.  The Queen of England could show up wanting to see my kids & I'm still going to put them to bed on time.  I can be pretty flexible about a lot of things...sleep is not one of them.

My parents are much like yours, OP.  They live fairly close & visit fairly often.  They want us to carry on with our normal schedule when they visit.  My IL's are the same distance away as my parents, but in the opposite direction.  We don't see them as often (they still work while my parents are retired) and it's for shorter amounts of time (sometimes just part of a day, while my parents usually stay overnight at least one night).  They are also respectful of the children's schedules, thankfully, although my MIL does have this somewhat annoying habit of wanting to Skype with my 3 year old at supper time on Sunday nights.  Supper is followed immediately by bed because he's usually a bear by that time.  

[khaoskat]

After years of trying to be work around my in-laws, I gave up.  I realized that my children's needs for sleep and rest and a not over stressed mother from their misbehaving due to lack of sleep, was more important than the relationship with their grandparents.  We have totally off schedules from theirs, and they WILL NOT give on theirs.  For them, church is more important than going to a school event for the grandchildren (they go to a church farther away, so by the time they could get into town it is close to 2 or 3 pm...and the event was from 12-4).

They are eating dinner around 8 pm.  My children are in bed, and probably going for lights out (bed time routine starts at 7:30, with teeth brushing and story time, then quiet time in bed to read or play quietly with toys).  So, if we would do that, my kids would be off schedule by about 3 hours, and they get up at 6:30 - 7:30 am.

[MsFortune]

I'd take a stand and stick to your baby's schedule.  It's only right to respect your baby's need for sleep and eat.  Everything else should revolve around that.

They are being disrespectful and inconsiderate.  I get that you don't want to create a war with your in-laws but if you don't draw a line now it will only get worse.  

Babies are a lot more flexible than toddlers are!

[Dandelionkid]

Your boundaries are fine. No guilt! It's up to them to work on the relationship within your guidelines. 

[crunchy_mommy]

OK so I met this guy once who said he had never taken his kids to see [awesome local seasonal attraction] because it was past their (super early) bedtime. His exact words were something like, "The book says they need to be in bed by 6pm so we can't go." I'll be honest. I thought it was nuts. But that was his choice and I guess it was THAT important to him that he'd never make exceptions, not even for once-a-year fun.

So I would think of it like that. Are there situations you'd make exceptions for? Would you let your kid go 'off schedule' for a few hours (or a day or two) for a great family vacation, or a fun once-in-a-great-while outing with you & DH, or whatever? If so, I'd think you should make the same exception for the grandparents. If you never make your own exceptions to the rule, I wouldn't make exceptions for grandparents either. If it's THAT important to you, I think you should stand your ground and politely re-state that they will not be able to see your DS until he wakes at X:00 or whatever.

DS acts the same whether he's napped well or poorly, on schedule or not at all, etc. so we just do whatever and he will sleep when/if he's tired enough. However we do try to plan visits so that DS can nap in the car on the way there etc. and leave before he gets overtired (though he goes to bed super late -- 11pm -- so that's not a big deal at all!) I just cannot stand rigid schedules -- so I'm really glad my DS seems to hate them too.

[katelove]

I'm more than happy to change our routine as long as it doesn't result in a miserable baby.

I am old enough to make a rational decision - I really want to stay out late tonight for [insert reason] and I'm ok with being really tired tomorrow as a result. My baby can't make a decision like that. She doesn't understand that staying up late will make her feel terrible later. So nope, OP, in the situation you described I don't think you're being unreasonable and I don't think you should change the routine. 

Is it worth explaining very clearly to the ILs why you need to stick to the routine? They may not understand that it has such an impact on you LO.

[major_mama11]

Nothing wrong with setting boundaries. If they continue to think it's okay to disregard your baby's needs, that's their own issue, not yours. Maybe you could ask them how they would feel if you showed up at their house at 3 am and turned on all the lights and dragged them out of bed... a baby's need for daytime sleep is just as important as an adult's need for nighttime sleep, since a baby physically needs more hours.

[Novus]

We're okay with fairly big disruptions to DS' sleep schedule for visits with grandparents, but that's only because (a) our closest set of grandparents live 6 hours away, so visits don't happen very frequently and (b) DS is flexible and does fine with having his schedule moved around.  If either of those conditions didn't exist, I'd be much less flexible with visits.  As it is, it's only been in the past 6 months or so (DS is 2 now) that I've become this flexible because DS has shown me that he's fine with it.

In your situation, I'd work on enforcing boundaries because it sounds like they're being pretty inflexible and expecting you to pick up the slack.  I'd continue to issue specific invitations ("We're going to the zoo on this date, we'd love to have you come with us if you're available!") and if they choose to reject them, that's on them.

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by MSWmama Soo ... those of you who have BTDT ... are we overreacting? Is this kind of rude of them? Should we just be letting them dictate the times of all visits so that DS can see them and get to know them, or should we keep trying to set boundaries? How does that work out when the kids are older? I feel like it's become a bit of a power struggle, and as much as I want DS to have a good relationship with both grandparents I feel like at this stage of the game, it should be about his schedule and his needs as much as possible, kwim? 

I wouldn't mess with the nap time and I would make that clear to them. I would continue to tell them when you guys are available for a visit. At some point your ds will no longer nap but right now he needs to nap. Sleep is important to proper growth and development as well as mood.

