I wouldn't say anything and just bring the toys to a children's hospital or save them for Toys For Tots or a similar holiday fundraiser. I would feel incredibly awkward showing up at a bday party without a gift. Honestly, I probably wouldn't even come. Social awkwardness is not something I deal well with.
I am so glad I asked this. I guess I didn't really consider how rude/picky it could come across but you ladies have helped me see the light! I appreciate it. I know some families who go through their own toys and choose some to donate to charity to offset the incoming gifts, which in the end may be the route we take after getting your perspectives. Thanks again!
This sounds like the best option, to me. Glad you got feedback (and I'm impressed that you are thinking so far ahead).
I'm also in the camp of not dictating if people should or shouldn't bring a gift. I love birthdays and I think people should be allowed to honor their friend/family member in a way that they decide. A gift isn't just something material - its an expression of love. It's something you think about, take time to pick out, and when I get a gift I will forever think of the person who gave it to me when I use it. I always think that the No Gifts thing smacks a little of elitism. We're so evolved that we don't need THINGS. Well, I love gifts - giving, getting - they are all so special. And I think something that's not talked about enough is that it's really important to teach our kids how to be gracious receivers and givers of gifts. If they don't get gifts in a public setting they won't learn. This is what I do to kind of even the balance:
I've watched my niece and nephew open gifts in the most ungracious way. My son was so sweet this year - he was so enthralled with his water guns that he stopped opening and had to go play. We ended up taking some of the gifts home for later. Then at the end of the day he declared "I'm SO HAPPY I had a birthday!"
And I agree that an influx of new toys is a great chance to go through the old and give then to kids who have less - turn potential materialism into altruism.
I'm also in the camp of not dictating if people should or shouldn't bring a gift. I love birthdays and I think people should be allowed to honor their friend/family member in a way that they decide. A gift isn't just something material - its an expression of love. It's something you think about, take time to pick out, and when I get a gift I will forever think of the person who gave it to me when I use it. I always think that the No Gifts thing smacks a little of elitism. We're so evolved that we don't need THINGS. Well, I love gifts - giving, getting - they are all so special. And I think something that's not talked about enough is that it's really important to teach our kids how to be gracious receivers and givers of gifts. If they don't get gifts in a public setting they won't learn. This is what I do to kind of even the balance:
I've watched my niece and nephew open gifts in the most ungracious way. My son was so sweet this year - he was so enthralled with his water guns that he stopped opening and had to go play. We ended up taking some of the gifts home for later. Then at the end of the day he declared "I'm SO HAPPY I had a birthday!"
And I agree that an influx of new toys is a great chance to go through the old and give then to kids who have less - turn potential materialism into altruism.
It is rude because it implies that you were expecting gifts to start with and people are invited to the party to have good time, not to bring gifts. It jsut most of the time people bring gifts. Brinign gifts is joyful expreince for many guest and a getting a right gift is learning oppotunity for a child. Where I live, parents call and ask what sort of the gift a child wants. I usually sayd "You do not need to bring anything but yourself , but if you insist, my kids loves x,y,z"
I think presents are just fun to give and receive. Someday, the kids who don't get presents or learn how to give good gifts in a thoughtful and meaningful manner are going to be talking to their friends about how weird their parents were. "Oh my gosh, I was deprived of BIRTHDAY PRESENTS!" LOL, I'm sorry, but why on earth would you not want to participate in gift exchanging. (this is a rhetorical question, no need for snarky answers).....it's silly.
Even if you don't want the stuff, just take it, nod, smile, and give it to charity.
Yes, mentioning gifts in any way is rude.
I agree with the PP who said to limit the number of guests. This helps a lot.
You could also do a theme party-- like everyone dress up as their favorite book character. That may hint to people that books are cool to give.
I would quietly donate what you want. Heck, I do that for the toys I'VE given to them which have been a bust-- and yes, even the nice German wooden ones are still a bust sometimes!
