Question for Bi Women

[Amethyst69]

Hi There,

For those of you who entered into relationships with women after having been partnered with a man and having kids for many years. How did you meet your girlfriends? I'm asking because my social circle is peopled almost entirely with straight nuclear families. As far as breaking into the local LGBTQ communities, I hear things like lesbians may not like Bi women, Bi people are trying to prove they can be monogamous, so aren't down with Poly folks. It's all a little intimidating. Where to begin?

[prettyisa]

It's hard to say without knowing more about the situation (and the community, I guess). I don't have kids yet, so that part I can't speak to, but in general I think the easiest thing to do is to skip the labels and just say you're interested in dating women. Who you've been with in the past is an important part of your story, and obviously you'll want to tell partners about that past (and possibly that you'd be open to dating men again in the future, if that's the case and it seems relevant). But if for now what you are looking for is a woman, that should be the main thing.

Bi gets a tough rap, and I think it's mostly either ignorance or just the fact that it's a good scapegoat--since most people won't own up to it (preferring to go with whatever their dating status is instead--oh! I've got a girlfriend, I'm a lesbian. Now I have a boyfriend, so I'm straight). There is also some contention over whether there are two genders, since so many people feel that they fall somewhere on a spectrum. I understand all of that, but it sounds like this is less about having a debate on LGBTQ terminology and more about getting a date, so I don't think it should matter much.

Same thing goes for the poly stuff--if you're interested in having an open relationship or many relationships, I think you should just be up front about that when you meet potential partners. Some people won't be up for it (I know I can't do more than one at a time) but others will be and then you can negotiate the terms in whatever way suits you both.

Where to meet them? Are there any queer-friendly churches of your personal persuasion nearby? Any queer meetup groups or volunteer organizations? Any family groups? And if not, here's always the internet... Good luck!

[BunnyLullabye]

It's probably different here because sometimes it seems like nearly everyone in Portland is Bi or somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum. For me the problem is more about finding someone I want to date, since I am incredibly picky, and someone who wants to date me. 

I agree about the whole terminology thing. It's annoying, I do feel like I'm much more pansexual or something other than bi, but it seems like most of those terms connote a sort of  "more-alternative-than-thou" type of attitude which just isn't me.

I've met women through the local poly community, craigslist, okcupid, various activist and outreach activities, church, school, work, orchestra, dance, Rocky Horror Picture Show, friends of friends, girlfriends of friends etc. A few of those women even actually dated me lol. 

[Amethyst69]

Thank-you both for your replies! Heck I'm moving to Portland LOL. Ya, I don't dig the labels either. I know Bi is passe and don't mean it as a slight to anybody, just my experience is limited to 2 genders so far...but I'm open! No one in this town would have a clue what Pansexual is anyway. Great suggestions for where to meet women! Wish me luck:)

[asprague]

SOO comforting to hear that there are others out there like me. I am married to my love, my husband. He knows I am bi, has known for 6 years, but every once and a while I get these "cravings" for women. This past craving hit me really hard and I asked my friend (who lives in Portland, OR, lol) and she made me feel like I could possibly satiate this craving. Having talked with my husband, I feel like he is very uncomfortable with the idea but open to it if it is absolutely necessary. I don't want to screw with my marriage or his feelings for me, even though we spoke of having unlimited love to give to each other and others. Things are already getting messy and we decided to drop the topic for now...ugh. I couldn't sleep last night. I feel like I just got dumped, having lost this brief opportunity to connect intimately with women. My mind is SO overwhelmed right now. I am having trouble eating, I have no idea why though. Anyone help me?

[Amethyst69]

Feel your pain...I was 15 years into my monogamous hetero relationship before my bisexuality reasserted itself with avengence. Unfortunately, I was so worked up by then that I fell into a somewhat unhealthy relationship with a woman from my "playdate group". We both had so many life changes going on and were so inexperienced with relationships between women that we hurt each other bad. The silver lining is that my male partner was an awesome support through the whole thing, we became much closer through it, and he still strongly advocates for me having a girlfriend, so I'm lucky in that I'm free to date women, but as I said before that's a process in itself!

[asprague]

Me again! My craving has become more manageable, but is still there. I think it is mainly when my husband is at work, that I want an intimate female relationship. Would that even work or be worth it? Is there another solution? If my husband worked at home, would my cravings get less and less, or just re-assert in a different way?

I am not ready to stop considering this, but I am aware that it may not need to happen right now... good luck to you girls!