Hi, I'm New Here! Intro and Advice Seeking

[CrunchyMomToBe]

Not only am I new to the Mothering Community, I am also new to the Single Parenting club... Well, kind of... You see, I'm pregnant. 

I was with FOB as my midwife calls him (Father of Baby), and because I'm not in with the lingo yet, that's what I'm using. Anyway, I was with FOB for about a year and things were fantastic. Then one day my pee magically created double pink lines on every stick it came into contact with, and FOB immediately turned into something less fantastic.

We ended up splitting up a whole 6 months later (he kicked me out of the house at 1am), I couch surfed for a couple weeks, and now I live with my parents. Which is great, because I am having a home birth! While the birth part in inevitable, the home part was the difficult one to figure out. 

So that all happened, I thought he was out of the picture and didn't care. Now all of a sudden he wants to come to my next midwife appointment?? I moved away exactly a month ago, and NOW he wants to get involved?

I am having a really hard time balancing wanting to cause him pain and suffering, and allowing him to try to be a part of our child's life. One of the main reasons I left him is because he hardly acknowledged the fact that I'm pregnant, to the point of being mean to me and name calling. (seriously, he called me lazy all the time and I was working 60 hours a week). I left because I didn't want our child to be born into a crappy relationship, and I was terrified that FOB's attitude of ignorance would carry onto fatherhood.

I still have the same concerns. I am still worried that he won't be involved enough.  Is his effort worth looking into? I don't want to get my hopes up. I am also scared of the amounts of stress that I have already had while being pregnant, and the amount of stress he brings on.

I know my legal rights in my area (my dad is a lawyer) but I don't know how to handle this situation emotionally. Any advice or resources?

Thanks for listening!

[enjoythesilence]

I would not let him be involved.  If he cared little enough about you and your unborn child to kick you out while pregnant, and treat you so poorly in general, he will NOT get better once the baby is born.  I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I wish that I had gotten out sooner, and not kept my head buried in the sand for years in an abusive relationship. 

  That is really good that your father is a lawyer, so you have that base covered. And I think you are spot on about the stress. Don't let it into your life, or that of your baby.  My advice is to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, as stress-free as possible.  Take good care of yourself.  Let this be a special time, and not one full of wondering and worrying and questioning whether the father of the baby will shape up.  I wish you all the best!

[MissLotus]

I wouldn't let him come to any appointments.  It doesn't matter to the baby whether he's there at those appointments, and it would cause you stress... so there is no up-side. 

And you're right - a man that acts that way at a vulnerable time for a woman will act that way ANY time.  He showed you what he really is. Be glad you got out when you did!

[kryztuh]

I would not invite him to attend your appointments. My soon to be ex STBX left when I was 5 months pregnant with our second.  He also called me lazy when I was pregnant, with the flu, because I wouldn't get up and change poopy diapers, etc, and I was working full time and caring for the toddler when at home.  He also insisted partway through that he wanted to be at MW appointments for my homebirth (that he disagreed with), that I was refusing to let him be a part of the unborn childs life by not finding out the gender, and that he was entitled to my medical records (really!).  I refused to let him attend any appointments after he left, especially since he didn't want me to have a homebirth.

I compromised at the end by texting him when I was close to pushing, on the condition that he stand in a corner and not say anything or cause any drama unless I specifically requested him.  It all turned out fine.  But he caused me so much stress during the pregnancy, and I can never get that time back and it makes me sad that it wasn't very joyful.

My suggestion is to set up firm boundaries now.  You will definately need them in place after the baby is born.  Good luck to you, it is such a hard place to be in.  I'm glad it sounds like you have a good family for support.

[tccandlsccmom]

Do you know WHY he wants to come?  Are you talking?  I ask for two reasons, one legal, one emotional.  First, if there is a potential that he wants to be very involved (and may sue for it later) then excluding him outright now could be bad for you later...he is, after all, the father.  He could show a court that you are not willing to provide him a proper parenting role and it could get ugly.  Second, how your ex treats you may not be a perfect indicator of how he would parent.  So perhaps exploring more about what is going on is worth it?

[enjoythesilence]

Originally Posted by tccandlsccmom 

Do you know WHY he wants to come?  Are you talking?  I ask for two reasons, one legal, one emotional.  First, if there is a potential that he wants to be very involved (and may sue for it later) then excluding him outright now could be bad for you later...he is, after all, the father.  He could show a court that you are not willing to provide him a proper parenting role and it could get ugly.  Second, how your ex treats you may not be a perfect indicator of how he would parent.  So perhaps exploring more about what is going on is worth it?