I think that nowadays it's not at all rude to address the obvious; that times are a' changin' when it comes to presents, expectations of said presents, complicated feelings about presents, and the general shift happening for many people away from a consumer-driven, gift-centered experience and towards something different, whatever that may be. In my opinion, it's not very different than the fact that we talk more about religion, politics, sexuality and money these days too. To say it's rude is to take us all back to the days when we were all supposed to smile and look pretty and pretend that everything was always and permanently hunky dory. To the OP, I hear you loud and clear.
We've addressed the elephant in the room several times now. On our wedding invites we put 'no gifts please' and for our dd's shower, we put 'no gifts please' and for her first and second birthdays we put 'instead of gifts, we're collecting donations for the children's program at the food bank.'
Works for us.
Ok ... here is what we did for my dd's 2nd birthday, not sure if it will work well for a 4 year old but I am thinking of doing it again for her 3rd ... so on the invitation we asked that everyone bring a toy or something that their children don't play with anymore for a toy exchange. This was a great way for everyone, including my dd to get something new to take home. You could do this with books or other things too. This solved the not feeling comfortable coming empty handed problem as well as excessive gifts and party favors all in one. This also teaches kids about sharing and re-using things. We didn't have any problems with kids parting with their things or fights over toys; it worked really well. Just an idea:) Good luck!
For her past two birthdays (she's 4), I've put "presents are not required" on DD's invites. Yes, some people still brought stuff, but the gifts were very much tamed down compared to other kid's birthday parties I've attended. She got some homemade artwork, a homemade dress, other clothes and trips to the zoo and a play (it is still mostly family and close friends that were attending and they all know my stance on "stuff").
I don't know, I just dislike presents and will take up anyone that even hints that I don't need to bring one to a party or gathering. Maybe it's because I have really specific taste, but I hardly ever enjoy receiving things from other people. I donate most gifts that people give me. So, yeah, like most mommies of the world, my issues are dictating the course of my kid's childhood experiences....hehe.
The toy/book exchange is a good idea.
Really? Would you mind elaborating? I thought it sounded ok but what is your perspective? I really do appreciate your input! I don't want to offend anyone but I also don't want to be stuck with a bunch of random junk when unfortunately, we already have a bunch of random junk, kwim?
Well, why do you think you would get a bunch of "random junk"?
Last year DS just had one kid go mini-golfing with him for his birthday, and the boy and his mom bought DS a lovely fairy tale book. Even better, most of the stories were stories that Disney later changed, which I think was on purpose b/c they know we're Disneyland freaks, and that was just neat.
This year he had more kids at his party, and while I battled with the "no gifts" thing, I ended up NOT doing it, and...his gifts were lovely. The boy mentioned above gave him an amazing wool crafting book. He got a volcano kit! He also got a Bakugan arena thing, which the dad apologized for as he handed over the gift bag, but meh, it wasn't so bad. He and DH went crazy with it for a few days and then just sort of lost interest. I'm not even sure where it is right now, but I don't feel that it was random junk. In THAT case I KNOW that it was something the kids that gave it to him WANTED to give to him. It was something they enjoy playing at home, and it meant something to them, to give it to him. Oh, and he got a giftcard from another friend.
Even DS knew that not taking a gift felt wrong. The giftcard givers had a no-gift party last year, and we complied with it after she told me several times that she REALLY didn't want gifts for him. But everyone brought them. Augh. And DS *hated* walking up to them and saying hi, without a present for him. I *want* to comply with such wishes, but...it doesn't feel right at all.
Give the guests benefit of the doubt that the gifts they give will mean something to them. And that they won't necessarily be just random junk.
I've never felt comfortable putting no gift so what I do is we do not open gifts at the party. When we get home from the party I tell dd she can open her gifts later, she goes for quiet time and I peek at the gifts. If there's five gifts I might take 2 away. She's never realized I do this, not sure if this will work this year now that she is older. These are gifts from friends, not family. Things like a barbie, nothing really sentimental.
I am always completely relieved to read "no gifts, please" on an invitation!
