How much do you disrupt kids' schedules for the grandparents? - Page 2

[MSWmama]

OP here ... Thanks for all the great feedback! It's good to hear from other Mamas that, given DS' temperament, we're on the right track so far. 
 

Originally Posted by APToddlerMama 

I'm pretty certain you must actually be my sister-in-law because that sounds exactly like my in-laws ;).  DS is three and it definitely gets easier now that he isn't on a strict schedule, etc., but as a baby, not only was he on a schedule, but it was his own and we didn't know what it would be from day to day so it made it extra hard to plan.  Not all kids are easy babies who can have their routines easily disrupted without a lot of hassle for mom, dad, and baby.  It sounds like you have one of those babies too.  Messing up your lives so that adults can have their way makes no sense to me. 

To answer your questions, No! You are not overreacting, and yes!  They are being seriously rude.  I would flip out if my in-laws refused to hand my crying baby back to me and have had to do the same thing as you and go over and basically grab him back.  Is MSW for Masters of social work?  Time to set some boundaries for sure and everyone will be better off for it.  I think it takes grandparents some time to figure out their roles, and some grandparents just keep pushing and pushing until you stop them.  I know mine did.  We tried for a long time to be gracious, kind, and accomodating until they became so totally unreasonable that we had no other choice but to confront them.  I think it is time for your husband to have a talk with them.  If he isn't comfortable doing so, and even if he is, I'd start letting their calls go into voicemail so I was prepared for what they were going to ask.  If the request was 1pm on Friday and that is when your babe is going to be napping, I would return the call and say sorry that doesn't work, but they're welcome to come at 3 or whenever baby will be awake.  Besides being pushy, demanding, and expecting you to cater to their *adult* needs, but they are being passive aggressive in terms of respecting your parenting choices.  When baby is crying and you ask for him back, it is seriously disrespectful not to hand him back to you.  You are totally within your rights to set some boundaries with them.  Good luck!  It is definitely tough. 

I wish you were my sister-in-law! Then I wouldn't be the first one in the family ever telling these people that they don't run the show. ;) Yes, MSW does stand for master's in social work. And I would definitely encourage a client to set appropriate boundaries in my situation!  It's just hard because it's very important to DH that DS have a good relationship with his grandparents, and he doesn't want to alienate them (although he agrees that their behavior is rude). So his take is to just let DS be unhappy every 4-5 weeks so that they can "see" him (i.e., watch him be overstimulated and crying in a crowded restaurant while I explain, again, that it's nap time and he's not usually like this), and to hope that as DS gets older the excitement of seeing Grandma and Grandpa will be enough to help him skip a nap or alter his schedule if needed. Although, after this most recent visit (when I was at work so DH had to deal with it himself), he's more on my side. 

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan 

The thing is, the only reason these grandparent visits call for a change in schedule is that the inlaws never actually just go and visit the OP, dh, and ds. They have the ability to come visit at more reasonable times, and choose not to. One of the risks of trying to see people when you're traveling for business is that they might not be able to see you. Since a 6 month old can't learn to magically be happy when he's tired, it's time for the 60 year olds to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them and align itself to their convenience.
 

That's exactly it! We would 100% definitely switch up his schedule and just do our best to keep him happy if it was a one-time thing that couldn't be changed (a graduation ceremony, etc). It's that they have the means / time to visit at other times, and choose to just expect the baby to be ready and waiting for them when they decide to show up. We really never wanted to be "those parents" who drop everything to run home for nap time, but that's the kind of baby we have.  RIght now, we really do plan our whole lives around his schedule, so we're not asking the ILs to do anything that we don't do every single day. We're hoping that he'll get more flexible as he gets older, because I don't want to become that parent the PP mentioned, who won't let the kids stay up late once a year for a fun community event... Although I'm starting to understand where that guy was coming from! 

For now, the plan is just to keep doing what we did this past weekend .. be very clear about what times work, and if they show up at other times (which is what they did to DH this past weekend - they showed up at nap time and then expected him to take the baby out for fast food with everyone!), continue on with the baby's schedule while reminding them what times work better. 

[APToddlerMama]

Originally Posted by MSWmama 

I wish you were my sister-in-law! Then I wouldn't be the first one in the family ever telling these people that they don't run the show. ;) Yes, MSW does stand for master's in social work. And I would definitely encourage a client to set appropriate boundaries in my situation!  It's just hard because it's very important to DH that DS have a good relationship with his grandparents, and he doesn't want to alienate them (although he agrees that their behavior is rude). So his take is to just let DS be unhappy every 4-5 weeks so that they can "see" him (i.e., watch him be overstimulated and crying in a crowded restaurant while I explain, again, that it's nap time and he's not usually like this), and to hope that as DS gets older the excitement of seeing Grandma and Grandpa will be enough to help him skip a nap or alter his schedule if needed. Although, after this most recent visit (when I was at work so DH had to deal with it himself), he's more on my side. 

Ha, I am a social worker too.  The boundary thing is harder when its your own family/in-laws though.  It has been extremely important to my DH for DS to have a relationship with his grandparents as well, so I try to respect that.  I remind him though that we cannot control how they are going to react when we set appropriate and healthy boundaries.  That is their business and we try not to worry too much about it as long as we feel like we are being reasonable.  It sounds like you definitely are considering you invite them to the zoo, etc.  It just sounds like they are used to the world bending over backwards to meet their demands, and it is okay to not do that.  Regardless, it does get easier as they get older because you are able to be more flexible with the schedule.  We were strict with DS when he was a baby, but as a three year old he has been known to stay up until midnight with the grandparents.  Set the boundaries now though.  They need to realize you're the boss of your baby now or they'll just continue pushing boundaries in other different ways as he gets older.  Good luck!  Being the first grandchild is a blessing and a curse...

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat 

You told them when a good time to visit was and they chose to ignore you and your baby's needs. That was rude.

This.

I'd probably work to accommodate my in-laws, but I've never had a child with a really inflexible nap time. DS2 had to nap when he had to nap, but he was also almost impossible to wake up and probably would have just fallen back asleep on his grandparent, if I'd woken him up. If I had a child who really, really needed a nap at a certain time, I wouldn't mess with it.

We go to great lengths to accommodate dh's parents. But, that's because they live in Knoxville, and use a week of their vacation every year to come here and spend time with us. In return, that week is theirs, yk? DS1 gives up most of his social life for that week, too. It's the only time we see them, and it's valuable to all of us.

[crunchy_mommy]

From my experience, DS was ALWAYS miserable after seeing the inlaws (or my parents) whether he was well-rested or not. It was just too much stimulation for him and too many people trying to hold him and too many loud annoying toys being shoved in his face. (He has sensory issues and was VERY high-needs). So that's where I was coming from -- not that my kid is super easy & flexible, just that it would've made no difference in the end WHEN people showed up!!!