Yes Ma'am, No Sir, Yeah, Whatever - Are you raising polite children?

[Mothering]

Do you believe "sir" and ma'am" shows respect and should be used by children when they speak to adults? Do you require your children to say "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me"? Is "yeah" and "whatever" acceptable? What about calling adults by their first name? Oh - how about table manners?

One of the biggest complaints of older adults today is the decline of manners and respect for elders in children, young and older. Have we loosened up on teaching etiquette to our children? Or has etiquette changed with the times to a point that we have tossed aside much of what we grew up with and feel it is no longer necessary?

What do you expect from your children? What does "polite" and "well- mannered" mean to you?

[peainthepod]

We insist on please, thank you, and you're welcome. We also have our little guy (2.5 years) say he "doesn't care" for something instead of "doesn't like" it.

I'm from a Southern background so we'll probably start having him call people Sir and M'am here soon. And we have him call adults by Mr. and Miss/Mrs. Lastname as applicable, although most of our adult friends insist that he call them by their first name.

Manners are very important in our family and I intend to raise polite children who are respectful of others. What we don't insist on is total deference to elders/authority. It's vital that they know that not every adult should be obeyed under every circumstance! 

[konayossie]

Of course we are teaching good manners "please, thank you, excuse me, etc." Really, does any conscientious parent NOT do this?

But I was not raised to say "ma'am" and "sir" and don't intend to raise my children to do so. My mom is from the south and my grandparents thought it was so rude that my siblings and I didn't use ma'm/sir and call all adults by Mr./Mrs/Ms. etc. In my state, though, it was perfectly normal/acceptable to call adults by first names unless they were "authority figures" like teachers. The child who used honorifics at all times was definitely the oddball around here. Some "manners" are entirely a matter of region.

[MaerynPearl]

You would be surprised at the parents who think it's inappropriate to teach your children manners because its "forcing them to say something they may not mean"

Originally Posted by konayossie 

Of course we are teaching good manners "please, thank you, excuse me, etc." Really, does any conscientious parent NOT do this?

[konayossie]

I actually didn't know that is the thinking in some circles. Interesting. I totally understand about not forcing hugs, kisses, etc, but not sure good manners quite falls into the same category to me...
 

Originally Posted by MaerynPearl 

You would be surprised at the parents who think it's inappropriate to teach your children manners because its "forcing them to say something they may not mean"

[aHikaru]

i'm not really teaching AE manners, considering she is only 2yrs 3 months. But i believe i lead by example because she already says, "pweez", "tank you" and my favorite, "squeeze me", which comes after she burps or something is in her way, including a table or toy.

[aHikaru]

Originally Posted by konayossie 

I actually didn't know that is the thinking in some circles. Interesting. I totally understand about not forcing hugs, kisses, etc, but not sure good manners quite falls into the same category to me...
 

no hugs or kisses? AE is a big love bug and always has to kiss/hug everyone goodbye.

[MusicianDad]

We teach manners. We also teach that words do not equal manners. You can say "please" or "thank you" all you want, but if you're being rude, you're being rude. I'd rather hear a polite "can you do x for me?" than a rude "do x now please". "Sir" and "ma'am" is just useless drivel IMO.

[carlymom]

My daughter is learning to say please, thank you, excuse me, etc.  I also encourage apologies.  However, I grew up calling my parents' friends by their first names and my daughter does the same.  I never used "sir" or "ma'am," either, so neither will she.  Doing otherwise would feel weird to me. 

[surrogate]

My kids say yes ma'am, no sir, please, thank you, etc.  I cannot stand when other children do not do this.  Even my daycare kids are taught manners and the parents know this up front.  If you child is around me, they will use manners.

[konayossie]

I was talking about not forcing your child to hug/kiss/show other affection to people if s/he doesn't want to. I fully support not doing so as I certainly would not enjoy being forced to hug/kiss people when I don't want to (that's not to say DS doesn't hug/kiss people he knows and likes). However, I do try to use good manners even if I don't feel like it, so I expect DS to do the same...
 

Originally Posted by cassandraz no hugs or kisses? AE is a big love bug and always has to kiss/hug everyone goodbye.

[umsami]

We insist on please and thank you.  Having lived in the South, "yes sir" and "yes ma'am" was considered polite for adults, but we never had our kids refer

to us that way (although I do know people who have their kids say, "yes, sir" to the father... pretty normal in the South).  As for Mr/Mrs, a lot of times people

will say Miss Susan or Mr. Robert in the South--and that's considered respectful.  Now that we're in the North, it's Mr. or Mrs. Lastname.

