Is parenting supposed to be this hard?

[DevaMajka]

I have a 6yo and a 22 mo, both boys. The last few days I've wondered if parenting is really supposed to be this hard, oriIs it our (dp and my) parenting that's made it this hard.

Ds2 sleeps 8-9 hours at night. If we take him up to the bedroom to go to bed at a decent time, it takes him an hour+ to get to sleep. If we don't take him up, he goes to sleep easier, but it could be anytime before midnight. The earlier he goes to bed, the earlier he gets up (though he still gets a little more sleep with an earlier bedtime).

For his naps, he nurses to sleep and I can get up for about 30-60 minutes, but then he needs to be touching me for the rest of his nap.

The rest of the day, it seems like one child or the other *desperately* needs me constantly, or ds2 wants to "help" me with stuff. He doesn't make ANYTHING easy. One example- I made a cake yesterday. I had all the ingredients out and ready so I could be quick, because I know that he wants to lick the beater the instant I turn it on. I made the icing, and the second he heard the mixer, he started screaming for the beater. *screaming* When I got done with the icing, I gave it to him (as I'd already planned to). The rest of the time making the cake and the icing, he was into everything- trying to help mix, trying to get on the counter, wanting another beater. And ds1 wanted to help too, so that added to the chaos (though obviously, he's easier to deal with).

And that pretty much sums up my whole day. Ds2 screams when he doesn't get his way. Screams, bangs his head on the floor, bites, pinches, you name it. He can climb like a monkey, and he's constantly into something. The only time I can sit for more than a few minutes is when he's nursing. Otherwise, if he's not in my sight, I need to constantly check on him.

Then there's ds1, who constantly declares that nobody ever plays with him. I'll admit I need to play with him more, but I definitely spend time with him. Exdp spends LOTS of time with him (we live in the same house), they go on bike rides, play in the yard, play games, build legos, etc. It's hard for me to do a lot of that stuff, because ds2...well, he causes ds1 a lot of stress when he's trying to play something specific, and he messes up games and lego building, etc.

Exdp and I hardly have any time to ourselves, or to spend with each other talking (and we need to talk to each other to have a pleasant roommate/co-parenting relationship).

It's just...totally constant with the kids needing something, whining, screaming, crying, getting into things, doing dangerous things, demanding our time.

As a matter of fact, I hear screaming and I have to go...

[zinemama]

Wow, that sounds rough. Is your 6yo in school? If so, can you hire a sitter a few times a week to stay with the 2yo so you can go out and get break? Hang in there! (Also, have you mentioned the 2yo's headbanging to a pediatrician? That's something I would want to get checked out.)

[Dar]

One was a very, very hard year for me....

[Natalie12]

Yes, some days can be that hard. I've certainly had my fair share.However, I don't think that all days should be that hard.

I'm not sure if you already have one in place, but it sounds like your kids might benefit from a gentle rhythm/structure to your day. I know that my five year old is so much harder on Tuesdays, when she doesn't have her babysitter or preschool. My six year old is in first grade, so he's all set. But even for your 1 year old, you can create structure without school. Like, in the morning we go out, then nap, lunch, quiet activities or something like that.

Also, I know that my kids are very extroverted, and act up when their need for socialization isn't met. If your six year old is always asking for people to play with, maybe try to reach out and invite some kids over to play.

[crunchy_mommy]

I have said that exact same thing on a near-daily basis: "Is parenting supposed to be this hard?" I always feel like there must be something wrong with me or DH or DS or all of us, because our experience of parenthood seems far removed from what others seem to experience. Even on MDC, I read responses & just wonder, Wow do kids really respond to things like that? Because my DS sure wouldn't. I don't know. I know everyone says parenting is hard but really? THIS hard??? So I feel for you. I don't have any answers, just lots of commiseration...

[JamieB]

It sounds like your ds2 is overtired and it is affecting everyone. It would be a lot of hard work but gently helping him to fall asleep and or stay asleep without you could make a huge difference for your family. My ds1 was right around that age when we started helping him to fall asleep on his own. It is possible.