I can't say what the legal ramifications of not letting him attend the prenatal appointments would be.  That may be something the OP can get her father to find out for her, as he is a lawyer. 

   As to the second point, that he may parent better than he treats the OP, I will have to respectfully disagree.  I think that how he treats the mother of his unborn child, and therefore, his child, IS a good indicator of how he will parent.  If he really cared about that baby, he would have done everything possible to take care of the mother while she is carrying and nourishing his unborn child.  He would make sure that she had a stable place to live, not kick her out on her butt in the middle of her pregnancy with HIS child. 
 

[CrunchyMomToBe]

Thank you for all of the great advice!

I have no idea why he wants to come to the appointment, honestly. I have been trying to figure that one out for a while. I actually contacted my midwife about it and she said that because I am having a home visit (my mom and both my grandma's come to every single one) I will have a ton of support and I should try to give him a chance. I can always say no to the next appointment. My mom also said she thought it was a good idea, because mostly she wants to have a sit-down with him. I feel like I need to give him one last shot, for the sake of our child. Our relationship will never be rekindled, I know that. But I feel like I should give him a chance to be involved to see if it finally got through to his brain that yes, indeed he is actually going to be a dad. I wasn't just weepy, hungry, tired, and ballooning for no reason. This is also why it took me so long to leave him. I always felt like I had to give it one more shot for the sake of baby. 

It's still a big stress to me, I have been trying to sluff it off. I mean, the best thing for my child is to have a father that is involved and cares. And if that is who he is turning into, I feel like I should give it a shot. 

And here is where the BUTs come in.

But, I have SERIOUS doubts that he is actually turning into a great father, based on how he treated me.

But, he is still not allowed at the birth.

But, he cannot stay at my house (he has to travel 3 hours to my new location)

But, if he acts anything like he did before, he will be kicked out.

But, I'm not going to pretend everything is ok because he now wants to "be involved"

But, he has to have a conversation with my mother about his actions.

But, I am still hurt, sad, and mad as hell.

But, I still know that I made the right decision in leaving him.

So we will see how it goes. If worst comes to worst, he will be sent away and not be welcome here.

The worst part about it is that because I have been away from the situation, I have been able to fully indulge in my pregnancy and child. I have been nesting like crazy, happy and calm and relaxed, and I get to talk about baby ALL THE TIME. But now that I know I am going to see him soon, my brain wants me to remember how awful he treated me and I am remembering hurtful things that he had said or done.

Does it ever end? I know eventually we are going to have to see each other and put up with each other for the sake of our child (unless he doesn't want to be involved at all). Will it always be like this? Will I always dread having to deal with him? Can't he just go away forever and leave us alone?

[tccandlsccmom]

Great, healthy list of "buts" -- you are already on your way to terrific mothering!  If (when) you see him, just breathe, know that today is today, and all wil be well.  Unless he loses interest, it may not end.  But it will change and get easier.....somehow.....

[hillymum]

I would let him attend the appointment. No matter what your relationship he is the father of your child and how ever he bahaves towards you, you need to decide how you are going to behave towards him and act on it. Thats really easy for me to say, and I know that full well. You can control how you react to him and after a while (ok, maybe years) he might start behaving the same way towards you.

[MissLotus]

Updating him on the baby's progress, yes, if you're comfortable with that.  That is something that as an involved father (if that's what he turns out to be) he needs to know.  But if by letting him go to the appointment, you think it will open the door to him expecting to be at the birth (in case you may not be comfortable with that), I would not let him come.   You would not believe how many of these men, who've not been supportive and in fact hurtful during pregnancy, feel entitled to be at the birth.  Which may be interesting to him, but does NOT help the mother in those situations and certainly does not help the baby.  You do not need someone who won't be supportive at the appointments and especially not at the birth.  For those you need to be as relaxed as possible.  And how good of a father he'll be has nothing to do with these appointments - he and the baby will not be spending time together at these appointments!  For now, you can still put your own needs first.

[Super~Single~Mama]

There won't be any legal ramifications for not allowing him to attend the appointments.  Even if you were together, he would not have the right to attend dr appointments with you - based solely on your privacy rights as an individual.