Both of my kids are in FT daycare, and the social expectation there is that if you're going to have a party, you invite everyone in the class.
SO YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW MANY INVITATIONS COME FLYING THROUGH MY HOUSE. And how many gifts we are expected to buy if we attend the parties. It's so expensive. At that point, it feels less like a thoughtful gesture and more like the price of admission.
We certainly don't go to every one of the parties-- but when we do, I have DDs make something for the kid if there is a NGP request. It teaches my girls generosity/ thoughtfulness, and it comes across as a host gift, not a rule-breaker. Sometimes we pick flowers, paint rocks, whatever. Something small that's actually from THEM, not from Target.
Sorry, I'm rambling. Because I'm at work :)
BUT, I always put "no gifts please" on the invite. Always will. I had no idea that would make anyone uncomfortable-- thanks for the insight!
I really like the exchange/ donate ideas here, or maybe you could ask each kid to bring the birthday girl a nice hand-drawn picture-- make a birthday book/ binder or something.
Around here it's not uncommon to do the book exchange ("Please bring a wrapped book in lieu of a gift. Each kid will get to bring one home.") I also like the charity idea.
I like these ideas. I would rather offer some sort of alternative rather than just stating "no gifts" to whatever degree because according to what I've heard etiquette-wise, we are not to "expect" a gift just because we have a party for ourselves or our children. :-) So telling people not to bring something we shouldn't expect in the first place can come across as rude to some people. But offering something different like a book swap, donating to charity is totally different!
It seems awfully rude to be furious that people brought gifts. The norm in our culture is to give gifts on special occasions and you're asking people to step outside of that and do something that they feel is rude (show up without a gift) and you're getting mad when they bring a gift (something that they view as a loving thing to do).
It seems awfully rude to be furious that people brought gifts. The norm in our culture is to give gifts on special occasions and you're asking people to step outside of that and do something that they feel is rude (show up without a gift) and you're getting mad when they bring a gift (something that they view as a loving thing to do).
I don't think it is the norm to shower a child with gifts when he simply graduated from preschool. It was preschool, not his PhD or something. I wanted to have a simple little get together with our close family and have some ice cream, that's it. I felt that it would be rude to ask people to bring gifts to his preschool graduation so I wanted to be clear that we did not expect gifts. About half of the guests showed up with gifts and the other half did not. Most who brought gifts brought cards with a bit of money so I was able to discretely thank them and put them aside. A few came waltzing in with colorful packages and gave them directly to my son who, of course, wanted to open them immediately. Obviously, this made those who did not bring gifts uncomfortable and I thought it was blatantly disrespectful to my DH and I as the hosts of the party. I don't see it as a loving gesture when it flies in the face of our request. It gave our little party an uncomfortable feeling and folks ended up leaving early. So yes, I was furious and I will not be hosting a preschool graduation party for my other children. I will find another way to quietly celebrate that milestone.
Seriously, if you are going to host an event that is celebrating something important like a birthday or graduation, you have to be okay with people bringing cards, gifts, or cash. It's really unfair to get upset about the guests who do bring something to acknowledge the person being celebrated, whether or not you stated "no gifts, please" or not. This is why it's not proper etiquette to either request gifts or mention them at all. You are messing with social expectations and your guests comfort level - whether they are one who was taught that it was rude to show up empty handed or if they were one who followed your "picky" gift rules and brought nothing.
We were at a party the other day (5th birthday) where the mom said "gifts not necessary" on the invite. That could be interpreted as a nice way to say she really did not want anyone bringing gifts for her kid, or, it could be interpreted that she didn't want anyone to feel like they had to rush out and spend money on something in order to attend (it was a last minute get-together). As it was, I'd say more people than not did bring gifts, and some did not. No one felt weird, the gifts were put to the side, pretty much out of sight, and were taken home with them vs. opened in front of everyone - the party was at a park. I cannot imagine the mom being pissed off at those of us who showed up with a gift.