Quote:

Sleep is important for physical recuperation, physical growth, the immune system, brain development, learning, memory, and information processing as well as many other systems of the brain and the human body.

from http://www.tau.ac.il/~sadeh/baby/about_sleep.html

You told them when a good time to visit was and they chose to ignore you and your baby's needs. That was rude.

[NellieKatz]

I say your babies' needs come first, and it also sounds like your relationship with them does need some work because of the "acting all offended" comments. I, too, have some relatives who are very challenging, and my training (self-taught) in Boundaries has taught me that they can act as offended as they want but that it not up to me to "fix" their feelings. My child's needs come first. Now, as your child gets older and more aware of what's going on, you may add to his needs "having a relationship with his grandparents," (which I'd totally agree with) and so then some flexibility may be required on your part to accomplish this. But for now, when he's so little and has such specific needs, I think the in-laws just need to get over it.   :-)

[mumkimum]

Originally Posted by khaoskat 

After years of trying to be work around my in-laws, I gave up.  I realized that my children's needs for sleep and rest and a not over stressed mother from their misbehaving due to lack of sleep, was more important than the relationship with their grandparents.  We have totally off schedules from theirs, and they WILL NOT give on theirs.  For them, church is more important than going to a school event for the grandchildren (they go to a church farther away, so by the time they could get into town it is close to 2 or 3 pm...and the event was from 12-4).
 

I'd like to echo this sentiment.  My dd1 was rough on me about sleep, sure we visited our (nearby) IL's, and sometimes that meant that I was walking around their living room with dd in the sling the whole time because that's what she needed (she was a horrible sleeper).  We tried to not end up being there too late because she would just be so unpleasant a baby and it was just too tiring on me to have to do that not in the comfort of home.  I came to find out later that there was complaining about her always in the sling  but really, if we're elsewhere with a baby for several hours she's going to need somewhere to sleep.  

There are times when it will be worth a compromise and times when it's just too much.  That's okay, you don't have to compromise your schedule every time.  Round up videos/photos to show off at the times that don't work out for your kid.  That's a nice way you can still try to share what's going on in life together.  

And your kid's schedule will probably change over the next year or two quite a bit, sometimes it'll work out better for their visiting on its own without having to bend over backward. 

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

OK so I met this guy once who said he had never taken his kids to see [awesome local seasonal attraction] because it was past their (super early) bedtime. His exact words were something like, "The book says they need to be in bed by 6pm so we can't go." I'll be honest. I thought it was nuts. But that was his choice and I guess it was THAT important to him that he'd never make exceptions, not even for once-a-year fun.

So I would think of it like that. Are there situations you'd make exceptions for? Would you let your kid go 'off schedule' for a few hours (or a day or two) for a great family vacation, or a fun once-in-a-great-while outing with you & DH, or whatever? If so, I'd think you should make the same exception for the grandparents. If you never make your own exceptions to the rule, I wouldn't make exceptions for grandparents either. If it's THAT important to you, I think you should stand your ground and politely re-state that they will not be able to see your DS until he wakes at X:00 or whatever.

DS acts the same whether he's napped well or poorly, on schedule or not at all, etc. so we just do whatever and he will sleep when/if he's tired enough. However we do try to plan visits so that DS can nap in the car on the way there etc. and leave before he gets overtired (though he goes to bed super late -- 11pm -- so that's not a big deal at all!) I just cannot stand rigid schedules -- so I'm really glad my DS seems to hate them too.

The thing is, the only reason these grandparent visits call for a change in schedule is that the inlaws never actually just go and visit the OP, dh, and ds. They have the ability to come visit at more reasonable times, and choose not to. One of the risks of trying to see people when you're traveling for business is that they might not be able to see you. Since a 6 month old can't learn to magically be happy when he's tired, it's time for the 60 year olds to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and align itself to their convenience.
 

[APToddlerMama]

I'm pretty certain you must actually be my sister-in-law because that sounds exactly like my in-laws ;).  DS is three and it definitely gets easier now that he isn't on a strict schedule, etc., but as a baby, not only was he on a schedule, but it was his own and we didn't know what it would be from day to day so it made it extra hard to plan.  Not all kids are easy babies who can have their routines easily disrupted without a lot of hassle for mom, dad, and baby.  It sounds like you have one of those babies too.  Messing up your lives so that adults can have their way makes no sense to me. 

To answer your questions, No! You are not overreacting, and yes!  They are being seriously rude.  I would flip out if my in-laws refused to hand my crying baby back to me and have had to do the same thing as you and go over and basically grab him back.  Is MSW for Masters of social work?  Time to set some boundaries for sure and everyone will be better off for it.  I think it takes grandparents some time to figure out their roles, and some grandparents just keep pushing and pushing until you stop them.  I know mine did.  We tried for a long time to be gracious, kind, and accomodating until they became so totally unreasonable that we had no other choice but to confront them.  I think it is time for your husband to have a talk with them.  If he isn't comfortable doing so, and even if he is, I'd start letting their calls go into voicemail so I was prepared for what they were going to ask.  If the request was 1pm on Friday and that is when your babe is going to be napping, I would return the call and say sorry that doesn't work, but they're welcome to come at 3 or whenever baby will be awake.  Besides being pushy, demanding, and expecting you to cater to their *adult* needs, but they are being passive aggressive in terms of respecting your parenting choices.  When baby is crying and you ask for him back, it is seriously disrespectful not to hand him back to you.  You are totally within your rights to set some boundaries with them.  Good luck!  It is definitely tough.