[LadyCatherine185]

*hugs* mama. We have had a tough time adjusting to two (boys, as well) children also. DS1 is 2.75 yo and DS2 is 6 months old. For the first 5 months I felt like I was drowning. Everyday was a struggle.. every minute of everyday was a struggle.

So I talked with a friend of mine who is pregnant with her 6th, who is AP and also a Christian, and has been somewhat of a mentor to me. I admire her so much, she is such a good mom, and her kids are very sweet, and actually listen to her. She also homeschools them. Her advice to me--- Keep a consistent schedule/routine. and consistent discipline (whether it is timeout, time-in, loss of toy/priveledge, etc)... After 3 days of instituting these things we saw a difference.. after a week it was like night and day. I no longer felt like I was drowning, but like I was managing the house well and having FUN with my kids.

Our routine looks something like this--

7:00- DH leaves for work and we are all making our way out of bed (DS1 is usually up at 6 with DH)

7-8- breakfast, tv for DS1

8-9- DS2 takes first nap, DS1 has some quiet play (drawing, playing with toys, playdoh, etc)

9-11- we go OUTSIDE or to the park/playground or a playdate.. something that gets us out of the house

11:30- Lunch

12:00- quiet time for DS1 (he usually falls asleep in his room around 12:30) and second nap for DS2

2:00- quiet/nap time over, we head back outside

4:00- come in for showers/cleaning up toys/getting ready for dinner, etc (i let DS1 watch tv while I get dinner ready as well)

5:00- DS2 has his 3rd nap

6:00- DH is home, we eat dinner

and our evenings are usually different each day, but typically DS2 is in bed between 9-10 (he too does not need much sleep.. 9-10 hours per day) and we try and have things quiet from about 8 pm on....

It was tough the first few days trying something "new" but I saw such quick results with it and have had so much more time to have fun with the boys, and even TIME TO MYSELF during quiet/naptime. Some kids really thrive with routines, and I have found that mine REALLY do. I could go into more detail but like i said, difference of night and day in the both of them.

and staying consistent with discipline (we use timeout) has made a HUGE improvement with DS1. He previously did NOT listen, was into everything, would run away from me into the street, very destructive, etc etc... now of course he is not a perfect angel or anything, but he DOES listen soooo much better now that he knows the boundaries, and knows that there are consequences.

a book that also really helped me was "sleepless in america." it has great ideas for structuring your day to help maximize sleep!

[LadyCatherine185]

so sorry you are still having a rough time mama! (**hugs**)

you probably have, but have you read The Happiest Toddler on the Block?

 

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I have said that exact same thing on a near-daily basis: "Is parenting supposed to be this hard?" I always feel like there must be something wrong with me or DH or DS or all of us, because our experience of parenthood seems far removed from what others seem to experience. Even on MDC, I read responses & just wonder, Wow do kids really respond to things like that? Because my DS sure wouldn't. I don't know. I know everyone says parenting is hard but really? THIS hard??? So I feel for you. I don't have any answers, just lots of commiseration...

[D_McG]

Originally Posted by LadyCatherine185 

*hugs* mama. We have had a tough time adjusting to two (boys, as well) children also. DS1 is 2.75 yo and DS2 is 6 months old. For the first 5 months I felt like I was drowning. Everyday was a struggle.. every minute of everyday was a struggle.

So I talked with a friend of mine who is pregnant with her 6th, who is AP and also a Christian, and has been somewhat of a mentor to me. I admire her so much, she is such a good mom, and her kids are very sweet, and actually listen to her. She also homeschools them. Her advice to me--- Keep a consistent schedule/routine. and consistent discipline (whether it is timeout, time-in, loss of toy/priveledge, etc)... After 3 days of instituting these things we saw a difference.. after a week it was like night and day. I no longer felt like I was drowning, but like I was managing the house well and having FUN with my kids.