[CarrieMF]

We've taught them to say please, thank you, excuse me.  We do not use sir or ma'am, nobody here does & if they call me Ma'am I correct them.

They use first names of adults except teachers & dr's.  

I work in a middle school & the kids usually say Mrs. Hirtle, but I get variations of just plain Hirtle, Herds, Turtle & as long as they aren't being rude I will answer to it.  Many of the teachers go by just their last names from the students and staff.

[emmaljunga]

we don't force manors here.. we believe that children can learn by example and don't need to be forced.. it's surprising how many adults don't use manors though..yet expect children to do so..  this makes it harder for a chid to learn by example.. I too would prefer a polite can you do such and such for me  - than a rude do it now please..   we're from Europe so do not use sir or ma'am - we say yes please or no thank you not yes sir or no ma'am..  

Our daughter attends Waldorf and the teachers are on a first name basis.. children are not forced to use their manors either.. but speak in a polite gentle voice..  when we first started attending a playgroup at our local waldorf school we were handed out articles about not forcing children to say please and thank you.. It was a great read. 

[psconlon]

I've lived in a few states and it seems that the use of Ma'am and Sir is more a regional thing.  Here in the northeast no one says it so we're not teaching our son so say it.   One thing I am using with him that isn't common in our region, is the use of Mr. or Ms. So-and-So.  Even if it's used with a first name I feel it's a sign of respect.  It also helps us differentiate between adults and kids with the same first name.

Manners are definitely taught by example in our house.  At 2.5 the kid seems to be catching on and says his thank yous and even "I'm sorry" without encouragement.  (I even got a thank you for dinner tonight!)  We don't force the use of certain words.  I believe the use of kind speech is more important than saying please.  The use of manners really is a two way street.  If we're frustrated and not being polite to our kids, they mirror that behavior, so I feel it's important to lead by example.

[ma_Donna]

Absolutely for please, thank you, excuse me, I'm sorry, I don't care for (instead of I don't like), etc. It's mostly by modeling and if they make a rude demand for me to do something they need to rephrase it politley (and not just by sticking please on the end). We mostly do it with modeling, reminders, requests (When you ask for a cookie, please say please).

However, I think some parents go past polite to rude with their insistance on children. Although they're ostensibly trying to teach manners they can go too far in demanding a behavior of their child - and any truly polite child will tell you that demanding something from someone isn't polite!

[Okapi]

We do please/ thank you/ apologies, though I don't force it, I remind DD (3.5) of the polite thing & I'd say 95% of the time, she does it. Other times she feels like she can't say the words, so will offer a hug or high five instead, which at this age is fine w/ me (will likely change as she gets older).

However, I don't care for sir/ma'am. I HATE being called ma'am. You might as well call me an old bat and ask me if I need help getting to my walker. DH feels otherwise, though, and I've told him that I'd prefer not to hear my own kid call me that, but if he wants to include it in his relationship with her, that's up to him.

[SpiderMum]

We insist upon nothing. However, my daughter is ridiculously polite because WE are polite to her and around her. To her, saying please, thank you, no thank you, excuse me, I'm sorry, etc. are normal and natural things to say in context because she has always heard people speaking that way.

[Gemini Mama]

My daughter is almost 2.5yrs, and we do teach "please", "thank you", "sorry", "you're welcome" and "No thank you". Sure, sometimes her "please" is more of a "give me_____" (whatever we have that she wants) but she knows the acceptable  way in which to ask for something and the terms in which she will be given something. We rarely have to remind her of it at this point, because she hears it from both her parents as well as her daycare teacher.

Most adults she currently comes into contact with now already have titles like "grandma" or "Uncle___" or "Aunt ___" but we do plan to have her address adults with respect by adding a Ms. or Mr. to the person's first name, with exception to her teacher or doctor. I too, have a southern upbringing and this is how I was taught to address my friends' parents and other adults.

[Spring Lily]

Originally Posted by surrogate 

My kids say yes ma'am, no sir, please, thank you, etc.  I cannot stand when other children do not do this.

Goodness! I hope you never come to my state, you'll be terribly judgmental of our culture. Children here are not expected to say sir or ma'am and it's normal to call adults by their first name.

A big part of being polite to others is having empathy towards them. I do teach please and thank you, but fostering a sense of empathy is more important in the long run.