In my opinion, if you do not want gifts and you cannot speak individually to each guest to make sure they are okay with that ( remember here, gift giving is half about the giver and half about the receiver), then you really should not invite anyone to a party that involves celebrating a child - where gifts are the social norm.
You know, it's really not a big hassle to get rid of things you don't want to keep in your home that were given to you. If that's what it takes to keep your friends and family comfortable, then plan accordingly to make a trip to goodwill or pass the items on some other way. To me, being snobby about not wanting gifts is worse than sending out cards with registry info for a 1st birthday party.
The first - and last - no gift birthday party my kids (and I) attended was awkward. My kids couldn't understand it, no matter what kind of 'happy-earth-friendly-spin' I tried to put on it they had already written off the kid's parents as "so mean" . The birthday boy wasn't buying it either and spent the last half hour of the party crying. He didn't want to open the cards that his friends had brought, and he certainly didn't seem to care at all about the food bank donations that were collected in lieu of gifts. I can't say I blame him, I mean, he's 6. He's a kid, he wants presents.
I understand the issue of too many toys, too much plastic, etc, but a lot of people like, no LOVE buying and giving gifts, I know I do, my kids do, it's fun, especially when the kids come home and are all like "OMG, he LOVED the helicopter/kite/book/etc!!! OMG times a thousand!!!"
And it makes me sad to think about my Mom & Dad, or IL's going through a birthday without bringing a gift, they (the folks) get so excited about it and they plan it for weeks. Seriously I could not take that from them. And Dh and I, and my childless brothers, it's just plain old fun, buying gifts for little kids!
Why not just weed through what you already have ( I don't nesessarily mean you, YOU OP, I'm talking in general : ) donate the stuff that isn't played with, or that's outgrown and make room for some new things. Repeat process next year. (We take yearly trips to our local women & children's shelter, so any unplayed with or 'unwanted' presents always get a second life.)
I find that most people will ask what your child is into, or what they need anyway, and it's easy to just say art supplies, books, music or outside stuff (jump ropes, chalk etc) So that helps.
Although next year I WILL be requesting no BB guns, fireworks or stinkbombs please.
My DD turned seven last week and it was the first time we've ever had a birthday party. We invited a ridiculous number of kid, and a huge amount showed up (about 25). I considered asking for no gifts, but didn't feel like I could, since it was DD's first party. The gifts were lovely--craft kits, art supplies, books, outdoor toys, and games. Our guests were all of DD's first-grade classmates. I don't know where the assumption comes in that people in general buy junk for birthdays. All of the gifts that came to us were thoughtful and obviously chosen by the kids, who were very excited to have DD open them.
In the past, when our kids were much littler and we were thinking of having parties (but never did), we considered asking for donations to our local children's hospital. DD has had surgery there, and I think there is a list online of the things it would be helpful for them to have in their children's playroom. We thought this would give kids the opportunity to choose fun playthings for a kid their own age; it just wouldn't go to DD in the end. We never ended up doing that, though.
In the end, we decided it would be less polite to try to dictate what guests could and could not bring, and unfair to DD not to let her receive the things that her friends were eager to give her, especially since she's taken such joy in choosing gifts to give to her friends on their birthdays.
I just had a no presents required party for my 2 and 5-year-old sons. I had no idea that it would even remotely be thought of as being rude. I wanted to invite family and a couple friends, some of them had to travel 2 hours for the party and don't have much extra money and even a cheap gift would have been a big deal. I simply wanted an excuse to have a family gathering without the pressure of a gift on them. Grandparents and aunts/uncles who were at the party had already given their gifts to the boys, so it was mostly the cousins and friends who I didn't want to make buy a gift. For the most part the request was honored. We were given a small gift card by one cousin, but she gave it to me as she was leaving and didn't make a big deal out of it. These are relatives that I enjoy seeing, but who don't know the boys very well and I know it's tough to buy gifts for their kids when I only see them a couple times a year.
I wasn't meaning to be rude, as I'm certain others who send out these invitations aren't trying to be rude. Some of us are trying to have a nice gathering without extra hassle on the guests. I always honor a no gift invite.
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