Verbal and physical abuse among tweens

[ReadingMama]

I've got a difficult situation to deal with.  My closest friend and I met in childbirth classes 12 years ago.  Our kids are just a few days a part.  Her daughter has had a crush on my son since they were 5 (they're 11 now).  When they were younger, it was cute and funny.  But it's not anymore.  And despite numerous conversations with her that my son is not her boyfriend, she still gets pissed off if he does something she deems less than boyfriend-like.

She has ADHD and is at the mild end of the autism spectrum.  Sometimes when she gets mad at something my son does or doesn't do, she gets verbally abusive.  Or she'll scream cuss words at him.  She's gotten violent with him 3 or 4 times in the past year.  Once it was slapping, once it was kicking, once it was punching, and last week, it got serious. 

They were playing with Nerf and homemade foam/PVC pipe swords in the front yard of my friend's house.  We were inside chatting.  My friend's daughter came in looking tearfully angry and locked the doors behind her.   She said my son was being a jerk.  I told her to unlock the door so I could get his side of the story.  When he came in, his right cheek was bright red and there was an abrasion the size of a quarter with a lump and bruise already forming.  

The story we got is that he'd been trash talking while they were playing, saying things like that her friend (who was there) was better at playing swords than she is.  She felt insulted and jealous.  As they were playing, he tapped her leg with his Nerf sword and she went ballistic.  She called him a SOB and hit him as hard as she could in the chest, on the face, and then threw the sword at him before running inside and locking the doors.

There were no marks on her from his sword.  She showed us where his sword hit her leg.  It wasn't even pink.  

She was still out of control when she came into the house.  She was screaming at my son to SHUT UP!!!!!! when he was telling his side of the story.  She slammed out of the house and when she came in, she glared at my son and I.

We went home (we live on the same street...) and told my husband what had happened. It was the last straw for him.  We agreed that our son can't play with my friend's daughter anymore.  I told my friend this and she took it well.

I don't know how to help my son deal with this situation.  We live in the same neighborhood.  The kids all play at the same park and on the same street.  I just don't trust this girl anymore.  She's 40 pounds heavier and at least 4 inches taller than my son, and she's already proven that she is capable of violence. 

Advice?

[mtiger]

While her reaction was out of line, have you talked to your son about his trash-talking a friend? That's pretty hurtful behavior, too.

[Irishmommy]

How is saying the other kid was a better player trash talking? Granted, depends on the tone, but I fail to see it as trash talking.

[daisymama12]

What does your DS say about the situation? 

What would he like to see happen?

Perhaps rather than saying they can't play together anymore, they could take a break from each other, and let things cool off a bit.

There 's nothing you can do about the girl, they only thing you can do is use this as an opportunity to help your son learn to set boundaries with her, know when to walk away. It sounds like the relationship means a lot more to her than to him.

Maybe invite one or two kids over to your house for play dates for a bit?

It's rotten to get hurt by a friend, I'm sorry he had to go through that. 

[dreamymommy]

I think that keeping her away from him for a while is a good idea.  At least untill she stops beign so violent.  Though the verbal and physical abuse wont continue for much longer because she will most likely grow out of it.  But when your ds plays with other boys, it will probably get worst because boys start getting even more rough at that age.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by dreamymommy 

I think that keeping her away from him for a while is a good idea.  At least untill she stops beign so violent.  Though the verbal and physical abuse wont continue for much longer because she will most likely grow out of it.  But when your ds plays with other boys, it will probably get worst because boys start getting even more rough at that age.

I was, hands down, the most violent person in my 7th and 8th grade classes. I had severe PMS issues (not recognized for what they were - I didn't even hear the term "PMS" for the first time until a couple years later, which seems hard to believe from my 2011 perspective!), and social issues which partly manifested as a kind of paranoia about people putting me down or...trash talking me. I was bullied - quite badly - but I also tended to hear insults where none were intended and fly completely off the handle.And, I hurt people a lot worse than what OP described above (threw someone across two desks, and then slammed him into the corner of the chalk shelf - almost knocked over the library card catalogue with someone else, hit someone over the head with a metal file in shop class, etc. etc.). I don't recall any of the guys I beat up ever getting into it with another boy. It may have happened, but I don't remember it. DS1 and his various friends have all avoided any issues with violence of any kind, all through school (he graduates in a couple of weeks), except for ds1 getting jumped once by a guy who decided ds1 had "stolen his girlfriend".

It sounds as though this girl has some serious issues with anger, social issues, etc. Maybe they're hormonal. Maybe they're something else. But, it doesn't sound safe for OP's dd to be around him right now. There's absolutely no reason to assume it will get worse when he plays with other boys, though.

[lookatreestar]

yeah she sounds like she has issues controlling her emotions and hormonal mixed with frustration that he doesn't want to be her gf/like her in that way? sounds tough, i would just keep talking with your ds and let him know that it is okay to say no and not want to be around her. just because he is a guy he doesn't have to take abuse from a friend, be it boy or girl.

[Viola]

I think some separation is good, and the other mother is probably feeling some relief too, I'd wager.  But it's really hard to judge other than from my own kids and my own feelings.  My kids aren't on the autism spectrum, but they fight with each other, to the point of drawing blood and damaging each other's things.  My 7 year old can be quite violent, and overreacting over a little slap on the leg is just like something she would do.  She'd think three punches in the face would not be enough justice.  I think the separation can help anger, jealousy, hurt, not feeling valued and whatever else is going on at least settle down for a bit.  But I don't have a lot of suggestions other than that.  I think the other mother has to work on it with her daughter.

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by Irishmommy 

How is saying the other kid was a better player trash talking? Granted, depends on the tone, but I fail to see it as trash talking.

That's what OP called it. I figure she knows better than we do what he actually said.

[purslaine]

I agree your son should not hang around with that girl for now (maybe ever - who knows?)

I would, however, talk to your son about who to play physical games with.  This girl has hit him in the past and does have issues - no way should he play swords with her.   It may come up again in his life -it is a good life lesson to learn.  

[ReadingMama]

Thank you all for your input.  I'd call it trash talking--it's how the boys tend to play swords.  They say things like, "Is that all you got?"  I did talk to my son about it.  I told him that girls play differently than boys do, and I explained her perception of things to him.  However, I also told him that while that explains her hurt feelings, it does not excuse her getting violent.  Not being able to trust her to behave appropriately and safely is why we're not allowing him to play with her anymore.  I tried to institute a break a few weeks ago when she gave my son an ultimatum of either playing with her or with the neighborhood boys.  That and the insistence on her being his girlfriend was just getting to be too much.  But I let my son decide if he wanted to be around her again instead of making it a rule that I enforced.  I should have made it the rule then.

My son plays Nerf swords with boys all the time and this has never happened before.  The only time he's been hurt before is when an older boy impulsively threw a sword at my son and it scratched his face.  It wasn't malicious behavior in that case.  At least in my experience and at this age, I find the girls we know to be much crueler and moodier than the boys.  My son can play all day and have a sleepover with a friend without one argument, but when girls enter the mix, there's drama! 

This girl does have mental health issues.  She goes to therapy and is on medicine for ADHD.  But her medicine wears off by the time she gets home from school.   Two nights ago she got mad at her mom and told her she could tackle and kill her.  She apologized later and said that she's depressed.  Maybe she needs an antidepressant.  Her parents are going through a VERY dramatic custody battle right now.  This girl's dad is abusive.  He threatened to kill her mom, her mom's lawyer, and the judge at court last week!  I really feel for her mom.  She has a lot to deal with.  To her credit, she is attempting to deal with things, but doesn't know what else there is to do.