Our routine looks something like this--

7:00- DH leaves for work and we are all making our way out of bed (DS1 is usually up at 6 with DH)

7-8- breakfast, tv for DS1

8-9- DS2 takes first nap, DS1 has some quiet play (drawing, playing with toys, playdoh, etc)

9-11- we go OUTSIDE or to the park/playground or a playdate.. something that gets us out of the house

11:30- Lunch

12:00- quiet time for DS1 (he usually falls asleep in his room around 12:30) and second nap for DS2

2:00- quiet/nap time over, we head back outside

4:00- come in for showers/cleaning up toys/getting ready for dinner, etc (i let DS1 watch tv while I get dinner ready as well)

5:00- DS2 has his 3rd nap

6:00- DH is home, we eat dinner

and our evenings are usually different each day, but typically DS2 is in bed between 9-10 (he too does not need much sleep.. 9-10 hours per day) and we try and have things quiet from about 8 pm on....

It was tough the first few days trying something "new" but I saw such quick results with it and have had so much more time to have fun with the boys, and even TIME TO MYSELF during quiet/naptime. Some kids really thrive with routines, and I have found that mine REALLY do. I could go into more detail but like i said, difference of night and day in the both of them.

and staying consistent with discipline (we use timeout) has made a HUGE improvement with DS1. He previously did NOT listen, was into everything, would run away from me into the street, very destructive, etc etc... now of course he is not a perfect angel or anything, but he DOES listen soooo much better now that he knows the boundaries, and knows that there are consequences.

a book that also really helped me was "sleepless in america." it has great ideas for structuring your day to help maximize sleep!

I think this is all fantastic advice.  I have totally fallen off the scheduling wagon (I have a 10 day old and the end of my pregnancy was awful) but we were all super-happy when we had a tight schedule, tight rules and 1.5 hours at the gym for me every day :) (gym childcare for them).  

Go with the flow does NOT work for my kids and if I'm honest, it doesn't work for me either.  I am inherently lazy and without a tight structure I kind of fall apart.
 

I really noticed too when I went to talk to my son's preschool teacher about his K readiness.  I said that I was worried that he was a bit anxious.  She said she never sees anxiety in him :(  And of course she doesn't.  Because their day is smooth, predictable.  I don't see it in him either when I keep our days like that!

[pianojazzgirl]

It sounds like sleep issues with your ds2 might be a major culprit.  I noticed that you mentioned "naps" (plural).  I wonder if you were able to transition him to one nap a day if that wouldn't solve some of your sleep issues.  I imagine he'd be tired earlier, which would mean an earlier bedtime.  And without the 2nd nap during the day he'd most likely adjust to sleeping longer at night (be prepared for a couple/few weeks to make that adjustment though).  I'd also make sure that the room in which  he's sleeping is kept really dark - I find that makes a huge difference with my kids in terms of waking up too early in the morning.

Another idea: will he nap in a stroller?  At that age sometimes my biggest sanity saver was to have ds take his nap in his stroller and dd and I could go for a walk/go to the park.  Along those lines, when ds was the same age as your ds2, I found that leaving the house with the 2 of them was often easier than managing them at home.  When your littlest is still a toddler it can be so hard for him to play in a way that doesn't annoy the older sib.  But if you take them somewhere like the park they can both do their thing (and even play together at something like kicking a ball around or playing chase), and usually everyone stays in a better mood.  Same with playdates at a friend's house.  If you have any friends with kids of a similar age it can be a great way for your older dc to play with a friend while your younger dc is occupied with his playmate/fun "new" toys.

Good luck mama.  It does get better - I promise!

[LadyCatherine185]

I also wanted to add-- DS1 had dropped his nap around his 2nd birthday, and has always needed a LOT of help in the sleep department. but since we started this new schedule a month ago, he has been taking naps ON HIS OWN. He goes in his room (where all of his toys are, light on, door open (baby gate) etc) and usually plays for 30 minutes and then climbs into bed on his own and goes to sleep. He is up later in the evenings (between 9-10 whereas when he didn't nap he was in bed around 7) but everything runs a lot smoother when he has that nap/ and he has actually been STTN a few nights a week now that he is napping

[DevaMajka]

I have to be quick- my computer time won't last long. I appreciate all the responses! I think a schedule/routine is the way to go, but that's going to be a HARD step for me. I hate routines (but will certainly do it if it's best for the kids).

