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OMG, I'm blending~Or not? BF got cold feet? Advice?

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 

Next weekend my kids and I are moving into my BF's house.  I'm thrilled and excited and nervous all wrapped into one.


Funny how full circle I've come since I first joined here... I first found MDC as a new Stepmom and started out here in this forum.


Then found the TTC boards, and moved onto the DDC for my DD.  Found amazing support in PaP, Surviving Abuse, and Single Parenthood while I was pregnant with DS and finally got out of the worst relationship of my life with the kid's father more than a year ago.


Around Christmas I met the most amazing guy.  He is the nicest person I have ever met.  We clique on every level.  He is amazing with the kids.  He actually talks to them and plays with them.  It tears me up everytime watching him bond with them and how good he is to them and to me.  I have never been treated with such respect and love.  I cannot begin to explain how refreshing and amazing it is to TALK with someone, even the nitty gritty of finances/moving/kids/what role to play in parenting etc... and that person doesn't blow up and call you names!!!  Instead, my wonderful BF acts as a person should... he listens with an open heart, he gives me feedback, he respects me and my opinions and we listen and support each other.


I'm happy.  I feel really good about myself, and I feel empowered and like I can do anything.  BF supports me and my dreams, and I do the same for him.  I get to show my children what a healthy relationship is, and it thrills me so much that we are finally able to leave my parents and their dysfunctional model, and go live our happy and safe life.  :D


I know it's going to be challenging in it's own way.  And as my BF says, "not everyday will be blueberry waffles and butterflies", but we love and respect each other and we both have cautiously built an amazing foundation on respect and open communication.


So yeah.... we are blending.  lol  :D  I had to share this somewhere.  I don't know where I'd be today without all the amazing support and love I have received over the years from MDC Mamas.  :D






post #2 of 30



No hive five smiliey, so this is the best I could do. 

post #3 of 30

I wasn't a part of your journey here at MDC (in terms of DDC and all that), but I'm so happy for you. joy.gif

post #4 of 30

I'm thrilled to read this! I wish you and your family the best of luck on this new stage of your journey!

post #5 of 30

Congrats! Congrats! Congrats!

post #6 of 30


post #7 of 30

what a great story-so glad to hear you are moving forward in a positive way and loving your life :)  Good luck with your new blending!!!

post #8 of 30

Oh gosh! congrats!

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post #11 of 30

I wish you could go back in time and show this post to yourself two years ago! I'm so happy for you and inspired by you.

post #12 of 30
Thread Starter 

I was supposed to move Saturday, as in basically 2 days from now...  And BF sends me an email last night stating he has decided he isn't ready to live with the kids and take on that responsibility.  Never mind that we have been talking about this since Feb. and he has been ridiculously excited.


No fight... no drama... he says he loves me with all of his heart, but he is really scared of taking the next step and living with my kids.  That if it was just me, that would be one thing... but he just isn't sure if he is ready to be a Stepdad.


Okay... thanks for waiting until all my things are packed up to tell me this... but anyway... I guess yay him for making that decision now/at all? 


Has this ever happened to anyone?  Where did you go from there?  What helped your DP from not being freaked out?  We do talk/are talking about everything.  He just has this idea in his head that everything has to be perfect and he is afraid of failing us on a financial level.  (which I'm not sure why he is concerned... we've run our budget with our incomes combined several times and have like $1,000/month buffer... that's a hell of a lot more than I've ever had!!!)

post #13 of 30

Oh lordy.  No advice.  Well, maybe except to not be passive agressive with him about how you feel.  Thats a major kick in the teeth 2 days before your supposed to move.  And especially to get you all excited about the move.  Its his perogative yes, but how hes going about it is very middle school, if you ask me. 


This could also be me projecting, so dont take to much stock in it.  Men have been at the very top of my poop list lately.  Sheepish.gif

post #14 of 30
Thread Starter 

Oh believe me... he has gotten an earful today and will continue to.  Nothing passive about that. 

post #15 of 30

Maybe he freaked out because he suddenly realizes he has no exit plan if things don't work out? If he were moving in with you, he could always leave if things didn't work, but since you guys are moving in with him he may feel like he has no way out if things don't work out?


I'm not saying this is rational, just trying to think about where his brain might be. Wonder if it would help to talk about what would happen if you decide it doesn't work once you've made the move?


No real advice, but those are my random thoughts!

post #16 of 30


So sorry that happened - but glad it happened before the move! 


He's already sent mixed signals to the kids, though, and I don't play that, so for me, this relationship would probably be over - or at least WAY on the back burner, while I focused on my career and furthering my education and getting involved in social activities where I could meet other eligible single guys. I have basically zero tolerance for waffling. But it's easy for me to say that, because I'm not in love with this guy. hug2.gif

post #17 of 30

Surprising as it is, I'm with Smithie on this one (She's great, we just disagree on some things - no offense Smithie!)


You have been planning this for months, and now he drops the bomb?  Not very nice.  He could have at least raised his concerns about it with you MUCH SOONER.


I'd be outta that relationship. 


So sorry PM.  I wish there was something I could do hug2.gif

post #18 of 30

oh no. :( I'm so sorry.


post #19 of 30

Oh, man! I'm so sorry this is happening. The only good thing is that he told you *now*, before you moved in, instead of shoving his doubts aside and letting it slowly overwhelm him or letting the whole relationship unravel.


I'm not sure if the relationship would be over for me. It might be that he had doubts earlier and just didn't say anything, but maybe this has just recently come up and he's doing the noble thing by telling you. Good relationships need that kind of honesty, even when it doesn't seem like the best outcome. But maybe you guys could benefit from a break, just to clear your heads and see what you want out of the relationship. Only you guys can know what you need to do.


Again, I'm so sorry. I hope it works out for the best. hug2.gif

post #20 of 30
Thread Starter 

We had a loooong talk.


The move is post-poned... but the relationship is not over.  He really is a good guy.  The full reality of the responsibility he was signing up for did not fully hit him until this week and that is why he did not say something sooner... and honestly, I believe him because of how bluntly honest our relationship has been since the begining. 


He wants to make absolutely sure he is 100% ready to take all three of us on in a financial sense.  He realizes he doesn't have to do this, but it's what he wants to do.  He loves me and my kids, and he wants to do the absolute best by us.  He does realize the emotional impact of this decision at this kind of timing was not cool and he apologized profusely for how it played out and he swore he would have said something sooner had he realized it... and again, I do believe him on that.


I don't feel he is playing me.  I do feel he wants the best for our future and I really can't fault him for that.  If he ever pulls anything like this again... it's over.  He knows my stance on this.  And he also is fully aware of my emotional needs with this situation and is working to meet them, and that is happy.  :-) 


We both listened to each other and are moving forward with the goal of a stronger foundation for our future.  Again... can't really fault him for wanting to do the right thing.

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