It's made harder by the fact that I had major abdominal surgery a month ago, and I'm still not supposed to pick ds2 up. That means I can't take him anywhere (because he it is NOT easy to get him back home, no matter how long we stay). And if I take him in the back yard, I have to do it when I have a couple hours to wait for him to come inside.

The days that we've had friends over to play with him, he was WAY WAY easier to deal with the rest of the day. He's such a busy active little guy. He's not a bad kid. He's just busy. And he knows what he wants, and he hates not getting his way.

 

Originally Posted by zinemama 

Wow, that sounds rough. Is your 6yo in school? If so, can you hire a sitter a few times a week to stay with the 2yo so you can go out and get break? Hang in there! (Also, have you mentioned the 2yo's headbanging to a pediatrician? That's something I would want to get checked out.)

Ds1 is in school, yes. And he has a friend that lives down the street that he plays with almost every day. He's a really  really social kid, so when he has to go an hour without someone to play with, he feels like "no one ever plays with me."

 

With the headbanging, he used to headbang when he was younger, then stopped for a long time. He just started again a couple of weeks ago, right after my surgery. We've suspected food sensitivities for a long time, for various reasons. So it could be that his sleep is even worse than normal, which makes it even harder for him to cope with things. Or it could be my having surgery and the changes that means for the house. OR it could be food (because after my surgery, we've taken to eating everything again, and more junk than we should).

 

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy 

I have said that exact same thing on a near-daily basis: "Is parenting supposed to be this hard?" I always feel like there must be something wrong with me or DH or DS or all of us, because our experience of parenthood seems far removed from what others seem to experience. Even on MDC, I read responses & just wonder, Wow do kids really respond to things like that? Because my DS sure wouldn't. I don't know. I know everyone says parenting is hard but really? THIS hard??? So I feel for you. I don't have any answers, just lots of commiseration...

Thanks for the commisseration {{{hug}}}

Ds1 was one of those kids that was so easy to discipline. It wasn't too hard to get him to listen. He's still pretty good in that sense (as far as following rules), but he whines and complains and argues with me. And bedtime is total chaos.

 

Originally Posted by pianojazzgirl 

It sounds like sleep issues with your ds2 might be a major culprit.  I noticed that you mentioned "naps" (plural).  I wonder if you were able to transition him to one nap a day if that wouldn't solve some of your sleep issues.  I imagine he'd be tired earlier, which would mean an earlier bedtime.  And without the 2nd nap during the day he'd most likely adjust to sleeping longer at night (be prepared for a couple/few weeks to make that adjustment though).  I'd also make sure that the room in which  he's sleeping is kept really dark - I find that makes a huge difference with my kids in terms of waking up too early in the morning.

Another idea: will he nap in a stroller?  At that age sometimes my biggest sanity saver was to have ds take his nap in his stroller and dd and I could go for a walk/go to the park.  Along those lines, when ds was the same age as your ds2, I found that leaving the house with the 2 of them was often easier than managing them at home.  When your littlest is still a toddler it can be so hard for him to play in a way that doesn't annoy the older sib.  But if you take them somewhere like the park they can both do their thing (and even play together at something like kicking a ball around or playing chase), and usually everyone stays in a better mood.  Same with playdates at a friend's house.  If you have any friends with kids of a similar age it can be a great way for your older dc to play with a friend while your younger dc is occupied with his playmate/fun "new" toys.

Good luck mama.  It does get better - I promise!

He has only one nap a day. :)

I wanted to respond to more of your post, but I'm needed elsewhere. lol

 

[dawncayden]

How active is he everyday? Like walking/running outside, climbing on structures, play wrestling with family, biking etc? I notice when my boys aren't active enough they don't fall asleep to easily nor do they need as much sleep. I find everyday I'm just trying to tire them out LOL, that way when naptime rolls around, or night time, they hit the pillow and are fast asleep.

With disapline, I am finding I'm doing things differently with my second. I NEVER did time outs with ds1. But he also didn't get up to things like this at such a young age. Ds2 doesn't understand when I'm explaining things to him and then does things to test me. (hitting and throwing hard objects mostly) when he does this he gets a 2 minute time out. It seems to be helping. But I never would have thought I'd be using time outs. I can't feel guilty about it though. And it's better then what was happening, where he'd throw something heavy at brother, hurt brother, I'm trying to console brother and then trying to explain that we only throw balls...and he'd be trying to pick up hard objects to throw...then I'd start to yell out of worry...anyways...you get the picture.

We have structure to our day, even though it's not like a 'normal' schedule (when people are out of the house by 8:30 or whatever.

I try to be out of the house by 10am, we go to the library, to the park, visiting a friend, swimming, a class, a drop in, somewhere special like Science World or the minature train. If we will be out past noon, then I pack a lunch and aim to have ds2 sleep in the stroller around 1pm. Otherwise we are back home by noon and ds2 naps at home by 1pm. We do crafts, play outside in the yard, maybe go to the store if things are needed. At 3pm I take something out for dinner if I haven't already. I start cooking at 5pm, we eat at 6pm. We play until 7:30, then I start bedtime routine. I try to have lights out by 9pm. Sometimes it's later, sometimes earlier. I go to bed myself around 11:30. Then the boys are up at 7:30am. ...and it all starts again, lol.

For cooking/baking...I always anticipate that I'm going to get 'helpers'. I know there are certain sounds that they will hear me do that perk their ears to what I'm up to (eggs cracking, stirring something etc.) If I really don't want help, I fill up the sink with a couple inches of water and put some plastic cups in. Add bubbles sometimes for extra fun. Or I'll bring out playdough and give them some actual baking utensils to use with the playdough. Sometimes ds2 just wants to see but also wants up, so I use the Ergo for that.

D

[tashamorris]

well..that's really a part of being a mother.. :)

[Super~Single~Mama]

I wouldn't worry about the head banging too much, unless there were other worrisome things going on.  My ds did that for a LONG time, but has recently stopped (he's 27mo).

[Snapdragon]

what about getting one of those learning tower things for ds2? I know they are expensive and honestly I have never even seen one, just read reviews online- but for a toddler who wants to be with you and helping, it seems like a good idea- a way to have him be involved while being safe. Just something that popped into my head when I read your post about him wanting to "help" with the cake. sorry it is so hard- parenting is really hard! sorry I don't have more advice I am a total newbie at it myself

[_ktg_]

I wanted to just say like crunchy mama, I ask myself this question almost on a daily basis. 

I have 2 boys too (5 and almost 2.5 y.o) and it feels like we go from one struggle and issue right into another, day after day, hour after hour.  As for the headbanging - mine just throws himself flat out onto the floor (it is so painful to watch!) when he does not get his way, or screaming/screeching  at the top of his lungs.

One thing I have in mind is the fact that my parenting style is very different from DH's, and I wonder if that is creating a conflict of expectations for the kiddos hence some of the explosive mornings, evenings and afternoons we have as I know it is creating tension between DH & myself already.

[reezley]

I have two boys, 4yo and 6yo.  Things were wayyyyy harder when the younger one was a toddler. Crazy times!  So my short answer is, yeah, parenting two active guys, including a 1- or 2 year old, is supposed to be that hard.

But my other answer is I've been able to give myself a bit of an attitude shift over the years.  Changing over from "baby" mentality to "kid" mentality... going from keeping a baby or younger toddler happy and getting whatever he "needed" right away, to recognizing that they now should have more capacity to wait for things, or deal with the answer no (put in a gentle understanding way if possible of course...).  It's more of a confidence I have, to decide what *I*, as the mom, wants and needs, and actually factor that in. So if I need to get these cookies done, I won't be fazed when a kid is whining for me to hurry up or want tastes of this and that right away-  instead I'm going to calmly (well, best I can) tell them I will finish measuring the brown sugar or whatever, and they will wait patiently until then, then afterward I can give them a taste.   Or for instance, if I haven't eaten my lunch yet and I just got them their food and I sit down to eat too, then I won't pop right up again to refill their plate that second.  In a way I deal with more disappointments, and more whining maybe at first, but I'm also lately insisting that I hear a regular voice ask the question, instead of a whine.    All in all, it takes some stress off of ME to keep my cool and calmly insist on these little things.   At least I try to keep the cool... often I'm successful at it.

At 22mo  it may still be too young to expect ALL that much, especially if he's not getting enough sleep, but it may be old enough to insist on his not ruining the cake-making by getting into stuff.  You could stop making it and put ingredients and bowls aside and say you can't/won't make the cake if he's touching everything, and you'll try again in a few minutes.  So in a way, raise your expectations, or maybe more accurately your standards of behavior, but then don't expect too much.    :\

[Storm Bride]

Becky...I haven't read the whole thread (and I just remembered that I have a PM from you that I never answered! Will do that later today), but with respect to "is parenting supposed to be this hard?"...

That question can't be answered. Parenting is about meeting the needs of the children, and of the parents. How easy or difficult that's going to be is going to depend on many variables:

1) What are the needs of the children? Are we talking about a child (or children) who takes a lot of naps, or one who almost never sleeps? Are we talking about a child who can play on his/her own, or with a sibling, reasonably contentedly for extended periods of time, or a child who needs more entertaining? Are we talking about a clingy child who wants to be held constantly, or one who's happy to run around on their own? A child who takes guidance and correction easily, or one who has a meltdown over being thwarted? A child who is awake half the night, or one who sleeps well? A child with any special needs, or not? Etc. etc. etc.

2) What are the needs of the parent(s)? Do the parents need lots of time to connect sexually (realize this doesn't really apply to you right now), or are they okay with less frequent sex? Do the parents, or one of them, need lots of face time with other adults? Do they, or one of them, need lots of peace, quiet and down time? Are there any special circumstances (eg. your surgical recovery!)? Are the parents, or one of them, dealing with lots of non-parenting related stress right now? Etc. etc. etc.

3) How many children? An only child can present specific challenges (creating social opportunites, no other kids around to play with automatically, etc.). More than one child can present other challenges (balancing activities, interests, different developmental stages, etc.). Each additional child adds one more whole person, with all the attendant complexities of a human personality, to the mix.

4) What's the overall situation? Are finances okay? Is there enough space for everybody? What kind of outside support do the parents have? Etc. etc. etc.

I guess I'm basically saying that parenting isn't supposed to be easy or hard, imo and ime. It's supposed to be easy and hard and stressful and fulfilling and frustrating and...everything, all at once. There are just too many factors involved in each person's situation to say that it's "supposed" to be one way or another, yk?

In my case, ds1 being an almost adult makes it easier in many ways. DH and I having a strong marriage, and dh being willing to do whatever needs to be done at home when he's here makes it easier. My own emotional and health issues make it harder. DS2's developmental issues make it harder. DD2 being the worst sleeper of the bunch, and having an insanely penetrating shriek make is harder. Homeschooling makes it harder and easier. It's all a jumble....just like life, now that I think about it....

[becoming]

One thing stood out to me from your follow-up post. You said you can't take DS2 in the backyard without waiting a couple of hours for him to come back in. It REALLY sounds to me like he could benefit from some boundaries. There's no reason a little one should be holding you hostage in your yard for 2 hours just because he doesn't want to come in. Being a mom & making life pleasant for the whole family involves setting limits. It's great to let little ones' make decisions for themselves *within reason*, but when it's affecting the family in a huge way like this (not even being able to go outside for a few minutes), it comes down to mom being the mom & deciding what's best for everyone. Same with the cake making. He doesn't have to help with everything/make giant messes just because he wants to. You can set boundaries on what he is/isn't allowed to do. Give him a certain job or two, and the rest is yours to do. He'll pitch a fit the first few times, but then he'll learn that he can't be in control of every situation. Just as we, as parents, shouldn't be total dictators, we also shouldn't let our kids be. Neither of these dynamics is healthy. Just my opinion. I hope things get easier for you guys, it sounds miserable.